Oblivious 3/??
anonymous
February 13 2013, 04:02:57 UTC
“Hey, Garrus?”
“What is it, Joker?”
“You think you could come up to the cockpit for a few minutes?”
The turian strolled up to Joker’s chair, glancing behind himself curiously.
“It seems like the entire squad is up here. I never knew they were all so close with the ensigns working the CIC.”
“Yeah, the Alliance is, uh, tight like that.” Joker swiveled from side to side in his chair impatiently.
“Did you need me for something up here?”
“Right. Well, don’t tell Shepard, but I have this hobby. I’m a… collector. Of, uh, fine art. And I wanted your opinion on something.”
“Um. I don’t think I’m really qualified for that. You might have better luck finding someone on the Citadel.” Garrus waved a hand and turned back towards the elevator.
“No, wait, wait!” The turian paused mid-stride, making an inquisitive flanging noise.
“Just… trust me. Take a look at this and tell me what you think.”
Garrus heaved a sigh. “All right.”
Joker’s fingers flew over the controls, and suddenly two distinctly turian, distinctly feminine voices filled the cockpit, subvocals impossibly overdone as they writhed against each other on a screen in front of the pilot.
Garrus chuckled. “Fine art. I see.”
“So? What do you think?”
He made a contemplative noise as he regarded the vid. “Well, it’s not realistic at all. This seems to have been made for human audiences, not turian; see the way they’re pressing their faces together? No turians actually do that, it’s that weird thing humans do - your faces are all squishy so it works - ”
“Garrus. Garrus. Sure, it’s inaccurate, I get it. Porn always is. What I want to know is - how’s it working?”
“…working?”
“Yeah, man. You getting, you know, all hot and bothered?”
“Turian body temperature is naturally higher than humans, so I guess by your standards…”
“Are. You. Sexually. Aroused.”
Garrus froze in place, mandibles flared wide. “Well, yes.”
He was somehow unaware that the entire CIC had gone completely silent, hanging on his every word.
Joker slowly spun his chair around until he was facing the turian. His gaze lingered on Garrus’s crotch deliberately, and then dragged up his body to meet his eyes.
“You know, brittle bone disease has made it hard for me to have sex normally. I’ve had to become quite skilled in other ways… for example, with my tongue.”
“Uh… good for you?”
“I’m offering to help you out, Garrus. With the arousal thing.”
Garrus stared at him for a second, and then burst out laughing.
“Oh. Oh! That’s nice of you, Joker, really, but I’ve got it covered.” His voice lowered conspiratorially. “I have my own collection stashed under the Mako. But thanks for offering!”
He headed back through the CIC. As soon as the elevator doors closed, the entire floor exploded in laughter.
Re: Oblivious 3/??
anonymous
February 13 2013, 08:01:25 UTC
Mucho rofls from this anon. Can't wait for more :> Oblivious gare-bear is so precious. “That makes sense, given your people’s emphasis on salvaging and repairing any equipment you come across.” Oh honey.
“What is it, Joker?”
“You think you could come up to the cockpit for a few minutes?”
The turian strolled up to Joker’s chair, glancing behind himself curiously.
“It seems like the entire squad is up here. I never knew they were all so close with the ensigns working the CIC.”
“Yeah, the Alliance is, uh, tight like that.” Joker swiveled from side to side in his chair impatiently.
“Did you need me for something up here?”
“Right. Well, don’t tell Shepard, but I have this hobby. I’m a… collector. Of, uh, fine art. And I wanted your opinion on something.”
“Um. I don’t think I’m really qualified for that. You might have better luck finding someone on the Citadel.” Garrus waved a hand and turned back towards the elevator.
“No, wait, wait!” The turian paused mid-stride, making an inquisitive flanging noise.
“Just… trust me. Take a look at this and tell me what you think.”
Garrus heaved a sigh. “All right.”
Joker’s fingers flew over the controls, and suddenly two distinctly turian, distinctly feminine voices filled the cockpit, subvocals impossibly overdone as they writhed against each other on a screen in front of the pilot.
Garrus chuckled. “Fine art. I see.”
“So? What do you think?”
He made a contemplative noise as he regarded the vid. “Well, it’s not realistic at all. This seems to have been made for human audiences, not turian; see the way they’re pressing their faces together? No turians actually do that, it’s that weird thing humans do - your faces are all squishy so it works - ”
“Garrus. Garrus. Sure, it’s inaccurate, I get it. Porn always is. What I want to know is - how’s it working?”
“…working?”
“Yeah, man. You getting, you know, all hot and bothered?”
“Turian body temperature is naturally higher than humans, so I guess by your standards…”
“Are. You. Sexually. Aroused.”
Garrus froze in place, mandibles flared wide. “Well, yes.”
He was somehow unaware that the entire CIC had gone completely silent, hanging on his every word.
Joker slowly spun his chair around until he was facing the turian. His gaze lingered on Garrus’s crotch deliberately, and then dragged up his body to meet his eyes.
“You know, brittle bone disease has made it hard for me to have sex normally. I’ve had to become quite skilled in other ways… for example, with my tongue.”
“Uh… good for you?”
“I’m offering to help you out, Garrus. With the arousal thing.”
Garrus stared at him for a second, and then burst out laughing.
“Oh. Oh! That’s nice of you, Joker, really, but I’ve got it covered.” His voice lowered conspiratorially. “I have my own collection stashed under the Mako. But thanks for offering!”
He headed back through the CIC. As soon as the elevator doors closed, the entire floor exploded in laughter.
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“That makes sense, given your people’s emphasis on salvaging and repairing any equipment you come across.”
Oh honey.
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