Ah yes, "Old Saint Nick." We have dismissed that claim. [Fic]

[_wist_]

Here's another Kink Meme fill, and this one is brutality free!

This is a Christmas story about aliens trying their best at human traditions.... But some things, no matter how well meaning, always get lost in translation.

Also, this is strange, but there is a tag for 'Kolyat/Oriana' but no tags for them individually that I can find. Anyway, the characters that show up in this story are: Kolyat, Oriana, Miranda, Male Shepard, Garrus, EDI, Joker, Kelly, Kasumi, Sergeant Haron, Bailey and Udina.


Summary [from the prompt]:  Kinkmeme fill. The requirement: that Kolyat must show up at Oriana's door dressed in an elf suit. ~Inspirational~ images were provided.
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The space doorbell buzzed.

There was silence for a bit and Kolyat hoped that that meant that no one was home. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that his patrol partner was having a lot more luck with the tenants across the street. He chalked it up to the fact that the salarian was at least wearing some clothes. Lucky bastard.

This entire farce was an awful idea; something evil concocted last minute by both C-Sect's PR and HR teams. It was supposed to be some kind of new funding effort. What it really was, was bullshit.

His mind wandered around this morning's memories, and it wasn't until he heard a shout from inside the apartment that he realised he'd left his finger on the buzzer.

“I'm coming, I'm coming! Hold your horses, for goodness sake...”

The voice trailed off and there was the sound of the holo-lock being deactivated. Kolyat had just enough time to wonder what a 'horse' was before he was face to face with a middle aged woman. She had greying hair and lines around her face that meant she'd smiled a lot in her youth. Or maybe she'd just been born like that - Kolyat didn't know; he wasn't big on humans. To be fair though, he wasn't big on much while dressed like this.

The woman didn't speak immediately and blinked once, obviously surprised. Kolyat was acutely aware of how she flicked her eyes down his body before quickly focusing on his face again. He was just opening his mouth to start his practised pitch when she spoke first.

“... You must be one of Oriana's school friends,” she said, sounding uncertain. “Hold on a sec, I'll go get her.”

The human disappeared and Kolyat heard her footsteps retreating into the house. He fidgeted uncomfortably as he was forced to wait. Gods this was so stupid.

Inside the house, there was a knock on Oriana's door before it was opened by her mother.

“Mom!” the girl cried, hastily changing tabs away from the chat session she'd been running. “I told you to knock first! And I'm doing homework.”

“Honey,” the woman said, giving her daughter an unimpressed look, “I did knock. And you've got a friend at the door.”

Oriana got up and followed her mother saying, “What? Who is it? I didn't think anyone was coming over today.”

Her mother shrugged, “Don't know Muffin, some blue lizard boy.”

The teenager blushed and cast a quick glance to their front door. “Mom!” she hissed, “What if he hears you?!”

The woman laughed and waved a hand, “Don't worry about it, I closed the door. And besides, I checked. Didn't see any ears.” There was a twinkle in her eye when she added, “And just wait till you see what he's wearing.”

Oriana rolled her eyes but nonetheless went to see what the big deal was, allowing her mother to return to the living room and finish reading whatever articles uncool parents looked at on the extranet.

Opening the door she was greeted with a whole lot of teal skin, a pair of small green pants, a ridiculously cute belled collar, and a green and red elf hat sitting jauntily on top of an alien face - wearing an expression of what might have been impatience.

Suddenly Oriana was overcome with a very acute pang of regret at having left her omnitool in her room. The compelling need to take a photo and send it to all of her friends was almost crippling. She'd never seen an alien like this before and had no idea why he dressed like he belonged in a really low budget Christmas porno.

“Uh, can I help you?” she asked tentatively, having trouble keeping her eyes on his face.

And while Kolyat's instinctual response was, 'I don't know, can you?' he ended up practising the disciplined art of self-censorship instead. Clearing his throat, he said, “Hi, I'm with C-Sec and we're hosting another charity function. This season's theme is 'Yuletide Cheer' and I was wondering if you'd be interested in buying tickets to the event? Your donation would be greatly appreciated and will go towards funding our acquisitions of -”

Oriana cut his monotonous pitch short with a wave of her perfectly manicured hand. She had more important things to talk about.

“You're not too great at this whole marketing thing are you?”

The young man tried not to frown at her. Sure he might not have been as enthusiastic about the canvasing as some of his co-workers, but most of them weren't forced to wear these tiny costumes. Well okay, aside from the asari, but still, that hardly counted.

“Listen,” he said. “If you buy today you get entered in for a prize and everything.”

“Are you even a real C-Sec officer?”

“Yes,” he lied, before adding a much more honest, “Almost. I've got a couple months of training left. Now do you want a ticket or not?”

While she found the guy's attitude a little stiff, it was still kind of endearing all the same. Maybe it was the jingle-bell choker, maybe not, but Oriana felt compelled to humour him. Leaning against her door frame she asked, “So what is this, some kind of newbie hazing ritual?”

“No,” the drell replied with a sigh, before pointing his thumb over his shoulder to where the salarian - now three houses ahead - was cheerfully greeting a new set of humans. “Everyone has to 'get in character' or 'in spirit' or whatever. There's a lot of apartments in this neighbourhood and we're expected to hit them all.”

“Is he holding a menorah?” She asked, squinting at the salarian who was waving the candlestick around exuberantly. “And... is that a hockey puck tied to his forehead?”

Kolyat rubbed the back of his neck and was surprised he still had the capacity to feel even more embarrassed. “Yeah,” he said awkwardly, “I don't even know what he's carrying around, but he said he'd done his own research.”

Oriana snorted. “So how come he's not modelling a pair of green shorts too? ” she pressed.

“First, why would you even want to see a salarian in less clothing? And second, we ... didn't have any costumes in their size. Everything was too big. Trust me, they lucked out. But, about those tickets,” he prompted hopefully, “I'll give you a deal if you buy two.”

“What's going to happen at the event, is it some kind of social, or like the annual charity ball?”

“Do you know what an 'elf auction' is? Because it's going to be one of those.” He hoped that the phenomenon was human thing, because he really didn't want to have to explain it. Back at the station, Bailey had had a hard enough time as it was; it had sounded too much like slavery to a couple of the men.

Wherever the tradition came from, it seemed like the young woman was familiar enough not to ask him to elaborate. Or maybe she just didn't want to look stupid; he didn't care. Either way he was grateful. Up until her next question of course.

“Are you going to participate?”

He laughed dryly, saying, “Gods I hope not.” Kolyat failed to mention that Bailey had said he'd call them even on the remaining community service if he did.

Out of the blue, she asked, “Hey, this might sound rude or something but, um, what exactly are you?”

“I'm fantastic,” the older boy deadpanned. He was used to the question by now, but he really should have seen it coming. Drell were already a pretty rare site on the Citadel, and this neighbourhood was almost exclusively human.

“No, seriously,” she said, looking at him harder than he felt comfortable with. “I've never seen anyone like you. What's your species?”

He blinked both eyelids.

Inwardly Oriana winced. That came out sounding a lot like she'd just asked him for his sign.

Kolyat sighed, and it sounded a little too dramatic. “I'll tell you if you buy a ticket,” he said finally.

The young woman laughed. “You drive a hard bargain,” she said, using a term she'd picked up from her father, “but I was going to anyway. It sounds like fun.”

“For you maybe,” he mumbled. If she heard him she didn't say anything, only smiling a little wider.

They did the transaction, and when he was sure the credits had transferred properly, he said, “I'm a drell.”

“Oh, I think I've heard of you guys!” she said cheerfully, “You're the ones living with the hanar right?

“Yeah. Listen, I need to meet my quota for today, so I should run. Here's your ticket. But hey, before I go, can I ask you a question?”

“Only if you buy a pack of girl guide cookies first.”

“What?”

“Never mind, it's a human joke,” she smiled again and Kolyat watched her alien, soft looking skin stretch. “So,what can I do for you Officer?”

The young man paused for the briefest of seconds. He kind of liked how that sentence had ended.

“Uh. Do you happen to know what a “horse” is?” he asked.

The girl made a face he couldn't interpret, saying, “That's kind of from left field, but yeah; it's this big earth animal, why?”

“Is that some kind of human euphemism or something?”

Oriana couldn't help as her eyes drifted down towards garishly bright green shorts. It was struggle to look anywhere else. Kolyat seemed to notice, because he hunched his shoulders, and then shoved her ticket toward her chest. He didn't seem at all perturbed when he touched one of her breasts with the side of his hand.

“Um,” she said, blinking owlishly.

“You have to take this now,” he said, pushing the ticket forward.

Oriana blushed but didn't say anything besides a slightly surprised, “Oh, right. Thanks.” There was no need to make things any more awkward than they already were.

Both their hands met for an instant when she took the card before the drell's returned to his sides. Oriana wasn't sure if the boy noticed that he was balling them into fists now. But then again, she said to herself, maybe the body language meant something entirely different to his culture. Maybe that was his way of saying he liked her hair.

“You never answered my question,” Kolyat said, sounding a little peevish now.

In response, Oriana offered him her best coy smile, saying, “I'll tell you at the auction.”

“If I even bother showing up”

“Your call,”she said as she closed the door. “I'll see you later.”

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CHAPTER 2
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Meanwhile, on board the Normandy Commander Shepard was finishing a shower. He was just stepping out of the washroom and doing up his slacks when he noticed Garrus. Just standing there, in his room. And holding a bottle of what was probably booze.

“Can... I help you?” the commander asked carefully.

His turian buddy fidgeted, trying to phrase what he wanted to say. Shepard didn't think this was a good sign at all.

“Hey, relax,” he said, crossing his arms. “Talk to me Garrus. You know you,” he cast another slightly worried glance to what he was starting to suspect was wine, “can tell me anything. So what's bothering you?”

“I got a message from an old contact at C-Sec a few weeks ago,” Garrus started. “It's no emergency or anything like that; I'm on their mailing list. The guys are holding a charity event and I usually throw some credits their way when I can.” He shrugged. “And since I was on the Normady, I thought it might be a good idea to ask around. You know, gather some funds for the people fighting the good fight on the home front. There's a lot of decent men working down there. The crew was pretty good about it too, especially those with families on the Citadel.”

Shepard felt his posture relax. “I don't see what the problem is here,” he said.

“C-Sec's party is in a couple of days, and I thought it would be nice to, you know, make the donation then, in person. It would be nice to see some familiar faces.” Garrus spread his hands, “I know we're passing through Citadel space soon, and I was wondering if we could stop by for a little shore leave. Doesn't have to be long.”

His mandibles flared widely. “For the record, Shepard; this is me grinning winningly at you.”

The commander rolled his eyes before asking, “Isn't that a little early? I thought the gala usually wasn't for another couple cycles.”

Garrus shrugged. “They changed things after I left obviously. Maybe meant to patch up some of the resource holes left by the Reapers last time. All my contact said was that this was a new marketing effort.”

“And the wine?” Shepard prompted, inclining his head.

“What? This?” Garrus asked, looking at the bottle as if for the first time. “You didn't honestly think- ?” The turian laughed. “Oh that's good, Shepard. But no, don't get your hopes up. This is the best you can buy with my salary and probably a little too good for you.”

Shepard recrossed his arms, and gave the turian a look.

“It's for Tali,” Garrus offered quickly, “Dextro stuff, so she can drink it.” He cleared his throat. “But that's not important. I'm here because I also wanted to invite you to come to the ball with me.”

“Wouldn't you rather ask our resident quarian mechanic?”

“Tali? No. Well, I already did actually. Not that I wasn't going to ask you to join us too!” he added hastily. “But she said something about an annual pilgrimage dedication. You know how it is with woman; always other commitments.” He laughed. “Either that or a technophile support group. Don't quite remember.”

“You aren't going to try to dance with me are you, Garrus?” Shepard asked, laughing himself.

“Me? Heh, no. You only wish. That gardener on the presidium was right; turians really don't dance.”

“Not even with quarians? Because I saw an ad for this one vid-”

“Shepard...”

The human held up his hands in a pacifying gesture. “I'm just kidding,” he said. “And sure, I'd love to come along. Besides, I probably owe Bailey some seasonal greetings or something.”

“Maybe an apology card,” Garrus said, chuckling. “For all the paperwork you make them do.” He turned around and had just taken a few steps toward the door when he seemed to remember something.

Looking over his should he added, “Oh and Commander, the invitation said this was a formal occasion. Try to dress the part if you can; we can't have all the ladies chasing me after all.” He ducked his head, “One last thing too,” and here he sounded a bit sheepish, saying, “It's concealed weapons only. The crowds get nervous when the guests are packing more firepower than the officers.”

Shepard grinned, “you know me, Garrus; I'd hate to start a scene.”

The turian laughed at that and satisfied, nodded once to the captain and left the room. His laughter followed behind him like a puppy.

Chuckling to himself, the commander locked the door behind him. He could not wait until Mordin got wind of whatever it was going on between his two old crew mates. He hoped the good doctor would be sending them both educational material. It would be hilarious.
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