Fill: ghost, ghost, i know you live within me (Part 6/?, Femshep/Garrus)
anonymous
June 6 2013, 21:07:50 UTC
Garrus and Sidonis had stayed down in the common room after the rest of the squad hit their bunks, drinking and comparing notes on their civil service days. Shepard watched from the chair he’d come to think of as hers.
“You like him.”
“Hrm?” He turned his back as he stripped down to his undersuit.
“Sidonis. Your bosom buddy.”
“I’m going to ignore how that translated.”
Shepard kicked her legs out in front of her and crossed her arms. He recognized her pose; she'd wait him out to get her answers. Best to give in now and save himself the humiliation of defeat.
“It’s good to have another turian around. Someone who knows about home, about -- well, about being turian. The rest of the squad, I trust them with my life, but --” He stopped, unsure of how to go on.
“But you don’t have to worry about him missing some crucial subvocal or puking if he eats your food by accident.”
Garrus crawled into bed. “Right. It’s reassuring. I’m used to working with non-turians from the Normandy, but there’s something about having another turian around.”
It was a sign of how far they’d come that neither of them winced when he said Normandy.
“I’m envious,” she said out of nowhere.
Garrus froze with his hand on the light. “Envious?”
“Yeah.” She ran a hand through her hair. “It’s stupid, but I miss going out with everyone. Drinking shitty beer, people-watching, just hanging out. Like I did before this. I’d take a night out at Chora’s Den if it meant --”
He rolled on his side to see her face, but she turned away.
“You didn’t come with me tonight?” She shook her head.
“I figured you’d want a night without me in your periphery. You know, turians-only. Ghost-free.”
Garrus frowned. “I like it when I know you’re there,” he said slowly. Shepard half-laughed, her head thrown back, the column of her neck exposed.
“I hate this,” she said, her voice suddenly rough. “I hate being dead.”
After a long, shuddering silence, Shepard kept talking.
“I just feel useless. Yeah, I got you out before the Blood Pack got there. Now what? I just lurk around Omega, listening for anything that can help you. I need my own fight. I’m nothing without it.”
“Shepard,” Garrus said in a careful voice. “You’re helping me.”
“Bullshit,” she retorted flatly. “You don’t need me. You’ve got a squad now. They look up to you. It’s -- it’s amazing, Garrus. When you came here, I thought you’d broken.” She gave him a weak smile. “I thought you’d get shot soon as you could. I’m sorry for doubting you. You were a mess, but you pulled it together.”
He laid his arm over his eyes. “I came here because it seemed like the only thing left. I couldn’t fight the Reapers, but I could fight here. That’s about as much thought as I gave it.”
“Now you’ve got an eleven-man army and a ghost mascot. Things turned out pretty well.” She picked at her sleeve. “I’m so used to fighting and now I can’t. It’s like I don’t know what to do without a gun in my hand.” Shepard rubbed her eyes. Garrus saw, with something like horror, that she was almost crying. “Who am I if I can’t fight?”
In the whole fight against Saren, even after Ash died, he’d never seen Shepard like this. Every blow strengthened her resolve, made her push forward harder and faster. She’d been grim but unbeaten. Now she had nothing to lose by being honest.
He wondered if she hurt this badly when she was alive and hated himself for never asking.
He dropped his arm to his side and stared at her until she looked at him. Then he spoke.
“You aren’t just your battles,” he began. Shepard made that broken laugh again, but didn’t look away.
“I’m a soldier, Garrus. That’s all I know.”
“I know you’re more,” he told her. “Dead or not, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. My squad is my family, but I couldn’t do this without you.”
She wrapped her arms around her chest. In the dim light, she looked very young and very tired.
“Thank you,” she said, so sincere he had to look away. After a moment, he held out his hand. She took it and traced his face with her eyes.
Some things were too large for words. And this, whatever it was and however strange, was just beginning. But he could ask.
Re: Fill: ghost, ghost, i know you live within me (Part 6/?, Femshep/Garrus)
anonymous
June 7 2013, 18:41:15 UTC
It's been so interesting to write a much younger, harder Shepard -- usually my fics involve her when she's more relaxed and happy, and as much as I hate hurting her, seeing her grow has been fascinating! Thank you :)
Re: Fill: ghost, ghost, i know you live within me (Part 6/?, Femshep/Garrus)
anonymous
June 7 2013, 08:44:14 UTC
This is such a delicate little story. I love how you portrait Garrus and Shep and the squad. Everybody feels like a whole person, a round character. The pace is great, as is your writing.
Re: Fill: ghost, ghost, i know you live within me (Part 6/?, Femshep/Garrus)
anonymous
June 7 2013, 18:42:38 UTC
Eee, thank you! It was really important to me to make sure the squad was represented well, because they're such a huge part of Garrus' life. I hadn't seen too many fics with them involved, so I took the chance to flesh them out :)
Seriously, thank you! I'm so glad you're enjoying this story. <3
“You like him.”
“Hrm?” He turned his back as he stripped down to his undersuit.
“Sidonis. Your bosom buddy.”
“I’m going to ignore how that translated.”
Shepard kicked her legs out in front of her and crossed her arms. He recognized her pose; she'd wait him out to get her answers. Best to give in now and save himself the humiliation of defeat.
“It’s good to have another turian around. Someone who knows about home, about -- well, about being turian. The rest of the squad, I trust them with my life, but --” He stopped, unsure of how to go on.
“But you don’t have to worry about him missing some crucial subvocal or puking if he eats your food by accident.”
Garrus crawled into bed. “Right. It’s reassuring. I’m used to working with non-turians from the Normandy, but there’s something about having another turian around.”
It was a sign of how far they’d come that neither of them winced when he said Normandy.
“I’m envious,” she said out of nowhere.
Garrus froze with his hand on the light. “Envious?”
“Yeah.” She ran a hand through her hair. “It’s stupid, but I miss going out with everyone. Drinking shitty beer, people-watching, just hanging out. Like I did before this. I’d take a night out at Chora’s Den if it meant --”
He rolled on his side to see her face, but she turned away.
“You didn’t come with me tonight?” She shook her head.
“I figured you’d want a night without me in your periphery. You know, turians-only. Ghost-free.”
Garrus frowned. “I like it when I know you’re there,” he said slowly. Shepard half-laughed, her head thrown back, the column of her neck exposed.
“I hate this,” she said, her voice suddenly rough. “I hate being dead.”
After a long, shuddering silence, Shepard kept talking.
“I just feel useless. Yeah, I got you out before the Blood Pack got there. Now what? I just lurk around Omega, listening for anything that can help you. I need my own fight. I’m nothing without it.”
“Shepard,” Garrus said in a careful voice. “You’re helping me.”
“Bullshit,” she retorted flatly. “You don’t need me. You’ve got a squad now. They look up to you. It’s -- it’s amazing, Garrus. When you came here, I thought you’d broken.” She gave him a weak smile. “I thought you’d get shot soon as you could. I’m sorry for doubting you. You were a mess, but you pulled it together.”
He laid his arm over his eyes. “I came here because it seemed like the only thing left. I couldn’t fight the Reapers, but I could fight here. That’s about as much thought as I gave it.”
“Now you’ve got an eleven-man army and a ghost mascot. Things turned out pretty well.” She picked at her sleeve. “I’m so used to fighting and now I can’t. It’s like I don’t know what to do without a gun in my hand.” Shepard rubbed her eyes. Garrus saw, with something like horror, that she was almost crying. “Who am I if I can’t fight?”
In the whole fight against Saren, even after Ash died, he’d never seen Shepard like this. Every blow strengthened her resolve, made her push forward harder and faster. She’d been grim but unbeaten. Now she had nothing to lose by being honest.
He wondered if she hurt this badly when she was alive and hated himself for never asking.
He dropped his arm to his side and stared at her until she looked at him. Then he spoke.
“You aren’t just your battles,” he began. Shepard made that broken laugh again, but didn’t look away.
“I’m a soldier, Garrus. That’s all I know.”
“I know you’re more,” he told her. “Dead or not, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. My squad is my family, but I couldn’t do this without you.”
She wrapped her arms around her chest. In the dim light, she looked very young and very tired.
“Thank you,” she said, so sincere he had to look away. After a moment, he held out his hand. She took it and traced his face with her eyes.
Some things were too large for words. And this, whatever it was and however strange, was just beginning. But he could ask.
“Stay tonight?”
She squeezed his hand.
Reply
“I’m going to ignore how that translated.”
Pffft, ha. I'm gonna assume this sort of thing happens a lot.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Seriously, thank you! I'm so glad you're enjoying this story. <3
Reply
Leave a comment