The Interlude: Saren + Sparatus 4B/5
anonymous
January 6 2014, 12:58:54 UTC
Part 4B
“Fuck you Saren,” He snapped and rolled onto his side, presenting his back to the Spectre as a way to shut him out. “Fuck you.”
Next to him, Saren sighed and muttered a reply. “I offered that already. You made yourself clear.”
“You don’t need someone to fuck you,” Sparatus snarled at him over his shoulder. “You need a damn hug once in a while.” Just not from me. “...I’ve taken advantage of you often enough for one lifetime.”
“What are you talking about?” He asked curiously and Sparatus felt him shift onto his side as well.
The words were out of his mouth and there was no taking them back. He couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t said them, not when Saren lightly grasped his elbow and he flinched at the contact. The Spectre tugged at him until he had to turn back over and meet those puzzled silver eyes.
“What did you mean by that?”
“I took advantage of you,” He repeated, enunciating each syllable. “Time and time again while we were dating.”
Saren’s mandibles made minute rotations as he thought. “You did not.” He said at last, just as articulate.
For a moment Sparatus saw the Spectre as he’d been at eighteen; so young, the last living Arterius, utterly alone and visiting the Citadel for the first time. He’d worn the white armor of the Cabals proudly, his chest out and his shoulders back, his head held high. But speaking with him that first day, watching as he was commemorated for what he’d done at Temple Palaven, for the Hierarchy at large, Sparatus had seen the sadness in his eyes. He’d also, he was ashamed to admit now, seen a young man, a turian hero he’d wanted to bed.
“I did, you were all alone and grieving, looking for something to latch onto to keep from spiraling out of control. I made sure that something was me…because I’m selfish and I didn’t want anyone else to have you before I did. And once I’d had you, I didn’t want to share….”
Saren blinked but that was his only reaction. Sparatus found that he couldn’t stop speaking now that he was willing to admit to everything. The thought that he could meet his end one day with the secret still weighing down his spirit was terrifying.
“At first I didn’t care if I added to your pain.” He said, reaching toward Saren and then stopping himself when he realized what he was doing. “It was supposed to be a fling, a way for me to get what I wanted and- through the distraction of an affair- a way for you to heal. And then I got to know you, really know you and not that disguise you wear to protect yourself, and I … Never meant to fall for you.”
The Spectre was still quiet, his expression and the look in his eyes unreadable. Sparatus kept talking.
“The differences in our age and ranks wouldn’t have mattered were I not the Councilor and you were not…Cabal. There was far too much distance in that aspect of our lives for our relationship to have been accepted. The closer I got to you, the more I loved you, the more I realized we could never become anything but lovers, we could never have been mates. And I wanted that so much Saren but I knew we couldn’t without destroying both our futures. When I discovered you had other lovers… I used that to push you away. I thought it was better if you hated me.”
Sparatus felt lighter almost once all the words were out. All the things that had made it impossible to sleep for weeks after he’d ended things with Saren
“All this time,” Saren stated a few moments after he’d finished speaking. “I thought I was the one that pushed you away.”
He shook his head as much as he could with his cheek pressed into the mattress; they’d never retrieved the pillow.
“Fuck you Saren,” He snapped and rolled onto his side, presenting his back to the Spectre as a way to shut him out. “Fuck you.”
Next to him, Saren sighed and muttered a reply. “I offered that already. You made yourself clear.”
“You don’t need someone to fuck you,” Sparatus snarled at him over his shoulder. “You need a damn hug once in a while.” Just not from me. “...I’ve taken advantage of you often enough for one lifetime.”
“What are you talking about?” He asked curiously and Sparatus felt him shift onto his side as well.
The words were out of his mouth and there was no taking them back. He couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t said them, not when Saren lightly grasped his elbow and he flinched at the contact. The Spectre tugged at him until he had to turn back over and meet those puzzled silver eyes.
“What did you mean by that?”
“I took advantage of you,” He repeated, enunciating each syllable. “Time and time again while we were dating.”
Saren’s mandibles made minute rotations as he thought. “You did not.” He said at last, just as articulate.
For a moment Sparatus saw the Spectre as he’d been at eighteen; so young, the last living Arterius, utterly alone and visiting the Citadel for the first time. He’d worn the white armor of the Cabals proudly, his chest out and his shoulders back, his head held high. But speaking with him that first day, watching as he was commemorated for what he’d done at Temple Palaven, for the Hierarchy at large, Sparatus had seen the sadness in his eyes. He’d also, he was ashamed to admit now, seen a young man, a turian hero he’d wanted to bed.
“I did, you were all alone and grieving, looking for something to latch onto to keep from spiraling out of control. I made sure that something was me…because I’m selfish and I didn’t want anyone else to have you before I did. And once I’d had you, I didn’t want to share….”
Saren blinked but that was his only reaction. Sparatus found that he couldn’t stop speaking now that he was willing to admit to everything. The thought that he could meet his end one day with the secret still weighing down his spirit was terrifying.
“At first I didn’t care if I added to your pain.” He said, reaching toward Saren and then stopping himself when he realized what he was doing. “It was supposed to be a fling, a way for me to get what I wanted and- through the distraction of an affair- a way for you to heal. And then I got to know you, really know you and not that disguise you wear to protect yourself, and I … Never meant to fall for you.”
The Spectre was still quiet, his expression and the look in his eyes unreadable. Sparatus kept talking.
“The differences in our age and ranks wouldn’t have mattered were I not the Councilor and you were not…Cabal. There was far too much distance in that aspect of our lives for our relationship to have been accepted. The closer I got to you, the more I loved you, the more I realized we could never become anything but lovers, we could never have been mates. And I wanted that so much Saren but I knew we couldn’t without destroying both our futures. When I discovered you had other lovers… I used that to push you away. I thought it was better if you hated me.”
Sparatus felt lighter almost once all the words were out. All the things that had made it impossible to sleep for weeks after he’d ended things with Saren
“All this time,” Saren stated a few moments after he’d finished speaking. “I thought I was the one that pushed you away.”
He shook his head as much as he could with his cheek pressed into the mattress; they’d never retrieved the pillow.
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