Dive now. 8/?
anonymous
September 14 2015, 19:56:22 UTC
So now that she's there, he can't help but revel in it. He never had a non-turian in his arms, and now he can feel all the little differences, despite the unforgiving hardness of his armor. He notices how pliant and her body is, yet how strong her back is against his grip. She feels soft and warm under her fatigues, yet her hold on him is unyielding. This is everything he had imagined and then some. He starts to see the appeal of human hugging. His nerves are gradually calming down as his body melts into it. It feels so good he wishes he would never let go.
That is until he feels like he was thrown in an ice-cold pool of water, as he hears the first sob.
It was so soft he would have probably missed it had he not been so used to working and living with humans. But it was there. Then, a second. And a third. As she began to shake softly, realization hits him hard. Not only had he misjudged how much more she had needed in terms of moral support, but he seriously only thought about how she was betraying his trust by asking for a hug? Now that was a new level of awkward. He felt like he was violating something extremely intimate in her by witnessing her break down like this. But even if the hug was not already crossing way too many lines, now he was in deep. He could not possibly carry on with the prank, lest he damaged the most beautiful friendship he has ever had the honor to experience?
He felt like shit.
“...n't leave me too.”
Her broken voice, barely loud enough for him to hear, pierces his heart.
But Shepard can't keep anything inside anymore. The dam is in ruins and she doesn't care anymore.
“Please, Garrus...”
As if the whole hugging thing was not out of character enough already, hearing her beg is the last straw. He hears himself start keening a soft sub-harmonic cry. Thank the spirits she can't hear it.
“Whatever happens, don't leave me...”
Living with fears so strong that they eat at away you every second of the day is something, but voicing them is so draining she feels like she's free falling. It takes a courage she never had so far, and she knows the turian in her arms is the very reason she finally found it. It's liberating, but somehow also makes them more real, tangible. She's overwhelmed, losing control, and suddenly cannot stop her mouth from running free.
“You would think I would know better by now... with all the lives I've ruined and taken... that I would have the right to selfishly demand a single life to be spared, but no... I still want to play God and decide on who lives and who dies. How can people still trust me like that?”
More sobbing.
“People call me a hero... that is fucking ridiculous. Do they really only see what they want to? Can't they... can't they see? No, I bet that's easier, right? So they can dump their mess on me to clean... Easy, take a broken soldier, give them names they don't deserve and watch them struggle to pay a nonexistent debt by sorting shit they don't even realize is pointless in the grand scheme of things.”
Her voice is clearer, steadier now.
“And here I thought I could do it on my own. Finally live in peace, with no one to lose again. No sword of Damocles hanging over my head anymore...”
She shifts in his arms, sniffling and sighing. Despite the too many layers of armor, she basks into his embrace. She had wanted to do that for so long. It only added to her guilt. She shouldn't want that kind of closeness in a friend. Especially not Garrus. What would he think about that if he were aware?
“But you had to barge into my life and be so... so... so what I fucking needed.”
She sounds almost angry now.
“You once said I could do it without you... so wrong Garrus, you never were so wrong. I can't. Not anymore anyway. All this shit is too much, y'know? Fuck stylishly, I can't do it without you, big guy. So whatever happens, don't you fucking dare die on me... Please...”
Even though her arms are still tightly wrapped around the cowl of his armor, he feels like they've been choking him since she started talking. He can barely breathe.
That is until he feels like he was thrown in an ice-cold pool of water, as he hears the first sob.
It was so soft he would have probably missed it had he not been so used to working and living with humans. But it was there. Then, a second. And a third. As she began to shake softly, realization hits him hard. Not only had he misjudged how much more she had needed in terms of moral support, but he seriously only thought about how she was betraying his trust by asking for a hug? Now that was a new level of awkward. He felt like he was violating something extremely intimate in her by witnessing her break down like this. But even if the hug was not already crossing way too many lines, now he was in deep. He could not possibly carry on with the prank, lest he damaged the most beautiful friendship he has ever had the honor to experience?
He felt like shit.
“...n't leave me too.”
Her broken voice, barely loud enough for him to hear, pierces his heart.
But Shepard can't keep anything inside anymore. The dam is in ruins and she doesn't care anymore.
“Please, Garrus...”
As if the whole hugging thing was not out of character enough already, hearing her beg is the last straw. He hears himself start keening a soft sub-harmonic cry. Thank the spirits she can't hear it.
“Whatever happens, don't leave me...”
Living with fears so strong that they eat at away you every second of the day is something, but voicing them is so draining she feels like she's free falling. It takes a courage she never had so far, and she knows the turian in her arms is the very reason she finally found it. It's liberating, but somehow also makes them more real, tangible. She's overwhelmed, losing control, and suddenly cannot stop her mouth from running free.
“You would think I would know better by now... with all the lives I've ruined and taken... that I would have the right to selfishly demand a single life to be spared, but no... I still want to play God and decide on who lives and who dies. How can people still trust me like that?”
More sobbing.
“People call me a hero... that is fucking ridiculous. Do they really only see what they want to? Can't they... can't they see? No, I bet that's easier, right? So they can dump their mess on me to clean... Easy, take a broken soldier, give them names they don't deserve and watch them struggle to pay a nonexistent debt by sorting shit they don't even realize is pointless in the grand scheme of things.”
Her voice is clearer, steadier now.
“And here I thought I could do it on my own. Finally live in peace, with no one to lose again. No sword of Damocles hanging over my head anymore...”
She shifts in his arms, sniffling and sighing. Despite the too many layers of armor, she basks into his embrace. She had wanted to do that for so long. It only added to her guilt. She shouldn't want that kind of closeness in a friend. Especially not Garrus. What would he think about that if he were aware?
“But you had to barge into my life and be so... so... so what I fucking needed.”
She sounds almost angry now.
“You once said I could do it without you... so wrong Garrus, you never were so wrong. I can't. Not anymore anyway. All this shit is too much, y'know? Fuck stylishly, I can't do it without you, big guy. So whatever happens, don't you fucking dare die on me... Please...”
Even though her arms are still tightly wrapped around the cowl of his armor, he feels like they've been choking him since she started talking. He can barely breathe.
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