Irresponsibilities (7/?)
anonymous
June 10 2011, 23:05:39 UTC
“There’s a possibility I’m wrong,” he said quietly at Mouse’s shoulder. The other man jerked like he’d been electrocuted, spun around and very nearly yelled something. Kolyat stabilized him with a hand on his shoulder, and shut him up with a winding strike to the gut. Mouse wheezed, crumpled a little. Kolyat scanned the other parents milling around the school, waiting for their children to be dismissed - none of them were paying attention, they were too far away to be heard. Good. He looked back at Mouse, who was trying to straighten up, and cut to the chase. “You’re following me.”
“I’m just standing here-“
“No, not you. Not the likes of you. You’re defensive as well. So I was right: you’re following me. You’ve been put up to it, because you don’t have a reason to follow me on your own. I want to know who.”
Mouse tried to scavenge up some backbone. He straightened up a bit, levelled a glare at Kolyat. Still didn’t do anything about the drell’s hand on his shoulder. Idiot. “Why would I tell you a thing?”
“If it was someone dangerous commissioning you, you’d have hinted at that. Refused outright. So it’s either Bailey or Thane. Either way, I don’t want you reporting back. So this means we have a problem, Mouse.”
Denial came next. “I didn’t see anything! I’m not-!”
“Don’t play me for an idiot, and keep your voice down.” He moved back, hoping to disguise his eyes darting towards the school again with the motion. No sign of Vasaed yet, but some of the children were starting to meander out of the building. He had to make this quick. “Whoever you’re reporting to, you’re going to lie a little to them. You followed me from C-Sec to the Wards. You saw me go home. I was still inside when you gave up. I’ll know if you tell anyone otherwise.”
Defiance. “How? How will you-?”
“Because if you do, Thane will come here again unless I’m lucky. And I’m never lucky.” His hand tightened on Mouse’s shoulder. His eyes narrowed. He let the human feel his desperation and determination, knowing that he was too thick to catch the desperation. “I’m not an assassin. I’m a thug at best. I was willing to kill for nothing when I came here, when I first met you. I’ve got a reason to kill now, I don’t want anyone’s interference again, and I don’t. Like you.”
Mouse was frozen and thankfully mute. Kolyat took the opportunity to shove him back, into a wall, and straightened himself out. Vasaed still wasn’t close by, but he didn’t need to see anything like this.
Kolyat nodded towards his right, indicating the path he had come down: the way Mouse had likely followed him. “You followed me from C-Sec to the Wards. I went home. You gave up waiting.”
Irresponsibilities (8/?)
anonymous
June 10 2011, 23:08:03 UTC
Kolyat looked at the other parents - they still didn’t notice anything - then made as though he was following Mouse as the duct rat ran off. Just in case, making sure he didn’t double-back. When he was certain the human was gone, he turned back around and made his way to the school again. Vasaed was waiting by the doors, sitting on a bench. He slid off as soon as he saw his father, took Kolyat’s index finger in his stubby little hand and started to follow the familiar path home. He’d fallen into the habit of late where he’d immediately launch into what he’d learned: he didn’t wait to be asked anymore. This time they made it well away from the school and into the elevator down to the Wards before he spoke up. Kolyat, so absorbed in his thoughts, hadn’t even noticed. “You’re sad,” Vasaed noted.
“No, just-“ He stopped himself. His mother had never admitted it when she worried and that was the example he was trying to follow. He did his best to clear the tension from his face as he looked down at the kid. Thought up a decent lie. “Work isn’t always fun. You should be glad you don’t have to go yet.”
“School’s like work.”
Kolyat couldn’t help smiling just a little. “You don’t know that yet. You haven’t tried both.”
“…I bet they’re the same.”
“Tell you what. In fifteen years or so when you get a job we’ll have this talk again. If you’re right, I’ll buy you that Milk Sheik toy.”
-
When Vasaed started experiencing vivid memory recall, he was disturbed by himself. Kolyat had to explain what it is, what it means, why drell do it. He tried his best, and he hoped it was a good enough explanation. He wouldn’t know until it was too late to do anything. Vasaed processed things like that slowly, and indicated when something was wrong with even less speed. He came to breakfast one morning with an eye infection that overwhelmed his entire right eye - it was so puffy he couldn’t even open it. He had to miss school and go to the med clinic. The doctor levelled a very accusatory stare at Kolyat when she remarked that the infection should have been treated sooner. She didn’t believe that Vasaed hadn’t complained about it before. She took his son aside to ask him privately, but even that didn’t convince her.
He hadn’t seen Kolyat going into any sort of trance, so Vasaed had assumed there was something wrong with himself. He didn’t remember his mother doing it either and inadvertently revealed why in one of his earlier lapses - a pat on the head, distant eyes staring through him, a grimace that was used to be a smile: “be good”. Then the click of a door. Solitude. Absolute silence for hours. Kolyat had stared for so long, feeling so horrified that Vasaed had retreated to his room to avoid scrutiny - it was the first time he’d responded to any sort of uncomfortable situation.
With that revelation, Kolyat had resolved to let his son see that he wasn’t alone. He left the lids off of things that filled the apartment with a familiar smell - things that reminded him of growing up. He bought a warm lamp, stood it behind the couch and kept it running constantly - they both came to favour that spot, and started getting into tickle-fights over the rights to it. Compromise was usually won with Vasaed sitting on his knee - there they would watch a vid together. The first time they sat under it Kolyat told him all about reading in the sun, and Vasaed had dragged the data pad off of the table - scratching it - so that he could read ‘Run Pyjak, Run’ again. He wondered if the kid just wanted to emulate the story, if he wanted that sort of memory for himself, or if he was trying to make Kolyat feel happier. He wasn’t that empathic, was he? No, he couldn’t have caught on.
Irresponsibilities (9/?)
anonymous
June 10 2011, 23:08:58 UTC
Then Vasaed started getting interested in music. Kolyat didn’t even think about it until he found himself coming out of another trance. And there was Vasaed, right there. Curious as ever.
“What’s crazy dance?”
He tried to hide his flinching. If Vasaed saw, he didn’t react. It was rare for him to react to anything - he was as impassive as a hanar. Those big curious eyes were fixed on him and waited patiently for an answer, so Kolyat cobbled one together awkwardly. “It’s something my father and I would do when I was your age. He’d pick me up and spin me around until I couldn’t walk straight.”
Vasaed nodded as he considered this. “Did you ever throw up?”
Kolyat actually grinned. “Once. Right on his shoe.”
Vasaed smiled back at him. He did a lot more of that these days. He was comfortable, relaxed in his new home. He was used to having a parent there with him when he came home from school. He liked it, liked the change. He liked his father, and even if he felt like he got nothing else right Kolyat was glad for that. He was beyond glad, really: moved in a way he hadn’t expected. He was proud, but not in a selfish way. It made him feel worthy. “I didn’t know you had a dad.”
“Everyone has one. Even asari call their second parent their dad.”
“Your dad must be really old.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re old.”
Kolyat tweaked his son’s nose. “Everyone’s old when you’re just a baby.”
-
The school started asking him about cultural concessions. How were they supposed to accommodate a drell child? They didn’t know. There weren’t enough resources on drell culture that they could take an educated guess. Kolyat didn’t know what to tell them. What concessions did they think were necessary? Why were they asking? After a meeting, it emerged that Vasaed was having trouble fitting in. The other children didn’t know how to talk to him, and he didn’t provide them much to work with. When Kolyat told them that this wasn’t a ‘drell thing’, they recommended a shrink - one who specialised in emotional development in young children.
He didn’t know whether to yell at them or…or what. Was something wrong and it’d just gone right over his head? Vasaed didn’t talk quickly, he didn’t run at the mouth like most children did, but that didn’t mean anything was wrong with him. It was a quirk. That’d be a mental problem if it was a problem at all, and the teachers assured him that his son was doing better than ‘alright’ where it came to school work - his interactions with his peers was the concern. But Kolyat couldn’t think what would be holding him back from making friends. Yeah, sure, the kid was a bit serious - turians raised their children severely in some more traditionalist families, so serious children weren’t news to a Citadel school. Was it the memory recall thing? The school would have specified that Vasaed was abruptly breaking into disturbing memory monologues if that was it. Kolyat couldn’t pull together an answer out of his own head, and he wasn’t about to just throw his kid to a shrink - that sat alongside ‘giving up’ in his mind. No, he was going to see, going to try to figure out if there was something he’d missed.
Vasaed was observant. That was a ‘drell thing’ - he wished he could’ve said that to all those nosy, assumptive teachers. But they were way out of the picture when Vasaed asked about the meeting. “Am I in trouble?”
Irresponsibilities (10/?)
anonymous
June 10 2011, 23:10:14 UTC
“What? No! …What? Why would you-?” Kolyat cringed at himself. Nicely done. “Why do you think you’re in trouble?”
“My teachers wanted to talk to you. They call the parents of a student when something’s wrong.”
“Oh.” He ought to lie. Friends were a big deal to kids, or they should be. Well, maybe not that. They usually were a big deal, at least. If Vasaed was in the least bit feeling alone at school, there was no way to say ‘so I hear you’re unpopular’ without putting up walls between them. It’d nearly been a year and Kolyat still didn’t feel like he could do anything but walk on glass around the kid. He used to think that he’d be less worried when Vasaed was settled in, but now there was even more that he could screw up for his son. It ate at him like a flesh-consuming virus. “Look…” he began uneasily. “They’re worried about you. It’s nothing you’ve done wrong, and it’s up to you one way or another if you want to or not, but these teachers…they think that you should be making friends with the other students.”
Vasaed - sitting on the couch under the warm lamp - tilted his head to the side and evaluated the admission. Kolyat didn’t feel awkwardness in those silences anymore: nowadays he took those moments as a blessed reprieve from the Million Question Game and used them to get other things done. In this case, he started scavenging up something for them to eat. “What would I talk to the other kids about? The teachers don’t let me share answers.”
“I…wait a minute. Do the other kids ask for your help?”
“Yeah.”
A good parent would tell him to stop doing that. Kolyat knew that. But the ethics of test-taking weren’t as important to him as making sure Vasaed didn’t grow up feeling weird about himself. “Actually, if you’re careful and make sure none of the teachers see or hear you, go ahead and help them out. Just remember that you’re not supposed to be doing it.”
“Then why do it?”
“Well, it’s…” Kolyat cringed at himself and tried to think of how to explain where he’d been going with that idea. How was he supposed to explain doing what was right versus doing what was liked by others, without setting himself up for future parent-teacher meetings about things he couldn’t even think of? “Alright, remember that episode of the Animated Milk Sheik Series where Milk Sheik sneaks the secret formula to the good guys from Baron Lactose’s base?”
“‘Sheiked Not Stirred’. I liked that one.”
“Yeah, well it’s kind of like that. He didn’t have to, the good guys would’ve probably figured it out on their own eventually - they’re smart good guys, right?”
“Right.”
“But he did it anyway because they were stuck. And they were all happy that he did it, weren’t they?”
“Yeah.” Vasaed thought about the idea for a while. “It’s not exactly like that, is it?”
“Not really. But the other kids will probably appreciate it if you help them.”
“They did. One of the turians tried to give me her lunch to thank me.”
Kolyat froze up.
“But I couldn’t eat it.”
“And thank Arashu that you knew that…” he muttered quietly, briefly resting his forehead against a cupboard.
Vasaed was silent for a moment. Kolyat let him be and fished around on a shelf for the plates, privately wondering what his son hadn’t been taught about the other species’ yet. There had to be gaps in information still, Vasaed was only young and-. “I don’t know what to talk to the other kids about.”
Irresponsibilities (11/?)
anonymous
June 10 2011, 23:12:15 UTC
“Huh?” Oh. Yes. The current topic of conversation. “Ah. Well…what do they talk about?”
“All kinds of things. What they’re going to be when they grow up. The vids they like. Their parents. Where they’re going on school vacation.” Vasaed paused again. “I can’t always talk about that stuff.”
“You can always start new conversations. You do it with me all the time.”
“I ask you questions.”
“Hah. Yeah, and see? That works.” Kolyat spared a grin and braced his hands on the counter, pausing for a moment to give Vasaed all his attention. “My boss told me once that the most interesting person he ever talked to never said a word about himself. He just asked all the questions and let other people do the rest.”
Vasaed stared at him for a long moment, then smiled just a little. “That sounds easy.”
“It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
He’d hold off on booking that shrink.
-
“Krios. About time you showed up.”
“I was tracking those six Eclipse men you wanted me to keep an eye on. They don’t move at my convenience.”
“No smart-mouthing from you. I’m not in the mood.”
It wasn’t rare for Kolyat to see the inside of Bailey’s office. He wasn’t officially a part of the place, not in the capacity he was being utilized anyway: every meeting had to be conducted quietly, even if it was in plain sight. The Commander would usher him in, seal the door and do a cursory sweep of the place for bugs. Then they’d get right to business - people that needed to be tailed, evidence that needed to be scouted before it could be seized, and so on: basically, Kolyat was there to do anything that C-Sec couldn’t do themselves without jumping through bureaucratic hoops and long waiting periods. Bailey managed to word it creatively enough that it was called ‘community service’ in the courts, but at the same time slipped it into C-Sec’s payroll as a ‘rookie’ position. It was a favour the man didn’t owe him. Kolyat had been doing his best to repay him for that, though knew he was falling short of expectations now.
‘Now’, Bailey was irritably tapping his omni-tool and processing for bugs. In the interim he glared at the drell. Kolyat tried not to show the dread that was settling in his gut. There was a chance, a slim chance that Bailey was just going to lay into him about his various ‘breaks’. Demand another explanation. Threaten him a little more with prison. That was-
“I thought when you started peeling off that you were getting into bad habits.” The Commander crossed his arms and levelled a stare at him with almost tangible disappointment there. “You dodged work and I couldn’t figure out why. Or for what. All I knew was that it couldn’t be good news, not after the effort you put into scaring off Mouse.”
Kolyat felt his jaw set tightly. So much for slim chances. “…I’d hoped that wasn’t you who put him up to it.”
“Don’t you get self-righteous on me.” Bailey sat down heavily behind his desk, making the chair squeal. “I wouldn’t have. I hated doing it. You’ve been keeping a damn big secret. When I clued into that, I needed to make sure it wasn’t the kind of secret that’d bite me in the ass.”
Irresponsibilities (12/14)
anonymous
June 10 2011, 23:13:11 UTC
There was no point in pretences. Kolyat tried to relax, but couldn’t. He tried to reason with himself that he wasn’t in the wrong, but Bailey’s disappointment was still there. He tried to tell himself he didn’t care, but that didn’t take at all. “It’s nothing to do with you. Personal information wasn’t a part of this set-up.”
“Uh huh. Who else have you been keeping out of this ‘personal’ thing?”
Kolyat’s lip curled back. “I’m not leaving it up to anyone to decide when they get to drop into Vasaed’s life. If they’re not around now, they won’t be later.”
“For Chrissakes-”
“How do you even know? Mouse?”
“Mouse clams up whenever I say your name. It was…look. Doctors need to make a report whenever a kid looks like they’re in bad shape. Any sort of bad shape. A drell kid popped up with your people’s equivalent of pinkeye or whatever. Your name and relation to the kid was on the admittance sheet.” Bailey shook his head and waved out a hand, gesturing for Kolyat to take the seat opposite him. “It won’t look good if you keep dodging your ‘community service’. The courts will get involved again, the prosecution will see this on top of what you’ve been charged with. It’ll get easier for them to sink you. Then what happens?”
Kolyat stayed standing, now sort of compressing into himself. Tensing. He didn’t need to know ‘then what’. It was pretty easy to guess. Continued noncompliance, when the charge he was avoiding had been knocked down to unlawful imprisonment, would get him a short sentence. Six months had felt like nothing when he’d been weighing up his options at the beginning of all this, before Bailey had worked out how to make him useful to C-Sec. Now even a week was too long. “I’m only unavailable for a few hours every day. I get back to work once Vasaed’s asleep and when he’s in school. That’s most of the day. You can’t complain.”
“That’s how you pronounce the kid’s name, is it? I wondered.” Bailey finally softened up a bit, relaxing in his seat somewhat. “You’ll work yourself dead like that. What happened to the kid’s mother?”
“Suicide.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“She was depressed when I knew her. I think she’d been looking for something to care about. She underestimated what it meant to have a kid, I guess. It all built up.”
“…Did the kid see it?”
“No. She…they basically existed separately once he could walk and put food in his own mouth. She only made sure he prayed and got to school.”
“Not much of a mother.”
“I didn’t exactly have that in mind when I-“
Bailey held up his hands. “Fair enough. Jesus, son. I don’t want a memory trance worth of details.”
Kolyat finally took up that offered seat. All he was doing was enumerating his problems, but it felt good. Liberating. And now that he’d started, he couldn’t shut himself up. “That bitch of a doctor wouldn’t listen to me. Vasaed doesn’t complain about anything. He’s…his mother gave up early: that’s the example he started with. He’s still getting used to telling me when there’s a problem. He’s still trying to work out what problems are. If I’d known he was sick, if I could’ve seen it before his whole eye swelled shut overnight, I’d have taken him to the clinic that minute.”
Irresponsibilities (13/14)
anonymous
June 10 2011, 23:14:13 UTC
“Calm down, Krios. I know you, I know the kid’s not in any danger. It’s just procedure. Hell, it’s not even a charge or a real black mark. It’s not why I wanted to talk, either.” The Commander shook his head and scratched the back of his ear. A nervous habit, Kolyat had learned. “You know what I’m going to ask. Is it gonna piss you off less if I say it, or if you just guess it?”
“I’m not telling him.”
“He’ll find out.”
“Not the usual way. Not through that duct rat.”
“He’ll still find out.”
“Will you tell him? Or Shepard?”
“Not if you ask me not to.”
“Then don’t.”
“I’m just saying. He’ll know one day.” Bailey made a conceding shrug. “If he’s got that kind of time left, anyway. Wasn’t he doing poorly when you last saw him?”
Kolyat narrowed his eyes. “That’s not going to convince me, Commander. That’s even more reason not to tell him. I’m the first consistent thing in Vasaed’s life. I’m not throwing him a grandparent who’s just going to be a drop in the ocean by the time his next birthday comes around.”
“You don’t think your old man would still wanna know?”
“Don’t call him that. It’s not about what he wants. It’s not even about me.” He shook his head, closed his eyes and rubbed the side of his face. “I bet you think I don’t want him around because of me, because of what I want. Well, I don’t…but it goes further than that now. Do you know what I’d tell him if I wrote to him about Vasaed? The first thing I’d say? ‘Don’t visit’. Even if he stuck around, he’d be dead by the time my son got used to him. What then? Once again, there’s a broken-hearted little kid left behind. At least this one would still have a father.”
“What about what Vasaed wants?”
“Vasaed wants to sit on the couch under the warm lamp and have me read to him. He wants to go to school and tell all the other kids in his class the answers to the test when they struggle. He wants to understand what I do for a living. He wants a Blasto plush toy.” Kolyat closed his eyes and tried not to think too hard about what he was saying. It was just simple statements; he wasn’t even scratching the real surface yet, so why did it feel like it was breaking his heart? “Vasaed’s mother didn’t teach him anything about people or how to act around them. It took months for him to get the idea of what a good parent is supposed to be like, and what he can expect out of me while I’m trying to be one. He didn’t understand why I thought he might miss Kahje or anyone on it. There’s all these gaps in his head and he’s trying to figure them out. He’s only just starting to figure out what ‘friends’ are, Commander. I can’t fuck things up for him any more than I already do. I can’t tell Thane about him, because I’ll have to explain Thane to him. What’ll he think, that he’s supposed to grow up to hate his father? That fathers eventually just walk away from their families? That’s the impression he’d get. I can’t talk to Thane in front of him - I don’t trust myself not to bring all that up. I won’t confuse him like that and I don’t know how to make him understand in the first place.”
Bailey waited patiently until Kolyat opened his eyes again. The human still had something going on in his head, it was apparent in his expression, but he vocalised his point of view before Kolyat could dissolve into paranoid speculation. “The kid’s got some damage, then.”
Irresponsibilities (14/14)
anonymous
June 10 2011, 23:15:16 UTC
“His school recommended a psychiatrist-”
“Aw, Christ…”
“-But he’s already improving without that. We started talking about it more when I realised how far these ‘gaps’ went. I’m still going to book the woman anyway, I think. You know, just to see if she can’t help him some more.”
“Yeah, don’t get my opinion on that. I’ve automatically got something against anyone who thinks they know more about my head than I do.” Bailey waved a dismissive hand. “Maybe kid shrinks are different.”
“What sort are you familiar with?”
“Marriage councillors.”
Kolyat grimaced.
“Hah! Yeah, it was a bit like that,” the Commander said with a grin. He let the grin diminish just as quickly as it came on, drummed his fingers against his desktop a few times, then shook his head and stood up. “I’ll drop this whole thing in a second. There’s just one last thing I want you to think about.”
“What’s that?”
“His mother’s dead. You can’t name a relative in your family that you like or trust. What’s going to happen to your boy if something happens to you?”
Kolyat opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He felt his eyes glaze over as he asked himself that question in his head, over and over: what would happen? The answer swirled around for a long time before it made its way out of his mouth in a hushed voice. “…I don’t know.”
“Yeah. So I figure you’ve got another problem. You could send him to his mother’s family, if she had one, but since you got him in this state I bet you don’t trust them either. I hear the hanar have a program for orphaned drell, but a lot of ‘em end up like your old man. I know you wouldn’t want that. The only other option’s the Citadel social services, but that’s no good for a boy that needs stability and a real guiding hand. He’ll come out more damaged than you got him.” The Commander paused. “Kid, you might not want to tell Thane, but he could be the only person who can help you with this.”
Every word, every syllable made him want to get up and leave. Made him want to punch the Commander right in the mouth, and screw the consequences. It made him want to run. “Why are you pushing this?”
“I shouldn’t be. It’s not my business, but I figure…you’re here, and you’re talking. I’ll bet I’m the first person you’ve talked to about this.” Bailey didn’t wait for an affirmation: he just plowed right on in true Commander Bailey form. “This is most of what being a parent’s about, Krios. You’re going to have to do things that chip at your pride, and you’ll hate it but you’ll do them anyway. You do them and you hope it’s best for your kid.”
“How will you know if you’ve done things right? I can’t tell if I’m-”
“Hell, I’m still waiting to figure that one out myself.”
Re: Irresponsibilities (14/14)
anonymous
June 11 2011, 00:04:03 UTC
Passerby!anon here.
That was a real pleasure to read, anon. Kolyat was just the right amount of confused and eager to help his kid at the same time. I loved their interactions and I loved the character development.
I wonder whether you'd be willing to write a sequel to it where Thane does find out he's got a grandson. I really hope you would.
I read this all in one sitting and about died of the deliciousness and the sweetness and the heartbreak and... and... everything. So, so glad you'll be writing sequel.
I'd be content with just seeing how Kolyat handles introducing Thane (or the idea of Thane) to Vasaed. Would Vasaed get to visit the Normandy? Would he want to? Would Kolyat want him to?
Floodgates (1/?)
anonymous
June 13 2011, 20:44:58 UTC
Inter-Relay Text Chatlog. Private Connection.
0100 [LOGIN] Thane
0114 [LOGIN] Kolyat
T: I admit that I’m surprised you agreed to this.
K: I’m surprised I’m awake.
T: If you would prefer another time, we can-
K: I’m up. I’m here. Don’t count on a repeat performance, especially if-
T: …If what?
K: Forget it. Why did you want to talk?
T: For the same reasons that I found you on the Citadel. I may not always have a purpose in mind, I simply want to bridge the gaps created between us.
K: I get it. Regrets, dying and so on. I’d probably care if I’d seen you more than twice in the past ten, maybe even eleven years.
K: It’s hard to get worked up about the death of someone you don’t know.
T: You have every right to despise me.
K: Despise?
T: That is not the word you would choose.
K: That implies something detached and disgusted, and more calm than I feel.
T: Then what do you feel?
T: Kolyat?
K: Alright, you know what? If there’s no point to this then I have to go. Try again when you’ve got something to actually talk about.
T: Kolyat. Please. Talk with me.
K: About what? Did you catch that article about match-fixing in the Citadel Newsnet sports section? The refs union is going under investigation. Pretty crazy, isn’t it?
T: I meant about you. Tell me about yourself.
K: Why would I do that? I don’t even KNOW you. You probably already researched me anyway.
T: I only know where you’ve been and what you’ve done, not how you think or what you believe. What you plan and dream. I’d like to know.
K: So the only things left that you don’t know about me is the shit you SHOULD know if you were any sort of a real father. You wouldn’t even ask if you weren’t dying. What, do you feel like you OWE me this? What do you even expect out of me?
T: I don’t know.
K: Yeah? Well go figure that out.
T: Please don’t disconnect.
T: Kolyat?
K: You don’t even have anything to say. That’s fine, I’ve got one last thing. I’ll tell you something you didn’t know about me or Mom. Want to hear it?
T: What is it?
K: One of the earliest things I can remember is when I was six and you were gone. Mom was reading something and I was doing my schoolwork - she was sitting in the armchair by the window in the living room and I was on the floor at her feet. There was a holo of the three of us on the coffee table and I kept looking at it. I couldn’t concentrate. You’d been gone for months and you’d left after an argument with her. You both thought I’d been asleep when it’d happened, but I heard it. I didn’t hear it well, but she kept bringing up my name - you didn’t say it, just Mom. I couldn’t focus on my schoolwork, so I looked up at her and I asked her why you left.
T: She told you that I was away on business.
K: She always told everyone that. I’m not surprised you knew that part. Do you know the rest?
T: No. Please, continue.
K: I knew she wouldn’t tell you about this. She was all about protecting you, even from me and my questions. She wasn’t honest with me. I even knew it when I was little. So I asked her how much longer you’d be gone. She said she didn’t know. I asked her why you were REALLY gone. She put down whatever she’d been reading and really looked at me. Kind of scared. She must’ve been worried that I’d found out, that I’d gotten into your data pad or something, but I hadn’t even guessed it back then. I didn’t know until last year. She still tried to lie for you. She told me that you were really only gone for business. I didn’t believe her. I snapped. I stood up, picked up the holo on the coffee table and threw it at a wall. I yelled at her - “don’t lie to me!” I started crying. “He’s always gone. He’s never here. He hates me.”
Floodgates (2/?)
anonymous
June 13 2011, 20:46:21 UTC
K: She scooped me up and hugged me. We sat in a crumpled heap on the floor. Tears started streaking down her face and dropped on the top of my head. She kept saying over and over “he doesn’t hate you, he loves you” but I kept denying it. I thrashed and screamed until I wore myself out, then I fell to sleep hiccupping and crying. It wasn’t a good sleep. I woke up just a few hours later in my bed. I went looking for Mom and found her in the living room again. Sitting in that chair. Shaking and crying, even then. She had the holo in her hands. She was picking apart the broken frame - I’d shattered it.
K: I came up, took the holo and put it back on the table, crawled into her lap and hugged her. I apologised for making her sad. She didn’t say anything, she just kissed the top of my head and tried to calm herself down. When I woke up in the morning, we were both still sitting in the chair. After that, whenever you left I wouldn’t ask her anything about you. I did my schoolwork next to her chair every night that you were gone. We didn’t pretend it never happened, we just never said anything about it.
K: Still there?
T: She never told me.
K: I know. When you came back, she told you to spend more time with me - that’s the only thing she ever said that I heard about it, that convinced me it wasn’t just a vivid dream.
K: She was always protecting you from someone. Nosy neighbours. Relatives. Me. Herself.
K: I have to go. Work in the morning.
0312 [LOGOUT] Kolyat
0355 [IDLE] Thane
0414 [TIMEOUT ERROR] Thane
x
“Is it okay if I call you ‘dad’ now?”
Vasaed never ran out of questions: there was always something new in his immediate surroundings to ask about, especially on the walk home to the Wards from his school in the Presidium. He’d spent two hours playing the ‘why’ game when one of his school’s teachers took maternity leave. Kolyat just thanked the gods that he stopped asking ‘why’ before they got to the where-babies-come-from part. Still, his son never ceased to figuratively knock him flat when he opened his little mouth and quietly, levelly asked a question. “That…well. Do you want to?”
“Yes. One of my friends asked me why I don’t call you ‘dad’.”
“What did you say?”
“I don’t know.”
Kolyat frowned. “You don’t remember?” That was not a good sign. Possible genius intellect and a lack of social development were their own challenges. There was therapy for the social thing and the school was willing to give Vasaed harder work to test him, but memory loss for a drell was-
“No, that’s what I said. ‘I don’t know’. I want to call you ‘dad’.” Vasaed paused for a moment, adjusted his tiny full-hand grip on Kolyat’s index finger. “Is that okay?”
It was pretty rare for him to be found without something to say - almost everyone in C-Sec had something to say about his quick-shooting smart-mouth - but whenever it happened, it was always Vasaed who prompted it. Kolyat stared down at the pale green little boy, his son, and just wondered for a moment. Where did that swell of pride come from? The kid was acting like it was no big thing, and here he was - the adult, the father, the responsible one in this situation - feeling nauseous and overwhelmed and proud. “Yeah. Yes, that’s fine.” He grinned and squeezed Vasaed’s little fingers gently. “So what about this friend of yours…you didn’t tell me that you’d started making friends.”
“I told you about her. She’s the one who gave me her lunch.”
“Ohh, the turian. She’s not still sharing food, right?”
“No, she knows now. I explained it to her.”
“Hah. Good boy.”
x
Inter-Relay Text Chatlog. Private Connection.
1850 [LOGIN] Thane
1874 [IDLE] Thane
1876 [RETURNED] Thane
1890 [IDLE] Thane
1897 [RETURNED] Thane
1921 [IDLE] Thane
1929 [LOGIN] Kolyat
K: Late. Obviously. Sorry. I had a call-out. At least after that I’ve only got about sixteen hours left on this community service thing before Bailey hires me on properly.
“I’m just standing here-“
“No, not you. Not the likes of you. You’re defensive as well. So I was right: you’re following me. You’ve been put up to it, because you don’t have a reason to follow me on your own. I want to know who.”
Mouse tried to scavenge up some backbone. He straightened up a bit, levelled a glare at Kolyat. Still didn’t do anything about the drell’s hand on his shoulder. Idiot. “Why would I tell you a thing?”
“If it was someone dangerous commissioning you, you’d have hinted at that. Refused outright. So it’s either Bailey or Thane. Either way, I don’t want you reporting back. So this means we have a problem, Mouse.”
Denial came next. “I didn’t see anything! I’m not-!”
“Don’t play me for an idiot, and keep your voice down.” He moved back, hoping to disguise his eyes darting towards the school again with the motion. No sign of Vasaed yet, but some of the children were starting to meander out of the building. He had to make this quick. “Whoever you’re reporting to, you’re going to lie a little to them. You followed me from C-Sec to the Wards. You saw me go home. I was still inside when you gave up. I’ll know if you tell anyone otherwise.”
Defiance. “How? How will you-?”
“Because if you do, Thane will come here again unless I’m lucky. And I’m never lucky.” His hand tightened on Mouse’s shoulder. His eyes narrowed. He let the human feel his desperation and determination, knowing that he was too thick to catch the desperation. “I’m not an assassin. I’m a thug at best. I was willing to kill for nothing when I came here, when I first met you. I’ve got a reason to kill now, I don’t want anyone’s interference again, and I don’t. Like you.”
Mouse was frozen and thankfully mute. Kolyat took the opportunity to shove him back, into a wall, and straightened himself out. Vasaed still wasn’t close by, but he didn’t need to see anything like this.
Kolyat nodded towards his right, indicating the path he had come down: the way Mouse had likely followed him. “You followed me from C-Sec to the Wards. I went home. You gave up waiting.”
The human nodded, and ran.
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“No, just-“ He stopped himself. His mother had never admitted it when she worried and that was the example he was trying to follow. He did his best to clear the tension from his face as he looked down at the kid. Thought up a decent lie. “Work isn’t always fun. You should be glad you don’t have to go yet.”
“School’s like work.”
Kolyat couldn’t help smiling just a little. “You don’t know that yet. You haven’t tried both.”
“…I bet they’re the same.”
“Tell you what. In fifteen years or so when you get a job we’ll have this talk again. If you’re right, I’ll buy you that Milk Sheik toy.”
-
When Vasaed started experiencing vivid memory recall, he was disturbed by himself. Kolyat had to explain what it is, what it means, why drell do it. He tried his best, and he hoped it was a good enough explanation. He wouldn’t know until it was too late to do anything. Vasaed processed things like that slowly, and indicated when something was wrong with even less speed. He came to breakfast one morning with an eye infection that overwhelmed his entire right eye - it was so puffy he couldn’t even open it. He had to miss school and go to the med clinic. The doctor levelled a very accusatory stare at Kolyat when she remarked that the infection should have been treated sooner. She didn’t believe that Vasaed hadn’t complained about it before. She took his son aside to ask him privately, but even that didn’t convince her.
He hadn’t seen Kolyat going into any sort of trance, so Vasaed had assumed there was something wrong with himself. He didn’t remember his mother doing it either and inadvertently revealed why in one of his earlier lapses - a pat on the head, distant eyes staring through him, a grimace that was used to be a smile: “be good”. Then the click of a door. Solitude. Absolute silence for hours. Kolyat had stared for so long, feeling so horrified that Vasaed had retreated to his room to avoid scrutiny - it was the first time he’d responded to any sort of uncomfortable situation.
With that revelation, Kolyat had resolved to let his son see that he wasn’t alone. He left the lids off of things that filled the apartment with a familiar smell - things that reminded him of growing up. He bought a warm lamp, stood it behind the couch and kept it running constantly - they both came to favour that spot, and started getting into tickle-fights over the rights to it. Compromise was usually won with Vasaed sitting on his knee - there they would watch a vid together. The first time they sat under it Kolyat told him all about reading in the sun, and Vasaed had dragged the data pad off of the table - scratching it - so that he could read ‘Run Pyjak, Run’ again. He wondered if the kid just wanted to emulate the story, if he wanted that sort of memory for himself, or if he was trying to make Kolyat feel happier. He wasn’t that empathic, was he? No, he couldn’t have caught on.
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“What’s crazy dance?”
He tried to hide his flinching. If Vasaed saw, he didn’t react. It was rare for him to react to anything - he was as impassive as a hanar. Those big curious eyes were fixed on him and waited patiently for an answer, so Kolyat cobbled one together awkwardly. “It’s something my father and I would do when I was your age. He’d pick me up and spin me around until I couldn’t walk straight.”
Vasaed nodded as he considered this. “Did you ever throw up?”
Kolyat actually grinned. “Once. Right on his shoe.”
Vasaed smiled back at him. He did a lot more of that these days. He was comfortable, relaxed in his new home. He was used to having a parent there with him when he came home from school. He liked it, liked the change. He liked his father, and even if he felt like he got nothing else right Kolyat was glad for that. He was beyond glad, really: moved in a way he hadn’t expected. He was proud, but not in a selfish way. It made him feel worthy. “I didn’t know you had a dad.”
“Everyone has one. Even asari call their second parent their dad.”
“Your dad must be really old.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re old.”
Kolyat tweaked his son’s nose. “Everyone’s old when you’re just a baby.”
-
The school started asking him about cultural concessions. How were they supposed to accommodate a drell child? They didn’t know. There weren’t enough resources on drell culture that they could take an educated guess. Kolyat didn’t know what to tell them. What concessions did they think were necessary? Why were they asking? After a meeting, it emerged that Vasaed was having trouble fitting in. The other children didn’t know how to talk to him, and he didn’t provide them much to work with. When Kolyat told them that this wasn’t a ‘drell thing’, they recommended a shrink - one who specialised in emotional development in young children.
He didn’t know whether to yell at them or…or what. Was something wrong and it’d just gone right over his head? Vasaed didn’t talk quickly, he didn’t run at the mouth like most children did, but that didn’t mean anything was wrong with him. It was a quirk. That’d be a mental problem if it was a problem at all, and the teachers assured him that his son was doing better than ‘alright’ where it came to school work - his interactions with his peers was the concern. But Kolyat couldn’t think what would be holding him back from making friends. Yeah, sure, the kid was a bit serious - turians raised their children severely in some more traditionalist families, so serious children weren’t news to a Citadel school. Was it the memory recall thing? The school would have specified that Vasaed was abruptly breaking into disturbing memory monologues if that was it. Kolyat couldn’t pull together an answer out of his own head, and he wasn’t about to just throw his kid to a shrink - that sat alongside ‘giving up’ in his mind. No, he was going to see, going to try to figure out if there was something he’d missed.
Vasaed was observant. That was a ‘drell thing’ - he wished he could’ve said that to all those nosy, assumptive teachers. But they were way out of the picture when Vasaed asked about the meeting. “Am I in trouble?”
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“My teachers wanted to talk to you. They call the parents of a student when something’s wrong.”
“Oh.” He ought to lie. Friends were a big deal to kids, or they should be. Well, maybe not that. They usually were a big deal, at least. If Vasaed was in the least bit feeling alone at school, there was no way to say ‘so I hear you’re unpopular’ without putting up walls between them. It’d nearly been a year and Kolyat still didn’t feel like he could do anything but walk on glass around the kid. He used to think that he’d be less worried when Vasaed was settled in, but now there was even more that he could screw up for his son. It ate at him like a flesh-consuming virus. “Look…” he began uneasily. “They’re worried about you. It’s nothing you’ve done wrong, and it’s up to you one way or another if you want to or not, but these teachers…they think that you should be making friends with the other students.”
Vasaed - sitting on the couch under the warm lamp - tilted his head to the side and evaluated the admission. Kolyat didn’t feel awkwardness in those silences anymore: nowadays he took those moments as a blessed reprieve from the Million Question Game and used them to get other things done. In this case, he started scavenging up something for them to eat. “What would I talk to the other kids about? The teachers don’t let me share answers.”
“I…wait a minute. Do the other kids ask for your help?”
“Yeah.”
A good parent would tell him to stop doing that. Kolyat knew that. But the ethics of test-taking weren’t as important to him as making sure Vasaed didn’t grow up feeling weird about himself. “Actually, if you’re careful and make sure none of the teachers see or hear you, go ahead and help them out. Just remember that you’re not supposed to be doing it.”
“Then why do it?”
“Well, it’s…” Kolyat cringed at himself and tried to think of how to explain where he’d been going with that idea. How was he supposed to explain doing what was right versus doing what was liked by others, without setting himself up for future parent-teacher meetings about things he couldn’t even think of? “Alright, remember that episode of the Animated Milk Sheik Series where Milk Sheik sneaks the secret formula to the good guys from Baron Lactose’s base?”
“‘Sheiked Not Stirred’. I liked that one.”
“Yeah, well it’s kind of like that. He didn’t have to, the good guys would’ve probably figured it out on their own eventually - they’re smart good guys, right?”
“Right.”
“But he did it anyway because they were stuck. And they were all happy that he did it, weren’t they?”
“Yeah.” Vasaed thought about the idea for a while. “It’s not exactly like that, is it?”
“Not really. But the other kids will probably appreciate it if you help them.”
“They did. One of the turians tried to give me her lunch to thank me.”
Kolyat froze up.
“But I couldn’t eat it.”
“And thank Arashu that you knew that…” he muttered quietly, briefly resting his forehead against a cupboard.
Vasaed was silent for a moment. Kolyat let him be and fished around on a shelf for the plates, privately wondering what his son hadn’t been taught about the other species’ yet. There had to be gaps in information still, Vasaed was only young and-. “I don’t know what to talk to the other kids about.”
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“All kinds of things. What they’re going to be when they grow up. The vids they like. Their parents. Where they’re going on school vacation.” Vasaed paused again. “I can’t always talk about that stuff.”
“You can always start new conversations. You do it with me all the time.”
“I ask you questions.”
“Hah. Yeah, and see? That works.” Kolyat spared a grin and braced his hands on the counter, pausing for a moment to give Vasaed all his attention. “My boss told me once that the most interesting person he ever talked to never said a word about himself. He just asked all the questions and let other people do the rest.”
Vasaed stared at him for a long moment, then smiled just a little. “That sounds easy.”
“It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
He’d hold off on booking that shrink.
-
“Krios. About time you showed up.”
“I was tracking those six Eclipse men you wanted me to keep an eye on. They don’t move at my convenience.”
“No smart-mouthing from you. I’m not in the mood.”
It wasn’t rare for Kolyat to see the inside of Bailey’s office. He wasn’t officially a part of the place, not in the capacity he was being utilized anyway: every meeting had to be conducted quietly, even if it was in plain sight. The Commander would usher him in, seal the door and do a cursory sweep of the place for bugs. Then they’d get right to business - people that needed to be tailed, evidence that needed to be scouted before it could be seized, and so on: basically, Kolyat was there to do anything that C-Sec couldn’t do themselves without jumping through bureaucratic hoops and long waiting periods. Bailey managed to word it creatively enough that it was called ‘community service’ in the courts, but at the same time slipped it into C-Sec’s payroll as a ‘rookie’ position. It was a favour the man didn’t owe him. Kolyat had been doing his best to repay him for that, though knew he was falling short of expectations now.
‘Now’, Bailey was irritably tapping his omni-tool and processing for bugs. In the interim he glared at the drell. Kolyat tried not to show the dread that was settling in his gut. There was a chance, a slim chance that Bailey was just going to lay into him about his various ‘breaks’. Demand another explanation. Threaten him a little more with prison. That was-
“I thought when you started peeling off that you were getting into bad habits.” The Commander crossed his arms and levelled a stare at him with almost tangible disappointment there. “You dodged work and I couldn’t figure out why. Or for what. All I knew was that it couldn’t be good news, not after the effort you put into scaring off Mouse.”
Kolyat felt his jaw set tightly. So much for slim chances. “…I’d hoped that wasn’t you who put him up to it.”
“Don’t you get self-righteous on me.” Bailey sat down heavily behind his desk, making the chair squeal. “I wouldn’t have. I hated doing it. You’ve been keeping a damn big secret. When I clued into that, I needed to make sure it wasn’t the kind of secret that’d bite me in the ass.”
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“Uh huh. Who else have you been keeping out of this ‘personal’ thing?”
Kolyat’s lip curled back. “I’m not leaving it up to anyone to decide when they get to drop into Vasaed’s life. If they’re not around now, they won’t be later.”
“For Chrissakes-”
“How do you even know? Mouse?”
“Mouse clams up whenever I say your name. It was…look. Doctors need to make a report whenever a kid looks like they’re in bad shape. Any sort of bad shape. A drell kid popped up with your people’s equivalent of pinkeye or whatever. Your name and relation to the kid was on the admittance sheet.” Bailey shook his head and waved out a hand, gesturing for Kolyat to take the seat opposite him. “It won’t look good if you keep dodging your ‘community service’. The courts will get involved again, the prosecution will see this on top of what you’ve been charged with. It’ll get easier for them to sink you. Then what happens?”
Kolyat stayed standing, now sort of compressing into himself. Tensing. He didn’t need to know ‘then what’. It was pretty easy to guess. Continued noncompliance, when the charge he was avoiding had been knocked down to unlawful imprisonment, would get him a short sentence. Six months had felt like nothing when he’d been weighing up his options at the beginning of all this, before Bailey had worked out how to make him useful to C-Sec. Now even a week was too long. “I’m only unavailable for a few hours every day. I get back to work once Vasaed’s asleep and when he’s in school. That’s most of the day. You can’t complain.”
“That’s how you pronounce the kid’s name, is it? I wondered.” Bailey finally softened up a bit, relaxing in his seat somewhat. “You’ll work yourself dead like that. What happened to the kid’s mother?”
“Suicide.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“She was depressed when I knew her. I think she’d been looking for something to care about. She underestimated what it meant to have a kid, I guess. It all built up.”
“…Did the kid see it?”
“No. She…they basically existed separately once he could walk and put food in his own mouth. She only made sure he prayed and got to school.”
“Not much of a mother.”
“I didn’t exactly have that in mind when I-“
Bailey held up his hands. “Fair enough. Jesus, son. I don’t want a memory trance worth of details.”
Kolyat finally took up that offered seat. All he was doing was enumerating his problems, but it felt good. Liberating. And now that he’d started, he couldn’t shut himself up. “That bitch of a doctor wouldn’t listen to me. Vasaed doesn’t complain about anything. He’s…his mother gave up early: that’s the example he started with. He’s still getting used to telling me when there’s a problem. He’s still trying to work out what problems are. If I’d known he was sick, if I could’ve seen it before his whole eye swelled shut overnight, I’d have taken him to the clinic that minute.”
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“I’m not telling him.”
“He’ll find out.”
“Not the usual way. Not through that duct rat.”
“He’ll still find out.”
“Will you tell him? Or Shepard?”
“Not if you ask me not to.”
“Then don’t.”
“I’m just saying. He’ll know one day.” Bailey made a conceding shrug. “If he’s got that kind of time left, anyway. Wasn’t he doing poorly when you last saw him?”
Kolyat narrowed his eyes. “That’s not going to convince me, Commander. That’s even more reason not to tell him. I’m the first consistent thing in Vasaed’s life. I’m not throwing him a grandparent who’s just going to be a drop in the ocean by the time his next birthday comes around.”
“You don’t think your old man would still wanna know?”
“Don’t call him that. It’s not about what he wants. It’s not even about me.” He shook his head, closed his eyes and rubbed the side of his face. “I bet you think I don’t want him around because of me, because of what I want. Well, I don’t…but it goes further than that now. Do you know what I’d tell him if I wrote to him about Vasaed? The first thing I’d say? ‘Don’t visit’. Even if he stuck around, he’d be dead by the time my son got used to him. What then? Once again, there’s a broken-hearted little kid left behind. At least this one would still have a father.”
“What about what Vasaed wants?”
“Vasaed wants to sit on the couch under the warm lamp and have me read to him. He wants to go to school and tell all the other kids in his class the answers to the test when they struggle. He wants to understand what I do for a living. He wants a Blasto plush toy.” Kolyat closed his eyes and tried not to think too hard about what he was saying. It was just simple statements; he wasn’t even scratching the real surface yet, so why did it feel like it was breaking his heart? “Vasaed’s mother didn’t teach him anything about people or how to act around them. It took months for him to get the idea of what a good parent is supposed to be like, and what he can expect out of me while I’m trying to be one. He didn’t understand why I thought he might miss Kahje or anyone on it. There’s all these gaps in his head and he’s trying to figure them out. He’s only just starting to figure out what ‘friends’ are, Commander. I can’t fuck things up for him any more than I already do. I can’t tell Thane about him, because I’ll have to explain Thane to him. What’ll he think, that he’s supposed to grow up to hate his father? That fathers eventually just walk away from their families? That’s the impression he’d get. I can’t talk to Thane in front of him - I don’t trust myself not to bring all that up. I won’t confuse him like that and I don’t know how to make him understand in the first place.”
Bailey waited patiently until Kolyat opened his eyes again. The human still had something going on in his head, it was apparent in his expression, but he vocalised his point of view before Kolyat could dissolve into paranoid speculation. “The kid’s got some damage, then.”
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“Aw, Christ…”
“-But he’s already improving without that. We started talking about it more when I realised how far these ‘gaps’ went. I’m still going to book the woman anyway, I think. You know, just to see if she can’t help him some more.”
“Yeah, don’t get my opinion on that. I’ve automatically got something against anyone who thinks they know more about my head than I do.” Bailey waved a dismissive hand. “Maybe kid shrinks are different.”
“What sort are you familiar with?”
“Marriage councillors.”
Kolyat grimaced.
“Hah! Yeah, it was a bit like that,” the Commander said with a grin. He let the grin diminish just as quickly as it came on, drummed his fingers against his desktop a few times, then shook his head and stood up. “I’ll drop this whole thing in a second. There’s just one last thing I want you to think about.”
“What’s that?”
“His mother’s dead. You can’t name a relative in your family that you like or trust. What’s going to happen to your boy if something happens to you?”
Kolyat opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He felt his eyes glaze over as he asked himself that question in his head, over and over: what would happen? The answer swirled around for a long time before it made its way out of his mouth in a hushed voice. “…I don’t know.”
“Yeah. So I figure you’ve got another problem. You could send him to his mother’s family, if she had one, but since you got him in this state I bet you don’t trust them either. I hear the hanar have a program for orphaned drell, but a lot of ‘em end up like your old man. I know you wouldn’t want that. The only other option’s the Citadel social services, but that’s no good for a boy that needs stability and a real guiding hand. He’ll come out more damaged than you got him.” The Commander paused. “Kid, you might not want to tell Thane, but he could be the only person who can help you with this.”
Every word, every syllable made him want to get up and leave. Made him want to punch the Commander right in the mouth, and screw the consequences. It made him want to run. “Why are you pushing this?”
“I shouldn’t be. It’s not my business, but I figure…you’re here, and you’re talking. I’ll bet I’m the first person you’ve talked to about this.” Bailey didn’t wait for an affirmation: he just plowed right on in true Commander Bailey form. “This is most of what being a parent’s about, Krios. You’re going to have to do things that chip at your pride, and you’ll hate it but you’ll do them anyway. You do them and you hope it’s best for your kid.”
“How will you know if you’ve done things right? I can’t tell if I’m-”
“Hell, I’m still waiting to figure that one out myself.”
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That was a real pleasure to read, anon. Kolyat was just the right amount of confused and eager to help his kid at the same time. I loved their interactions and I loved the character development.
I wonder whether you'd be willing to write a sequel to it where Thane does find out he's got a grandson. I really hope you would.
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I'll get to work! If your - hey, if anyone - had something they wanted to see out of it, just say.
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I'd be content with just seeing how Kolyat handles introducing Thane (or the idea of Thane) to Vasaed. Would Vasaed get to visit the Normandy? Would he want to? Would Kolyat want him to?
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You're awesome, author!anon! AWESOME!
As for what I'd like to see - Thane getting teased that he's a grandpa so young - barely 42 (or 43 by the time this is taking place?)
Also I'd love to see him having hooked up with male!Shep and Kolyat's reaction to that, but I know that's too much to ask, so don't mind me.
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0100 [LOGIN] Thane
0114 [LOGIN] Kolyat
T: I admit that I’m surprised you agreed to this.
K: I’m surprised I’m awake.
T: If you would prefer another time, we can-
K: I’m up. I’m here. Don’t count on a repeat performance, especially if-
T: …If what?
K: Forget it. Why did you want to talk?
T: For the same reasons that I found you on the Citadel. I may not always have a purpose in mind, I simply want to bridge the gaps created between us.
K: I get it. Regrets, dying and so on. I’d probably care if I’d seen you more than twice in the past ten, maybe even eleven years.
K: It’s hard to get worked up about the death of someone you don’t know.
T: You have every right to despise me.
K: Despise?
T: That is not the word you would choose.
K: That implies something detached and disgusted, and more calm than I feel.
T: Then what do you feel?
T: Kolyat?
K: Alright, you know what? If there’s no point to this then I have to go. Try again when you’ve got something to actually talk about.
T: Kolyat. Please. Talk with me.
K: About what? Did you catch that article about match-fixing in the Citadel Newsnet sports section? The refs union is going under investigation. Pretty crazy, isn’t it?
T: I meant about you. Tell me about yourself.
K: Why would I do that? I don’t even KNOW you. You probably already researched me anyway.
T: I only know where you’ve been and what you’ve done, not how you think or what you believe. What you plan and dream. I’d like to know.
K: So the only things left that you don’t know about me is the shit you SHOULD know if you were any sort of a real father. You wouldn’t even ask if you weren’t dying. What, do you feel like you OWE me this? What do you even expect out of me?
T: I don’t know.
K: Yeah? Well go figure that out.
T: Please don’t disconnect.
T: Kolyat?
K: You don’t even have anything to say. That’s fine, I’ve got one last thing. I’ll tell you something you didn’t know about me or Mom. Want to hear it?
T: What is it?
K: One of the earliest things I can remember is when I was six and you were gone. Mom was reading something and I was doing my schoolwork - she was sitting in the armchair by the window in the living room and I was on the floor at her feet. There was a holo of the three of us on the coffee table and I kept looking at it. I couldn’t concentrate. You’d been gone for months and you’d left after an argument with her. You both thought I’d been asleep when it’d happened, but I heard it. I didn’t hear it well, but she kept bringing up my name - you didn’t say it, just Mom. I couldn’t focus on my schoolwork, so I looked up at her and I asked her why you left.
T: She told you that I was away on business.
K: She always told everyone that. I’m not surprised you knew that part. Do you know the rest?
T: No. Please, continue.
K: I knew she wouldn’t tell you about this. She was all about protecting you, even from me and my questions. She wasn’t honest with me. I even knew it when I was little. So I asked her how much longer you’d be gone. She said she didn’t know. I asked her why you were REALLY gone. She put down whatever she’d been reading and really looked at me. Kind of scared. She must’ve been worried that I’d found out, that I’d gotten into your data pad or something, but I hadn’t even guessed it back then. I didn’t know until last year. She still tried to lie for you. She told me that you were really only gone for business. I didn’t believe her. I snapped. I stood up, picked up the holo on the coffee table and threw it at a wall. I yelled at her - “don’t lie to me!” I started crying. “He’s always gone. He’s never here. He hates me.”
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K: I came up, took the holo and put it back on the table, crawled into her lap and hugged her. I apologised for making her sad. She didn’t say anything, she just kissed the top of my head and tried to calm herself down. When I woke up in the morning, we were both still sitting in the chair. After that, whenever you left I wouldn’t ask her anything about you. I did my schoolwork next to her chair every night that you were gone. We didn’t pretend it never happened, we just never said anything about it.
K: Still there?
T: She never told me.
K: I know. When you came back, she told you to spend more time with me - that’s the only thing she ever said that I heard about it, that convinced me it wasn’t just a vivid dream.
K: She was always protecting you from someone. Nosy neighbours. Relatives. Me. Herself.
K: I have to go. Work in the morning.
0312 [LOGOUT] Kolyat
0355 [IDLE] Thane
0414 [TIMEOUT ERROR] Thane
x
“Is it okay if I call you ‘dad’ now?”
Vasaed never ran out of questions: there was always something new in his immediate surroundings to ask about, especially on the walk home to the Wards from his school in the Presidium. He’d spent two hours playing the ‘why’ game when one of his school’s teachers took maternity leave. Kolyat just thanked the gods that he stopped asking ‘why’ before they got to the where-babies-come-from part. Still, his son never ceased to figuratively knock him flat when he opened his little mouth and quietly, levelly asked a question. “That…well. Do you want to?”
“Yes. One of my friends asked me why I don’t call you ‘dad’.”
“What did you say?”
“I don’t know.”
Kolyat frowned. “You don’t remember?” That was not a good sign. Possible genius intellect and a lack of social development were their own challenges. There was therapy for the social thing and the school was willing to give Vasaed harder work to test him, but memory loss for a drell was-
“No, that’s what I said. ‘I don’t know’. I want to call you ‘dad’.” Vasaed paused for a moment, adjusted his tiny full-hand grip on Kolyat’s index finger. “Is that okay?”
It was pretty rare for him to be found without something to say - almost everyone in C-Sec had something to say about his quick-shooting smart-mouth - but whenever it happened, it was always Vasaed who prompted it. Kolyat stared down at the pale green little boy, his son, and just wondered for a moment. Where did that swell of pride come from? The kid was acting like it was no big thing, and here he was - the adult, the father, the responsible one in this situation - feeling nauseous and overwhelmed and proud. “Yeah. Yes, that’s fine.” He grinned and squeezed Vasaed’s little fingers gently. “So what about this friend of yours…you didn’t tell me that you’d started making friends.”
“I told you about her. She’s the one who gave me her lunch.”
“Ohh, the turian. She’s not still sharing food, right?”
“No, she knows now. I explained it to her.”
“Hah. Good boy.”
x
Inter-Relay Text Chatlog. Private Connection.
1850 [LOGIN] Thane
1874 [IDLE] Thane
1876 [RETURNED] Thane
1890 [IDLE] Thane
1897 [RETURNED] Thane
1921 [IDLE] Thane
1929 [LOGIN] Kolyat
K: Late. Obviously. Sorry. I had a call-out. At least after that I’ve only got about sixteen hours left on this community service thing before Bailey hires me on properly.
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