(no subject)
okay, once again, i have gone an entire week without writing and for that, my beloved readers, i am sorry. i am so used to having a computer right in front of me all the time, so i never hesitate to go online. but anyway, rion's graduation was last night, which was boring as shit. i am forcing myself to come to terms with this whole insecurity issue i have involving his family. i have discovered that me not wanting to be around them has a lot to do with what he brings to them. he is so funny and lovable and unique. most of the time i think that they are secretly wondering, "what the fuck is he doing with this boring chick?"
i know that i seem all interesting at first, but the truth to be told is that i am a whiny little bitch, just like every other fuck on this planet. the difference between me and rion is that he is their whiny little bitch, their interesting, entertaining, and extremely intelligent whiny little bitch. i don't bring anything to the table, and that depresses me. so instead of trying to impress them, i avoid them all together, because i don't want to disappoint them.
this entire "issue" is really just a manifestation in my head. if i didn't create a picture-perfect image of me attending one of their cocktail parties and telling jokes, making everyone laugh, then i wouldn't have to worry so much about living up to it. but alas...(i have nothing to say to that. i just wanted to say the word alas.)
i hardly paid any attention to rion at all yesterday. i was busy talking to my friends from bowling green (which isn't your problem, mind you). i needed to talk to them, but i chose the wrong time to do so. i didn't want to interrupt the wonderful transition from high school punk to studious college kid, you know, not to mention all the beautiful recollections his family had back to memories i was never a part of. graduation, to me, is more of a celebration for the families than it is the kids graduating. i mean, if you're really close to your class i guess it is different. but i wasn't, and sadly most people aren't.
it always seems to be the class before me and the class after me that i have a larger pool of friends in (which is why i will be attending franklin's graduation tomorrow night following a hopefully killer party). my dad always told me that high school was the best years of your life. sorry dad, but i really can't consider high school all that outstanding. i guess if you are really involved and don't have to deal with shit from people, it's one thing, which he was (senior class president).
my dad and i seem to be getting along better. we are on speaking terms now, which is a major relief for the both of us. (you know, cuz i loathe awkwardness more than anything in the world.) i am going to florida next week with rion's entire family (what a joy that will be-i am trying to stay positive.) but about his graduation, he was extremely nervous and didn't wanna go, because according to him, even hillbillies graduate.
i listened to these horrible, bullshit speeches about how each and every person graduating was going to "change the world." these fuckin rites of passages, man. they're so goddamn annoying. they are the only time when everyone can say a bunch of stuff that is in no way true or relevant to anything and get away with it. everyone will listen and all the parents will cry about how their sons and daughters will grow up to be these successful doctors and lawyers and scientists...blah blah fuckin blah. god, i do not wanna sit through that again!!!!! it just pisses me off. none of it's true, and the only people who honestly believe that shit are too dumb to realize that they too are like every average joe or jane. we are all just human beings, pathetic, suggestive consumers (and if you're american, it's about 1,000 x worse). the only changing we are gonna do is discovering that that bullshit ain't the truth and never will be.
i am not trying to be pessimistic here. i'm really not. being average isn't a bad thing, just as long as you make something of it. as long as you are good at what you do and believe in what you do, you're alright in my opinion. i might wanna help people through my writing, but i am certainly not gonna change the goddamn world! that shit just doesn't happen overnight, and the people who actually have changed the world (for the better) worked their asses off to do it. and i'm just too fuckin lazy. that's the quote of the night from amy. i am too lazy to change the world. tell that at my graduation. i'm sure my parents would be pissed.
but rion was upset that i hardly spoke to him the whole night cuz i didn't wanna interrupt his precious family time where they gave him more ridiculous advice and he unwillingly discussed his future. we worked it out, though. i feel badly for putting this shit on him, my insecurity issues i mean. it's not fair to him, and he is such an amazing boyfriend, i don't have the right. i need to be a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend.
see, i am not really tight with any of my friends back home. some of em, i used to hang out with all the time, like my friend mary. but i don't see her that much anymore. she is constantly with her boyfriend now (and she criticized me for spending so much time with mine senior year-it's okay-i forgive her-i did it too to my best friend back when i was a useless, pathetic loner in high school-it's really easy to judge somebody when you have never been in their situation and you know nothing about it-you think that you know how you would react if you were in that same dilemma but you really don't).
this party on sunday is dedicated to all the people graduating which are most of our friends. mary is throwing it at this cabin in the middle of fuckin nowhere. we had a keg party there last year, but god i hope they get something better than beer. i know that there will be other substances there, but i just haven't been in the mood. i guess i just don't see the greatness of the green. maybe i'm not smoking the right shit or something. i dunno. i just don't really care that much, and i don't define myself by the things that i do, those horrible acts of deviance.
it was nice to talk to lindsey, emily, max, and scott yesterday. i really miss them. i totally forgot to mention somebody on my list of missed people. he won't read it but he needs to be recognized. i really miss my friend lucas, with whom lindsey and i would always stand around outside and smoke cigarettes with. i miss how he would make everything funny because he laughed at everything i said. i love those types of people. they just brighten your day. but yeah, he had to be mentioned. i need to learn how to drive very soon, because my permit expires in july, and i really wanna drive to louisville, because i miss everyone so much.
work is good. i really love everyone who works there. today was a good day. madagascar came out, which meant that hundreds of little kids trashed the theaters, bathrooms, and hallways. i was assigned to clean the bathrooms. i am always assigned to clean bathrooms. but i don't really mind. girls clean up nicely. at least i don't have to wipe shit off the floor or piss off the walls or anything, though i wish that some parents could teach their kids how to flush a goddamn toilet. but oh well, it's not that bad of a job.
i am going to mention a couple of movies that i have seen recently that have been either totally worth the watch or a complete waste of time. first and foremost, star wars revenge of the sith. now, i heard a lot of people applauding this film, saying that it was "incredible," but i have to strongly disagree. i was told NOT to see the first two because they were so unbelievably bad, and it is quite simple to pick up on the story thanks to george lucas's brilliant introduction during every star wars film.
i saw part of the second, which is supposedly even worse than the ever-so-terrible phantom of the menace. attack of the clones is the piece of shit that everyone seems to complain about the most. but the third one, though i believe is probably better than the other two, can not hold a candle to the old ones. the dialogue is terrible, so therefore, the acting is also terrible. i mean, you might be a spectacular actor, but if you've got shitty lines then you probably are gonna sound bad no matter how you say em. natalie portman could do better. she has done better. she was phenomenal in closer. garden state, anywhere but here, where the heart is, she is great. she was okay.
ewan mcgregor kicked fuckin ass, but that's because he is ewan mcgregor and his lines weren't that cheesy. he played a good obie-one. let's see, who else? christopher lee was alright. even samuel l. jackson wasn't that up to par in his character, but again shitty lines. i guess he is just better at being a bad ass. that's his starring role, and he is so damn good at it.
hayden christensen is a whole other story. he is ungodly awful. he is terribly casted as anakin and is a whiny little fuck who i refused to have any sympathy for just because he didn't seem to bring anything to the story. but again, it wasn't entirely his fault. george lucas had no idea what he was doing. he really should start from scratch. i should see the first two so that i can make fun of this more.
hayden might be attractive, but looks do not make a film good, and the casting director (which probably was george lucas since he or she did such a bad job) should be shot. okay, maybe not shot. but they did not do star wars justice at all. i was laughing half the time just because the lines were so unbelievable, like "you're beautiful because i am so in love with you" or the never-to-be-forgotten "noooooo!!!!!!"
hmmm...bad dialogue + bad acting = bad movie. the story wasn't even that good. even in the old ones, harrison ford could make the worst lines sound good because is fucking harrison ford!!!! most of the stuff that anakin said just annoyed the crap outta me. he just whined and whined about how he didn't get into the council, so he had to turn to the dark side. waaaa, waaaa, waaaa. lindsey and i wanna write an emo song dedicated to anakin skywalker.
okay, enough about star wars!!!! john williams keeps playing in my head, and it's driving me nuts. maybe i should go listen to the score. i have it on vinyl. but yeah, another movie that sucked ass was kicking and screaming. don't get me wrong. i love will ferrell. i really do. he is great. but this movie was not his best. it was very cliche and the music for it was so bad. it's like they weren't even trying. the first five minutes, i guessed exactly what the outcome of the story was going to be, and what do you know? i was 100% correct. there was one really funny line that will said and i will quote it. "i am a tornado of anger, whirling about." i'm glad i saw that movie just for that line.
i saw another film in the theater that i am happy to say was not like the other two. it is called crash, and it deals with a string of people living in los angeles who are all connected with one another. their lives intertwine through still one of the biggest problems in america today, racism. it deals with multiple forms of it, the quite obvious and the very subtle. and it's the subtle kind that scares me a helluva lot more. i was crying during half of it (which doesn't say much) but it is very moving. it's excellent. the acting is so good. it was written, directed, and produced by the same guy. i advise everyone to go see it. it is totally worth it, and it will touch you and make you think about the stuff that people say and the stuff that is implied. plus, i love don cheadle and wanna marry him.
rion and i bought some other films recently and began to watch them. all of them have been excellent. 2001: a space odyssey (stanley kubrick: very long and slow and incredibly bizarre but good, that is if you like science fiction), goodfellas (scorcese which means incredible, really makes you consider being a gangster), mulholland drive (david lynch who is a fucking brilliant maniac, it will really make you think and get inside your head-it's a very complicated lesbian mystery thriller that i still can't figure out as much as i ponder it), and, last but not least, in the bedroom (wonderful acting, it's a very dramatic film about the things that you will do for the people you love and it's not fun to watch, let me tell you, but still totally worth it). that's all i can remember for now. we also got raging bull, taxi driver, and bully (which is written and directed by the same guy who did "kids" larry clark).
damn, every entry seems to get longer and longer. i need to finish my screenplay. it's a lot harder for me to reflect on something than to write about it when i am actually there experiencing it. that is why it is difficult to continue with a screenplay that i started writing about college life. i started writing one about being back from college during the long winter break, but i stopped once i returned to western. i miss everyone so fucking much!!!!!!! i just got my paycheck today. $145 for the past star wars weekend. i think i am gonna go get a tattoo. it's gonna be a rose on my back symbolizing the ideas behind my favorite film, american beauty, such as looking closer at the world around you, trying to find beauty in the things that you would normally not find beauty in, attempting to discover a deeper meaning of your life, etc. it's gonna hurt like a bitch but i've wanted one for so long, i think that i am finally prepared. c-ya.
i know that i seem all interesting at first, but the truth to be told is that i am a whiny little bitch, just like every other fuck on this planet. the difference between me and rion is that he is their whiny little bitch, their interesting, entertaining, and extremely intelligent whiny little bitch. i don't bring anything to the table, and that depresses me. so instead of trying to impress them, i avoid them all together, because i don't want to disappoint them.
this entire "issue" is really just a manifestation in my head. if i didn't create a picture-perfect image of me attending one of their cocktail parties and telling jokes, making everyone laugh, then i wouldn't have to worry so much about living up to it. but alas...(i have nothing to say to that. i just wanted to say the word alas.)
i hardly paid any attention to rion at all yesterday. i was busy talking to my friends from bowling green (which isn't your problem, mind you). i needed to talk to them, but i chose the wrong time to do so. i didn't want to interrupt the wonderful transition from high school punk to studious college kid, you know, not to mention all the beautiful recollections his family had back to memories i was never a part of. graduation, to me, is more of a celebration for the families than it is the kids graduating. i mean, if you're really close to your class i guess it is different. but i wasn't, and sadly most people aren't.
it always seems to be the class before me and the class after me that i have a larger pool of friends in (which is why i will be attending franklin's graduation tomorrow night following a hopefully killer party). my dad always told me that high school was the best years of your life. sorry dad, but i really can't consider high school all that outstanding. i guess if you are really involved and don't have to deal with shit from people, it's one thing, which he was (senior class president).
my dad and i seem to be getting along better. we are on speaking terms now, which is a major relief for the both of us. (you know, cuz i loathe awkwardness more than anything in the world.) i am going to florida next week with rion's entire family (what a joy that will be-i am trying to stay positive.) but about his graduation, he was extremely nervous and didn't wanna go, because according to him, even hillbillies graduate.
i listened to these horrible, bullshit speeches about how each and every person graduating was going to "change the world." these fuckin rites of passages, man. they're so goddamn annoying. they are the only time when everyone can say a bunch of stuff that is in no way true or relevant to anything and get away with it. everyone will listen and all the parents will cry about how their sons and daughters will grow up to be these successful doctors and lawyers and scientists...blah blah fuckin blah. god, i do not wanna sit through that again!!!!! it just pisses me off. none of it's true, and the only people who honestly believe that shit are too dumb to realize that they too are like every average joe or jane. we are all just human beings, pathetic, suggestive consumers (and if you're american, it's about 1,000 x worse). the only changing we are gonna do is discovering that that bullshit ain't the truth and never will be.
i am not trying to be pessimistic here. i'm really not. being average isn't a bad thing, just as long as you make something of it. as long as you are good at what you do and believe in what you do, you're alright in my opinion. i might wanna help people through my writing, but i am certainly not gonna change the goddamn world! that shit just doesn't happen overnight, and the people who actually have changed the world (for the better) worked their asses off to do it. and i'm just too fuckin lazy. that's the quote of the night from amy. i am too lazy to change the world. tell that at my graduation. i'm sure my parents would be pissed.
but rion was upset that i hardly spoke to him the whole night cuz i didn't wanna interrupt his precious family time where they gave him more ridiculous advice and he unwillingly discussed his future. we worked it out, though. i feel badly for putting this shit on him, my insecurity issues i mean. it's not fair to him, and he is such an amazing boyfriend, i don't have the right. i need to be a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend.
see, i am not really tight with any of my friends back home. some of em, i used to hang out with all the time, like my friend mary. but i don't see her that much anymore. she is constantly with her boyfriend now (and she criticized me for spending so much time with mine senior year-it's okay-i forgive her-i did it too to my best friend back when i was a useless, pathetic loner in high school-it's really easy to judge somebody when you have never been in their situation and you know nothing about it-you think that you know how you would react if you were in that same dilemma but you really don't).
this party on sunday is dedicated to all the people graduating which are most of our friends. mary is throwing it at this cabin in the middle of fuckin nowhere. we had a keg party there last year, but god i hope they get something better than beer. i know that there will be other substances there, but i just haven't been in the mood. i guess i just don't see the greatness of the green. maybe i'm not smoking the right shit or something. i dunno. i just don't really care that much, and i don't define myself by the things that i do, those horrible acts of deviance.
it was nice to talk to lindsey, emily, max, and scott yesterday. i really miss them. i totally forgot to mention somebody on my list of missed people. he won't read it but he needs to be recognized. i really miss my friend lucas, with whom lindsey and i would always stand around outside and smoke cigarettes with. i miss how he would make everything funny because he laughed at everything i said. i love those types of people. they just brighten your day. but yeah, he had to be mentioned. i need to learn how to drive very soon, because my permit expires in july, and i really wanna drive to louisville, because i miss everyone so much.
work is good. i really love everyone who works there. today was a good day. madagascar came out, which meant that hundreds of little kids trashed the theaters, bathrooms, and hallways. i was assigned to clean the bathrooms. i am always assigned to clean bathrooms. but i don't really mind. girls clean up nicely. at least i don't have to wipe shit off the floor or piss off the walls or anything, though i wish that some parents could teach their kids how to flush a goddamn toilet. but oh well, it's not that bad of a job.
i am going to mention a couple of movies that i have seen recently that have been either totally worth the watch or a complete waste of time. first and foremost, star wars revenge of the sith. now, i heard a lot of people applauding this film, saying that it was "incredible," but i have to strongly disagree. i was told NOT to see the first two because they were so unbelievably bad, and it is quite simple to pick up on the story thanks to george lucas's brilliant introduction during every star wars film.
i saw part of the second, which is supposedly even worse than the ever-so-terrible phantom of the menace. attack of the clones is the piece of shit that everyone seems to complain about the most. but the third one, though i believe is probably better than the other two, can not hold a candle to the old ones. the dialogue is terrible, so therefore, the acting is also terrible. i mean, you might be a spectacular actor, but if you've got shitty lines then you probably are gonna sound bad no matter how you say em. natalie portman could do better. she has done better. she was phenomenal in closer. garden state, anywhere but here, where the heart is, she is great. she was okay.
ewan mcgregor kicked fuckin ass, but that's because he is ewan mcgregor and his lines weren't that cheesy. he played a good obie-one. let's see, who else? christopher lee was alright. even samuel l. jackson wasn't that up to par in his character, but again shitty lines. i guess he is just better at being a bad ass. that's his starring role, and he is so damn good at it.
hayden christensen is a whole other story. he is ungodly awful. he is terribly casted as anakin and is a whiny little fuck who i refused to have any sympathy for just because he didn't seem to bring anything to the story. but again, it wasn't entirely his fault. george lucas had no idea what he was doing. he really should start from scratch. i should see the first two so that i can make fun of this more.
hayden might be attractive, but looks do not make a film good, and the casting director (which probably was george lucas since he or she did such a bad job) should be shot. okay, maybe not shot. but they did not do star wars justice at all. i was laughing half the time just because the lines were so unbelievable, like "you're beautiful because i am so in love with you" or the never-to-be-forgotten "noooooo!!!!!!"
hmmm...bad dialogue + bad acting = bad movie. the story wasn't even that good. even in the old ones, harrison ford could make the worst lines sound good because is fucking harrison ford!!!! most of the stuff that anakin said just annoyed the crap outta me. he just whined and whined about how he didn't get into the council, so he had to turn to the dark side. waaaa, waaaa, waaaa. lindsey and i wanna write an emo song dedicated to anakin skywalker.
okay, enough about star wars!!!! john williams keeps playing in my head, and it's driving me nuts. maybe i should go listen to the score. i have it on vinyl. but yeah, another movie that sucked ass was kicking and screaming. don't get me wrong. i love will ferrell. i really do. he is great. but this movie was not his best. it was very cliche and the music for it was so bad. it's like they weren't even trying. the first five minutes, i guessed exactly what the outcome of the story was going to be, and what do you know? i was 100% correct. there was one really funny line that will said and i will quote it. "i am a tornado of anger, whirling about." i'm glad i saw that movie just for that line.
i saw another film in the theater that i am happy to say was not like the other two. it is called crash, and it deals with a string of people living in los angeles who are all connected with one another. their lives intertwine through still one of the biggest problems in america today, racism. it deals with multiple forms of it, the quite obvious and the very subtle. and it's the subtle kind that scares me a helluva lot more. i was crying during half of it (which doesn't say much) but it is very moving. it's excellent. the acting is so good. it was written, directed, and produced by the same guy. i advise everyone to go see it. it is totally worth it, and it will touch you and make you think about the stuff that people say and the stuff that is implied. plus, i love don cheadle and wanna marry him.
rion and i bought some other films recently and began to watch them. all of them have been excellent. 2001: a space odyssey (stanley kubrick: very long and slow and incredibly bizarre but good, that is if you like science fiction), goodfellas (scorcese which means incredible, really makes you consider being a gangster), mulholland drive (david lynch who is a fucking brilliant maniac, it will really make you think and get inside your head-it's a very complicated lesbian mystery thriller that i still can't figure out as much as i ponder it), and, last but not least, in the bedroom (wonderful acting, it's a very dramatic film about the things that you will do for the people you love and it's not fun to watch, let me tell you, but still totally worth it). that's all i can remember for now. we also got raging bull, taxi driver, and bully (which is written and directed by the same guy who did "kids" larry clark).
damn, every entry seems to get longer and longer. i need to finish my screenplay. it's a lot harder for me to reflect on something than to write about it when i am actually there experiencing it. that is why it is difficult to continue with a screenplay that i started writing about college life. i started writing one about being back from college during the long winter break, but i stopped once i returned to western. i miss everyone so fucking much!!!!!!! i just got my paycheck today. $145 for the past star wars weekend. i think i am gonna go get a tattoo. it's gonna be a rose on my back symbolizing the ideas behind my favorite film, american beauty, such as looking closer at the world around you, trying to find beauty in the things that you would normally not find beauty in, attempting to discover a deeper meaning of your life, etc. it's gonna hurt like a bitch but i've wanted one for so long, i think that i am finally prepared. c-ya.