Variations On A Theme Chp 3/4
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Summary: Kara sleeps with Laura instead of Baltar the night of the Colonial Day celebration.
Beta: fragrantwoods
Notes: I was going to wait until after the big bangs had been posted to keep going, but I think I need to distract myself from the fact mine isn't ready to post.
Kara bumped into something, but she didn't stop dressing. The crammed room that held Sam's bed was barely lit by the moon through the tiny half window near the ceiling, and there was plenty to trip on. She knew he was awake and watching her, and pretending like it was otherwise was just stupid. She was glad he wasn't speaking. Glad he wasn't asking her why she was leaving.
She didn't regret sleeping with him, it hadn't been half bad either, but she didn't need anymore morning afters. The last one she had left a twisted, bitter taste in her mouth. Well, the morning that continued after the morning after had- which just added to a great deal of confusion.
Fully dressed but holding her boots in one hand, Kara slipped out into the hall. The high school didn't really look like a school anymore, crammed full of supplies and refugees. Armed guards nodded at their posts and didn't notice when she passed them. Fear might have kept them alive up until that point, but she knew they felt safe within their walls, and that was a mistake.
She stopped by a row of lockers to tug on her boots, not liking the way the cold seeped into her feet through her socks. She had enough of cold in space.
Someone on patrol shuffled past her, and she kept her eyes on them until they disappeared around a corner. Frakkin' Cylons could just walk into this place, and as long as they stayed quiet no one would notice that they were there. Sam was right. They did need help.
She continued to the cafeteria, trying to remember if hers had looked remotely similar. She couldn't really remember much of high school. There was a lot of yelling, and she mainly spent her time on the pyramid court. The wall length of windows, no matter how the resistance had covered and bordered them, made her uneasy. With her eyes on them she was halfway into the room before she noticed she wasn't alone.
Helo was at the end of one of the long folding tables. She moved towards him, and she thought she might have seen him smile at her approach. She slid onto the bench right next to him, making him move over to give her room.
He laughed at that, though it was a quiet sound. "Hey Starbuck."
"Hey."
He didn't ask where she'd disappeared to after dinner. He had eyes.
"Couldn't sleep?" She looked down onto the table, some kid had scratched 'frak you' in pen on it. There was a blob next to it that might have been a hand giving the world the finger.
"Still not that used to all these people. Been... alone so long, it's weird."
Alone. Except he really hadn't been. "Yeah."
"Why couldn't you sleep?"
She leaned against his side, resting her head on his shoulder. Why hadn't she? She probably could have left Sam's bed in the morning without any fuss, or silly notions. Without coffee and tea. "You ever really frak up?"
Kara felt him shake as he laughed again. "Yeah. I've really frakked up."
"You ever really frak up and then wonder if it was really a frak up?"
She felt him look at her, but she didn't lift her head. "You know I have." When she didn't say anything, he put an arm around her. "What's this about, Kara?"
If she didn't say anything, he wouldn't press. Kara liked that, she could sit here quiet until the sun came up and he wouldn't say another word. He had asked, because that was what Helo did, but he also knew not to keep asking. Not during the same conversation anyway. Which meant his nagging could spread across weeks and months because he would only ask once and wait before asking again, and he would ask again. Kara didn't want him to nag her that long.
"I'm not supposed to be here." And that was only half the problem.
How was she supposed to go back? After she'd jumped away from the Old Man. After he'd lied so badly. After Laura had asked- or was it ordered?- her to do something against him? She wasn't a model of discipline, but this was different, there was no pretending otherwise. And that was just the half she was willing to think about.
She needed to stop dwelling on a good night and a strange morning.
"Then go back to bed."
"On Caprica, you idiot."
"I know."
Of course he knew. She told him back at her apartment. About everything except Laura. "I'm not sure about going back." Saying that out loud, suddenly she knew it was true. Not only did it seem impossible, she just wasn't sure. The 'how' was all mixed up in a 'why why why' now.
"You're going back."
"How do you know?"
"That's what you do when you make a promise."
She hadn't made any promises, hadn't wanted to believe Laura; and then the Old Man couldn't look her in the eyes, and she'd told herself-
-she'd told herself...
What had it been?
"And you never back down from a challenge either, Starbuck."
She wouldn't back down. What did she have left when her faith in someone so important was broken? When something she would have bet above her own ability in the cockpit, something sure as stone, was finally showed as flawed? What did she have left but one other person's faith, their belief she would not back down? There was no way Laura could have predicted what would happen the next day. Could not have known she would need the raider. Would she have still come to her if they had not frakked? Would it have been easier? Harder? Would it have made any difference at all?
Would it have made any difference to Kara?
"Never backing down from a challenge. That's gotten me into hack before." Challenges, and people who needed to learn they weren't so high up as to be unable to be brought down by her fist.
"And a concussion after jumping off a roof, if I remember."
Had she shared that story with Laura? Was that why she had laughed? "You said you didn't."
"Oh, then I guess I don't remember that party."
She jabbed at him with her elbow, but it missed its mark and slid across his ribs. "You're going back with me, aren't you Helo?"
"Of course. What else would I do?"
Run after the woman-Cylon he seemed to be blindly in love with. What would Kara be doing if she went back? Running to what she wanted to be her family, her home? For a woman? To prove that she could accomplish any challenge?
"And why would I decide to avoid another grand Starbuck adventure? You might jump off a roof into another pool."
"Jackass."
He pulled her closer with his arm, squeezing her almost painfully for a moment. It was good to be held. Even without the relived, happy smile and tentative hands.
"If.. if we found her-"
Her. There was only one her for Helo.
"-do you think she would come back with us?"
Not would Kara let her, or was it even a good idea. Would she go. It was better that he asked that. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel about it. There was someone back on Galactica who she had thought was her friend, who was a Cylon. They needed to be told. Would that be enough of a reason to go back? But that wasn't Helo's question, because he knew she would answer truthfully for herself. She was angry, a trust she didn't know was in danger had been broken by someone who wasn't even really there. She would have told him something he did not want to hear if he had asked her if she would let her.
"Yeah." If she was still alive, she would go with him; that was what Helo needed to hear. Not 'as long as she didn't go back to the Cylons'. "She'd go."
"I know it's stupid, but-"
"Shut-up Helo."
"What?"
"I know."
"You know."
She lifted her head from his shoulder, turning on the bench as much as she could to face him. "I know it's stupid, I know it's frakked up. I know." He had frakekd a cylon, she had frakked a president. They were both frakking stupid for thinking something good had to have come from all of it. What good was Sharon's pregnancy? What good were her warm memories of Laura?
He stared back at her, looking for something. "Yeah. You do."
Kara looked away at that. She didn't need to give him anymore reasons to ask about why she had come back to Caprica. Why it would be so hard to go back.
"You know.. despite everything, it's... I'm happy? After staying behind.. I never really thought I'd live that long, and now. Now I might have a family."
If they found her. If she didn't go running back to the Cylons. If they got back and no one killed her.
"I thought I was your family."
"You are."
But it wasn't the same. Not what he wanted.
"And Galactica's your family too. When we get back.." Because they were going back. There was no way she wasn't going to get them back. She finally had a promise to come through on.
"And Anders?"
"What about Anders?" After she spoke Kara could have hit herself. She'd tipped her hand.
"Not Anders."
His voice was too calm. He had realized a long time ago she wasn't talking about Anders. Frakker. He'd been waiting for her to trip herself up.
"No." Kara pushed herself off the bench, keeping her back to Helo.
"Fine. Keep your secrets."
"It's not a frakking secret."
"You want me to keep guessing?"
"No."
"Alright."
"I just.." She had said she wouldn't tell anyone. Laura had been talking about reporters, but still. It was a promise, wasn't it? She had made a promise, just not about the arrow. "It's just stupid okay?" She crossed her arms. "Let's go find some breakfast."
"It's three in the morning."
"Not hungry?" Kara turned back around to face him. He was still sitting.
"I didn't say that."
"Come on then."
-
Kara's side twinged. She clenched her hand until it shook, keeping it from resting against the sutures.
She turned her focus to Helo and Sharon-it?- at work piloting the heavy raider. Despite his awkwardness with the new controls, he had slid into his role as if he had done it a hundred times before. He had. With a different Sharon. The real Sharon?
Frakking Cylons.
Sometimes when they passed each other Helo would rest his hand against her arm, or her shoulder, or her back, each time he did she would smile. Kara looked away every time it happened. These were their moments. Who knew how many more they would have?
Who knew how much time any of them had? She would get thrown in hack the moment they made it back to Galactica, if their ship wasn't shot down first. If the fleet was still there, and hadn't gotten tired of waiting. Would she have given up, left Kara for dead?
Had Laura really believed Kara could accomplish this task, or had she just been desperate?
Could she really have been counting on her?
She had told Anders to count on her. To believe that she would get him and his people off Caprica.
"This is the final jump Starbuck. You ready?"
They were all going to die.
-
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