Sadness and Anger
I know I have taken a long, long break from here.
These past two years were rough. I was a fish out of water, desperately trying to breathe.
I know I tend to isolate myself far away from what I love when things go hard. As a punishment, as a test.
Although I know it's sabotaging my life, it's my way to properly face myself. With all the demons inside.
I took a long break from here. From all the warmth, from all the love.
Subaru.
I heard the news when I was watching Chronicle I downloaded god knows when. I miss Eito. I miss Subaru. I was slowly going on my feet again.
I thought it was a cruel prank. It was not funny at all. I remember feeling irritated, like, what are you talking about?!
Again I am a fish out of water. It looks like all these people are living and breathing different air than me.
This is Subaru we're talking about..
And then everything stated to make sense. Like the air barging in to my lungs all at once. It was an eureka moment with a pang in the heart. "Ah, so he will stop being an idol."
All the feelings started to rush in, uncontrolably. But this is Subaru we're talking about!
The Subaru that loves Eito so much!
You have got to be kidding me!
There've got to be some kind of mistake!
Is it Johnny? Is there some kind of scandal?
Indeed, denial is easier than acceptance. I can preserve the idea of Subaru that I love into one coherent reality.
Which I know, will be scattered by reality.
Maybe this is why we do not want reality.
It hurts and it scatters things you wish to keep as something certain in your life.
But I'm still here, somehow. For some unknown reason.
Eito is my joy.
Unlike anything that I love, I can clearly say what and why and how I love them. And Subaru. Always Eito and Subaru, and Subaru and Eito.
I know, I'm expected to support his decision to leave. I know. I know but..
Won't you let me grief?
I'll probably going to be on my own feet again eventually, but I will go there at my own pace.
Subaru, I love your passion. I fell in love with your voice. Most of all, I love how you love Eito. But I also love your rebeliousness and how un-idol-like you can be. I love your courage.
And that courage is what breaks my heart. Life is cruel that way.
For now, I think I will never forgive you if I don't hear you singing somewhere or that you stop pursuing music.
Today, between sadness and anger, I choose anger.
These past two years were rough. I was a fish out of water, desperately trying to breathe.
I know I tend to isolate myself far away from what I love when things go hard. As a punishment, as a test.
Although I know it's sabotaging my life, it's my way to properly face myself. With all the demons inside.
I took a long break from here. From all the warmth, from all the love.
Subaru.
I heard the news when I was watching Chronicle I downloaded god knows when. I miss Eito. I miss Subaru. I was slowly going on my feet again.
I thought it was a cruel prank. It was not funny at all. I remember feeling irritated, like, what are you talking about?!
Again I am a fish out of water. It looks like all these people are living and breathing different air than me.
This is Subaru we're talking about..
And then everything stated to make sense. Like the air barging in to my lungs all at once. It was an eureka moment with a pang in the heart. "Ah, so he will stop being an idol."
All the feelings started to rush in, uncontrolably. But this is Subaru we're talking about!
The Subaru that loves Eito so much!
You have got to be kidding me!
There've got to be some kind of mistake!
Is it Johnny? Is there some kind of scandal?
Indeed, denial is easier than acceptance. I can preserve the idea of Subaru that I love into one coherent reality.
Which I know, will be scattered by reality.
Maybe this is why we do not want reality.
It hurts and it scatters things you wish to keep as something certain in your life.
But I'm still here, somehow. For some unknown reason.
Eito is my joy.
Unlike anything that I love, I can clearly say what and why and how I love them. And Subaru. Always Eito and Subaru, and Subaru and Eito.
I know, I'm expected to support his decision to leave. I know. I know but..
Won't you let me grief?
I'll probably going to be on my own feet again eventually, but I will go there at my own pace.
Subaru, I love your passion. I fell in love with your voice. Most of all, I love how you love Eito. But I also love your rebeliousness and how un-idol-like you can be. I love your courage.
And that courage is what breaks my heart. Life is cruel that way.
For now, I think I will never forgive you if I don't hear you singing somewhere or that you stop pursuing music.
Today, between sadness and anger, I choose anger.