(no subject)
I haven't posted in this thing in forever.
The only reason I'm posting in it now, is because, quite frankly, it's the only place I could think of where I could get my thoughts out there, be as melodramatic as I want, and have it visible, yet, in a place where no one will ever think to look. Sort of like... Mailing a letter to nobody in particular, just because someone MIGHT take the time to read, but you don't care whether or not they do. Anyway, moving on.
I've got thoughts bouncing about in my head, all the time. I don't know what I'm doing in my life, and that bothers me to no end. I'm still living in the house with this old lady, I'm unemployed going on 2 years now, and I'm still single. The single part wouldn't bother me so much if I weren't constantly bombarded about the fact that I am single. The media is shoving it down my throat- Couples this, couples that- and I'm not a couple at all. It definitely doesn't help that I have a penchant for watching "girly" anime- where the guy always gets the girl, has girls fighting over him, or vice-versa. And it definitely doesn't help that Doctor Who is always going on about his companions, dreading being alone. Problem is, I'm not a time-travelling humanoid alien with a dapper style and enough intelligence to run the entire planet- i'm just some fat guy living in the den of an old lady's house with practically nothing to offer anyone.
What bugs me the most, though, is that I once believed I had a chance with a special girl from Louisiana. She visited me once. Everything was fantastic. Some things went down and I moved to Georgia, effectively tripling the amount of time it would have taken for this girl to come visit me, and of course, since I've always been in the same situation no matter where I am, I never had the money even once to go visit her. She broke it off and moved on like it never meant a thing to her, and here I am, almost 2 years later, still pining for her, even after swearing her off. I moved back to Florida, I fought tooth and nail to find a way back here. Why? Because I thought it'd make it easier for she and I to have a relationship together. But she's in college. She meets college guys. That one guy from florida whom thinks the world of her and would give anything to be with her doesn't mean shit to her. I hate realizing that I'm just someone's memory, and I can't do a damn thing to change that. The worst part about it? She has no idea I'm thinking about her. And, to top it off, there's not even any girls on the radar that I'd have any sort of chance with. They're either too good, or I'm too shy. Am I picky? I'd think I'd have a right to be... after the last girl, anyway. I dated someone who set the bar far too high.
I'm trying to lose weight. Eating lightly, getting out of the house, walking, doing things.. nothing's helping. I'll lose 2-3 pounds here and there, but I'll gain it back the moment I look in the direction of these depression-era dishes this old lady likes to fix. Rice, beans, sauce, and hamburger meat, prepared 50 different ways. I thought rice was supposed to be a "healthy" dish? Ah, well. In any case, I'm planning to make a lot of changes here soon. No more fast foods, no more sodas- diet or otherwise- and some sort of steady exercise regimen. But the exercise takes money and that's my segway to the next paragraph.
I was offered a job by a pastor, working for a car/moving van rental place. Money's not fantastic but it'll keep me busy, get me out of the house, and give me some sort of purpose other than staring at a computer screen and seeing how high of a level I can get this next character before my gaming ADD breaks out and I have to move to a different game. I tried to make some sort of money by doing computer work, advertised on craigslist, but none of that panned out- I got about 4 appointments, then nothing. I figured out why, though. Licensed businesses advertising on Craigslist, at the exact same flat-rate I was charging. If I dropped my rates, it wouldn't be worth the gas to go to and from Destin and Crestview to fix computers.. it's senseless.
My parents got the inheritance money from my grandmother. They moved, bought a lot of new stuff, and haven't spoken to me since. Im not trying to sound greedy. My grandmother promised me enough money to actually go to college and make a name for myself. She was the one person in my life that always told me I could be anything I wanted to be, and if I had a passion for something I should pursue it. Unfortunately she never got a chance to see me once I grew up. She was bedridden and put in a hospital before I was ever out of high school, and she died in 2008, not two days after I visited her and held her hand. She told me once that she would take care of me if I ever needed anything... and my mother and her husband took that away from me. They'd rather spend it on a bunch of fluff and junk than to help out their son, that ACTUALLY needs a little bit of help.
Right now, my life consists of this.
1)wake up in the morning
2)check emails and messages to see if anyone's responded to computer work ads
3)check on old lady, see if she needs anything
4)get in van, go run errands for old lady
5)get home, clean house, play computer games
5a)occasionally find a reason to go hang out with people
6)sleep til the next day
It's slightly ludicrous. I'm bored of this life I life, and I need to find something to change it. I hope this job comes through. It'd be... very beneficial. As it stands right now, this trudging boredom is whittling away at my life... I'm 24, for god's sake. I should be with a girl, starting some sort of a life, or going to college and getting a better education... Working in a cubicle for a multinational company... Something. I never thought I'd have sunk so low in my life as to be here. I'm almost a quarter-century old. My nephew is a junior in high school. He's driving a car.
I'm grown up.
And I'm a failure at life.
That silly old lady on that commercial was strangely prophetic. Did you ever see the signs?
The product was called Life Alert. And she'd fallen, and can't get up.
That's about where I'm at.
And I don't know where to go from here.
The only reason I'm posting in it now, is because, quite frankly, it's the only place I could think of where I could get my thoughts out there, be as melodramatic as I want, and have it visible, yet, in a place where no one will ever think to look. Sort of like... Mailing a letter to nobody in particular, just because someone MIGHT take the time to read, but you don't care whether or not they do. Anyway, moving on.
I've got thoughts bouncing about in my head, all the time. I don't know what I'm doing in my life, and that bothers me to no end. I'm still living in the house with this old lady, I'm unemployed going on 2 years now, and I'm still single. The single part wouldn't bother me so much if I weren't constantly bombarded about the fact that I am single. The media is shoving it down my throat- Couples this, couples that- and I'm not a couple at all. It definitely doesn't help that I have a penchant for watching "girly" anime- where the guy always gets the girl, has girls fighting over him, or vice-versa. And it definitely doesn't help that Doctor Who is always going on about his companions, dreading being alone. Problem is, I'm not a time-travelling humanoid alien with a dapper style and enough intelligence to run the entire planet- i'm just some fat guy living in the den of an old lady's house with practically nothing to offer anyone.
What bugs me the most, though, is that I once believed I had a chance with a special girl from Louisiana. She visited me once. Everything was fantastic. Some things went down and I moved to Georgia, effectively tripling the amount of time it would have taken for this girl to come visit me, and of course, since I've always been in the same situation no matter where I am, I never had the money even once to go visit her. She broke it off and moved on like it never meant a thing to her, and here I am, almost 2 years later, still pining for her, even after swearing her off. I moved back to Florida, I fought tooth and nail to find a way back here. Why? Because I thought it'd make it easier for she and I to have a relationship together. But she's in college. She meets college guys. That one guy from florida whom thinks the world of her and would give anything to be with her doesn't mean shit to her. I hate realizing that I'm just someone's memory, and I can't do a damn thing to change that. The worst part about it? She has no idea I'm thinking about her. And, to top it off, there's not even any girls on the radar that I'd have any sort of chance with. They're either too good, or I'm too shy. Am I picky? I'd think I'd have a right to be... after the last girl, anyway. I dated someone who set the bar far too high.
I'm trying to lose weight. Eating lightly, getting out of the house, walking, doing things.. nothing's helping. I'll lose 2-3 pounds here and there, but I'll gain it back the moment I look in the direction of these depression-era dishes this old lady likes to fix. Rice, beans, sauce, and hamburger meat, prepared 50 different ways. I thought rice was supposed to be a "healthy" dish? Ah, well. In any case, I'm planning to make a lot of changes here soon. No more fast foods, no more sodas- diet or otherwise- and some sort of steady exercise regimen. But the exercise takes money and that's my segway to the next paragraph.
I was offered a job by a pastor, working for a car/moving van rental place. Money's not fantastic but it'll keep me busy, get me out of the house, and give me some sort of purpose other than staring at a computer screen and seeing how high of a level I can get this next character before my gaming ADD breaks out and I have to move to a different game. I tried to make some sort of money by doing computer work, advertised on craigslist, but none of that panned out- I got about 4 appointments, then nothing. I figured out why, though. Licensed businesses advertising on Craigslist, at the exact same flat-rate I was charging. If I dropped my rates, it wouldn't be worth the gas to go to and from Destin and Crestview to fix computers.. it's senseless.
My parents got the inheritance money from my grandmother. They moved, bought a lot of new stuff, and haven't spoken to me since. Im not trying to sound greedy. My grandmother promised me enough money to actually go to college and make a name for myself. She was the one person in my life that always told me I could be anything I wanted to be, and if I had a passion for something I should pursue it. Unfortunately she never got a chance to see me once I grew up. She was bedridden and put in a hospital before I was ever out of high school, and she died in 2008, not two days after I visited her and held her hand. She told me once that she would take care of me if I ever needed anything... and my mother and her husband took that away from me. They'd rather spend it on a bunch of fluff and junk than to help out their son, that ACTUALLY needs a little bit of help.
Right now, my life consists of this.
1)wake up in the morning
2)check emails and messages to see if anyone's responded to computer work ads
3)check on old lady, see if she needs anything
4)get in van, go run errands for old lady
5)get home, clean house, play computer games
5a)occasionally find a reason to go hang out with people
6)sleep til the next day
It's slightly ludicrous. I'm bored of this life I life, and I need to find something to change it. I hope this job comes through. It'd be... very beneficial. As it stands right now, this trudging boredom is whittling away at my life... I'm 24, for god's sake. I should be with a girl, starting some sort of a life, or going to college and getting a better education... Working in a cubicle for a multinational company... Something. I never thought I'd have sunk so low in my life as to be here. I'm almost a quarter-century old. My nephew is a junior in high school. He's driving a car.
I'm grown up.
And I'm a failure at life.
That silly old lady on that commercial was strangely prophetic. Did you ever see the signs?
The product was called Life Alert. And she'd fallen, and can't get up.
That's about where I'm at.
And I don't know where to go from here.