The Incredible Teenage Psychodrama
I've been told a vermillion times that I'm very opinionated and judgmental. I can't deny that I am, but I don't want the following to come across that way. I don't mean this in an "I'm better than you, therefore I know better than you, therefore do what I say" kind of way. I mean this in a "This is what I've seen work and I wish someone’d told me earlier, but either way I'm not perfect at it" way. Yes - the following advice is purely based on my observation of my older sister and two older brothers. I give this advice to you, but not in a judgmental way. Take it or leave it.
On Growing Up
Parents and Independence
When you're a kid, you’re entirely dependent on your parents. When you're an adult, you're entirely independent. When you're a teenager, life sucks. That's basically all there is to it.
The problem, however, is that when you're a teenager, you're constantly trying to find out when you need your parents and when you don't. If you think you have it figured out, be reminded that your results are as accurate as a 7-day weather forecast in Michigan. In general, you're going from dependent to independent, but specifically, you fly all over the place-unpredictably. If the same thing happens twice, you may want your parents one time but not the other time. Or maybe you don’t want them one time but you do want them the other time. You may need your parents but not want them around. You may want them around but they insist you do whatever it is without them. Thing is, you're not the only one trying to find out when you need them. Parents act like they have it all together, but they're as clueless as you are about this. They don't know when you need them and when you want them and when you don't. And sometimes they take the “oh my baby” attitude and don’t want to let you grow up; other times they take the “fly away my chickadee” attitude. (Isn’t that something a parent would say? Chickadee.)
So in the end... You don’t know if you want/need them around. They don’t know if you want/need them around. You don’t know if they want/need you around. They don’t know if they want/need you around.
All I can say is don't push them too far away, because you're going to need them later, and don't force them too close, because you also need your freedom. Make sure you talk to them and are mostly comfortable around them, but also make sure you’re comfortable by yourself. No matter how much you hate them now, you’re going to love them tomorrow.
Parents in General
If you think your parents don't love you as much as they love [insert name of sibling], then you are normal. Everybody feels like that sometimes. Some people feel like that for three years straight; others only for a few specific incidents. Never forget this: Your parents love you more than you think, and you love your parents more than you think. Yes, they are annoying-rarely, occasionally, sometimes, often. They embarrass you. They sing. They’re too picky about chores. They like weird movies and weird music. They stop before the light turns yellow. They're fat. They're skinny. They dress funny. They don't buy you a car, or they buy you a cheap station wagon. But you need them. And they need you.
Imagine yourself twenty or thirty years from now. You're grown up and you have teenage kids. Think about the teenage crap they're going through. How do you want them to act? You don’t have the right to expect any more than you're willing to give your parents. Your kids aren’t going to be perfect, and nobody’s asking you to be perfect. But you don’t have to be an idiot.
Expectations and How to Be Yourself
When you put on your clothes in the morning, how long do you spend deciding what to wear and making sure it looks good? Try this: Put on something completely stupid-looking. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you don't want to wear it to school. Are you afraid of what people think of you? Yeah. Everybody else is, too. But think of the specific people who are going to disapprove or make fun of you. Parents? Friends? Losers? Snobs? Crushes? Why do they disapprove? Is their opinion important to you? Should it be?
Go ahead and change your clothes. What you wear isn't important. But think about bigger decisions-the classes you take, the amount of homework you do, the drugs you were offered in the lunch line, the person who asked you out, the colleges you apply to, the group of people you're hanging out with. Are you basing these decisions on what you want to do, on what you should do, on what someone else will think, or on something else? What are you basing your bigger decisions on? What should you be basing your bigger decisions on?
Fact of life: You will never live up to everybody's expectations. If at first you don't succeed, go ahead and try try again but you're going to fail miserably. Whose expectations are important to you? What expectations are important to you? What are your expectations for yourself?
If you find yourself doing something you really don't want to do, find out why you're doing it. Why am I not applying to this college? Because some people were making fun of it. Perhaps you need to rethink what's important. Are these people’s opinions important to you? Is it worth it? Why am I writing this essay? Because I want a good grade, and grades are important to me. Keep writing.
Emotions
This part’s specifically for girls, because this looks like it’s mostly a girl problem. But I wouldn’t know; I’ve never been a guy.
Feeling a gamut of irrational emotions is normal. Hell, yes, but it’s normal hell.
Don’t base important decisions purely on what you feel, because you might not feel like it in five minutes, or in five days. Think about this: Which decision are you least likely to regret? Are you basing it on something besides the way you feel right now?
Emotions are important in making decisions, but you shouldn’t rely completely on them. If there’s a really nice guy but for some unexplained reason you always feel like crap around him, you’re going to be miserable going out with him. But if you get a warm fuzzy feeling around a guy, aside from the fact that he beats you, well, maybe you shouldn’t go out with him, either. (I have no idea how anyone could get a warm fuzzy feeling from an abusive boyfriend, but feelings are generally irrational.)
Normalcy
Don’t worry about being normal. People are only normal until you get to know them; then you find out they’re just as abnormal as you, but in different ways. “Normal” is the mass of people you don’t know and toss together into a group.
Normalcy Rule of Thumb: If you think you’re freakish, weird, messed up, different... well, you are, but only as much as everybody else is. If you think you fit in perfectly and there’s nothing messed up about you, you are freakish and weird.
Miscellaneous
If you don’t want to feel like you’re hiding something, then don’t hide it.
Be polite. Be nice. If you don’t like someone, you don’t have to hang out, but you don’t have to be rude about it.
Be honest. If you don’t like someone, the cruelest thing you can do is act like a friend.
Whether you think you’re normal or abnormal, you’re wrong.
You have to give a little to get what you want.
What you want is not the most important thing in the world.
Most people act more confident than they are.
Your parents love you more than you want to believe.
You love your parents more than you want to admit.
Don’t let others’ expectations dominate your actions.
It is possible to be nice to annoying people.
When you have kids, you’re only entitled to the treatment you gave your parents. When parents say that you’ll have a kid just like you, believe them.
If you break a leg or fight or get a ticket or get suspended or have your heart broken, figure out what you did, and then don’t do it again.
You’re not going to escape peer pressure. Find peers that will pressure you into good things.
Let others be themselves.
You don’t have to understand the way your mind works, as long as it works.
As Red Green says: “Remember I’m pullin’ for ya. We’re all in this together.”
On Growing Up
Parents and Independence
When you're a kid, you’re entirely dependent on your parents. When you're an adult, you're entirely independent. When you're a teenager, life sucks. That's basically all there is to it.
The problem, however, is that when you're a teenager, you're constantly trying to find out when you need your parents and when you don't. If you think you have it figured out, be reminded that your results are as accurate as a 7-day weather forecast in Michigan. In general, you're going from dependent to independent, but specifically, you fly all over the place-unpredictably. If the same thing happens twice, you may want your parents one time but not the other time. Or maybe you don’t want them one time but you do want them the other time. You may need your parents but not want them around. You may want them around but they insist you do whatever it is without them. Thing is, you're not the only one trying to find out when you need them. Parents act like they have it all together, but they're as clueless as you are about this. They don't know when you need them and when you want them and when you don't. And sometimes they take the “oh my baby” attitude and don’t want to let you grow up; other times they take the “fly away my chickadee” attitude. (Isn’t that something a parent would say? Chickadee.)
So in the end... You don’t know if you want/need them around. They don’t know if you want/need them around. You don’t know if they want/need you around. They don’t know if they want/need you around.
All I can say is don't push them too far away, because you're going to need them later, and don't force them too close, because you also need your freedom. Make sure you talk to them and are mostly comfortable around them, but also make sure you’re comfortable by yourself. No matter how much you hate them now, you’re going to love them tomorrow.
Parents in General
If you think your parents don't love you as much as they love [insert name of sibling], then you are normal. Everybody feels like that sometimes. Some people feel like that for three years straight; others only for a few specific incidents. Never forget this: Your parents love you more than you think, and you love your parents more than you think. Yes, they are annoying-rarely, occasionally, sometimes, often. They embarrass you. They sing. They’re too picky about chores. They like weird movies and weird music. They stop before the light turns yellow. They're fat. They're skinny. They dress funny. They don't buy you a car, or they buy you a cheap station wagon. But you need them. And they need you.
Imagine yourself twenty or thirty years from now. You're grown up and you have teenage kids. Think about the teenage crap they're going through. How do you want them to act? You don’t have the right to expect any more than you're willing to give your parents. Your kids aren’t going to be perfect, and nobody’s asking you to be perfect. But you don’t have to be an idiot.
Expectations and How to Be Yourself
When you put on your clothes in the morning, how long do you spend deciding what to wear and making sure it looks good? Try this: Put on something completely stupid-looking. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you don't want to wear it to school. Are you afraid of what people think of you? Yeah. Everybody else is, too. But think of the specific people who are going to disapprove or make fun of you. Parents? Friends? Losers? Snobs? Crushes? Why do they disapprove? Is their opinion important to you? Should it be?
Go ahead and change your clothes. What you wear isn't important. But think about bigger decisions-the classes you take, the amount of homework you do, the drugs you were offered in the lunch line, the person who asked you out, the colleges you apply to, the group of people you're hanging out with. Are you basing these decisions on what you want to do, on what you should do, on what someone else will think, or on something else? What are you basing your bigger decisions on? What should you be basing your bigger decisions on?
Fact of life: You will never live up to everybody's expectations. If at first you don't succeed, go ahead and try try again but you're going to fail miserably. Whose expectations are important to you? What expectations are important to you? What are your expectations for yourself?
If you find yourself doing something you really don't want to do, find out why you're doing it. Why am I not applying to this college? Because some people were making fun of it. Perhaps you need to rethink what's important. Are these people’s opinions important to you? Is it worth it? Why am I writing this essay? Because I want a good grade, and grades are important to me. Keep writing.
Emotions
This part’s specifically for girls, because this looks like it’s mostly a girl problem. But I wouldn’t know; I’ve never been a guy.
Feeling a gamut of irrational emotions is normal. Hell, yes, but it’s normal hell.
Don’t base important decisions purely on what you feel, because you might not feel like it in five minutes, or in five days. Think about this: Which decision are you least likely to regret? Are you basing it on something besides the way you feel right now?
Emotions are important in making decisions, but you shouldn’t rely completely on them. If there’s a really nice guy but for some unexplained reason you always feel like crap around him, you’re going to be miserable going out with him. But if you get a warm fuzzy feeling around a guy, aside from the fact that he beats you, well, maybe you shouldn’t go out with him, either. (I have no idea how anyone could get a warm fuzzy feeling from an abusive boyfriend, but feelings are generally irrational.)
Normalcy
Don’t worry about being normal. People are only normal until you get to know them; then you find out they’re just as abnormal as you, but in different ways. “Normal” is the mass of people you don’t know and toss together into a group.
Normalcy Rule of Thumb: If you think you’re freakish, weird, messed up, different... well, you are, but only as much as everybody else is. If you think you fit in perfectly and there’s nothing messed up about you, you are freakish and weird.
Miscellaneous
If you don’t want to feel like you’re hiding something, then don’t hide it.
Be polite. Be nice. If you don’t like someone, you don’t have to hang out, but you don’t have to be rude about it.
Be honest. If you don’t like someone, the cruelest thing you can do is act like a friend.
Whether you think you’re normal or abnormal, you’re wrong.
You have to give a little to get what you want.
What you want is not the most important thing in the world.
Most people act more confident than they are.
Your parents love you more than you want to believe.
You love your parents more than you want to admit.
Don’t let others’ expectations dominate your actions.
It is possible to be nice to annoying people.
When you have kids, you’re only entitled to the treatment you gave your parents. When parents say that you’ll have a kid just like you, believe them.
If you break a leg or fight or get a ticket or get suspended or have your heart broken, figure out what you did, and then don’t do it again.
You’re not going to escape peer pressure. Find peers that will pressure you into good things.
Let others be themselves.
You don’t have to understand the way your mind works, as long as it works.
As Red Green says: “Remember I’m pullin’ for ya. We’re all in this together.”