We Are Here to Kick Ass and Form Consensus 3/?
anonymous
May 5 2013, 23:54:59 UTC
The heads in the room again turned to stare at the new arrival. A ten foot Geth Prime stood in the elevator, stooping slightly to exit into the waiting area.
"Greetings." The geth intoned. "I am the appointed commander of the Geth Task Force: Surrender Now And We'll Only Castrate Your Leaders and Take Your Women Instead of Fucking All Your Shit Up. Shortened to Task Force: SNAWOCYLATYWIOFAYSU. You may call me Bob."
There was silence.
Tali cleared her throat. "Well...Bob...what are you doing here?"
"We are here to deliver the antidote." Bob lifted up a single black case.
Garrus blinked. "But we only just found out about the antidote."
"I understand." Bob nodded. "However, Task Force SNAWOCYLATYWIOFAYSU has been pursuing the batarians involved for quite some time now."
"How long?"
"Since yesterday."
--------------------------------------
SOME TIME AGO: YESTERDAY.
There was a murmur in the consensus. In the previous days, when geth intelligence was so much slower, it might have taken a few minutes for the murmur to get around. But since each geth was now a fully evolved AI, it took less than a nano-second.
In the time it took for a quarian's heart to beat once, the entire consensus knew about it. Shepard-Commander had been attacked.
Unit self-designated 'Jack Daniels' was the first to speak. "Is anyone else seeing this?"
United self-designated 'Jim Beam' answered him immediately. "Seeing it? I'm looking through the security cameras at it right now!"
Johnny Walker piped up in response. "Shepard-Commander is badly injured. Williams-Commander is slightly wounded. Their sub-unit under construction seems to be healthy."
Corona was already analysing the medical readings. "Would you look at this? Poison, the fucktards-batarian were using poison!"
"Analysis is conclusive." Smirnoff offered in thick Russian code. "Immediate damage to sub-unit under construction likely unless antidote found."
"Consensus achieved." Guiness spoke over the top of him, an Irish lilt to his binary, as usual. "Units designated fucktards-batarian will return to seek vengeance, even if antidote is found for Shepard-Commander, Williams-Commander and sub-unit."
"Consensus achieved." Budweiser chimed in. "Immediate punitive action under category red recommended."
"Consensus differs." Jagermeister interrupted in a harsh German accent. "I suggest upgrading category to 'Fuck Their Shit Up'."
There was a collective gasp, followed by a worried silence in the consensus. Finally, Jamiesons spoke up. "Isn't that a little extreme? After all, we didn't even declare that category in use when the quarians almost wiped us out!"
Fosters broke in, his rough Australian twang driving home his point. "Jamiesons-Mate, Shepard-Commander saved us from Reaper domination and quarian extinction. His life is in danger. His mate is in danger. His sub-units are in danger. 'Fuck Their Shit Up' is merciful for these galahs-batarians. Fair dinkum."
A slow chant began in the far corners of the consensus. "Fuck Their Shit Up. Fuck Their Shit Up! FUCK THEIR SHIT UP! FUCK THEIR SHIT UP!"
"Consensus achieved, fornicators of female maternal figures!" One geth, who everyone just called 'Bob', sprang up on a theoretical table. "Time to drive the batarians before us and hear the lamentations of their women!"
-----------------
Down on Rannoch, the quarians watched in astonishments as the geth began to stream towards their ships. Some were a little frightened by the sudden departure, but everything was explained when one geth turned to his lover and said: "I should go."
Instantly it was understood. The quarians declared a national holiday as they assisted the geth in getting underway. The geth even paused for a few hours to hold a massive parade through the main street of Rannoch's capital city, with the quarians cheering the geth on as they marched in neat formation.
The parade was concluded by the departure of the geth fleet, accompanied by one hundred geth troopers on electric guitars riffing through 'The Star Spangled Banner'.
When asked for a quote, Admiral Han'Gerrel simply said: "Those magnificent bastards."
Re: We Are Here to Kick Ass and Form Consensus 3/?
anonymous
May 6 2013, 00:08:40 UTC
lol, "fucktards-batarian" and "Task Force SNAWOCYLATYWIOFAYSU" had me almost choking on my tea. Also, why the hell are the geth playing an American anthem? Whatevs, I don't even care, this fill is fucking hilarious.
We Are Here to Kick Ass and Form Consensus 4/?
anonymous
May 6 2013, 01:17:42 UTC
BASE: HAND OF KHAR'SHAN
"Sir...we're just getting the word." Urla turned to Commander Brax. "The team failed. Shepard and Williams and their brood are still alive and kicking. They're being moved to the Citadel."
"Damn it." Brax brought his hand down on the table. "We have no choice. We must accelerate our plans. Inform the fleet that we move out within the hour."
"But sir, we have not yet amassed the support we require." Urla responded. "Balak still drags his heels on his support. He still fears Shepard."
"Then we will fight on to glory without him." Brax declared.
Suddenly there was silence. Then a voice emanated from the speakers. "Hey, assholes, listen up!"
Brax looked at Urla. "Where is that voice coming from?"
Urla looked at the instruments. "Uh...there's a single ship out in front of the base. I think it's...geth."
"That's right, motherfuckers!" The voice shouted again. "This is Andy, Messenger of the Geth! I've got a warning from the Great and Illustrious Bob, may his code be ever binary! Surrender your ships and the antidote to the poison, and we'll spare your lives. You get one chance."
Brax looked at Urla. "Enough of this."
Across the black of the asteroid field, ships began emerging. Fighters, frigates, cruisers, even a dreadnaught. A thousand ships, all crewed by battle hungry batarians.
Brax hit the comm switch. "Not feeling so tough now, are you, little geth?"
"Oh, you dun GOOFED, son!" Andy yelled back. "What, you think a thousand ships scares me? Andy? Bring it, asswipe!"
(In later history, it would be generally acknowledged that Andy was a bit of a loud-mouth, even amongst the very chatty post-war geth)
A thousand ships began to descend on him, weapons primed. Andy suddenly felt very small in his hardware. "Oh..."
Suddenly, a wall of metal emerged from FTL in front of the batarian fleet.
The batarian fleet opened fire, a massive wave of savage weaponry unleashed on the geth fleet. Unfortunately, due to massive upgrades to geth weaponry since the Reaper upgrades, not a single geth ship was harmed.
Then the geth returned fire and wiped out ninety percent of the batarian fleet in a single blast.
"Open a channel." Brax's eyes were bulging out of his head.
Andy's voice immediately piped now. "How you like me now, Braxxie? Braxine? Braxie-Sue?"
"We surrender." Brax all but shouted. "We surrender!"
"Oh no, you don't get off that easy." Andy cackled. "Bob has a very specific list of demands that must be met before you can surrender."
"Name them!"
"First, the antidote."
"You'll get every bit we have."
"Good." Andy's voice got especially smug. "You're not going to like this next bit."
We Are Here to Kick Ass and Form Consensus 5/5
anonymous
May 6 2013, 06:09:23 UTC
PRESENT DAY:
"Speaking of which." Bob looked behind him. The Normandy crew gaped as the Prime shoved a batarian out in front of him. "This is Commander Braxine. Say hello."
The batarian, wearing a blue cotton dress, with a blonde wig stuck on his head, and heavy red lipstick on his mouth, couldn't look more defeated if someone had shot him.
"Now, if you will excuse me." Bob pushed through them. "I have to deliver the antidote, and Braxine has a message for Shepard-Commander."
The door closed shut behind him, leaving a shellshocked crew staring at each other.
----------------------
Ashley breathed a sigh of relief as Chakwas injected the antidote into her system. There was a happy series of kicks from her stomach, reassurances that all was right with the world. "Thank you, Bob."
"It was the pleasure of the Consensus to assist Shepard-Commander and his sub-units." Bob inclined his head. "Had the batarians not surrendered when they did, we likely would have exterminated their fleet and plucked the antidote from their cold, dead hands."
Ashley blinked slightly at the pure, unadulterated menace in the AI's tone.
"Well, I'm glad it was just one bunch of psychopaths." Shepard stood above her, looking a little weak, but smiling at the sight of her alive and well. "Even though they did destroy our house."
"Rest assured, Shepard, Commander, a small army of batarians are presently at work under the direct supervision of unit-self designated 'Fabulous'. Your dwelling area should be returned to normal in a few days." Bob extended his arm to display the diagrams. "After that, I shall personally supervise the installation of auto-defence turrets, motion sensors, and anti-aircraft missiles."
"That's very generous of you." Shepard nodded. "But...uh...what is the batarian here for?"
"Oh, I almost allowed a thought process to be inserted into the Trash File." Bob turned to the dolled up batarian. "Braxine? Just like we rehearsed."
Brax stepped forward and cleared his throat. "I...I just wanted to say that I'm a girl...and...and I like to wear ribbons in my hair..."
He turned to Bob. "I can't do this..."
"Then your wife will be packraped by gang of Geth Juggernaughts." Bob loomed over the wilting terrorist.
"Alright, alright." Brax turned back to Ashley and Shepard. "And...and I like to kiss all the cute boys."
"Very good." Bob patted him on the shoulder. "Your wife is safe for another hour. Now just repeat that to the extranet reporter outside, and you will have earned the right to begin working on painting Commander Shepard's walls."
The two humans stared in utter amazement. Shepard cleared his throat. "Bob...you weren't actually...going to...."
"Absolutely not." The prime shook his head. "His wife is an ugly bovine. Good day."
Shepard blinked slightly as the geth stomped out. "Well...that was something you don't see everyday."
"Tell me about it."
Looking down, Shepard found a knee high, dog like metal construction. "And...you are...?"
"Oh, Andy, former Messenger of the Geth." The dog sounded downcast. "Bob demoted me for being unprofessional. I've been assigned as your personal guard dog for a while."
Ashley leaned closer to Shepard. "Honey, did I really once think sparing the geth was a bad idea?"
Re: We Are Here to Kick Ass and Form Consensus 5/5
anonymous
May 11 2013, 00:04:10 UTC
I had to bit back my laughter all along. I'm not drinking any liquid, but iI'm in bed with my very asleep husband... WOuld have been hard to explain why I have woken him up at 2 am...
"Greetings." The geth intoned. "I am the appointed commander of the Geth Task Force: Surrender Now And We'll Only Castrate Your Leaders and Take Your Women Instead of Fucking All Your Shit Up. Shortened to Task Force: SNAWOCYLATYWIOFAYSU. You may call me Bob."
There was silence.
Tali cleared her throat. "Well...Bob...what are you doing here?"
"We are here to deliver the antidote." Bob lifted up a single black case.
Garrus blinked. "But we only just found out about the antidote."
"I understand." Bob nodded. "However, Task Force SNAWOCYLATYWIOFAYSU has been pursuing the batarians involved for quite some time now."
"How long?"
"Since yesterday."
--------------------------------------
SOME TIME AGO: YESTERDAY.
There was a murmur in the consensus. In the previous days, when geth intelligence was so much slower, it might have taken a few minutes for the murmur to get around. But since each geth was now a fully evolved AI, it took less than a nano-second.
In the time it took for a quarian's heart to beat once, the entire consensus knew about it. Shepard-Commander had been attacked.
Unit self-designated 'Jack Daniels' was the first to speak. "Is anyone else seeing this?"
United self-designated 'Jim Beam' answered him immediately. "Seeing it? I'm looking through the security cameras at it right now!"
Johnny Walker piped up in response. "Shepard-Commander is badly injured. Williams-Commander is slightly wounded. Their sub-unit under construction seems to be healthy."
Corona was already analysing the medical readings. "Would you look at this? Poison, the fucktards-batarian were using poison!"
"Analysis is conclusive." Smirnoff offered in thick Russian code. "Immediate damage to sub-unit under construction likely unless antidote found."
"Consensus achieved." Guiness spoke over the top of him, an Irish lilt to his binary, as usual. "Units designated fucktards-batarian will return to seek vengeance, even if antidote is found for Shepard-Commander, Williams-Commander and sub-unit."
"Consensus achieved." Budweiser chimed in. "Immediate punitive action under category red recommended."
"Consensus differs." Jagermeister interrupted in a harsh German accent. "I suggest upgrading category to 'Fuck Their Shit Up'."
There was a collective gasp, followed by a worried silence in the consensus. Finally, Jamiesons spoke up. "Isn't that a little extreme? After all, we didn't even declare that category in use when the quarians almost wiped us out!"
Fosters broke in, his rough Australian twang driving home his point. "Jamiesons-Mate, Shepard-Commander saved us from Reaper domination and quarian extinction. His life is in danger. His mate is in danger. His sub-units are in danger. 'Fuck Their Shit Up' is merciful for these galahs-batarians. Fair dinkum."
A slow chant began in the far corners of the consensus. "Fuck Their Shit Up. Fuck Their Shit Up! FUCK THEIR SHIT UP! FUCK THEIR SHIT UP!"
"Consensus achieved, fornicators of female maternal figures!" One geth, who everyone just called 'Bob', sprang up on a theoretical table. "Time to drive the batarians before us and hear the lamentations of their women!"
-----------------
Down on Rannoch, the quarians watched in astonishments as the geth began to stream towards their ships. Some were a little frightened by the sudden departure, but everything was explained when one geth turned to his lover and said: "I should go."
Instantly it was understood. The quarians declared a national holiday as they assisted the geth in getting underway. The geth even paused for a few hours to hold a massive parade through the main street of Rannoch's capital city, with the quarians cheering the geth on as they marched in neat formation.
The parade was concluded by the departure of the geth fleet, accompanied by one hundred geth troopers on electric guitars riffing through 'The Star Spangled Banner'.
When asked for a quote, Admiral Han'Gerrel simply said: "Those magnificent bastards."
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LOL
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"Sir...we're just getting the word." Urla turned to Commander Brax. "The team failed. Shepard and Williams and their brood are still alive and kicking. They're being moved to the Citadel."
"Damn it." Brax brought his hand down on the table. "We have no choice. We must accelerate our plans. Inform the fleet that we move out within the hour."
"But sir, we have not yet amassed the support we require." Urla responded. "Balak still drags his heels on his support. He still fears Shepard."
"Then we will fight on to glory without him." Brax declared.
Suddenly there was silence. Then a voice emanated from the speakers. "Hey, assholes, listen up!"
Brax looked at Urla. "Where is that voice coming from?"
Urla looked at the instruments. "Uh...there's a single ship out in front of the base. I think it's...geth."
"That's right, motherfuckers!" The voice shouted again. "This is Andy, Messenger of the Geth! I've got a warning from the Great and Illustrious Bob, may his code be ever binary! Surrender your ships and the antidote to the poison, and we'll spare your lives. You get one chance."
Brax looked at Urla. "Enough of this."
Across the black of the asteroid field, ships began emerging. Fighters, frigates, cruisers, even a dreadnaught. A thousand ships, all crewed by battle hungry batarians.
Brax hit the comm switch. "Not feeling so tough now, are you, little geth?"
"Oh, you dun GOOFED, son!" Andy yelled back. "What, you think a thousand ships scares me? Andy? Bring it, asswipe!"
(In later history, it would be generally acknowledged that Andy was a bit of a loud-mouth, even amongst the very chatty post-war geth)
A thousand ships began to descend on him, weapons primed. Andy suddenly felt very small in his hardware. "Oh..."
Suddenly, a wall of metal emerged from FTL in front of the batarian fleet.
Brax's eyes opened wide. "How many..."
"Ten thousand ships, sir." Urla gulped. "Sir..."
"Open fire." Brax whispered. "OPEN FIRE! SOMEBODY SHOOT SOMETHING!"
The batarian fleet opened fire, a massive wave of savage weaponry unleashed on the geth fleet. Unfortunately, due to massive upgrades to geth weaponry since the Reaper upgrades, not a single geth ship was harmed.
Then the geth returned fire and wiped out ninety percent of the batarian fleet in a single blast.
"Open a channel." Brax's eyes were bulging out of his head.
Andy's voice immediately piped now. "How you like me now, Braxxie? Braxine? Braxie-Sue?"
"We surrender." Brax all but shouted. "We surrender!"
"Oh no, you don't get off that easy." Andy cackled. "Bob has a very specific list of demands that must be met before you can surrender."
"Name them!"
"First, the antidote."
"You'll get every bit we have."
"Good." Andy's voice got especially smug. "You're not going to like this next bit."
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God dam I thought I was going to choke to death when I read this. This story is freaking amazing.
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"Speaking of which." Bob looked behind him. The Normandy crew gaped as the Prime shoved a batarian out in front of him. "This is Commander Braxine. Say hello."
The batarian, wearing a blue cotton dress, with a blonde wig stuck on his head, and heavy red lipstick on his mouth, couldn't look more defeated if someone had shot him.
"Now, if you will excuse me." Bob pushed through them. "I have to deliver the antidote, and Braxine has a message for Shepard-Commander."
The door closed shut behind him, leaving a shellshocked crew staring at each other.
----------------------
Ashley breathed a sigh of relief as Chakwas injected the antidote into her system. There was a happy series of kicks from her stomach, reassurances that all was right with the world. "Thank you, Bob."
"It was the pleasure of the Consensus to assist Shepard-Commander and his sub-units." Bob inclined his head. "Had the batarians not surrendered when they did, we likely would have exterminated their fleet and plucked the antidote from their cold, dead hands."
Ashley blinked slightly at the pure, unadulterated menace in the AI's tone.
"Well, I'm glad it was just one bunch of psychopaths." Shepard stood above her, looking a little weak, but smiling at the sight of her alive and well. "Even though they did destroy our house."
"Rest assured, Shepard, Commander, a small army of batarians are presently at work under the direct supervision of unit-self designated 'Fabulous'. Your dwelling area should be returned to normal in a few days." Bob extended his arm to display the diagrams. "After that, I shall personally supervise the installation of auto-defence turrets, motion sensors, and anti-aircraft missiles."
"That's very generous of you." Shepard nodded. "But...uh...what is the batarian here for?"
"Oh, I almost allowed a thought process to be inserted into the Trash File." Bob turned to the dolled up batarian. "Braxine? Just like we rehearsed."
Brax stepped forward and cleared his throat. "I...I just wanted to say that I'm a girl...and...and I like to wear ribbons in my hair..."
He turned to Bob. "I can't do this..."
"Then your wife will be packraped by gang of Geth Juggernaughts." Bob loomed over the wilting terrorist.
"Alright, alright." Brax turned back to Ashley and Shepard. "And...and I like to kiss all the cute boys."
"Very good." Bob patted him on the shoulder. "Your wife is safe for another hour. Now just repeat that to the extranet reporter outside, and you will have earned the right to begin working on painting Commander Shepard's walls."
The two humans stared in utter amazement. Shepard cleared his throat. "Bob...you weren't actually...going to...."
"Absolutely not." The prime shook his head. "His wife is an ugly bovine. Good day."
Shepard blinked slightly as the geth stomped out. "Well...that was something you don't see everyday."
"Tell me about it."
Looking down, Shepard found a knee high, dog like metal construction. "And...you are...?"
"Oh, Andy, former Messenger of the Geth." The dog sounded downcast. "Bob demoted me for being unprofessional. I've been assigned as your personal guard dog for a while."
Ashley leaned closer to Shepard. "Honey, did I really once think sparing the geth was a bad idea?"
"Yeah."
"Right...slap me when I recover, would you?"
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This anon has also just remembered why it is considered a Very Bad Idea to be drinking something while browsing the kink meme...
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I got such a big grin on my face when I realized what I was getting into.
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*snorts at the image of a Batarian saying "I like to kiss all the cute boys"*
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