Last letter

[marysutherland]

BBC Sherlock

Rating: 12: angst, implied character death, implied slash

Spoilers: none

Comments

[marysutherland]

I think that it's a very different matter writing a posthumous letter to someone with ordinary emotions and writing one to Sherlock. At the risk of going on forever, and over-explaining the story, I think that at the heart of it is John's belief that Sherlock is a sociopath or at least emotionally lacking in some way. I don't know how actual sociopaths behave, but in the fics I write where Sherlock is implicitly a sociopath (and that's not all of them) I imagine him as having no instinct for what other people might feel. If he is observing and concentrating he can calculate reasonably accurately how they will feel and behave, and even be able to manipulate them, because he's trained himself to do that, but whenever he gets distracted or absorbed by other things, other people become opaque to him.

So John sees part of his job as explaining people's behaviour to Sherlock in the terms that Sherlock can understand, and giving him hints on how to deal with other people (hence the dictionary definitions of love, the crossed-out paragraphs on 'how to tell that your flatmate has the hots for you' , and the idea of offering marriage to the 'next bloke'). He doesn't demand that Sherlock change his character, anymore than he demands that he grows three inches or stops being gay. Sherlock is what he is: John is trying to help him cope with being that, and the rest of the world cope with Sherlock.

And the complicating factor is that Sherlock is opaque to John, because Sherlock's acting skills mean that John can never be certain what Sherlock really feels. John knows that Sherlock enjoys having him around and likes having sex with him. He doesn't know if he means more to him than that, and he's got no way of finding out. It's a heightened version of the dilemma we've all been in. If someone says 'I love you' do they mean it? If I say 'I love you' to someone, do I mean it? If John tells Sherlock 'I love you' or 'I want to marry you', is he going to get incomprehension (which is embarrassing) or socially acceptable platitudes, like 'I love you, too' or 'Of course I'll marry you' (which are meaningless) or discussions of the mating habits of baboons or whatever tangential topics stirs in Sherlock's mind? It's safer for John to stick to actions to show his own love, and not try and force something from Sherlock that Sherlock may not be capable of. And since he believes that marriage will make no difference to Sherlock's feelings, and knows they will not change his own commitment, he doesn't raise that.

And this version of John is also fatalistic. He doesn't, deep down, believe that Sherlock loves him, which is part of why he ends up talking so much about the 'next bloke' (who maybe even has his sympathy), because he thinks Sherlock will get over him more easily than a normal person would. And John also believes, knows, that sooner or later (and probably sooner) his number will come up and there will be the bullet or the bomb-jacket or whatever with his name on it. That is what happens in a war: you can't beat the odds forever. (There's definitely an air of that pervading the swimming pool scene).

As for Sherlock finding the letter, that's an afterthought for John. There is a small part of him that is proud of himself at his own tough-mindedness at being able to write about his death without flinching, and a part that then abruptly realises that this heroic gesture is going to look awfully embarrassing if it doesn't actually come off. Especially when you've got a flatmate who may criticise the letter for its handwriting or its prose style and pointedly ignore or even snigger at the emotional content. John is not trying to manipulate Sherlock, because that would be undignified, and almost certainly futile. That the letter does have some effect on Sherlock is going to come as a terrific surprise to him.

[fengirl88]

no, I'm sure you are right about all this. I found his fatalism painful and hard to take, but I know that's partly for reasons that have nothing to do with your excellent fic. it pushed a lot of buttons for me and my response comes from that more than from anything rational or considered.

[marysutherland]

I'm sorry if the fatalism in that story pressed some of the wrong buttons for you. I think there is quite a strong undertone of fatalism and melancholy to the TV series, which I suspect is why some of us are drawn to it and writing about it. It's obviously there in the 'people die' theme of The Great Game, but right from the first episode there is the clear possibility of John either shooting himself or becoming an alcoholic, and of Sherlock recklessly endangering himself once too often. Part of the importance of the friendship between John and Sherlock is the sense that together they may be able to curb the different self-destructive instincts of the other. (On the other hand, Lestrade is clearly aiming to make it to 90+, at least if he can stay off the smoking - is that part of his appeal to you?)

In most of my angsty fics, I try and have my characters hold firm against this melancholy, keep soldiering on even when the prospect is bleak, partly because stoicism stops the angst getting over-wrought. But I think because this story is quite static (and because I knew I wasn't going to kill John in the end), it's harder to know how far to push the mood.

On the other hand, with my fic, if you don't like this John or Sherlock, there'll always be a different version along in a few days time (unlike you, I tend to start from a situation and adjust the characters to fit). So if you don't like Fatalist John, you may prefer Getting Seduced by Mycroft John (first part up soon) or Really Pissed Off with the Eighteenth Century John (currently under development).

[fengirl88]

looking forward to both of these Johns - particularly the latter! fond of the eighteenth century myself but happy at the thought of John being really pissed off with it.

as I say, I'm aware how much my response to Last Letter was because of personal things (bad experiences with self-destructive types and fatalists, or both) and not the fic itself. which seems unfair to you and to it. this is also what happens if I insist on ignoring warnings and reading angst when I should only be reading fluff...

I agree with all you say about fatalism in the series. and I like the idea that J and S may curb each other's self-destructive tendencies.

the appeal of Lestrade? well, partly they've solved it in the casting! it may also be a matter of age, since I'm his generation rather than Sherlock's.

and I like the sense I get of Lestrade's sanity as well as his grown-upness. as that icon you were thinking of making has it, good mental health is sexy.