I Have A Vision
A night or two ago I had a dream where some smartass decided to turn into a fucking zombie werewolf. Of course, he was naturally an inconsiderate jerk, so everyone else he bit also turned into a goddam zombie werewolf. So, we had all these hideous zombie werewolves running all over the goddam place, and, yeah, I do take it personally. One of them tries to bite me but he misses or something, and that must have been the case because everyone thought I was a zombie but I wasn't biting anyone. One of the wolves said "Hey man, what gives? Why aren't you biting anyone?" and I was all like "Yeah, yeah, I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it." But I wasn't getting to it. I didn't want to bite anyone. Maybe I was a werewolf, but just a really sqeemish one. Anyway, eventually the whole world is crawling with zombie werewolves, no thanks to yours truly, and everyone is walking around with these enormous fangs and they all looked a bit hairier. It was sort of scary, but not really. I don't know what we all did after we all became wolves. We probably just got really bored.
Last night I had a vision of my personal utopia. In my perfect world, no one eats together. This is because I hate the sound of people eating. I don't even like the sound of myself eating. So, in my world, eating is right up there with going to the bathroom - done in private, out of sight, out of mind. When people have dinner parties, the host makes a nice dinner and brings it into the dining room, wher all of the guest are, but instead of there being a table with eight chairs around it, there's a small table in the center of the room surrounded by eight phone-booth-like cylinders. Everyone takes a plate, serves themselves, chatting and all that shit, and then each person claims a booth, goes inside, closes the door, and starts eating. The booths are opaque and sound-proof, so you don't have to listen to people eat or watch their awful table manners. Inside the booth is a small flip-down tray to eat on and a piece of pretentious artwork fastened to the wall, as well as a small sink, some toothpaste, and a toothbrush and floss to use BEFORE you exit the booth at the end of the meal. There is also a computer screen and a keyboard so that the dinner conversation can continue via instant message. So it's just like eating with people, only you don't have to see them or hear them. If you want to toast glasses, the host coordinates the toast with the toast emoticon ( ">-|" ) and then everyone fastens their drink to a long dowel rod located in the rear of the booth. A small trap door opens in the front of the booth and each person feeds his or her beverage, attached to the rod, though the trap door, and the eight glasses thus meet in the center of the room. The toast is concluded in an efficient manner; not unnecessary chit-chat. When the meal is over, everyone comes out of the booths and goes back to the more collective parts of the evening. Now, I know many of you think this is a great idea, but I am also sure there are some skeptics and dissenters. Well, if you want eat with people and actually see each other eat, I suppose you could go out into the country and have what primitive people called a "picnic," where they ate outside (how uncivilized), be my guest, but just don't tell me about it because I might just barf.
I can't wait to go back to Ann Arbor tomorrow. Maybe I'll see some of you there.
W.
Last night I had a vision of my personal utopia. In my perfect world, no one eats together. This is because I hate the sound of people eating. I don't even like the sound of myself eating. So, in my world, eating is right up there with going to the bathroom - done in private, out of sight, out of mind. When people have dinner parties, the host makes a nice dinner and brings it into the dining room, wher all of the guest are, but instead of there being a table with eight chairs around it, there's a small table in the center of the room surrounded by eight phone-booth-like cylinders. Everyone takes a plate, serves themselves, chatting and all that shit, and then each person claims a booth, goes inside, closes the door, and starts eating. The booths are opaque and sound-proof, so you don't have to listen to people eat or watch their awful table manners. Inside the booth is a small flip-down tray to eat on and a piece of pretentious artwork fastened to the wall, as well as a small sink, some toothpaste, and a toothbrush and floss to use BEFORE you exit the booth at the end of the meal. There is also a computer screen and a keyboard so that the dinner conversation can continue via instant message. So it's just like eating with people, only you don't have to see them or hear them. If you want to toast glasses, the host coordinates the toast with the toast emoticon ( ">-|" ) and then everyone fastens their drink to a long dowel rod located in the rear of the booth. A small trap door opens in the front of the booth and each person feeds his or her beverage, attached to the rod, though the trap door, and the eight glasses thus meet in the center of the room. The toast is concluded in an efficient manner; not unnecessary chit-chat. When the meal is over, everyone comes out of the booths and goes back to the more collective parts of the evening. Now, I know many of you think this is a great idea, but I am also sure there are some skeptics and dissenters. Well, if you want eat with people and actually see each other eat, I suppose you could go out into the country and have what primitive people called a "picnic," where they ate outside (how uncivilized), be my guest, but just don't tell me about it because I might just barf.
I can't wait to go back to Ann Arbor tomorrow. Maybe I'll see some of you there.
W.