Funny little humans and their funny little toys 1/?
anonymous
April 15 2015, 02:41:10 UTC
"Oh, Lidy, trust me, I was there." Irissa giggled to Matriarch Lidanya as they drank elasa together with Tevos. "It took the humans almost an entire fleet to destroy the small turian mission to Shanxi. Almost four to one odds, and the turians still destroyed their own weight in ships before they were destroyed. And then when we get there to prevent the turian 31st Fleet from obliterating them they were still so cocky and reckoned they could have taken the fight to the turians."
"It's adorable." Lidanya declared tipsily. "I mean our children play with toys more advanced than human computer systems. And my bathtub has heavier armour than the Everest, and that's their largest warship!"
"That's not the best part." Tevos interrupted. "The best part is how independent they think they are. I mean, they learned a lot from the beacons on Mars, but they're still at least fifty years behind the galactic mainstream, and that's even with the technology we sell to them even though they insist they don't need it."
The three matriarchs giggled furiously. Lidanya actually had to wipe tears of mirth off her face. "But just compare most of the species to the humans. Humans are an average of what, six feet tall? Muscle mass varies from person to person? About four hundred ships in their fleet, only seventy of which are cruiser firepower or greater. Turians, krogan and batarians are all taller and more muscular than humans. Asari have natural biotics, and salarians exceptional speed and reflexes to compensate. I mean, even an enraged elcor could crush a human in a fight."
"And fleet strength is another factor." Tevos noted. "Only the batarians have a smaller fleet than the humans, and that's because the embargo is crippling their ability to build and maintain one."
"They did come up with medi-gel, though." Irissa noted. "Although that was the result of a lab accident I think."
"Like most major human discoveries, it was a complete fluke." Tevos resisted the urge to giggle again. "Like that Mattock rifle of theirs. The makers stuck an oversized power core in it because they ran out of normal sized cores, only to find out that the rifle was three times as powerful as before."
"Now I hear that the humans are creating some new stealth ship with the turians."
"Ah yes, 'stealth technology'." Lidanya air quoted. "It's not like the asari and the salarians have had complete cloaking for centuries. I mean, the stuff that the humans are working on isn't even complete invisibility, just temporary masking of heat signatures. All you'd need to do would be to go to visual scanners and they'd pop right up."
"Oh, you don't know the half of it. Turns out they want a Spectre now. A Spectre, girls." Tevos finished her drink. "I wasn't sure whether to give poor Ambassador Udina a hug or offer him a lolly after he finished his rant."
"Why not give it to them?" Lidanya suggested. "The Spectres could always do with a bit of comic relief."
"Maybe I will." Tevos snorted. "We could use it as a sort of cute and cuddly mascot for the agency. Goddess knows they could use some improvement for their image."
Funny little humans and their funny little toys 2/?
anonymous
April 15 2015, 02:55:19 UTC
The Council stood on the podium, barely concealing their mirth as the humans presented their 'evidence' that Saren was a traitor.
Sparatus finally got control of himself long enough to offer a few words. "Now, nobody blames the Alliance for what happened on Eden Prime. After all, this kind of thing can happen to any species. Like leaving one of their biggest colonies relatively unprotected, getting one of the Council's Spectres killed, and then blowing up a priceless Prothean beacon. Blaming one of our best agents for the whole thing is a little new, but your species has all sort of inventive ways."
On the podium below him, Udina, Anderson and Shepard all ground their teeth with barely restrained fury.
-------
The Council looked at each other with a little embarrassment as the recording giving evidence of Saren's treachery was played in front of them.
"Well...this may have an outcome on the investigation." Sparatus admitted ruefully. "Well done...I suppose."
"There's an easy way to solve this." Shepard stepped forward. "Appoint me as a Spectre and send me after Saren."
The Council immediately burst into hysterics. Valern gasped through his laughter. "By the Collapse, I thought this was going to be a bit of a down day, but Shepard, you've lifted my spirits right back up."
The sound of teeth grinding was audible from the Presidium.
----------------------
"Aw, look at you." Liara cooed from where she was imprisoned in her blue bubble. "Have you come to rescue me? How clever of you. Now tell me, where is the Spectre in charge?"
"I'm the Spectre in charge." Shepard explained as he powered down the energy field.
Liara giggled. "Oh, excellent joke, human. I'd forgotten how witty your species was."
The sound of teeth grinding was heard on the surface of the planet.
----------------------
Shepard and the team spread out as they approached the Thorian. There was a convulsion within the plant beast, then a naked green asari was deposited from its mandibles.
"Who dares enter the lair of the Tho..." The green asari blinked. "Oh its humans! Oh, we love humans! Quick, quick, do you have any dance mixes available? Oh, are those your new weapons? Oh, they look sooo advanced. You must give me a demonstration."
The sound of teeth grinding could be heard from orbit.
------------------------
"So, what have you told them about me Liara." Benezia was trying to keep a stern and straight face as the tense occasion demanded, but she was having trouble maintaining it as the humans surrounded her.
"They sort of needed all the help they could get, Mother." Liara herself was having some trouble keeping hold of her feelings of betrayal and sorrow as the human 'biotics' powered up for the fight. "They're still using amps, mother. Amps."
"Now, now, dear. They've worked very hard to produce those things." Benezia gave Shepard a benevolent smile. "Despite the results, the effort put in was nothing short of a wonderfully good try."
The sound of teeth grinding could be heard on Noveria's moon.
Funny little humans and their funny little toys 3/3
anonymous
April 18 2015, 22:22:57 UTC
"YOU ARE NOT SAREN." The red hologram on the screen boomed. "YOU ARE...ADORABLE. OH MY GOODNESS, YOU'RE SO CUTE AND CUDDLY!"
"Oh for fuck's sake!" Shepard looked around angrily. "Are we seriously getting it from a fucking machine god now?"
"GOODNESS, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE GROUP OF SWEETHEARTS, AREN'T YOU?" The machine gushed. "LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF, I AM SOVEREIGN, THE VANGUARD OF YOUR DESTRUCTION. I THINK I WILL NAME YOU SQUISHY. YOU SHALL BE MY SQUISHY, AND YOU SHALL BE MINE. COME HERE, LITTLE SQUISHY...!"
The sound of teeth grinding could be heard in the neighbouring star system.
--------------------------
"Your attempts to wound me are almost endearing, Shepard." Saren grabbed the human by the neck and hung him over the edge of the platform. Shepard could hear the sound of the Normandy approaching for pickup. "I just want to take those chubby pink cheeks and squeeze..."
Shepard punched him in the face.
-----------------------
"I am Vigil." The Prothean VI intoned serenly. "I have been left behind to guide future races in repelling the Reaper Threat. Although, the belief was that the races that might come after us would be slightly more technologically advanced...though you are extremely cute."
The sound of teeth grinding could be heard in the next cluster.
------------------------
Saren collapsed, bleeding from a dozen different wounds on the steps of the Council chambers. He gasped for air as Shepard, Ashley and Wrex stood over him.
"I could not imagine...a better way to die." Saren smiled indulgently. "It's like...being overwhelmed by a group of cuddly pyjaks."
Shepard and Ashley began kicking Saren the rest of the way to death's door.
------------------------------
"Admiral!" One of the bridge staff of the Destiny Ascension turned around. "Main guns are down, we're losing atmosphere on four decks. One more good hit and we're through!"
"Wait! New ships detected..." The XO lifted her head. "It's the Alliance! Fifth Fleet under Admiral Hackett!"
"Is that the one with the tickly beard?" Lidanya smiled despite herself. "But...wait, the humans won't stand a chance! Get the main guns back online! We have to protect the cuddly ones!"
Fifth Fleet swarmed into the system in waves, the First Squadron's cruisers firing as fast as their guns could cycle, picking off the geth ships swarming over the Destiny Ascension.
The Cairo and the Emden both took hits on the way in. They imploded, burning furiously along with their thousand strong crews. On and on they came, fighting through the geth lines, swarming into the Citadel to surround the Reaper attached to the tower.
The Reaper lashed out with its tentacles, attempting to hug the kawaii Alliance cruisers, but only crushing them. The rate of fire intensified, the Citadel races watching in confused awe as the primitive, cuddly humans went toe to toe with the monster that had destroyed their fleet.
One tiny ship, smaller than all the rest, shot high above the melee, then dived downwards, releasing an almost comically oversized torpedo that slammed right through the belly of the beast and exploded.
-----------------------
"So, after further consideration, the Citadel Council has unanimously decided that human technology is fast approaching near peer status with the Citadel races." Sparatus was holding a giant icepack on his head as he addressed the group of humans. "Which is why we had a fight...argument...discussion over allowing humans a place on the Citadel Council."
"To which not all of us agreed." Tevos glared at Sparatus through a black eye.
Valern made an angry sound through a mouthful of broken teeth.
"But at the end of a very productive dciscussion about how the human fleet saved ALL of us." Sparatus growled as he glanced back at the other two Councillors. "We agreed to my point of view."
Shepard stepped forward. "Councillors, we are honoured by this sign of esteem and respect from..."
"Whoah, whoah whoah!" Sparatus held up his hand. "We're just giving you a Council seat, Commander. Let's put a pin and a raincheck on the respect thing for another day."
The sound of teeth grinding awoke the Reapers hiding in dark space.
"It's adorable." Lidanya declared tipsily. "I mean our children play with toys more advanced than human computer systems. And my bathtub has heavier armour than the Everest, and that's their largest warship!"
"That's not the best part." Tevos interrupted. "The best part is how independent they think they are. I mean, they learned a lot from the beacons on Mars, but they're still at least fifty years behind the galactic mainstream, and that's even with the technology we sell to them even though they insist they don't need it."
The three matriarchs giggled furiously. Lidanya actually had to wipe tears of mirth off her face. "But just compare most of the species to the humans. Humans are an average of what, six feet tall? Muscle mass varies from person to person? About four hundred ships in their fleet, only seventy of which are cruiser firepower or greater. Turians, krogan and batarians are all taller and more muscular than humans. Asari have natural biotics, and salarians exceptional speed and reflexes to compensate. I mean, even an enraged elcor could crush a human in a fight."
"And fleet strength is another factor." Tevos noted. "Only the batarians have a smaller fleet than the humans, and that's because the embargo is crippling their ability to build and maintain one."
"They did come up with medi-gel, though." Irissa noted. "Although that was the result of a lab accident I think."
"Like most major human discoveries, it was a complete fluke." Tevos resisted the urge to giggle again. "Like that Mattock rifle of theirs. The makers stuck an oversized power core in it because they ran out of normal sized cores, only to find out that the rifle was three times as powerful as before."
"Now I hear that the humans are creating some new stealth ship with the turians."
"Ah yes, 'stealth technology'." Lidanya air quoted. "It's not like the asari and the salarians have had complete cloaking for centuries. I mean, the stuff that the humans are working on isn't even complete invisibility, just temporary masking of heat signatures. All you'd need to do would be to go to visual scanners and they'd pop right up."
"Oh, you don't know the half of it. Turns out they want a Spectre now. A Spectre, girls." Tevos finished her drink. "I wasn't sure whether to give poor Ambassador Udina a hug or offer him a lolly after he finished his rant."
"Why not give it to them?" Lidanya suggested. "The Spectres could always do with a bit of comic relief."
"Maybe I will." Tevos snorted. "We could use it as a sort of cute and cuddly mascot for the agency. Goddess knows they could use some improvement for their image."
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Sparatus finally got control of himself long enough to offer a few words. "Now, nobody blames the Alliance for what happened on Eden Prime. After all, this kind of thing can happen to any species. Like leaving one of their biggest colonies relatively unprotected, getting one of the Council's Spectres killed, and then blowing up a priceless Prothean beacon. Blaming one of our best agents for the whole thing is a little new, but your species has all sort of inventive ways."
On the podium below him, Udina, Anderson and Shepard all ground their teeth with barely restrained fury.
-------
The Council looked at each other with a little embarrassment as the recording giving evidence of Saren's treachery was played in front of them.
"Well...this may have an outcome on the investigation." Sparatus admitted ruefully. "Well done...I suppose."
"There's an easy way to solve this." Shepard stepped forward. "Appoint me as a Spectre and send me after Saren."
The Council immediately burst into hysterics. Valern gasped through his laughter. "By the Collapse, I thought this was going to be a bit of a down day, but Shepard, you've lifted my spirits right back up."
The sound of teeth grinding was audible from the Presidium.
----------------------
"Aw, look at you." Liara cooed from where she was imprisoned in her blue bubble. "Have you come to rescue me? How clever of you. Now tell me, where is the Spectre in charge?"
"I'm the Spectre in charge." Shepard explained as he powered down the energy field.
Liara giggled. "Oh, excellent joke, human. I'd forgotten how witty your species was."
The sound of teeth grinding was heard on the surface of the planet.
----------------------
Shepard and the team spread out as they approached the Thorian. There was a convulsion within the plant beast, then a naked green asari was deposited from its mandibles.
"Who dares enter the lair of the Tho..." The green asari blinked. "Oh its humans! Oh, we love humans! Quick, quick, do you have any dance mixes available? Oh, are those your new weapons? Oh, they look sooo advanced. You must give me a demonstration."
The sound of teeth grinding could be heard from orbit.
------------------------
"So, what have you told them about me Liara." Benezia was trying to keep a stern and straight face as the tense occasion demanded, but she was having trouble maintaining it as the humans surrounded her.
"They sort of needed all the help they could get, Mother." Liara herself was having some trouble keeping hold of her feelings of betrayal and sorrow as the human 'biotics' powered up for the fight. "They're still using amps, mother. Amps."
"Now, now, dear. They've worked very hard to produce those things." Benezia gave Shepard a benevolent smile. "Despite the results, the effort put in was nothing short of a wonderfully good try."
The sound of teeth grinding could be heard on Noveria's moon.
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Looking forward to more of this because it's hilarious.
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"Oh for fuck's sake!" Shepard looked around angrily. "Are we seriously getting it from a fucking machine god now?"
"GOODNESS, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE GROUP OF SWEETHEARTS, AREN'T YOU?" The machine gushed. "LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF, I AM SOVEREIGN, THE VANGUARD OF YOUR DESTRUCTION. I THINK I WILL NAME YOU SQUISHY. YOU SHALL BE MY SQUISHY, AND YOU SHALL BE MINE. COME HERE, LITTLE SQUISHY...!"
The sound of teeth grinding could be heard in the neighbouring star system.
--------------------------
"Your attempts to wound me are almost endearing, Shepard." Saren grabbed the human by the neck and hung him over the edge of the platform. Shepard could hear the sound of the Normandy approaching for pickup. "I just want to take those chubby pink cheeks and squeeze..."
Shepard punched him in the face.
-----------------------
"I am Vigil." The Prothean VI intoned serenly. "I have been left behind to guide future races in repelling the Reaper Threat. Although, the belief was that the races that might come after us would be slightly more technologically advanced...though you are extremely cute."
The sound of teeth grinding could be heard in the next cluster.
------------------------
Saren collapsed, bleeding from a dozen different wounds on the steps of the Council chambers. He gasped for air as Shepard, Ashley and Wrex stood over him.
"I could not imagine...a better way to die." Saren smiled indulgently. "It's like...being overwhelmed by a group of cuddly pyjaks."
Shepard and Ashley began kicking Saren the rest of the way to death's door.
------------------------------
"Admiral!" One of the bridge staff of the Destiny Ascension turned around. "Main guns are down, we're losing atmosphere on four decks. One more good hit and we're through!"
"Wait! New ships detected..." The XO lifted her head. "It's the Alliance! Fifth Fleet under Admiral Hackett!"
"Is that the one with the tickly beard?" Lidanya smiled despite herself. "But...wait, the humans won't stand a chance! Get the main guns back online! We have to protect the cuddly ones!"
Fifth Fleet swarmed into the system in waves, the First Squadron's cruisers firing as fast as their guns could cycle, picking off the geth ships swarming over the Destiny Ascension.
The Cairo and the Emden both took hits on the way in. They imploded, burning furiously along with their thousand strong crews. On and on they came, fighting through the geth lines, swarming into the Citadel to surround the Reaper attached to the tower.
The Reaper lashed out with its tentacles, attempting to hug the kawaii Alliance cruisers, but only crushing them. The rate of fire intensified, the Citadel races watching in confused awe as the primitive, cuddly humans went toe to toe with the monster that had destroyed their fleet.
One tiny ship, smaller than all the rest, shot high above the melee, then dived downwards, releasing an almost comically oversized torpedo that slammed right through the belly of the beast and exploded.
-----------------------
"So, after further consideration, the Citadel Council has unanimously decided that human technology is fast approaching near peer status with the Citadel races." Sparatus was holding a giant icepack on his head as he addressed the group of humans. "Which is why we had a fight...argument...discussion over allowing humans a place on the Citadel Council."
"To which not all of us agreed." Tevos glared at Sparatus through a black eye.
Valern made an angry sound through a mouthful of broken teeth.
"But at the end of a very productive dciscussion about how the human fleet saved ALL of us." Sparatus growled as he glanced back at the other two Councillors. "We agreed to my point of view."
Shepard stepped forward. "Councillors, we are honoured by this sign of esteem and respect from..."
"Whoah, whoah whoah!" Sparatus held up his hand. "We're just giving you a Council seat, Commander. Let's put a pin and a raincheck on the respect thing for another day."
The sound of teeth grinding awoke the Reapers hiding in dark space.
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This story made my week, it's great. X'D
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ROFLMAO
Fill of the century!
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Ah ha priceless I would have loved to have seen that.
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