Re: House of Three, 3B/4
anonymous
August 21 2013, 05:08:26 UTC
"Good. Now. Are you back with me?"
"Yes, Ash." Always say her name. That was the other rule.
"Are you ready to tell me what's been bothering you?" He didn't answer at first. Could he? He didn't even know himself- it was more of a dull, formless ache that had started back on the Denali and just refused to abate. Ashley waited him out, holding her coffee mug just below her lips, still as a statue as he tried to reach under the surface of his mind and grab a particularly slippery fish into his hands. He didn't even think about going down any other pathways. He was under orders, just as much as he'd been as a boot, still enthralled by-
Ah. He looked up, finally, and nodded. "Yes, Ash." And felt a little glow in his chest when she favored him with a smile.
"Good. If I let you tell me, will you leave again?"
John closed his eyes. Took a breath. Waited until it was the truth. "No, Ash."
"Go ahead, then." Still poised, patient, perfect. She made him want to obey.
Badly enough that he started talking, even when he wanted more than anything to sink back into silence. "It was the first time I'd seen Earth from orbit since the end." She didn't have to ask what the end meant. "I could see the craters. The scars. Big patches of dark where I kept expecting cities to be. We lost so goddamn much, Ash. I couldn't stop looking at it, thinking about what it must have taken to do all that, thinking about millions of people going into those pods every day."
He was breathing faster, words tumbling out. "I was standing there looking at it in one of the observation bays, and these kids came up to me. Junior crew, officer candidates, hell, I don't know. They didn't even want to hear stories, or they'd been told not to ask. All they wanted to do was shake my hand, tell me what an honor it was to meet me. They thought I was a hero, Ash. Everyone does. I get all this special treatment, the best food, best booze, respect, and I don't deserve any of it. I could have gone a week earlier. A day. An hour." He ducked his head down, some part of his mind making him put down the glass of whiskey before it spilled. Squeezed his eyes shut, to push back the universe. "But I didn't. And I let all those people die."
Long silence, as John kept his eyes shut. Staying alone in the dark. Where he belonged. And then warm, slender fingers cupped under his chin, lifting it until his eyes opened. That was another rule, drummed into him over and over. Never hide from her. Because no matter what he thought of himself, Ashley had told him over and over in that same smooth voice, she would always want to look at him. So he looked up, silent, into chocolate-brown eyes as her hand came down to stroke his head.
After a while he had to ask. "Going to tell me not to blame myself?"
Ashley shook her head. "Oh, love." Her voice was tender now in a way that made him want to cry. "If it were that simple I'd have given the order long ago. But I know it isn't. You have to get there on your own. And you will. But nothing there-" she reached out and ran her fingers over the glass, "-is going to help."
"I know. I'm s-"
"Ears." She cut him off, still some warmth in her voice but the tone of command unmistakable.
"Open."
"Eyeballs."
"Click."
"Good. Now. Were you going to apologize to me?"
"Yes, Ash." No point in denying it.
"And is that what I want? You to let me know you feel bad about it?" He knew that one too. But he had to say it.
"No, Ash." She smiled and leaned down, kissing him on the forehead. For just a moment she was his lady, bestowing her favor on the knight who fought his own monsters for her sake.
"And will you try to do better next time?" He heard the emphasis on try. Ashley never demanded perfection. Or even milestones. The only thing she would not tolerate in her loves was giving up.
House of Three, 3C/4
anonymous
August 21 2013, 05:08:58 UTC
Her smile was like the sun burning through a raincloud. "Good." She leaned down and kissed him deeply, her hands going to his cheeks. She poured herself into it, letting him feel her breath flow into his lungs, savoring the taste of him against her mouth. At length she drew back, parting reluctantly from him as a hand slid up and down his chest. "Now. I'm going to go take a nice, long shower. Then I'm going to bed. Are you coming?"
"Yes, Ash." All he needed to say, right there in the words she'd given him.
This random anon is very much still here and sorry for not posting previously. I love the dynamic that you have set up here and I like knowing how much it works for each of them in their own way. I also love that it's not necessarily all of them together at once, though I love it when they are. Looking forward to more. Thank you for sharing this story with us.
"Yes, Ash." Always say her name. That was the other rule.
"Are you ready to tell me what's been bothering you?" He didn't answer at first. Could he? He didn't even know himself- it was more of a dull, formless ache that had started back on the Denali and just refused to abate. Ashley waited him out, holding her coffee mug just below her lips, still as a statue as he tried to reach under the surface of his mind and grab a particularly slippery fish into his hands. He didn't even think about going down any other pathways. He was under orders, just as much as he'd been as a boot, still enthralled by-
Ah. He looked up, finally, and nodded. "Yes, Ash." And felt a little glow in his chest when she favored him with a smile.
"Good. If I let you tell me, will you leave again?"
John closed his eyes. Took a breath. Waited until it was the truth. "No, Ash."
"Go ahead, then." Still poised, patient, perfect. She made him want to obey.
Badly enough that he started talking, even when he wanted more than anything to sink back into silence. "It was the first time I'd seen Earth from orbit since the end." She didn't have to ask what the end meant. "I could see the craters. The scars. Big patches of dark where I kept expecting cities to be. We lost so goddamn much, Ash. I couldn't stop looking at it, thinking about what it must have taken to do all that, thinking about millions of people going into those pods every day."
He was breathing faster, words tumbling out. "I was standing there looking at it in one of the observation bays, and these kids came up to me. Junior crew, officer candidates, hell, I don't know. They didn't even want to hear stories, or they'd been told not to ask. All they wanted to do was shake my hand, tell me what an honor it was to meet me. They thought I was a hero, Ash. Everyone does. I get all this special treatment, the best food, best booze, respect, and I don't deserve any of it. I could have gone a week earlier. A day. An hour." He ducked his head down, some part of his mind making him put down the glass of whiskey before it spilled. Squeezed his eyes shut, to push back the universe. "But I didn't. And I let all those people die."
Long silence, as John kept his eyes shut. Staying alone in the dark. Where he belonged. And then warm, slender fingers cupped under his chin, lifting it until his eyes opened. That was another rule, drummed into him over and over. Never hide from her. Because no matter what he thought of himself, Ashley had told him over and over in that same smooth voice, she would always want to look at him. So he looked up, silent, into chocolate-brown eyes as her hand came down to stroke his head.
After a while he had to ask. "Going to tell me not to blame myself?"
Ashley shook her head. "Oh, love." Her voice was tender now in a way that made him want to cry. "If it were that simple I'd have given the order long ago. But I know it isn't. You have to get there on your own. And you will. But nothing there-" she reached out and ran her fingers over the glass, "-is going to help."
"I know. I'm s-"
"Ears." She cut him off, still some warmth in her voice but the tone of command unmistakable.
"Open."
"Eyeballs."
"Click."
"Good. Now. Were you going to apologize to me?"
"Yes, Ash." No point in denying it.
"And is that what I want? You to let me know you feel bad about it?" He knew that one too. But he had to say it.
"No, Ash." She smiled and leaned down, kissing him on the forehead. For just a moment she was his lady, bestowing her favor on the knight who fought his own monsters for her sake.
"And will you try to do better next time?" He heard the emphasis on try. Ashley never demanded perfection. Or even milestones. The only thing she would not tolerate in her loves was giving up.
"Yes, Ash."
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"Yes, Ash." All he needed to say, right there in the words she'd given him.
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I love the dynamic that you have set up here and I like knowing how much it works for each of them in their own way. I also love that it's not necessarily all of them together at once, though I love it when they are.
Looking forward to more. Thank you for sharing this story with us.
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