Meet Alexis, a "well wanted girl"

[tealdear]

Story Or Series Title:  Wanted by a God 
Fandom: Avengers
Culprit Author's name: Jokerfangirl12

Full Name (plus titles if any): Alexis Roberts (No relation to Berrie Roberts/Odinson)
Full Species(es): A mutant? Who knows…
Hair Color (include adjectives): “Now Alexis was a well wanted girl with her curly long Black hair…" (Capitalization not mine).
Eye Color (include adjectives):  “…chocolate brown eyes…”
Unusual Markings/Colorations: “…tanned skin, skinny yet curvy in all the right places.”
Special Possessions (if any): Phil Coulson’s twelve year old daughter Nicole because, “Alexis promised her father she would watch her for him, because he was always gone long periods of time )”

Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Loki Stalks her, Tony Stark is her long lost father, and she says or does everything of any importance done by any of the Avengers!

Annoying Special Abilities: “She has powers like she can turn a shield on or turn the shield into a weapon.”

Other Annoying Traits: She says sh*t like this: “Alexis Roberts was your average day 22 year old Girl, Well maybe that was a lie.”

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:



Tony: Hello everyone! Welcome to the third in our series of Avengers Sues. And we have a new face for you today, Dr. Bruce Banner.
Bruce: I’m not sure I should be doing this Tony. What if this Mary Sue makes me so angry that…the other guy comes out?
Tony: I wouldn’t worry about that, buddy. This sue isn’t yours, she belongs to Lucky Loki.
Loki: Shut up.
Tony: Its true, though. This fic is really just a series of vignettes where you mercilessly stalk Alexis. To start, we have this:

A while into driving a feel a presence in the back seat, so I turn around just to be face to face with a man with black slicked back hair, piercing green eyes wearing a suit with a green scarf and was really pale but he was handsome

I turn around and slam on the breaks but I hit my head on the steering wheel

" OW! What the Hell how did you get in my car!." I said turning around

" I have my ways I promise Alexis that you will be mine and mine alone do you understand" his voice was smooth and was filled with like he meant every word

" Y-yes" I stiffened as he pressed his lips against mine. Then he vanished I gulped and started driving again. ' that was messed up' I thought

Loki: Yes, its miserably true. To continue our theme, we have this:

At the library ( her job)…..

I started putting books back on shelves when someone approached me. It was him

" excuse me but can you help me find a book on Nordic Gods" He said I blinked in surprise I would of fell if he hadn't caught my arm

" are you alright?" he asked a ghost of a smirk on his face

" yeah, come with me" I motioned him to follow me I brought him to the God section

Bruce: The God section?
Tony: It’s the part of the library where God goes to read his books.
Loki: Shhh, the scene is not over.

I grab a book off a shelf and hand it to him " there you go" I smiled he went to kiss me again but I blocked my face with a shield

" what do you think you're doing" but he disappeared I looked at the ground where he used to be and the book was where he used to stand the page was opened the picture of Loki he looked just like him

" So that's who you are pretty boy" I mumbled to myself

Loki: Convenient. But without a doubt, the worst of the bunch is this one, where I sneak into her bedroom at night to grope her and her twelve year old ward/friend/sidekick/organ donor Nicole has to call her father, Phil Coulson, for help.
Bruce: Wait, Phil has a daughter?
Tony: Nah.

I was lying in bed when I felt something stroke my hair I thought was Nicole but I dismissed it, But then I heard her playing video games in the living room. I started to freak out, but hid it on the inside

" sleep well Alexis" Loki asked me I screamed and he covered my mouth " non of that wouldn't want the child to have an accident would we." his voice was dark and it scared me so I nodded my head. He smirked " Good"

…

" What do you want!" I screamed at him he smiled

" you, and the world to rule, you by my side" he said still smiling

" you cant rule the world it isn't yours to rule" I said he now looked pissed off he was coming towards me so I blasted a shield at him and he skidded across the floor I shoot another one and the door slammed open and some guys came in and saw me throw a shield at him and he disappeared .

Loki: It all revolves into a pretty simple romance-insert. I’m not just out for world domination, but world-domination-and-also-Alexis. Why do I like her? Why do I stalk her?
Tony: Who cares!
Bruce: All that’s important is that we make sure the Avenger’s universe begins to revolve around Alexis.
Tony: Even worse is the way she manages to put on razor sharp lacrosse cleats and go stomping all over our characters like a wild Gorilla charging at Jane Goodall. Look at this:

A guy with black hair. O wait I know who that is Tony Stark he walked up to me with a smile on his face

" Jessica Roberts we meet again I must say you haven't changed a bit" he said eyeing me up and down

" how do you know my mom's name…shit" he looked at me for a second before out stretching his hand

" Tony Stark… if I told you. You had a nice body would hold it against me" I gave him a dirty look before questioning him

Bruce: I’m not saying that Tony’s not a player but come on, would Tony really be a player if he used a line like while rubbing his oily sleaze all over a twenty-two year old? Women would not stop slapping him.
Loki: He’d be a human restraining order.
Tony: Um, wait, why am I calling her “Jessica”? Who the f*ck is Jessica?

" how long ago did you sleep with my mom?"

Tony: Oh, Jessica is Alexis’ mom. I call her Jessica because she looks like her mom, whom I guess I used to bang. Great, well, I’m going to go stick my head in a Hadron Collider.

I asked he gave me a blank stare before realizing what I was doing

" o right just got to make sure…. 22 years ago" I went wide eyed

" shit I'm 22" he went wide eyed before calling

Tony: You don’t need to be a genius, or as I like to say, you don’t need to be a Tony Stark, to see where this is going.
Bruce: I hate you some days Tony.

" Bruce!" Bruce seemed to calmly walk over

" yes,?" he questioned

" do have somewhere we can do a DNA test" I was just nodding my head

" yes? Why?"

" this" he gestured towards me " might be mine" I smacked his arm

" I'm not a 'this' I'm Alexis"

We waited like 3 minutes that lasted like forever…" well the results are a match Tony you have a daughter" Bruce said as he said that both of Tony and my Jaw was like hanging open I fainted after a few seconds I remember Tony picking me up before I gave into the darkness

Bruce: Oh, come on, a three minute DNA test?
Tony: Not just any DNA test, it’s the patented Stark Industries Three Minute DNA Test. Hey all you twenty-somethings out there, do you think Tony Stark might be your old man? Well this test is guaranteed to tell you if you are the fruit of Tony’s loins. Comes complete with instructions, a pamphlet entitled: “I Will Spend More Money Fighting you in Court than You’d Ever get in Backed Child Support, so Take Me On!” and a free informational DVD entitled: “Why Your Mom was a Slut, Probably.” Just look for the box with my face on it!
Bruce: Oh God, now I can’t stop picturing your face on the box. :::shudders:::
Loki: Yeah, winking and making that little finger gun at the camera. :::shudders:::
Tony: To recap, I’m a borderline child-molester and deadbeat dad with pickup lines that double as chastity belts. My dignity and self-respect were last seen sometime during the eighties and my policy on birth control is “f*ck it, just f*ck it, I don’t need to wear a com-dom, I’m Tony Stark”.
Bruce: Well, its seems like our characters are all carved up so that our lives have to revolve around Alexis.
Tony: Yeah, but at least, at least, I’m not destined to be Alexis stalker, like Loki is.

When I woke up Loki was staring over me

" what are you doing in here?" I asked him I guess I'm getting used to the whole I'm being stalked by a God thing

" just seeing if you were ok" I was taken back by this

" I see. I just have a question why do you want me" I asked I was really confused

" why haven't you screamed yet" he asked a smirk on his face

Tony: Well, I mean, that’s kind-of an answer, isn’t it? ‘Loki why do you like me?’ ‘Because unlike the other girls, you seem like you’ll stop screaming after a while.’ That’s legit, right?
Loki: No.

" oh I see you want to play games rain deer" I said he seemed to smile wilder the next thing I know is he grabbed my hand very ruff then kissed my hand and it burned really bad I hissed in pain. When he let go I looked at my wrist there was a blue mark in the shape of lips

Loki: What does this girl have against ending a sentence with a period?
Tony: Frost Giant hickies can be a bitch, huh Loki?
Loki: Shut up.
Bruce: I wonder if this author really thinks that deer made of rain are pulling Santa’s sleigh…?

" this will tell me where you are when you are. It well let me know your feelings and when you're hurt" all I could do was nod I could hide this with like bracelets or something

Then he leant forward and kissed me but for some reason I didn't pull back I actually kissed him back I put my arms around his neck and he laid his hands on my waist ' o he's a great kisser' I thought to myself he seemed to smile into the kiss

Tony: Wait, so it’s a homing beacon/mood ring hicky?
Bruce: What possible reason could you have for kissing someone who has stalked, threatened, assaulted and kidnapped you? What possible reason could you have for developing any kind of bond with a person like that?
Tony: Come on, Bruce, it’s the lesson we learned from Beauty and the Beast.  If you imprison a woman and force your will on her, eventually she’ll love you.
Bruce: That’s not love, Tony, that’s Stockholm Syndrome.
Loki: Stockholm Syndrome that continues to blossom while we’re on the helicarrier.

" you know if you wont join me you're against me" he said I frowned

" I know I'm sorry if I have to fight you I have to" I said " but I want you to know that I think I love you" I said I looked down but the next thing I know someone is lifting my face and it's Loki

" and I love you" and he pressed his lips against mine "

Loki: What exactly was it that won you over, Alexis? Was it the charming way I snuck in your bedroom like a common serial killer? Was it the complete absence of any discernible likeness, similarity or common interest between the two of us? Was it my “rain deer” helmet? Tell me, Alexis, why exactly do you think you’re in love with me?
Bruce: Maybe there are some real developmental problems here. I wonder if Alexis has tested her IQ?
Tony: I wonder if Alexis can spell ‘IQ’.

I awoke in what appeared to be a hotel room. My head was pounding I let out a sigh then sat up. To see Loki staring out the window

" Loki?" I said he turned around with a smile on his face

" ah. You're up" he said I nodded my head the furrowed my eye brows

" what happened….O God the explosion. is everyone alive?" I looked at him scared of what the answer might be

" what happened was Thor wasn't watching you so I knocked you out and brought you here. yes everyone is alive I had a chance to kill Phil Coulson but I didn't" he said I smiled ( In my eyes Phil never died)

he started walking towards me and when he was close enough laid a kiss on my lips and I pushed myself into him more to deepen the kiss the next thing I know is all my clothes are gone and so are his and we…

Tony: Oooooh, and the sentence trails off with the literary equivalent of a discreet cinematic ‘fade-to-black’. What could the end of that sentence be?
Bruce: Had sex. I’m pretty sure the end of that sentence is: ‘had sex’.

I laid there in Loki's arms I don't want to leave him but I have to fight for what's right.

Bruce: See?
Loki: Ha! There is no way Jeg vil knulle med denne dødfitte!
Tony: I knew this would happen. Loki is so pissed he slipped into speaking Norwegian. Oh man, you wanna unpack that one for us Loki?
Loki: I said, ahem, that there is no way I will fornicate with this…I guess the best translation is necroc*nt.
Bruce: That’s harsh.
Tony: That’s awesome. You Norse have a word for everything! Oh man, necroc*nt is my new Facebook status.
Loki: This Alexis is an unctuous little rat! Why the hell are we in love? What kind of toad do you have to be licking to find this believable?
Bruce: Bufo alvarius, probably.
Tony: Hey, yours isn’t the only relationship that seems to exist based solely on the fact that the suethor thinks it would be “really super keeeeeeewl” if everyone cared about Alexis. Look at this scene, right before the big battle with the chitauri:

Tony came out

" you ready everybody left" he said I nodded

" yeah Dad I love you" I said he smiled and said

Love you too" then his mask shut and he flew off

Bruce: Gee, that father-daughter relationship did develop awfully fast. Without even a hint of resentment towards you for being an obvious deadbeat who just a few minutes ago wanted to sleep with her.
Tony: There doesn’t seem to be any logic to how and why people develop emotional bonds in this thing. I’m not even sure Alexis knows who we are or what universe we live in. Look at this:

I ran down the stairs and was out of the building I saw some Alien looking things attack Steve so I blasted a shield at them they flew off dead

I killed a lot of the Aliens but then I saw what looked like a effing whale thing and Tony was going right for it

Tony: See what I mean?
Bruce: Yeah, I do, and what really drives me crazy about this is that Alexis obviously wants to be the most important person in the Avenger-verse but she is so unfamiliar with the beings and machines of our little cosmic niche that she can’t even name them.
Loki: I would be willing to bet that Alexis usually only has a vague, perfunctory understanding of her space-time surroundings. This passage proves it.

I talked thru the radio that was in my ear

" What the Hell! Are you stupid" I yelled in I heard him laugh

" just tell everyone that I'm bringing the party to them" he said I rolled my eyes and yelled that to everybody

Then Bruce came up riding a motorcycle thing then I realized if Hulk could destroy that thing then it would be gone.

Loki: “If Hulk could destroy it, then it would be gone.” ::: slow clapping ::: Well played, Alexis, well played.
Bruce: You know what, now that I think of it, we probably don’t need that IQ test.
Tony: Yeah, she takes after her mom a lot.

Tony was coming right at us so I had to think fast

" Bruce you have to get angry" I said he seemed to smirk

" you see that's my trick I'm always angry" he then turned around and the Hulk came out and destroyed the Whale thing

Bruce: Wow, she just erased Captain America and took his role in the war. It’s like she just deleted him from existence so she could assume his importance, claim his victory, say his lines and take credit for his ideas.
Tony: Face it, Bruce, this girl chewed up our characters, spit them out, crapped all over them and used the steaming pile as a cheap filling for hot dogs. Right now, someone in Yankee Stadium is washing down what’s left of our personalities with a sun-warm $13 beer.

I looked up and saw Loki. I then turned around and saw a little girl being attacked I ran to help her he shot at her a I put a shield around her I then was able to blast the magic back at him and he died

Loki: Oh great, I’m dead. Well good, at least now I can’t end up naked with Alexis again. It small comfort, but sometimes you just have to be grateful for the little things.

I looked up and saw Tony going onto the Portal. I knew he had to do it so I used my shield to put me in a circle and flew up to were Loki was I landed behind him

Loki: Damn, I’m alive!
Bruce: I really thought you were dead.
Loki: My life is never that easy and painless, Banner.

" Loki!" he turned around smiling he walked up to me I had a plan. I let down my shields and he kissed me I laid my hands on his chest " I'm so sorry" I whispered before

BOOM

Loki: Okay, great, now I’m dead.

That was my shield he wasn't dead just knocked out

Loki: Damn, I’m still alive!
Bruce: I can’t believe it! Now she stole my role! I was the one who fought Loki-
Loki: I remember.
Bruce: - and she just-she just took my place right out from under me, like I’m nothing at all!
Loki: So basically, the suethor made her dead-eyed troglodyte Alexis important because she wrote her as doing everything important that everyone else did.
Tony: And because she came out of my wang.

Tony came from behind me

Tony: That’s what your mom told all her girlfriends twenty-two years ago, Alexis!
Loki: Oh Tony, that’s awful.
Tony: Hey, she started this war by writing me as a card carrying member of the club for registered sex offenders with a zero tolerance policy towards rubber sheaths that try to cover that thing I pee with.

" I know you loved him" he whispered and the war was over

Thor came and took his brother away to the hospital were they will check him

A couple hours later

" so what's the check on Loki?" I asked the nurse that was now standing in front of me

" there's a chance he night not wake up" just that sentence I think made my world come crashing down hard on me

Tony: Just like I came crashing down hard on your mom twenty-two years ago!
Loki: Are you done?
Tony: :::cracks knuckles::: Just warming up.

1 MONTH LATER

I am visiting Loki today just like I've been doing ever since I did this to him today is very important

I walked down the halls to the room Loki was in and walked in I kissed his forehead like I always do and sat down beside him I took his hand in mine and gave it a little squeeze

" Loki if you can hear me I want you to know that I love you" I said I know he can hear me he has to

Loki: If I can hear her, I am going to will myself to stay right there, in that coma, until I am absolutely sure she’s not coming back. I will play deader than Tom Cruise’s marriage until she goes away.

" and I'm pregnant"

Loki: Oh f*ck me.
Tony: :::laughing hysterically::: Oh sweet merciful crap, I can’t believe that ending. You’re in a coma and she’s having your kid and your kid is my grandkid! Oh that’s the worst ending ever! It’s like someone threw an episode of All My Children into a blender with some black stuff and whatever Kim Kardashian has instead of a soul. And this, this is what came out. I wonder what the little Starki will look like? I think, if you ever wake up, you should give it a little “rain deer” helmet so it can crawl around, goring people in the calves.
Loki: At least I have this coma to keep me busy.
Tony: In the meantime, can I interest you in some patented Stark Industries Pregnancy Tests? Guaranteed to tell you if your wifey is about to become baby-momma. Just pee on the stick with my face on it! (Warning: may cause bleeding of gums, birth defects and premature birth).
Loki: Thanks, Tony, for that. At least now I know that I can actually bring my vomit up to the tip of my soft pallet and still swallow it back down.
Bruce: Thank goodness its over. And hey, I managed to not get angry!
Tony: Great, then next time, we’ll try to find a sue for you.
Bruce: Um…
Loki: Goodnight everyone.