Ugh more complaining...

[maryxmacabre]

I'm seriously loosing it with this waking up crying from my nightmares. They are getting worse. I hate feeling empty like this. It's not like people don't notice there's something wrong. Dreams should not have this type of effect on my entire day. It's so wrong and distressing. I just want to end the ridiculousness of it. I just want to hurt myself and let the bad thoughts escape through physical wounds. Through blood and vomit. It all goes away then. Or at least to the back of my mind, so new problems can worry me and build up in their place. Just so I can push those back too by doing the same thing to myself. But I can't..for Dave and so my doctor doesn't tell my Mom. That's all I care about. I think it bothers me the most, (my "problems" that is) because I compare them to others and I don't see why mine are so important to me. I wish I didn't care and I wish I weren't so petty. I just don't see why I get so upset over these things, but they play a huge part in my mind. I just don't know. I just hate being upset and not knowing why. Not having control over the nightmares, or myself. I cried at a fucking Downy commercial yesterday.

I just want to not care. I just want the nightmares to end. I don't wish them upon even my worst enemy. I don't want a relapse.