Fic : The Usual Suspects Chapter 8
The Usual Suspects
Chapter 8
Grabbing a chair, Reddington dragged it towards the table. “Deal me in.”
Glen protested. “We already started playing. We're in the middle of a round.”
Marvin pointed out. “Letting you buy in now wouldn't be fair to those of us who have already lost half their shirt.”
“Half your shirt? You're about to go out on the next ante.” Glen gloated.
“Fine.” Sounding as if it was anything but fine, Reddington agreed. “I'll wait until the next buy in.”
Putting down his hat, Reddington moved over to the makeshift bar and started fixing himself a drink. “So Kate, I was thinking a little bit more about you and Shelby.”
Her turn to deal, Mr. Kaplan kept her focus on passing out the cards. “Please don't.”
“Shelby is perfect for you. She's smart. She's funny. She's pretty. She has sass. You like sass. She's a little younger than you, but clearly that's not something you object to. She's -”
Marvin groaned and threw back his head. “- Do you know what I did not miss while in prison?”
“Having to listen to Raymond try to play matchmaker for Mr. K.” Brimley suggested throwing in a few more chips.
“Having to listen to Raymond try to play matchmaker for Mr. Kaplan.” Marvin agreed.
“If you think that's bad - try being the one he's trying to play matchmaker for.” Mr. Kaplan grumbled as she tapped the table to check.
“Really, Kate, Shelby is perfect for you. She even knows about your … hobbies and she is okay with it.”
“My hobbies? Raymond, I wouldn't exactly call cleaning up after you my idea of a hobby and thanks to you, Vanessa knows too.”
“Yes, but with Shelby, if you go out to dinner with her, no one is going to approach the table and tell you how nice it must be to have a granddaughter who makes the time to spend time with you.”
“Raymond, if I'm not bothered by the age difference and she's not bothered by the age difference, why are you?”
“Because I just don't see you being happy with Vanessa long-term.”
“Neither do I, but I'm okay with that because I'm not looking for anything long-term. I don't want anything serious. I just want something very casual.”
“Hit it and quit it. That's what I always say.” Glen chimed in.
“She's just not right for you.” Reddington continued to protest.
“Raymond, don't you think that I might be a better judge of that than you are?”
“No.” Reddington answered immediately and emphatically. “You have terrible taste in women, Kate. Horrible taste. I've been thinking about this for a while and I don't think you should pick your own girlfriends anymore.”
Unable or unwilling to come up with a response, Mr. Kaplan just looked at him.
“I'm not saying you shouldn't have any input into the matter. I'm just saying you should let me curate them for you. I could screen the options, weed out the ones that wouldn't be a good fit and more importantly wouldn't be able to pass a standard police academy psych screening and present you with only the best candidates ...”
Mr. Kaplan looked at Reddington skeptically. “Raymond, not one person sitting at this table would pass a standard psych evaluation.”
“That's not true.” Marvin argued. “We'd all pass - we'd lie our asses off to do it, but we'd all pass.”
Liz was surprised to hear Dembe pipe up hesitantly. “It's not a bad idea, Kate.”
Mr. Kaplan tried to argue. “My taste in women isn't that bad.”
Liz was even more surprised to hear Baz chime in. “No comment.”
Reddington added. “Kate, I'm not saying that when Baz has his men run training exercises he has them use a mock up of one of your ex-girlfriend's apartment layouts, but I'm also not saying that he doesn't.”
Mr. Kaplan turned to Baz who suddenly looked very interested in his cards.
Even Brimley got in on it. “The seven happiest days of my life were the day I met the second Mrs. Brimley, the day each of my four daughters were born, the day I bought my boat, the day I sold my boat and the day you broke my daughter's heart by turning her away telling her you didn't think of her that way. A man knows he raised his daughter right when you have no interest in her.”
Mr. Kaplan rolled her eyes.
“That's eight days.” Abraham pointed out.
“During labor with my third daughter, my wife told me I had to get rid of my boat. The doctor who delivered her bought the boat.”
Glen asked. “Your wife made you get rid of your boat with number three? What did she make you get rid of with number four?”
Brimley made the fingers of one hand into scissors and mimed going snip, snip.
All the men winced.
Turning to Reddington, Mr. Kaplan asked. “Are you done?”
“I had one about keeping animal tranquilizer darts in the trunk, but I can keep it locked and loaded for next time.”
At last Mr. Kaplan hit back. “Raymond, why would I or anyone for that matter let you play matchmaker for them?
Reddington sounded offended. “What's that suppose to mean?”
“You did such a wonderful job selecting a boyfriend for Elizabeth.”
“Tom? I didn't hire Tom to be her boyfriend. He was just suppose to be her friend … who was a boy.”
“What's wrong with Tom?” Liz wasn't happy to get dragged into the conversation.
“Shall we start and end with he's given you a concussion on more than one occasion? Or do you want to hear more?” Mr. Kaplan asked.
Turning back to Reddington, Mr. Kaplan told him. “You are really making much more out of this than you need to. I already told you - it's nothing serious. It's very casual.”
“I wish it were that simple, Kate, but with you it never is. You have a tendency to bring out the crazy in women, Kate. You're like catnip for crazy women. You're Katenip.”
“Mr. Kaplan brings out the crazy in women.” After having spent the evening with Reddington trying to chase down Mr. Kaplan, it was all Liz could do not to snort. “Just women.”
“Kate, the first time I met Vanessa she pulled a gun on me. She made Dembe tie me to a chair.”
“Raymond, you broke into her apartment. She had never met you. She didn't know who you were.”
“She wasn't home. Dembe and I let ourselves in and sat on her living room furniture to wait for her. What was I suppose to do? Wait on her doorstep? In case you have forgotten - I'm on the FBI's Most Wanted list.”
Mr. Kaplan wasn't impressed. “Maybe you'll think next time before letting yourself into a woman's apartment unannounced.”
Reddington accepted some culpability. “I admit, this situation is partially my fault. I don't know what I was thinking sending you to meet with Vanessa. She's high maintenance, she's homicidal, and she's gorgeous. She checks every one of your boxes.”
Liz raised an eyebrow because that description - well maybe not gorgeous exactly - fit Reddington himself.
She glanced at Mr. Kaplan, but she seemed to be ignoring Reddington. Or at least trying to.
Reddington tried to get the conversation back on track - his track. “But enough about Vanessa. Let's talk about Shelby. Shelby really likes you. Why won't you even consider the idea of dating her?”
Mr. Kaplan denied the obvious. “Shelby does not like me.”
Reddington protested. “Shelby has a thing for you. Shelby has always had a thing for you!”
Liz felt a little bad about ganging up on Mr. Kaplan, but she had to agree. “Shelby has a thing for you.”
Even Marvin piled on. “She saves the last piece of pie for you. I don't even do that for Becky.”
Mr. Kaplan was not looking happy to be the current topic of conversation.
“Raymond ...” It was Mr. Brimley who put an end to Reddington shipping Mr. Kaplan and Shelby ... at least temporarily. “ … you do realize that when it's over none of us can ever go back there to the diner again. Ever.”
His finished drink in hand and a bit of a pout on his face, Reddington sat back down.
Trying to change the subject for Mr. Kaplan's sake, Liz turned to Reddington's plastic surgeon and asked. “So what kind of work has Reddington had done?”
Dr. Maltz scoffed. “A better question would be what hasn't he had done.”
“Hey! How about a little doctor patient confidentiality!” Reddington protested.
As Reddington turned away, Abraham whispered. “I'm particularly proud of the cheek implants I did for him.”
Liz looked at Reddington's cheeks. She wasn't seeing it. As if reading her thoughts, Abraham added. “Other cheeks.”
“No!” Liz laughed.
“You ever think of getting a little work done?” Abraham tapped his own nose in a suggestive manner.
Liz wasn't laughing anymore. Her hand instinctively went to her nose. “No!”
tbc