RP Log with notpowers | Mortal to Mortal

[actuallybye]

Austin hadn't been surprised at all when the doctor in the ER had decided to admit him straight away for an urgent blood transfusion. He had been interrogated about what happened, but all Austin offered was that he must've hit his head and couldn't remember. It earned him an MRI and CT Scan for his troubles, so at least there would be any indications if he had something screwy going on his brain. In all honesty, after Logan's brain tumour, Austin was happy to be checked over physically right now. Cancer could be hereditary. You just never knew these days.

He had felt like utter crap, too. Trying to get up out of bed had been hellish. He could hardly stand without his head spinning, he felt exhausted and sick. That must be what happened when you had your blood sucked out of you. He was trying not to think too hard on the Logan situation, but it was impossible when his heart and head were in such turmoil. Now here he was, lying in a hospital bed hooked up to heart monitors and oxygen with bags of blood units running into him. Messages had been left for Rory to give him the heads up, but so far the middle Buchanan brother hadn't arrived. It was only when Eddie got up to go get coffee when Austin found Xander hovering in the doorway of his room. The guy had given Austin a lift to the hospital, and Austin was more than grateful for it. "Dude... does the eyepatch prevent you seeing where chairs are or something? Sit doon, you're giving me a headache."


Xander just gave a slightly nervous laugh, hospitals somewhere he had never enjoyed being. Especially after he'd lost his eye. Only it came with being one of the Scoobies. Except there was no Scooby Gang. He'd managed to catch Willow before she'd left Scotland after the anti-Slayer voodoo. Apparently the Wiccan had business elsewhere. And Giles had taken a job as a librarian again. Surprise, surprise. Only he seemed to at least be staying in Scotland, and for that Xander was grateful. He suddenly found himself in need of Giles-like advice. He also suspected that somewhere deep down, so did Buffy. Xander could only fill in for her surrogate father for so long. "Sorry, it's just... I'm not good with these places. Not that I mind driving you here. It's not what I'm saying at all. So you're all good up there," he asked as he tapped his temple. "Apart from the headache I'm inducing."

"No tumours, still fucked," Austin offered, giving Xander a half-hearted thumbs up before he rested his hand across his chest again. He was watching the other guy through heavy-lidded eyes, still not entirely sure how he was supposed to take him. The guy was Buffy's best friend, and Buffy was about to have Austin's nephew so there were links there. It just felt odd for him to have all these people apparently connected to him that he didn't know. A whole world he didn't know, and that scared the living shit out of him. His other hand was now bandaged neatly and apparently had some salve of some sort covering it to ease the pain of the bruising. Again, he played dumb and amnesiac when asked what happened to it. Fuck, they could just get to treating him without knowing. That was what they got paid for. "Nay exactly a walk in the park for me either, mate, so we can be awkward and uncomfortable together. Unless you wanna get back to our Airlie."

Xander shook his head as he just stared back at Austin with his good eye. "No, no. It's cool. I'm sure that couples are supposed to be able to spend at least some time apart. I don't wanna get to that point where we're wearing matching leisure suits and calling each other 'schmoopie'. That kinda thing makes me queasy and more than a little scared of pastels. Plus, with you all trapped here in a hospital bed I figure what better time to bond? I am exceptionally skilled in rambling and small talk so really, I can fill any and all awkward silences."

Austin gave him a faint smirk. "She wouldnae be settling for any leisure suit, dude. I hear their... kind like a bit more quality," he mumbled, still feeling thrown and woozy when he had to think about Logan being a vampire. Sure, a fancy schmancy type of one, but the basic concept was there, right? His actual big brother, gone in favour of this. It hurt so much. All Austin wanted to do was cry his heart out, but he was sure if he started that again, he wouldn't stop. Plus, he upset Eddie when he cried. He didn't want her to feel useless. He could just suck it up and deal. "At least, with her, you can be guaranteed life willnae be boring. Or... sunny, apparently."

Xander's eyebrows went up before he smiled wryly. "So... does that make me the dude she's slumming for, or someone of quality?" Xander's expression shifted to more of an amused smile and he started to chuckle quietly. "My life hasn't been incredibly sunny for a long time, man. I'm used to the night hours. Been around Buffy since I was sixteen, so I adapted pretty freakin' quick. Plus, when I need the sun I know I can get it. She wouldn't ever deny me. Airlie's amazing. She really is. I love her," he added in a reverent whisper, like he was still worried that saying it would curse it all, but he couldn't help himself. "And I'm lucky she even wants to look twice at me. It's alright, I know I'm probably not up to Toreador standard."

Austin held up a hand with a small snort. "Dinnae ask me, mate. I only know Airlie from before she was... was... you know. She's different now." He cleared his throat softly. "And obviously you're up to her standard, so isnae that all that matters. Some days, I dinnae feel like I'm up to my wife's standards either. Isnae anything special aboot me. I'm just a soldier, I pretty much live and breathe that. Like, seriously, it's all I know. Then it just all implodes aroond me and I cannae cope, so I get fucked in the head. But in all honesty, mate, they dinnae like it when you say you arenae good enough for them. They take it as an insult to their taste or something."

Xander nodded quickly before he pointed at Austin's untouched jello, asking silently if he could have it. "Tell me about it. Another thing I've learned to keep my mouth shut about it, but it's just you and me. I'll keep your secrets if you keep mine. Man power. Or, you know, something that doesn't sound like a troupe of male strippers. I can definitely tell you though, that your wife thinks the world of you. You were all she could talk about while we waited. She loves you big time, man. I think we both have something to be grateful for." He scratched at the back of his head before he leaned forward to look at Austin intently. "I'm kinda glad the PTSD wasn't something I got when I was a soldier. And by soldier, I mean... ah, magical spell while wearing a soldier costume at Halloween one year. Long, long story and really not the same thing, but I just... I can't even imagine what it must really be like. It's any wonder you get a bit head fucked."

Austin gave a slight nod of confirmation. He had no intentions of putting that in his mouth, and that was saying something considering the rations he lived on out in Afghanistan. "She saved my life, really. I mean, not in the direct sense. She didnae pull me oot of the shite I landed in... literally. But she was there when I got brought back. I was half dead. She brought me back, stayed with me through the worst of it. The thing was, we knew what I could be going into. The whole unit did. That's why we got married. Just sort of a what the hell dare when we knew it could be touch and go. Hell, a couple of our other mates went and shagged... both male, straight, bit of bi-curiosity. I think they're dating now," he said with a faint smirk. It had been one of the worst operations he headed into, and he nearly died. Now he was left with this of the aftermath. "As much of a pain in the arse as Halloween is, it isnae being a soldier that fucks with your head. It's out there, that place. What you see, hear, smell, taste... isnae anyway to possibly describe it. Death and evil."

Xander's eyebrows and stayed up around his hairline at the mention of the bi-curious dating soldiers. He'd never been a little bi-curious, but he wasn't surprised to hear something like that had happened. There might have been that whole 'don't ask, don't tell', but that didn't stop people finding connections and falling for each other. He was also pretty impressed to hear that Austin and Eddie had only got married on a dare. He really hadn't guessed it. They just seemed so together. "At least you did make it down the aisle. I was engaged once, even got to the part where I was wearing the tux and about to do it. Then I got cold feet. Serious cold feet. I broke my fiancee's heart..." He shrugged as memories of Anya tugged at his heart, but he'd done his grieving for her. He also didn't want to go into the former vengeance demon side with Austin. He had enough to wrap his head around. "Then why do you do it?" he found himself asking.

"We didnae even have an aisle, admittedly. Just a tent with a Reverend who was oot there doing charity work. The wedding night was a camp stretcher nay even big enough for one person. Middle of the desert, hot, grimy, flies and bugs and sweat." Austin gave a small shrug. "You think differently oot there. It's a different world. You know, it okay to have cold feet. Means you really arenae ready. It's a part of your heart deep doon telling you something isnae quite right yet. It's a feeling many of us dinnae spend enough time listening to. Like, when your brother is looking at you like you're a Big Mac smorgasboard, best nay to offer him a bite. Why do I do it? Because someone has to. If people like me didnae exist, the world wouldnae exist. A war many years ago would have ended it. There would've been nay resolution. Just death. Plus, I'm good at it. I dinnae owe to anyone here... except my family. Only seeing now how much it probably impacted on them. Before, I guess I took it for granted."

"I still loved her, even afterwards. I just wasn't ready for the idea of forever. It's a long time, you know? At least when you're not ready. With Airlie, I mean, I'll never be her forever, but I'm willing to be around as long as she wants me. Hopefully for the rest of my life, but that's all... you know, future stuff. I can't get too ahead of myself otherwise my head tends to try and run away." He quietened down as he listened, only moving when he took the jello and spoon. At least he wouldn't crunch while he ate and interrupt Austin. "Probably not the best times to offer your brother a bite, no. Airlie gets that look too, and not always at me. I feel sorry for the unsuspecting guys she gets a hunger for, but... you know. It's who she is. I gotta learn to share otherwise I'd, um... well, be in your position. If you do get cleared for service, would you go back?"

Austin wet his lips, and he glanced up briefly at the packs of blood being fed into his veins. He couldn't help but wonder if a Kindred would react to that or even want to swallow from a medical packed lot like that. Wherever he looked, blood was the topic of conversation. It didn't help that Austin was a rare type, either. All three brothers were B Negative, and he also wondered if that had anything to do with the fact Kindred might like feeding on them. It was all a mystery to him. "It is a long time, but I guess my mindset, forever is only as long as each day you survive. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. Which means, maybe you just werenae ready, laddie. Nothing wrong with that. I guess deep doon, I was. Just didnae know it. Didnae think I would ever be the marrying sort. That was always Rory's deal." He cleared his throat again. It was dry and sore from all the crying. "You'd never considering going to her life? Logan was... I dinnae mind. Apparently it was me that set him off. I was terrified of him, of my own brother. I dinnae even know how to process that. He was so different. There was this look in his eyes I didnae know... his eyes arenae even the same, and your eyes are like the windows into your soul and all that. But he's different. Aye, I feel like I should go back, but I dinnae mind anything anymore. I might nay be cleared. Once you're fecked in the head, it's like a mark on your record, and I climbed the ranks quickly."

Xander paused with a spoonful of jello halfway to his mouth as he just stared at Austin for a long moment. "Me? A vampire?" He laughed before he ate the jello, and swallowed it down. "No, no, no. Look, I can live with being Nick Fury, but me being a vampire? Never gonna happen. I'm just a normal guy. I'm no one special, certainly not Kindred worthy. They're... they're too high up, you know? I mean, what clan is there for geeks with one eye? I'm strictly the support act. Not the main event. I'm more than happy to leave that to Airlie, and I guess your brother. From what I hear he's quite the Kindred specimen, but a little... ah, volatile. Enthusiastic? So do you... regret being married? Or it was one of those happy surprises? Look, buddy, no one's blaming you for being a little scared. I saw Buffy as a vampire once... not the pretty looking Kindred kind, but the parasitic bumpy foreheaded kind and it wasn't exactly something to just take in your stride. It's a shock. Of course it is. You're also dealing with a lot right now, so I think your brain's only gonna have so much space to compute. It just needs a defrag, you know?" He stopped eating the jello long enough to give Austin a sympathetic smile. "For what it's worth, I think you're pretty cool for a guy who's fucked in the head."

Austin gave a slight shrug of his shoulder. "They keep telling me Kindred arenae your standard vampires. Or arenae vampires at all. I keep losing track. You think Logan was all those things before? He wasnae. He was a normal guy, he loved being a normal guy. Aye, he was smart. Genius smart. He taught me a lot of what I know. I got an A in maths because of him when I basically sucked at it, but still. He was an average laddie. Your views are just skewed because you're aroond the finest on the market. Trust me, they do my head in like nothing else. Feel like toe fungus near them... and Logan... like I said, he's changed," was all he could say on that subject. "I dinnae regret it at all. It might have been a quick decision, but I didnae take it lightly. I respect the vows, I honour them. I feel fucking lucky as hell that a lassie like Eddie wants to be married to me. It's just... being married over there is different to married here. Now we have to be a wee bit normal. But yay for sex in a bed. Cannae deny the positives of that. I didnae say I was little scared, I was fecking terrfied and what the fuck. Buffy as a vampire? What the fuck?!" he asked in confusion, really not following at all now.

Xander held his hands up with the spoon sticking out of his mouth before he reached over to give Austin's hand a squeeze - the good hand - to try and get him to calm down. "Hey, hey," he said after he dropped the spoon. "Ah, it was nightmares. The vampire thing. Look, we came from a town that was far from normal. It's a thing... And a long story for a time when there's alcohol. Basically, like the soldier thing, only not quite... we had our nightmares come true. I was both naked in class and chased by a homicidal clown. Buffy was scared of becoming a vampire. Now, obviously, she's fallen down on the side of 'yay vampire' just not when it comes to being one. At least, I assume not. I mean, she's gonna be a mom. So take a breath, okay? I don't wanna be the guy that gave you a heart attack on top of everything else." Xander gave a shake of his head. "You're not toe fungus. None of us are. We're just not them. It doesn't mean they can't care about us."

Austin was still looking at Xander uncertainly. Talk about giving a guy a friggen stroke. That last thing he needed to hear was that the chick who was about to give birth to his nephew was a creature of the night, because that had been a memo he really hadn't gotten. His heart was beating a little faster now, as indicated by the monitor and he needed to take a few moments to calm down. He really was screwed with this whole thing. He was left beyond spooked. "Seriously, mate, if my own brother can do that to me, how the fuck am I supposed to trust them? I dinnae. I cannae even stand near them withoot having a panic attack. Nay offense, because Airlie is our girl, but I'm still terrified."

Xander held his hands up again. "Seriously, not about to judge here. These are some powerful Kindred that we're suddenly surrounded by. Even I know that. Blaise especially makes me want to pee my pants in a totally manly way, but he's the guy that Buffy's... ah, I don't know. Kinda got a thing with. So unless he hurts her, I'm not gonna do anything. And Airlie... she's really not that scary, man. She gets a little grr when someone tries to hurt Rory, but that's it. Still, I know, I know... you're terrified. And really, it's okay. You don't have to be okay with them. Not if you're really not. No one can force you."

Austin gave a very faint smirk. "I cannae even begin to understand any of them. Their age alone just really fucks with my head. Obviously everything I do fucks with my head these days. I feel like I keep saying that, but it's the truth. Then that dude is, like, a Prince. I dinnae really get what that means in Kindred sense, but he's like an actual Prince. His father was the fecking King of France once upon a time. That's fucked. I cannae even..." He cleared his throat softly. "Logan nearly killed me. When I tried to get him to stop, to fight him off, he went in for the kill even more. I know what they're capable of. If my own brother can do that to me, how can I trust anyone else?"

Xander nodded sympathetically. He'd thought it was crazy when Dracula had showed up in Sunnydale, but Buffy dating a real dead vampire Prince? It was doing his head in just as much as Austin's. At least it wasn't Angel. And he sure as hell wasn't Spike. He had to trust that Buffy's taste had finally gone up a few notches. He would have been much happier though if she'd chosen Rory. He could live with a kilted, ruggedly handsome Hunter as part of the gang. But he had to concede that Rory was the father of Buffy's baby. Yet another thing doing his head in, but Airlie was the only one to be on the end of those rants and ramblings. He poured his heart out to her whether she liked it or not, but she'd never bitten his head off... literally, so he figured she didn't mind. "Because you have to trust that their insanely high age means they've got a certain amount of control. I'm not saying you should trust them, you don't have to. It's definitely something that should be earned, but... I hate to say it, pal, but I think we're all kind of stuck with them."

"That's where you're wrong. I dinnae have to trust anything. I've been trained to nay trust anything unless you know they will glady give their life for you. These people? Arenae giving their lives for anyone. Their age is proof of that. The only person they will give their life for is their Prince. That's it. And apparently you can be sitting there with your finger up your arse doing absolutely fuck all and just your feelings can piss them off. I dinnae understand them. And I'm nay sure I want to. I'm nay sure I even want to be in Scotland. It'll break my heart to be away from Rory when his bairn is born, but I think I'm being counterproductive for everyone here considering everyone but me seems to be all 'Yay Kindred' and I dinnae want to be anywhere near them," Austin mumbled.

Xander really did feel sorry for the guy and he cleared his throat as he set down the jello so that he could focus on Austin. "For the record, I'm yay my Kindred. As in Airlie. We've already covered how amazing she is, and yeah, it sucks I didn't know her when she was human, but I'm getting to know her now. I'm not so sure about any of the others, including your brother. No offence. He's so scary that he's not even allowed to be seen. And he nearly killed his own brother. So, you know, staying off the band wagon. I'm here because of Buffy, and Airlie. My best friend's about to be a mom. Just like Rory's about to be the dad, because hey, same kid. And for that, I'm willing to brave the scary Kindred with the head fuck special powers. I know it's harder with what happened with Logan, but that doesn't make anything counter productive. If Rory's sticking around, he has a reason. I just don't think he's gonna be living under that roof for too long. Last I heard, there's plans for a big house somewhere away from Ros and her peeps."

Austin's forehead creased in confusion. "He's nay... scary. He's different. He's... stunning. He's just different. To look at him, there isnae anything scary aboot him. He's, like, fucking supermodel material. He'd make some straight dude's dicks hard with one look, I swear. I dinnae mind. I cannae even really explain it... There's something in his eyes that is different. Something is gone, that I just dinnae mind if it will ever be back. He was so reserved and stand-offish. The essence of Logan was there, but it's nay completely him. Rory says he's in there somewhere, but it's just this new side of him that's more prominent right now. That Kindred need to mind they're human inside somewhere. It's just that Logan's human side coming oot is all aboot sex and confidence. Which aye, okay... that was there before. It was just a natural part of him. But it's like that's everything now... and that... that animal-type thing. His eyes, fuck. Screwing with my fucking head." He pressed the heel of his hand against his eye for a few moments. "I keep going over him dying, too. Like it just happened right now. Seriously, you're probably better leaving now or my mental will rub off on you."

Xander's tongue flicked over his lips before he shook his head. "No, I'm not going anywhere. I don't think you should be alone right now, man. I know Eddie's here, but I think you just need someone else to talk to. That fiancée I mentioned before? She died. I saw her body, and... for a long time I couldn't stop seeing it. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that she had to be one of the ones to die, that she couldn't make it through so that we could get married. The rest of us survived, so why didn't she? Nothing is ever right when you see the body of someone close to you. And you even had to watch Logan drop dead, watch that moment when it was just all over. See the life leave his body. How can it not mess with your head seeing him alive again, and seeing him as... not him? I don't envy you, but I just wish I could help more. Instead I'll just ramble on."

"I'm sorry, dude," Austin murmured, a troubled frown still on his face. He couldn't even fathom losing Eddie. Sure, in the military and out there, there is always the chance it could all go wrong. Austin was walking proof of that, but you never really want to stop and think on it. He hadn't contemplated losing his brothers though, either. Well, there was the time Logan was nearly murdered, but he eventually recovered even if it was touch and go. When Austin did actually try to contact Rory to tell him what happened, but he had been incommunicado, apparently off Hunting or something. It's why the news never reached Rory. "I had been watching the life go oot of him for days. I was just deluded. I seriously kept thinking he would recover. But thinking back, I knew I could see it. He was slipping away. It just took us all by such shock because we werenae really ready for it. Nay deep doon. He was supposed to be the invincible one."

"Thanks. It was a few years ago, so it's not... I mean, I've grieved. I finally got over it. I'll always love Anya, she was a big part of my life. But she's gone, and now I have Airlie. She's helped me a lot. I got stuck in this pattern of thinking that maybe I just wasn't meant for love, that I wouldn't get another chance. My relationships up until Anya were... brief, and questionable to say the least. I was always the loser, you know? I know I'm good with the bad jokes, but it's not like I don't understand grief. Or denial. Of course you wanted your brother to be okay. Again, no one will fault you for that." He smiled a little before he patted Austin's hand. "Not to get technical, or anything, but he is pretty much genuinely invincible now..."

Austin wet his lips again and glanced around the hospital room uncertainly. It was starting to feel oddly claustropbic. Hell, out there in the desert, he could lie in ditches for days and not feel this trapped. "I'd say I get it, dude, but I dinnae. I wasnae ever the relationship sort. I had sex because it was sex. I lost my virginity to a pal doon the street because we both wanted to know what it was like. If we had rest breaks at ports, I'd usually pull just for the fuck of it to let off a bit of steam. Ironically, I shagged Eddie, like, three times in total before we came here. A couple of times when we were fired up from ops. Christ, I think one of the times was even with an audience in front of a couple of the blokes. Wasnae like you care so much oot there. Then there was our wedding night. Didnae get a chance any other time. I feel like I've missed oot on shit, I just dinnae know what. Never thought aboot it much. I watched Rory with his wife, and thought it looked cool, but never had an urge for that sort of life. Then I get here and Logan is doing this... turning into this... for some dude he loves and I wonder what the feck I've been missing oot on, you know? He's nay invincible. He's his own worst enemy."

Xander nodded. "Well, now you get to find out, right? You got this woman that you think is amazing, so what's better than that? You took the plunge for a dare, but it sounds like maybe it's a whole lot more than that. And maybe you did just need to get married like this so you didn't think about it much. Sometimes I think that's what us guys get wrong. Chicks don't think we think, but we do. And we can think way too much when we stop and actually, you know... think." He smiled at Austin sheepishly. "Ironically I should think more before I open my mouth, but hey... I don't. Sometimes words come out before I even notice. I'm sure it's just an American thing. So you and Eddie were friends before the marriage? Nothing wrong with that." He rubbed his thumb against his bottom lip before he shook his head slightly. "If Logan really did it for Aidan... then Aidan's a lucky guy. I hope he realises that."

Austin was quiet for a long time before he spoke again and then glanced back to Xander. "Because I'm worried I'm nay going to know how to live here, or how to be married here. Everything is so messed up, I just... you get institutionalised oot there, so to speak. You live it and breathe it twenty-four-seven to the point that the normal world... sort scares the hell oot of you. But this isnae the normal world, is it? It's this other world that I cannae even begin to get. What if we start finding our feet here and realise we suck at being married? Aye, I guess you could call it friends. We trained at the same facility, though she's from a different unit to me. Different specialty. She just got posted to our unit as our medic. Her and a couple of other dudes. We're in one of the most dangerous places, and I do a pretty dangerous job. Medics are usually always on hand. It was just a coincidence we got Eddie. We were mates when we had the time to actually interact. I'm a Sergeant so I spend a lot of my time commanding and controlling. Nay really conducive for social interaction. As for Aidan, I cannae be sure. I've hardly spoken to him since I got to France."

"And you probably don't want to speak to him now," Xander guessed as he raised his eyebrows a little bit. "I can understand the cold feet. Trust me, I really can. And hey, I'd probably be wondering the same thing. But... from what I can see, I don't think Eddie's gonna let you fall from this. She won't let you give up, and I don't think she's about to give up. So I guess it's just if you have faith in her, you got faith in the 'us' part. I don't think there's anything wrong either with just needing the space to be normal. To be away from this kind of a world to just get back into something like your own." He looked at Austin as his eyebrows drew together. "Would you even be alright going back into that sort of a sandy institution after what's happened?"

"I dinnae think I have anything to say to him. I dinnae mind, dinnae seem to get clear enough thoughts together to say much of anything to anyone. It always comes oot feeling like I'm nay making any sense, then I get fucking frustrated because I cannae explain myself. I hate feeling like this. It isnae me. It's like I've had a brain transplant with Paris Hilton or something." Austin rubbed at his forehead in frustration. "I dinnae mind if I want to be normal. That's my whole point. I just dinnae know. I dinnae think I like this sort of life. It doesnae feel like there is any point to it. Eddie wants it, I'm nay sure if I do. She keeps saying... things. I know what she is thinking. And I'm nay allowed back. Nay like this."

Xander sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest as he tried to think it over. He really wasn't going to be much help here, and he knew. He just hoped that keeping Austin talking would maybe relieve some of the pressure he was feeling. Now he wondered if he'd been making him worse. "You really don't need to know much of anything right now. I know I keep asking questions, it's probably annoying, but I'm just trying to understand it all too. I've always just been an only child with a family that didn't even really give a crap. If I had a family I cared about, I really couldn't imagine something like this happening. It would hurt more than anything. I don't think there's any right or wrong answers right now. Just let Eddie know that hey, maybe normal isn't for you. You stop talking, that's when the problems start."

"It's nay annoying. It's actually helping me feel a wee bit more sane. I know you arenae going to go all fangy on me at the drop of a hat." Austin put his hand back down on his chest with a soft sigh. He knew the blood transfusion was tearing him a new one. People didn't realise you had to feel crap with that before the body started feel better. "So, what aboot our Airlie. You going to make an honest lassie of her? Just because she gonna outlive you by, like, a billion years or something doesnae mean she might nay like the big white wedding. She wanted it before, when she was getting aroond with that musician fucker."

Xander's eyes were wide again as he regarded Austin. He realised that he had to give the right answer because he really didn't need any military weaponry pointed at his head, or a Hunter's knife at his throat, or even a pair of new fangs ripping into his throat. He rubbed his hands against his thighs in a nervous gesture before he sat up straight and nodded slowly. "I want to. I do. Only, I gotta get the timing right because I don't want to screw this up. I like being alive. Sure, I'm one eye down, but really... two eyes is overrated."

Austin watched Xander in tired amusement. "Dude, chill. I'm only asking. I'm hardly the one to force you into anything. Especially... Kindred anything. I doubt it's something to be taken fucking lightly. I mean, has she done that... that... bitey mark claim thingo that the Prince dude did to Rory?" he asked uncertaintly, more than aware he didn't know much about this sort of thing or what it all understood. "I mean, that's sort of like committment or some shit, aye?"

Xander shook his head before he smiled a little. "No, she hasn't claimed me. I don't really understand the concept either. I just know it's caused Blaise a hell of a lot of trouble after he claimed Buffy, and I don't really want to mess with Airlie's head. Not that I plan on being away from her at any point in time. I'll go where she goes." He laughed a little before he smiled a little more. "I think it's more to tell the other Kindred to leave what's yours alone. It's the mating that's the real commitment but that can only happen between two Kindred."

"So, um... how often does she... she..." Austin waved his hand a little. Now that the initial shock of what Logan had done to him was dying off a little, he was trying to understand it and wrap his head around it. It wasn't easy, but he kept coming back to the fact that Logan was still his brother, no matter what he had turned into, and he was his brother way before he became Kindred. Way before he even knew about Kindred. "Logan wanted to mate with Aidan. I dinnae get it. It seems intense. Like, way more out there than marriage, and that's hard enough. I dinnae mind why he would do that if he knew he could wake up nay understanding it."

"Because he wanted to be tied to Aidan no matter what," Xander guessed as his face turned serious. "Because if you can't remember the man you love, if there's a chance you wouldn't want them once you woke up... would you risk that? If you were in his shoes, if Eddie was in Aidan's, what would you do? I know it's probably hard to imagine, but think about it like this: you married on a dare because of what you were going to go into, because you didn't want to go into it without having someone. Logan didn't really know what he was in for. This was his wedding dare... only it's a Kindred marriage." Xander tapped his neck as he looked at Austin. "And for the record it's every couple days. Any more and she'd be risking my health."

Austin looked up at the ceiling. "Seriously? Nay I wouldnae. I'm the sort to take calculated risks when I know all the possible consequences. When they're planned and mapped oot like a miltiary operation. But I'm a soldier. If there was a chance I wouldnae like the guy, I wouldnae risk being tied to him for hundreds of years. But Logan was always more of a risk-taker than I was. He was always one to act on hunches, on gut instinct. And I cannae believe I keeping talking aboot him in past tense. It's a mind fuck. I... I guess he was just acting on gut instinct this time. I cannae even begin to know what he was going through in those last days. I think he knew he was dying. I think he knew when he sent that text he was right near the end. He just... he doesnae seem happy. Was any of this worth it?" He met Austin's gaze. "Do you like it?"

Xander flicked his tongue over his lips as he wet them before he ruffled his hair. "He loved Aidan. Sometimes people do crazy things for love. Or because of love." He thought about Buffy and all the stupid things she'd done for Angel, but he knew that it was going to be nothing compared to what she would do for Blaise if she had even an inkling that he loved her back. He also knew he'd do plenty of dumb things for Airlie given the chance. Not the least of which occurred the other night when he tried to serenade her in his pajamas. "He's trying to come to terms with who he is now. I don't think happiness will come into it just yet. Not now, especially not right after he attacked you. He needs time. Even Airlie wasn't happy with herself when I first met her. She wiped my memory out of fear the first time she fed from me." His lips twitched in a small smile, shaking his head because no matter what he would never be able to remember it. "Yeah, I do. I didn't think I would, but I do. I don't know how to explain it... I'm giving her something she needs, wants."

"It wasnae just crazy, though. It was his life. It was becoming something he didnae know or understand, and I have this sick feeling in my gut he did it because he didnae want to hurt everyone he was leaving behind. He does shit like that. And I think now he's left with the consequences he doesnae understand and he's... he's lost. And he's doing shit like hurting me and nay even knowing it's me to stop. I could've died. It's just... I dinnae mind it." Austin mumbled. He was rubbing his face again. "What if I can never get to a place like you are and just... accept it? I lose everything."

Xander's eyebrows drew together as he leaned forward again to catch Austin's gaze. "Lose everything? Why? If you can't accept it, then you might lose a brother. Again... I don't understand how you could lose anything else."

"Brothers," Austin corrected with a troubled frown. "Rory's going to stick close to Logan. If I walk away, I lose both of them, and everyone connected to both of us. I've already lost my job, I dinnae have a home, my brother dropped dead at my feet, I dinnae even know if I can have kids after half the stuff I went through oot there. You think I just lose a brother oot of this?" He just shook his head.

Xander bit down on his bottom lip as he just looked at Austin sadly. "I'm sorry, I didn't... You'd still have Eddie. I don't hate you either, so I guess there's me." He scratched at his hair again when he started to feel out of his depth. "Do you think that maybe you could accept it if you never got bitten again?"

Austin watched Xander through heavy-lidded eyes. He knew body language when he saw it and this guy was screaming discomfort. "I dinnae mind. He's nay the same person. He looks different, he acts different. He even sounds different. And who can really guarantee me that I willnae get bit again? Nay one will. They always keep saying it's the risk of being in that situation. Dude, you can go. I know all this isnae for the fainthearted. I appreciate the lift, but you can get back to your girl."

Xander smiled in relief out of reflex before he could stop himself. Then he clapped his hand over his mouth briefly as he looked away. He really was going to get himself into trouble. He stood up as he patted Austin's leg, and then pulled a scrap bit of paper out of his pocket. "It has my number on it. I gave it to Eddie as well, but just in case you need to talk to someone. I don't mind listening, really. I just wish I was better at knowing what to say. I think we're all too busy making assumptions about your brother to really give him a chance to find his feet. Can you blame him for being confused?" He offered Austin a slight wave. "Take care, man. I hope your head gets... um, less fucked."