The Top 10 What In The Blue Fuck Was I Thinking When I Bought This!
I have a lot of Dvd's. A long, long, LOOONG time ago, I took a job at Suncoast because, well, thats what 16 year olds do. It didn't make much since for us, at that age, to want jobs. At that age we were able to stay in our parents attics, leach money off them, and lie around like the monkey's we naturally are and noone would think anything was wrong with it! Still I had to get a job so i would have enough money to trick girls into thinking I'm actually worth being around. Sadly, none of them fell for it. Now, I'm 20 years old, and i wish i had that time back. At the very least, unlike most jobs, i have something to show for mein kempf. The eye-catcher of my room (yes, in the attic) is my 500+ Dvd collection. Looking at them, I have a constant reminder of the shitty hours, asshole customers, and lack of sex that came along as perks to working at the Godless corporation that owned me.
Sometimes, though, I look at them and think to myself: Why? Why did i buy some of this SH*T?! When you see the same title day-in and day-out sometimes it grows on you, even if you know its crap, and you just go "Hey i get a decent discount, why the Fuck not?" Then you go home, watch, and just cant stop yourself from screaming back at your television "Fuck you! You do not deserve to smell my shit!"
Today, I have decided to take a look at my top 10 (Bottom 10?) worst dvd's in a segment I'd like to call (See: Title) !
10) Punchline- This movie has Tom Hanks and Sally Field, pretty much our two most lovable actors working today. What went wrong? In all honesty, this movie lost some points for the "Ick" factor, its a LITTLE weird to see Forrest and Mama Gump lip-locking. I bought this because of my love for the comedian lifestyle and I was hoping this movie would explore that seamy under belly with some kind of insight. Instead we get great comedians telling horrible jokes in a pointless movie. Value to me- Would take at least 2 cartons of Water Bottles to rid of this dvd.
9) My Blue Heaven- Here's a movie that REALLY pissed me off. It has Steve Martin and Rick Moranis! How could this possibly be unfunny?! First, give Steve Martin an accent thats a cross between Tony Morano from Saturday Night Fever and Rocky Balboa. Then give Rick Moranis the part of the absolutely boring straight man. Stupid fuckers, didn't you watch Rick Moranis' hilarious turn in Ghostbusters? He's at his best playing the nerds: the more we'd beat him up in highschool the better.
8) If These Walls Could Talk 2- I'll admit, I knew this wasn't going to interest me much ( Ive never even seen the first theoretical wall talking experience) but i bought it for a sole reason: Michelle Williams. I've had a thing for her for awhile and I heard from around the campfire that we get to see her "Dawsons" in this movie. Therefore once this movie hit 9.99, it just became common sense. This movie is structured as 3 "tales" each outlining certain periods of female empowerment. By the way, female empowerment seems to consist of not much more then hardcore lesbian scenes. Each of the 3 stories are littered with BS dialogue, cartoon-like situations, and endings that make you scream "Girl Power!". Personally, i could picture lesbians being offended by this movie. Still... Michelle Williams :D
7) The Osbournes Season 1- I don't like the Osbournes. I never got there appeal. Still, stupid-ass me, I feel compelled to see what the big deal is all about, so i indulged myself in this piece of shit chronicling the first season of people basically cursing at eachother. If I wanted to see the head of the house cursing, I would again play jumping jacks on my dad's bed...while he's sleeping. Every family has their problems, what do I care that the totally inept Ozzy Osbourne can't take out the trash?
6) Planet of the Apes (2001)- I distincly remember telling my friend, whom we call Number 2, that this movie was shit on it's opening weekend we back in the day.
Number 2: Nah, man, this movie looks hot!
Fred: Well... it has Tim Burton, Mark Wahlburg and Paul Giamatti... Well sure! Let's go!
....From that point on, Number 2 was never allowed to seduce me into watching ANY movie. This movie was complete shit. COMPLETE shit! Why did I buy it you ask? The out of print 2-disc version was 5.99 at an Eb Games, and, Goddammit, it still wasn't worth it.
5) My 5 Wives- Why, Rodney Dangerfield, why? You give us the comedy classics Easy Money, Ladybugs and, your magnum opus, Back To School. Why would you trick us into getting this piece of shit? I mean, I admit, I was a little suspicious when i realized this was coming straight to video, that should have been my first clue. But could you have at least TRIED to make this movie funny? I mean, the premise sounds interesting, a man who gets thrust in the world of polygymy due to a will or... something. Honestly, the experience of this horrible movie is now blocked by my brain. And, you know what, I'd like to keep it that way.
4) Out of Time- Denzel Washington is the first man to ever get an Oscar for being incredibly good looking. Basically, people REALLY wanted to give him a Best Actor oscar, just because he'd look so darn cute up at the podium. But they had to wait years for him to make an at least half-way-decent movie for them to make it seem like he got it on his own merit (which he did, for Glory back in 1989). Enter, Training Day. Not a bad movie at all, but for some reason, after a healthy box office and obviously his big win at the Oscars, Denzel went back to making SH*T! Enter: Out Of Time. Why am I so bitter about his Oscar win? Because if he didn't win that Oscar and get some prestige to his name, they NEVER would have put this movie in theatres. In fact, I'm still surprised they did. This... this is just trash! Lemme give you the quickie version: Denzel plays the chief of police who, in an incredible example of complete stupidity, gives important cash, being held by the depertment as evidence, to his lover. That's right, the CHIEF OF FUCKING POLICE gave out this cash! He figures the case is going to be tied up for years and he could replace it. But, whoops! The Department needs it now! So we follow this handsome man on a trip that is nothing more then an excericise in really bad fuckin' judgement. Even O.J. Simpsons stood up and said "You Lying FUCK just turn yourself IN!"
3) Wag The Dog- Another big dissappointment. Incredible potential. The plot revolves around the President being caught in a sex scandal days before the big election, so his peeps decide to create a fake war in order to draw attention away from the scandal and make the President a hero. Great subject, even relevent to todays news, but when a good 40 or so minutes are devoted to creating the President's Hero Theme Song, you know somethings wrong. Not to mention how inept these people really are: They shoot "war footage" on a Hollywood soundstage, complete with camera operators, actresses, grip people, directors, producers... all in an effort to keep the BIGGEST secret in American History. And all those who participate (and the movie makes it a point that this is a professional shoot with at least 50 people involved) are expected to be kept hush hush about the truth. Yeah, fuckin' right.
2) T3- Rise of the Machines- Believe me, I KNEW this was dogshit from the moment I watched it in theatres. It just... did a HUGE disservice to the excellent T1 and the classic T2. We get to see our Governator, who plays a robot tho he's obviously aged, spew a few funny lines, but COMPLETELY ruining any fear we once had of the Terminators. I remember shitting my pants when I saw the Terminator in T2 shooting up the joint, and he was a good guy.... and this was last WEEK! I loved the idea of playing up the sex angle on a female terminator, but, as hot as the actress was, there's nothing sexxy about a woman trying to kill you with a weird electronic-gun-gizmomabob that substitutes her arm. The story is absolute nonsense, completley invalidating whatever relevence the first two had. The action sequences are so boring, you could somehow fall asleep watching them if at the same time you are having sex, on the space shuttle, rocketing towards earth, with seconds to deactivate a device that will save humanity. This U-571 (which was a really good movie) director has NOTHING on James Cameron. So why did I buy it? Well... I had the first two >_<
1) xXx- There really is no excuse for this. I saw it in theatres, it was crap. When it came out on Dvd, i thought "maybe i was too hard on this movie". No... clearly I was not. It's a valid cause to spend the rest of my life holding conferences and urging, no, PLEADING the masses to PLEASE burn every copy of this God-Awful Dvd. I would not only consider a personal favor, but so would the American public. The existance of this Dvd PROVES that the Devil is one cunning bastard. He was able to trick people into continuing the torture this movie provides by bringing it to Dvd. What you're in for is obvious in the opening scene: in a drop that should only last about 3 seconds in real life this movie somehow stretches to about 15 minutes, covering every single possible FUCKING angle. Then we're treated to scenes of an apparent underground "hardcore" thrillseekers club, which as absolute bullshit. Then the GOVERNMENT comes in, and kidnaps the best of them (Vin Diesal, duh) and actually RECRUITS them! They don't just give him a handshake and the company brochure, they go out of there way to create an absolutely RIDICULOUS and elaborate training excercise. The motorcycles, pyrotechnics, exploding helicopters, horrible casualties... THIS is what our tax dollars are paying for, ladies and gentlemen! Duped into a parachuting "mission" our hero, xXx, defecates this "classic" line, " I live for this SHIT!". You go ahead and do that, Diesal, but PLEASE don't drag us along! With every purchase of the xXx dvd, all that is great and good in this world is slowly destroyed. And a little kitten gets run over by a truck. So don't buy this dvd, PLEASE. You like kittens, don't you? They're so cute!
...
In conclusion, I had to get that off my chest. Seeing these movies in my collection not only makes me cry, but also makes me question my life and what could i have possibly done to deserve these "films". Then, I think back to that 16 year old who wanted money for one reason and one reason only: To get laid. And now, when i need some action, I just invite my girl over, pop one of these shitty movies in, and suddenly giving in to my pathetic sexual advances will seem like the logical alternative to watching Vin Diesal trying desperately to be cool.
Sometimes, though, I look at them and think to myself: Why? Why did i buy some of this SH*T?! When you see the same title day-in and day-out sometimes it grows on you, even if you know its crap, and you just go "Hey i get a decent discount, why the Fuck not?" Then you go home, watch, and just cant stop yourself from screaming back at your television "Fuck you! You do not deserve to smell my shit!"
Today, I have decided to take a look at my top 10 (Bottom 10?) worst dvd's in a segment I'd like to call (See: Title) !
10) Punchline- This movie has Tom Hanks and Sally Field, pretty much our two most lovable actors working today. What went wrong? In all honesty, this movie lost some points for the "Ick" factor, its a LITTLE weird to see Forrest and Mama Gump lip-locking. I bought this because of my love for the comedian lifestyle and I was hoping this movie would explore that seamy under belly with some kind of insight. Instead we get great comedians telling horrible jokes in a pointless movie. Value to me- Would take at least 2 cartons of Water Bottles to rid of this dvd.
9) My Blue Heaven- Here's a movie that REALLY pissed me off. It has Steve Martin and Rick Moranis! How could this possibly be unfunny?! First, give Steve Martin an accent thats a cross between Tony Morano from Saturday Night Fever and Rocky Balboa. Then give Rick Moranis the part of the absolutely boring straight man. Stupid fuckers, didn't you watch Rick Moranis' hilarious turn in Ghostbusters? He's at his best playing the nerds: the more we'd beat him up in highschool the better.
8) If These Walls Could Talk 2- I'll admit, I knew this wasn't going to interest me much ( Ive never even seen the first theoretical wall talking experience) but i bought it for a sole reason: Michelle Williams. I've had a thing for her for awhile and I heard from around the campfire that we get to see her "Dawsons" in this movie. Therefore once this movie hit 9.99, it just became common sense. This movie is structured as 3 "tales" each outlining certain periods of female empowerment. By the way, female empowerment seems to consist of not much more then hardcore lesbian scenes. Each of the 3 stories are littered with BS dialogue, cartoon-like situations, and endings that make you scream "Girl Power!". Personally, i could picture lesbians being offended by this movie. Still... Michelle Williams :D
7) The Osbournes Season 1- I don't like the Osbournes. I never got there appeal. Still, stupid-ass me, I feel compelled to see what the big deal is all about, so i indulged myself in this piece of shit chronicling the first season of people basically cursing at eachother. If I wanted to see the head of the house cursing, I would again play jumping jacks on my dad's bed...while he's sleeping. Every family has their problems, what do I care that the totally inept Ozzy Osbourne can't take out the trash?
6) Planet of the Apes (2001)- I distincly remember telling my friend, whom we call Number 2, that this movie was shit on it's opening weekend we back in the day.
Number 2: Nah, man, this movie looks hot!
Fred: Well... it has Tim Burton, Mark Wahlburg and Paul Giamatti... Well sure! Let's go!
....From that point on, Number 2 was never allowed to seduce me into watching ANY movie. This movie was complete shit. COMPLETE shit! Why did I buy it you ask? The out of print 2-disc version was 5.99 at an Eb Games, and, Goddammit, it still wasn't worth it.
5) My 5 Wives- Why, Rodney Dangerfield, why? You give us the comedy classics Easy Money, Ladybugs and, your magnum opus, Back To School. Why would you trick us into getting this piece of shit? I mean, I admit, I was a little suspicious when i realized this was coming straight to video, that should have been my first clue. But could you have at least TRIED to make this movie funny? I mean, the premise sounds interesting, a man who gets thrust in the world of polygymy due to a will or... something. Honestly, the experience of this horrible movie is now blocked by my brain. And, you know what, I'd like to keep it that way.
4) Out of Time- Denzel Washington is the first man to ever get an Oscar for being incredibly good looking. Basically, people REALLY wanted to give him a Best Actor oscar, just because he'd look so darn cute up at the podium. But they had to wait years for him to make an at least half-way-decent movie for them to make it seem like he got it on his own merit (which he did, for Glory back in 1989). Enter, Training Day. Not a bad movie at all, but for some reason, after a healthy box office and obviously his big win at the Oscars, Denzel went back to making SH*T! Enter: Out Of Time. Why am I so bitter about his Oscar win? Because if he didn't win that Oscar and get some prestige to his name, they NEVER would have put this movie in theatres. In fact, I'm still surprised they did. This... this is just trash! Lemme give you the quickie version: Denzel plays the chief of police who, in an incredible example of complete stupidity, gives important cash, being held by the depertment as evidence, to his lover. That's right, the CHIEF OF FUCKING POLICE gave out this cash! He figures the case is going to be tied up for years and he could replace it. But, whoops! The Department needs it now! So we follow this handsome man on a trip that is nothing more then an excericise in really bad fuckin' judgement. Even O.J. Simpsons stood up and said "You Lying FUCK just turn yourself IN!"
3) Wag The Dog- Another big dissappointment. Incredible potential. The plot revolves around the President being caught in a sex scandal days before the big election, so his peeps decide to create a fake war in order to draw attention away from the scandal and make the President a hero. Great subject, even relevent to todays news, but when a good 40 or so minutes are devoted to creating the President's Hero Theme Song, you know somethings wrong. Not to mention how inept these people really are: They shoot "war footage" on a Hollywood soundstage, complete with camera operators, actresses, grip people, directors, producers... all in an effort to keep the BIGGEST secret in American History. And all those who participate (and the movie makes it a point that this is a professional shoot with at least 50 people involved) are expected to be kept hush hush about the truth. Yeah, fuckin' right.
2) T3- Rise of the Machines- Believe me, I KNEW this was dogshit from the moment I watched it in theatres. It just... did a HUGE disservice to the excellent T1 and the classic T2. We get to see our Governator, who plays a robot tho he's obviously aged, spew a few funny lines, but COMPLETELY ruining any fear we once had of the Terminators. I remember shitting my pants when I saw the Terminator in T2 shooting up the joint, and he was a good guy.... and this was last WEEK! I loved the idea of playing up the sex angle on a female terminator, but, as hot as the actress was, there's nothing sexxy about a woman trying to kill you with a weird electronic-gun-gizmomabob that substitutes her arm. The story is absolute nonsense, completley invalidating whatever relevence the first two had. The action sequences are so boring, you could somehow fall asleep watching them if at the same time you are having sex, on the space shuttle, rocketing towards earth, with seconds to deactivate a device that will save humanity. This U-571 (which was a really good movie) director has NOTHING on James Cameron. So why did I buy it? Well... I had the first two >_<
1) xXx- There really is no excuse for this. I saw it in theatres, it was crap. When it came out on Dvd, i thought "maybe i was too hard on this movie". No... clearly I was not. It's a valid cause to spend the rest of my life holding conferences and urging, no, PLEADING the masses to PLEASE burn every copy of this God-Awful Dvd. I would not only consider a personal favor, but so would the American public. The existance of this Dvd PROVES that the Devil is one cunning bastard. He was able to trick people into continuing the torture this movie provides by bringing it to Dvd. What you're in for is obvious in the opening scene: in a drop that should only last about 3 seconds in real life this movie somehow stretches to about 15 minutes, covering every single possible FUCKING angle. Then we're treated to scenes of an apparent underground "hardcore" thrillseekers club, which as absolute bullshit. Then the GOVERNMENT comes in, and kidnaps the best of them (Vin Diesal, duh) and actually RECRUITS them! They don't just give him a handshake and the company brochure, they go out of there way to create an absolutely RIDICULOUS and elaborate training excercise. The motorcycles, pyrotechnics, exploding helicopters, horrible casualties... THIS is what our tax dollars are paying for, ladies and gentlemen! Duped into a parachuting "mission" our hero, xXx, defecates this "classic" line, " I live for this SHIT!". You go ahead and do that, Diesal, but PLEASE don't drag us along! With every purchase of the xXx dvd, all that is great and good in this world is slowly destroyed. And a little kitten gets run over by a truck. So don't buy this dvd, PLEASE. You like kittens, don't you? They're so cute!
...
In conclusion, I had to get that off my chest. Seeing these movies in my collection not only makes me cry, but also makes me question my life and what could i have possibly done to deserve these "films". Then, I think back to that 16 year old who wanted money for one reason and one reason only: To get laid. And now, when i need some action, I just invite my girl over, pop one of these shitty movies in, and suddenly giving in to my pathetic sexual advances will seem like the logical alternative to watching Vin Diesal trying desperately to be cool.