Re: FILL: To Break A Hero (F!Shep/Kaidan) 13/?
anonymous
February 28 2014, 23:22:00 UTC
There was not enough alcohol in her cabin, Shepard thought as she tossed the empty bottle of whiskey in the trash. Then again, there might not be enough alcohol in the universe to help with her mood.
Cerberus had kidnapped, tortured, and brainwashed Kaidan. The stark reality was that he was no longer the man she loved - he was an enemy wearing that man’s face. And that hurt in a way that Shepard had never felt before. Cerberus had done this specifically to hurt her. She had never dreamed that defying the Illusive Man would result in this.
Since returning from the Citadel, there had been a series of knocks on Shepard’s cabin, accompanied by commentary from EDI about who was causing it. Shepard had ignored them all, telling them to leave if her silence wasn’t enough.
Shepard went over to see if there was any more in her desk - which brought her face-to-face with the picture of Kaidan. She stared at it for a long moment, alcohol blunting some of the emotions that picture was bringing up - but not all of them. She gripped at the wall as the tears started, sliding down to sit on the floor as she hugged herself and sobbed.
She had no idea how long she sat there, crying, forgetting about all her responsibilities and all the people who were counting on her to be strong. Long enough for her throat to be dry by the time a noise caught her attention. Her door was opening.
“EDI-“ she started to say angrily, but stopped when she saw who was there. The multiple people who were there. Liara and Garrus, James and Dr. Chakwas.
“You have to talk to someone,” Liara said, her voice soft but firm. “So pick one, and the rest of us will go away and leave you alone.”
“We know that what happened on the Citadel is tearing you up,” James said.
“I had no idea you cared, Vega,” Shepard said sharply. She saw James flinch at the tone.
“Don’t do that, Shepard,” Chakwas said. “Liara’s right. We won’t let you be try and ride this out alone. We do care about you.”
Shepard looked between their four faces - James still looking hurt, Liara and Garrus looking concerned, and Chakwas’ jaw set in a stubborn expression. “Fine,” she said. “Chakwas can stay.”
Liara nodded, turning to leave. The two men followed her. Chakwas walked over and took a seat on the couch, Shepard following slowly. She felt woozy, and decided to lean against the wall rather than make it all the way to the couch.
“Here,” Chakwas said, rising again to hand over a nutrient bar to Shepard. “You’ll still have a hell of a hangover tomorrow, but maybe you won’t be sick.”
“Pain is good,” Shepard said, but she took the bar and peeled off the wrapper.
“You’re not the only one who’s hurting, Shepard,” Chakwas said gently. “Did you forget that I knew Alenko before you came onto the Normandy?”
She had, and it must have showed on her face, because Chakwas nodded. “I thought so. It’s okay, Shepard. I can’t even imagine what this feels like to you. I saw the relationship between the two of you growing, two years ago. I’d never seen him so happy.”
Shepard closed her eyes and thought back to those days on the first Normandy. Talking to Kaidan about his time at BAaT. Consoling each other after Virmire, after Ashley’s death. The night before the Mu Relay, before Ilos. The time they’d spent together in the month before -
Before she died. And started on the path to losing him to Cerberus.
She didn’t realize that she was crying again until Chakwas put a hand on her shoulder and she turned to look at her through blurry eyes. “This wasn’t your fault, Shepard,” Chakwas said. “James told me what Kaidan said. I can see why they would have told him that - it makes my blood boil, but I can see it. But don’t believe it. The only one to blame is the Illusive Man. It was his choice to do this to Kaidan. Nothing you did justifies this. He wanted you to get to the Collector home world and stop human colonies from disappearing - you did that. Everything after that was, rightfully, your choice. Don’t let him convince you otherwise.”
Cerberus had kidnapped, tortured, and brainwashed Kaidan. The stark reality was that he was no longer the man she loved - he was an enemy wearing that man’s face. And that hurt in a way that Shepard had never felt before. Cerberus had done this specifically to hurt her. She had never dreamed that defying the Illusive Man would result in this.
Since returning from the Citadel, there had been a series of knocks on Shepard’s cabin, accompanied by commentary from EDI about who was causing it. Shepard had ignored them all, telling them to leave if her silence wasn’t enough.
Shepard went over to see if there was any more in her desk - which brought her face-to-face with the picture of Kaidan. She stared at it for a long moment, alcohol blunting some of the emotions that picture was bringing up - but not all of them. She gripped at the wall as the tears started, sliding down to sit on the floor as she hugged herself and sobbed.
She had no idea how long she sat there, crying, forgetting about all her responsibilities and all the people who were counting on her to be strong. Long enough for her throat to be dry by the time a noise caught her attention. Her door was opening.
“EDI-“ she started to say angrily, but stopped when she saw who was there. The multiple people who were there. Liara and Garrus, James and Dr. Chakwas.
“You have to talk to someone,” Liara said, her voice soft but firm. “So pick one, and the rest of us will go away and leave you alone.”
“We know that what happened on the Citadel is tearing you up,” James said.
“I had no idea you cared, Vega,” Shepard said sharply. She saw James flinch at the tone.
“Don’t do that, Shepard,” Chakwas said. “Liara’s right. We won’t let you be try and ride this out alone. We do care about you.”
Shepard looked between their four faces - James still looking hurt, Liara and Garrus looking concerned, and Chakwas’ jaw set in a stubborn expression. “Fine,” she said. “Chakwas can stay.”
Liara nodded, turning to leave. The two men followed her. Chakwas walked over and took a seat on the couch, Shepard following slowly. She felt woozy, and decided to lean against the wall rather than make it all the way to the couch.
“Here,” Chakwas said, rising again to hand over a nutrient bar to Shepard. “You’ll still have a hell of a hangover tomorrow, but maybe you won’t be sick.”
“Pain is good,” Shepard said, but she took the bar and peeled off the wrapper.
“You’re not the only one who’s hurting, Shepard,” Chakwas said gently. “Did you forget that I knew Alenko before you came onto the Normandy?”
She had, and it must have showed on her face, because Chakwas nodded. “I thought so. It’s okay, Shepard. I can’t even imagine what this feels like to you. I saw the relationship between the two of you growing, two years ago. I’d never seen him so happy.”
Shepard closed her eyes and thought back to those days on the first Normandy. Talking to Kaidan about his time at BAaT. Consoling each other after Virmire, after Ashley’s death. The night before the Mu Relay, before Ilos. The time they’d spent together in the month before -
Before she died. And started on the path to losing him to Cerberus.
She didn’t realize that she was crying again until Chakwas put a hand on her shoulder and she turned to look at her through blurry eyes. “This wasn’t your fault, Shepard,” Chakwas said. “James told me what Kaidan said. I can see why they would have told him that - it makes my blood boil, but I can see it. But don’t believe it. The only one to blame is the Illusive Man. It was his choice to do this to Kaidan. Nothing you did justifies this. He wanted you to get to the Collector home world and stop human colonies from disappearing - you did that. Everything after that was, rightfully, your choice. Don’t let him convince you otherwise.”
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