Nervous...
Today, Wednesday, after I go to school and come home and clean and do laundry, I have to go to a gallery opening at my school... And two things I have made are in it><. I've never had this sort of thing happen, and while it's just a school event, I'm really nervous. I've never done this kind of thing. When I was in highschool, I was really afraid to do anything like this.
You know, I don't really have any perception of whether or not I'm 'good', and I really wonder if I'm one of those people who... people will look at the things I submitted and thing, "Why? What was he thinking?"
And the fact of the matter is... I'm not particularly self conscious of my art. I don't care if it's good or bad because I work hard to learn and improve. What I'm self conscious about is myself.
I feel like people, after being around me for a while, probably look at me and thing, "What's wrong with that person?" As I was growing up, that was so often said about me and to me. I know I was different, I know I had no sense of other people thinking what a strange little person I was, and it was really in the last years of school that I realised that, and it really made me feel awful...
I tried to take everything about myself and hide it away... I wanted to become invisible so people wouldn't look at me and think... what a retard and a freak I am. Anything 'unique' about me, I got rid of or hid. Any opinions I had, I would keep to myself, knowing that if I said something, someone would be there to make me feel like an idiot. Hell, if I slip up and say anything, that still happens, now. I'm such an easy target.
Now that I think back on that, it makes me sad. I really made myself very boring and plain because I was so afraid and embarrassed. I knew it was coming; someone was going to say this or that, perhaps not even meaning anything mean by it. But I used to have all of these things about myself that really did make me happy...
It's just that most people think those things are lame or... what have you.
Well, I like lame things, you know? What can I say. I used to like to dress 'fun' and all kinds of stuff like that. Now I'd never even think of wearing anything but my pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a hoodie or sweater on top. After all, guys aren't supposed to dress 'cute', right?
What it all boils down to is that I'm afraid of anyone looking at me and seeing anything but the invisible retard. By putting art in some kind of gallery... people are going to see that. See those things that are inside me that I want to hide... And you know, it's one thing putting them on dA where people who are watching me like what I do to some degree. It's another to go out into the big scary world and put up something really personal for people to judge.
You know that one thing I painted?
It's about that 'thing' that's wrong with me. And it terrifies me that I submitted it. Literally, it's like it's coming from inside of me... Well, maybe I'm just being stupid. I feel this way a little bit any time I have to go where other people can see me.
I really wish I were invisible sometimes, so why am I doing this? How did Masao talk himself into this... when he really just wants to live in the TV and internet world><.
You know, I don't really have any perception of whether or not I'm 'good', and I really wonder if I'm one of those people who... people will look at the things I submitted and thing, "Why? What was he thinking?"
And the fact of the matter is... I'm not particularly self conscious of my art. I don't care if it's good or bad because I work hard to learn and improve. What I'm self conscious about is myself.
I feel like people, after being around me for a while, probably look at me and thing, "What's wrong with that person?" As I was growing up, that was so often said about me and to me. I know I was different, I know I had no sense of other people thinking what a strange little person I was, and it was really in the last years of school that I realised that, and it really made me feel awful...
I tried to take everything about myself and hide it away... I wanted to become invisible so people wouldn't look at me and think... what a retard and a freak I am. Anything 'unique' about me, I got rid of or hid. Any opinions I had, I would keep to myself, knowing that if I said something, someone would be there to make me feel like an idiot. Hell, if I slip up and say anything, that still happens, now. I'm such an easy target.
Now that I think back on that, it makes me sad. I really made myself very boring and plain because I was so afraid and embarrassed. I knew it was coming; someone was going to say this or that, perhaps not even meaning anything mean by it. But I used to have all of these things about myself that really did make me happy...
It's just that most people think those things are lame or... what have you.
Well, I like lame things, you know? What can I say. I used to like to dress 'fun' and all kinds of stuff like that. Now I'd never even think of wearing anything but my pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a hoodie or sweater on top. After all, guys aren't supposed to dress 'cute', right?
What it all boils down to is that I'm afraid of anyone looking at me and seeing anything but the invisible retard. By putting art in some kind of gallery... people are going to see that. See those things that are inside me that I want to hide... And you know, it's one thing putting them on dA where people who are watching me like what I do to some degree. It's another to go out into the big scary world and put up something really personal for people to judge.
You know that one thing I painted?
It's about that 'thing' that's wrong with me. And it terrifies me that I submitted it. Literally, it's like it's coming from inside of me... Well, maybe I'm just being stupid. I feel this way a little bit any time I have to go where other people can see me.
I really wish I were invisible sometimes, so why am I doing this? How did Masao talk himself into this... when he really just wants to live in the TV and internet world><.