(no subject)
I did a private play session with a guy i know from DCS last night. We have been talking the last couple of weeks and have meet a few times both at parties and for coffee. We set it up and i went off to his place to play. It didn't turn out so well though. Not sure what it was. maybe my head just wasn't into it. The scene started out okay, it just didn't end so well. I suppose half way through, about the time his hand became harder than any paddle I've ever felt, is when it started. My thoughts turned to different things, and the only one that really stuck in it was this isn't right, this isnt what i wanted.
I'm not sure sometimes what i want when it comes to play, it just seems that i feel more comfortable playing at a private play party verus private play at someones house.
Back to my feels, not sure really. During the play i just felt confused, like i was suppose to be playing with someone else other hand him. It just had a big feeling of not being right. I can explain it better than that.
I suppose it didn't really help the guy was looking for a relationship, that I'm just not ready for anymore. My mind has been hitting the idea around all day. and it came across a thought that i had last night. During the session, at the very end, it got to one point were i just couldn't take it anymore and i started crying. Now I'm really not the sorta person to cry, so for me to cry takes a lot. anyways, the thought string started with i want this, but not with him. Who do i want it with then? Names started going through my thoughts, Lani, Jer, Dave ,Mr. Meanie, Lee. I had a list of people in my head who don't mind crying in front of, just not the guy i was playing with.
this morning when i woke up i felt confused about everything, i still do to a degree. I did manage to find out what keyed me off from the session as a whole though, and it was the D/S side of it. I'm not ready to play in the D/S realm again, at least not just yet. Impact play is as far as i can go and feel comfy. Thats why the parties are attractive to me right now. At the parties i can be my bratty old self, i can be carefree, and not worry about whats going on, at least for a short time.
I'm not sure sometimes what i want when it comes to play, it just seems that i feel more comfortable playing at a private play party verus private play at someones house.
Back to my feels, not sure really. During the play i just felt confused, like i was suppose to be playing with someone else other hand him. It just had a big feeling of not being right. I can explain it better than that.
I suppose it didn't really help the guy was looking for a relationship, that I'm just not ready for anymore. My mind has been hitting the idea around all day. and it came across a thought that i had last night. During the session, at the very end, it got to one point were i just couldn't take it anymore and i started crying. Now I'm really not the sorta person to cry, so for me to cry takes a lot. anyways, the thought string started with i want this, but not with him. Who do i want it with then? Names started going through my thoughts, Lani, Jer, Dave ,Mr. Meanie, Lee. I had a list of people in my head who don't mind crying in front of, just not the guy i was playing with.
this morning when i woke up i felt confused about everything, i still do to a degree. I did manage to find out what keyed me off from the session as a whole though, and it was the D/S side of it. I'm not ready to play in the D/S realm again, at least not just yet. Impact play is as far as i can go and feel comfy. Thats why the parties are attractive to me right now. At the parties i can be my bratty old self, i can be carefree, and not worry about whats going on, at least for a short time.