Messed up and accidentally posted this in v.13. But hey! In v.14, there was a request about a velociraptor. Cant find it ATM, but here's the cracky fill! First time, mock me mercilessly.
Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardiner had seen a lot of crazy alien crap in his life. Working the eezo rigs, bushwalking on frontier colonies with his kids, and those cool shows about animal fights that they put on the Science vid channels to trick you into learning. However, the two foot tall feathered monstrosity in front of him was a first.
Had Rupert seen it on the vid screen, or even out in the bush, it would not have struck him as so odd. However, in the woman’s common bathroom of the Normandy SR-2... Rupert was really just not prepared to deal with it. He quietly set down his bucket of cleaning supplies, and stepped back out of the bathroom, letting the sliding door close it's self.
A glass of tea. Yes. A glass of tea, then a visit to Doctor Chackwas across the hall would set old Rupert right. He was heading right off to do that, when Crewman Sarah Patel approached from the dorms.
“Lovely space-day, Rupert, isn't it?” She said, heading for the bathroom.
Rupert threw himself in front of the door. “Wait!” He gasped. “Wait. Hold on.”
Sarah looked at him, puzzled. “Someone drop a stinker in there?”
“No, it's just... No.” Rupert chattered. “I think... Yes. Hello Sarah, I need a buddy check.” Rupert finally said, remembering his old spacer days. When men were men, women were men, and children were frequently hallucinations. Yes, back then, there were no FTL transition buffers or relativity shims. Sometimes, you'd see yourself in the mirror, and the image would wave. Space travel used to be weird like that.
“Having a mental hiccup?” Sarah said with a soft smile, “My dad used to get like that. Too many kisses of vaccum, he called it. Right. Hello Rupert Gardiner.” She said, initiating the 'buddy check conversation'.
“Hello, Sarah Patel.”
“You're on the Normady. We're headed to Nevos right now for some leave. We just left Illium. Oh, and we really were captured by Collectors, but that was a week ago.”
“No, I'm okay all that, strangely enough. Can you just, uh, check the bathroom?”
“Of course.” She said, sliding past him to key the door open. “Yeah, my daddy used to get scared of the basement. When I was little, he made a game out of it, having me 'hunt the varren'. One day I caught aOHMYAGH”
Re: Velocity
anonymous
February 8 2013, 06:20:23 UTC
Sarah jumped back with a strangled yell, a curious trilling noise following, but cut off by the swoosh of the door sliding back. “EDI!” She screamed.
“How may I help you, Crewman Patel?” EDI's pleasant globe form asked, popping out from a nearby holographic projector.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about her...” Rupert muttered.
“What the HELL is in the bathroom?!” Sarah seethed.
EDI answered without hesitation, her unsurprised and unflappable AI nature only adding to the surreal nature of what she said. “A female Velociraptor mongoliensis.”
“What the hell is that?” Sarah demanded.
“Oh damn.” Rupert groaned. “That's a dinosaur. My kids used to have toys of 'em.”
“Wait, a literal dinosaur? An extinct earth reptile?”
“Dinosaurs are not classified as reptile, but in their own classification of 'dinosauria'.” EDI chimed.
“Oh thanks EDI.” Sarah snipped. “Why didn't you alert us about this?”
“I had.” EDI replied, the holographic globe tilting slightly to one side. “Sergeant Gardiner requested that all alerts regarding foreign life-forms in the wash rooms be routed to his comm, which is currently in the mess.”
“For stuff like viruses. I didn't need you telling Commander Shepard every time someone left scale-itch on the toilet seat.”
Sarah paled. “Oh god ew.”
“That's not the current problem. EDI, how did the dinosaur get there?” Rupert asked.
“Unknown” Edi chimed. She replaced her hologram with a pop-up surveillance video of the bathroom. “Records indicate it's appearance at 16:24 ship time in the women's bathroom.”
“This is nuts.” Rupert muttered.
“Sergeant Gardiner, this seems to be an isolated incident.” EDI chimed helpfully, clipping to live footage of the velociraptor. “No other unknown lifeforms are present on the ship.”
“Except viruses.” Sarah quipped.
Rupert rolled his eyes.“Oh come on I just disinfected.”
“The population of air-borne viruses currently within the ship are well below safe levels.” EDI chimed.
“And why do we have surveillance cameras in the bathrooms? That's creepy!”
“Now you're just being whiny. Look, dinosaur.” Rupert said, pointing to the video. “What are we going to do about it?”
“We're not doing anything. Just get Shepard.” Sarah said.
“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Rupert countered.
MEANWHILE
The captain’s loft was slightly hazy with smoke, dimmed except for a bright desk-light over Shepard's workspace, and the ever-present glow of the tragically empty fishtank. Two figures huddled over the desk, both staring intently at their current project.
“Should you really be smoking while applying waterslide decals?” Tali asked.
Shepard sat up for a moment to cough, not wanting to disrupt the delicate progress he'd made on his 1:72 scale Hanar Atmosphere Skimmer. His eyes were unnaturally red from weeks of rage and aggression, the usual fire in them was slightly dimmed. “I just have to... chill out while doing this, you know?” He said, setting down his hand-rolled cigarette of dubious filling. “I don’t want to AAAGH FUCK I GOT ASH ON THE DECAL.”
“Commander Shepard.” EDI chimed in.
“Holy fuck EDI do you have ANY IDEA what time it is?!”
Re: Velocity
anonymous
February 8 2013, 06:21:11 UTC
Sarah winced. It was well past 16:20 ship time. Anyone caught bothering Shepard for the next two hours was likely to get dead, and quick. Commander Jim 'Murderface' Shepard had standing orders to never be bothered during what was now known as Girlfriend O'Clock, due to Tali now being unavailable at the same time.
“Okay, so no Shepard. Uhh...” Sarah mused
Rupert snapped his fingers in a sudden flash of inspiration. “Oh! I know! Grunt.”
“Grunt? I was actually kind of thinking Garrus.” Sarah countered.
“Garrus AND Grunt.” Rupert said with a nod.
-
“OhmispirsITSSOCUTE!” Garrus giggled, pointing at the video screen with a talon.
“AhmicestersAHKNEEWWW!” Grunt squealed in the most unsettling way.
Sarah and Rupert stood back from the two aliens acting completely out of character, crestfallen.
“Well, that was a dumb idea.” Rupert said, crossing his arms.
The turian turned, his mandibles flickering excitedly. “No way, are you kidding? It's like a baby! A baby... Cute fierce thing that you just want to hug. Forever. Oh man I want one.”
“Like a bear.” Grunt said.
“Bears? They think bears are cute?” Garrus asked. “Those are the huge furry tree eating things, right?”
Sarah sighed. “Bears don't eat trees. But yes, baby bears are cute.”
“They can also be dangerous.” Rupert added.
“Dangerous?” Garrus laughed. “It doesn’t even come up to my knees. Looks about as fierce as a toddler. I'll catch it.” Garrus said, opening up the women's bathroom.
Grunt hung back while Garrus strode in, baby-talking to the small dinosaur. “Hello sweetheart! You're so cute! Yes you are. Come to Uncle Garry.”
“Since when are baby bears dangerous?” Sarah asked.
Grunt smiled. “They arn't.”
Rupert squinted at Grunt. “So why are you grinning?”
“'Cuz velociraptors are.”
In the bathroom, Garrus continued his patter of baby-talk. “Yes! Hello! You are just the cutest.” The velociraptor cocked it's head, chirping at the Turian. “Come on now sweetheart. I'm gonna call you Doris. We're going to just be best friends you and me.” The velociraptor chirped again, then squawked.
Warning ignored, or simply ignorant of it, Garrus continued to approach. He was rewarded with a sight not seen since before the Protheans, the flicker of movement that propelled the velociraptor seemingly instantly from the bathroom floor to the turian's midsection, clinging to the rents and scars in the armor with uncanny ability, clamoring to the turian's face.
Garrus hardly had time to scream, throwing the velociraptor off his head, and stumbling back out of the bathroom, great blue bloody tears down one side of his face. At that point, Garrus wasn't even speaking, just violently squeaking through what was left of his nose.
“Haw-HAW!” Grunt laughed, doubling over, his horsey laugh almost blotting out the high-frequency panic squeaks from the turian.
“What in the WORLD is going on here?!” A matronly voice demanded as Dr. Chakwas came storming down the hall from the medical bay.
-
“You are all completely ridiculous! Absolutely and utterly ridiculous!” Dr. Chakwas scolded the assembled group as she strapped Garrus down on the surgery table. “Rupert! Sarah! You should have alerted security. Grunt! Shame on you for letting Garrus go in there! Garrus!” She said, shooting the pathetic looking turian a glare. “I don't care how much you're afraid of lasers, I'm putting you under the dermal regeneration unit.”
“Nuuuuuu!” Garrus gurgled.
“Haw.” Grunt snickered.
“Who the heck is afraid of lasers?” Sarah asked.
Dr. Chakwas shook her head. “Common turian fear. Now, get out of here and let security capture that thing. I have work to do.”
The three left the medical bay, watching the commotion down the hall as Jacob and Zaeed, masked and in full armor, joined a team of Normandy Cerberus agents with tarps and poles on a full scale assault of the bathroom.
Re: Velocity
anonymous
February 8 2013, 16:27:29 UTC
I was gonna quote my favorite parts but it almost went over the word limit, so I'll just say OMFG this is hilarious!!! Commander Jim "Murderface" Shepard made me laugh so hard I almost died. DIED, anon. I love you, and I love this fill.
Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardiner had seen a lot of crazy alien crap in his life. Working the eezo rigs, bushwalking on frontier colonies with his kids, and those cool shows about animal fights that they put on the Science vid channels to trick you into learning. However, the two foot tall feathered monstrosity in front of him was a first.
Had Rupert seen it on the vid screen, or even out in the bush, it would not have struck him as so odd. However, in the woman’s common bathroom of the Normandy SR-2... Rupert was really just not prepared to deal with it. He quietly set down his bucket of cleaning supplies, and stepped back out of the bathroom, letting the sliding door close it's self.
A glass of tea. Yes. A glass of tea, then a visit to Doctor Chackwas across the hall would set old Rupert right. He was heading right off to do that, when Crewman Sarah Patel approached from the dorms.
“Lovely space-day, Rupert, isn't it?” She said, heading for the bathroom.
Rupert threw himself in front of the door. “Wait!” He gasped. “Wait. Hold on.”
Sarah looked at him, puzzled. “Someone drop a stinker in there?”
“No, it's just... No.” Rupert chattered. “I think... Yes. Hello Sarah, I need a buddy check.” Rupert finally said, remembering his old spacer days. When men were men, women were men, and children were frequently hallucinations. Yes, back then, there were no FTL transition buffers or relativity shims. Sometimes, you'd see yourself in the mirror, and the image would wave. Space travel used to be weird like that.
“Having a mental hiccup?” Sarah said with a soft smile, “My dad used to get like that. Too many kisses of vaccum, he called it. Right. Hello Rupert Gardiner.” She said, initiating the 'buddy check conversation'.
“Hello, Sarah Patel.”
“You're on the Normady. We're headed to Nevos right now for some leave. We just left Illium. Oh, and we really were captured by Collectors, but that was a week ago.”
“No, I'm okay all that, strangely enough. Can you just, uh, check the bathroom?”
“Of course.” She said, sliding past him to key the door open. “Yeah, my daddy used to get scared of the basement. When I was little, he made a game out of it, having me 'hunt the varren'. One day I caught aOHMYAGH”
Reply
“How may I help you, Crewman Patel?” EDI's pleasant globe form asked, popping out from a nearby holographic projector.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about her...” Rupert muttered.
“What the HELL is in the bathroom?!” Sarah seethed.
EDI answered without hesitation, her unsurprised and unflappable AI nature only adding to the surreal nature of what she said. “A female Velociraptor mongoliensis.”
“What the hell is that?” Sarah demanded.
“Oh damn.” Rupert groaned. “That's a dinosaur. My kids used to have toys of 'em.”
“Wait, a literal dinosaur? An extinct earth reptile?”
“Dinosaurs are not classified as reptile, but in their own classification of 'dinosauria'.” EDI chimed.
“Oh thanks EDI.” Sarah snipped. “Why didn't you alert us about this?”
“I had.” EDI replied, the holographic globe tilting slightly to one side. “Sergeant Gardiner requested that all alerts regarding foreign life-forms in the wash rooms be routed to his comm, which is currently in the mess.”
“For stuff like viruses. I didn't need you telling Commander Shepard every time someone left scale-itch on the toilet seat.”
Sarah paled. “Oh god ew.”
“That's not the current problem. EDI, how did the dinosaur get there?” Rupert asked.
“Unknown” Edi chimed. She replaced her hologram with a pop-up surveillance video of the bathroom. “Records indicate it's appearance at 16:24 ship time in the women's bathroom.”
“This is nuts.” Rupert muttered.
“Sergeant Gardiner, this seems to be an isolated incident.” EDI chimed helpfully, clipping to live footage of the velociraptor. “No other unknown lifeforms are present on the ship.”
“Except viruses.” Sarah quipped.
Rupert rolled his eyes.“Oh come on I just disinfected.”
“The population of air-borne viruses currently within the ship are well below safe levels.” EDI chimed.
“And why do we have surveillance cameras in the bathrooms? That's creepy!”
“Now you're just being whiny. Look, dinosaur.” Rupert said, pointing to the video. “What are
we going to do about it?”
“We're not doing anything. Just get Shepard.” Sarah said.
“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Rupert countered.
MEANWHILE
The captain’s loft was slightly hazy with smoke, dimmed except for a bright desk-light over Shepard's workspace, and the ever-present glow of the tragically empty fishtank. Two figures huddled over the desk, both staring intently at their current project.
“Should you really be smoking while applying waterslide decals?” Tali asked.
Shepard sat up for a moment to cough, not wanting to disrupt the delicate progress he'd made on his 1:72 scale Hanar Atmosphere Skimmer. His eyes were unnaturally red from weeks of rage and aggression, the usual fire in them was slightly dimmed. “I just have to... chill out while doing this, you know?” He said, setting down his hand-rolled cigarette of dubious filling. “I don’t want to AAAGH FUCK I GOT ASH ON THE DECAL.”
“Commander Shepard.” EDI chimed in.
“Holy fuck EDI do you have ANY IDEA what time it is?!”
Reply
“Okay, so no Shepard. Uhh...” Sarah mused
Rupert snapped his fingers in a sudden flash of inspiration. “Oh! I know! Grunt.”
“Grunt? I was actually kind of thinking Garrus.” Sarah countered.
“Garrus AND Grunt.” Rupert said with a nod.
-
“OhmispirsITSSOCUTE!” Garrus giggled, pointing at the video screen with a talon.
“AhmicestersAHKNEEWWW!” Grunt squealed in the most unsettling way.
Sarah and Rupert stood back from the two aliens acting completely out of character, crestfallen.
“Well, that was a dumb idea.” Rupert said, crossing his arms.
The turian turned, his mandibles flickering excitedly. “No way, are you kidding? It's like a baby! A baby... Cute fierce thing that you just want to hug. Forever. Oh man I want one.”
“Like a bear.” Grunt said.
“Bears? They think bears are cute?” Garrus asked. “Those are the huge furry tree eating things, right?”
Sarah sighed. “Bears don't eat trees. But yes, baby bears are cute.”
“They can also be dangerous.” Rupert added.
“Dangerous?” Garrus laughed. “It doesn’t even come up to my knees. Looks about as fierce as a toddler. I'll catch it.” Garrus said, opening up the women's bathroom.
Grunt hung back while Garrus strode in, baby-talking to the small dinosaur. “Hello sweetheart! You're so cute! Yes you are. Come to Uncle Garry.”
“Since when are baby bears dangerous?” Sarah asked.
Grunt smiled. “They arn't.”
Rupert squinted at Grunt. “So why are you grinning?”
“'Cuz velociraptors are.”
In the bathroom, Garrus continued his patter of baby-talk. “Yes! Hello! You are just the cutest.” The velociraptor cocked it's head, chirping at the Turian. “Come on now sweetheart. I'm gonna call you Doris. We're going to just be best friends you and me.” The velociraptor chirped again, then squawked.
Warning ignored, or simply ignorant of it, Garrus continued to approach. He was rewarded with a sight not seen since before the Protheans, the flicker of movement that propelled the velociraptor seemingly instantly from the bathroom floor to the turian's midsection, clinging to the rents and scars in the armor with uncanny ability, clamoring to the turian's face.
Garrus hardly had time to scream, throwing the velociraptor off his head, and stumbling back out of the bathroom, great blue bloody tears down one side of his face. At that point, Garrus wasn't even speaking, just violently squeaking through what was left of his nose.
“Haw-HAW!” Grunt laughed, doubling over, his horsey laugh almost blotting out the high-frequency panic squeaks from the turian.
“What in the WORLD is going on here?!” A matronly voice demanded as Dr. Chakwas came storming down the hall from the medical bay.
-
“You are all completely ridiculous! Absolutely and utterly ridiculous!” Dr. Chakwas scolded the assembled group as she strapped Garrus down on the surgery table. “Rupert! Sarah! You should have alerted security. Grunt! Shame on you for letting Garrus go in there! Garrus!” She said, shooting the pathetic looking turian a glare. “I don't care how much you're afraid of lasers, I'm putting you under the dermal regeneration unit.”
“Nuuuuuu!” Garrus gurgled.
“Haw.” Grunt snickered.
“Who the heck is afraid of lasers?” Sarah asked.
Dr. Chakwas shook her head. “Common turian fear. Now, get out of here and let security capture that thing. I have work to do.”
The three left the medical bay, watching the commotion down the hall as Jacob and Zaeed, masked and in full armor, joined a team of Normandy Cerberus agents with tarps and poles on a full scale assault of the bathroom.
“Well... Coffee anyone?” Rupert asked.
“I want marshmallows!” Grunt demanded.
Rupert rolled his eyes. “Sure, Grunt.”
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