to my friends
i don't know this person i have become & to be perfectly honest i don't think i like her. i have obtained habits that i once found irritating in others & worst of all i am secluding myself. i am pushing...no, more blocking. i am blocking so much love, support & friendship because i believe to be undeserving. somewhere there is a pale light gleaming telling me i am worth it. it's an uphill battle that is continually reveling new land mines. when i really think about it i have been silently destroying myself. i felt like i was shouting for help. though, i may have dampened the sound with jokes & smiles.
it's funny when life seems to be at it's best, inside i am most tormented. when things are bad it makes perfect sense to me; i am deserving of all bad things happening. then when things are good, quite possibly the best of my life; i am in a shock & disbelieve, looking for all possible ways to revert back to my dark cold shell of comfort by failure.
anyway what i would like to say to my friends is, i am sorry for the neglect. i have missed out on some pretty incredible things in your lives. i have also shut you out of mine. i know when it's all said & done i will be a better stronger person but i hope i will have you there with me.
i found what i thought to be an unneeded support group that is turning out to be quite incredible. i think for the first time in my life i am learning to not look for a band aide to cover the infection.
it's funny when life seems to be at it's best, inside i am most tormented. when things are bad it makes perfect sense to me; i am deserving of all bad things happening. then when things are good, quite possibly the best of my life; i am in a shock & disbelieve, looking for all possible ways to revert back to my dark cold shell of comfort by failure.
anyway what i would like to say to my friends is, i am sorry for the neglect. i have missed out on some pretty incredible things in your lives. i have also shut you out of mine. i know when it's all said & done i will be a better stronger person but i hope i will have you there with me.
i found what i thought to be an unneeded support group that is turning out to be quite incredible. i think for the first time in my life i am learning to not look for a band aide to cover the infection.