(no subject)
So I'm not at home. Right? Im living at college right now, which is alright... but I miss my friends at home. I've developed depression (ooh. fun. so much fun.)
anyways. some of my crew got busted for meth about 2 1/2 months ago. so everyone pretty much quit doing speed as much as we were.
Me, i hadn't done any for a few weeks when they got busted... so, for me, its been three months since i've touched any. and frankly, i feel like I should stay here. Stay without it, because its nothing but a bunch of bullshit. The dope game is a bunch of bullshit.
i was whining about wanting to be out of the game right after I got in. Of course, it was fun. Exciting. All that it was, it still is. But i'm out of the dope game right now- things are going on at home that I can't be a part of since i'm so far away.
anyway, a big speed cook/dealer from 2 years back just got out of jail. so what is he up to?
you got it.
and now my friends are doin dope again.
sigh.
I don't want to go back for thanksgiving or christmas because of the pressure, and the presence of speed. I had the worst dream about it last night.
My best friend in the world is the one who got me started on the shit. He is... how do we say it... he's beautiful.
We were at another friends' party, and everyone was doing speed except me. Everyone was trying and trying to get me to do it but I said no, i held my ground throughout the night, even to my best friend. Later, I go to the bathroom, and my best friend comes up to me and holds this foil in front of my face and is like, "come on babe... just smoke this foil with me. please..." I said no. He says 'babe... please??" and smiles and brushes the hair from my face. I hold my stone-cold face and say no, then he holds the foil up in front of my face and starts kissing my neck, and my face, and saying 'please... please just smoke a foil with me...' then continues kissing my neck and playing with my hair with his free hand. "it will make you so happy... you are unhappy right now. You're depressed... babe... just smoke it with me, you'll be so happy... you can be as happy as I am right now. We can be happy together like we used to be..." staring into my eyes and toying with my hair.
And he is one person I cannot say no to. I said yes, of course, and smoked the foil with him. And another. And another. In this dream, I could actually feel how beautiful I felt smoking with him, staring into his eyes as I took each hit... i felt content, and happy, and I cried as I was smoking because it brought back the beauty of my "snowy" summer.
That dream was so scary. It was good, as it was terrible, because I can see that happening and I can see myself reacting in the exact way.
And it scares me.
anyways. some of my crew got busted for meth about 2 1/2 months ago. so everyone pretty much quit doing speed as much as we were.
Me, i hadn't done any for a few weeks when they got busted... so, for me, its been three months since i've touched any. and frankly, i feel like I should stay here. Stay without it, because its nothing but a bunch of bullshit. The dope game is a bunch of bullshit.
i was whining about wanting to be out of the game right after I got in. Of course, it was fun. Exciting. All that it was, it still is. But i'm out of the dope game right now- things are going on at home that I can't be a part of since i'm so far away.
anyway, a big speed cook/dealer from 2 years back just got out of jail. so what is he up to?
you got it.
and now my friends are doin dope again.
sigh.
I don't want to go back for thanksgiving or christmas because of the pressure, and the presence of speed. I had the worst dream about it last night.
My best friend in the world is the one who got me started on the shit. He is... how do we say it... he's beautiful.
We were at another friends' party, and everyone was doing speed except me. Everyone was trying and trying to get me to do it but I said no, i held my ground throughout the night, even to my best friend. Later, I go to the bathroom, and my best friend comes up to me and holds this foil in front of my face and is like, "come on babe... just smoke this foil with me. please..." I said no. He says 'babe... please??" and smiles and brushes the hair from my face. I hold my stone-cold face and say no, then he holds the foil up in front of my face and starts kissing my neck, and my face, and saying 'please... please just smoke a foil with me...' then continues kissing my neck and playing with my hair with his free hand. "it will make you so happy... you are unhappy right now. You're depressed... babe... just smoke it with me, you'll be so happy... you can be as happy as I am right now. We can be happy together like we used to be..." staring into my eyes and toying with my hair.
And he is one person I cannot say no to. I said yes, of course, and smoked the foil with him. And another. And another. In this dream, I could actually feel how beautiful I felt smoking with him, staring into his eyes as I took each hit... i felt content, and happy, and I cried as I was smoking because it brought back the beauty of my "snowy" summer.
That dream was so scary. It was good, as it was terrible, because I can see that happening and I can see myself reacting in the exact way.
And it scares me.