Marauder Sue
I feel bad in sporking this story as I know the person that wrote it. It actually was a friend of mine and not me... seriously.
In her defense, she was never a reader of fanfiction and could not have known (until we told her) that her story was full of cliches. We did however notice from the start that her character was a tiny bit of a Sue. She did not know what that meant. This story is quite a few years old and until now we have not had the courage to do anything about it.
As my first post here, it is good to start with something familiar
Story or Series Title: A new life by attempting to leave the world behind and basic grammar as well apparently
Fandom: Harry Potter
Culprit/Author's Name: Isiris
Full Name (plus titles if any): Vivvian
Full Species(es): Werewolf, witch, Angst!Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives):
Eye Color (include adjectives):
Unusual Markings/Colorations:
Special Possessions (if any): A 6 inch dagger with an intricate leather grip handle, engravings of swirling dragons dancing across the smooth metal. And Remus and possibly James' unrequited love
Annoying Origin: I'd ask her but she would deny ever having an actual interest in the story
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: best buds with them, irrational hatred of Snape and Peter
Annoying Special Abilities: Is a werewolf, changes some of the characters personalities
Other Annoying Traits:
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Chapter One:
Heads turned as once again a trolley containing an owl - though this time white with brown spots - a large dark brown trunk and a array of bits and bots of all sizes bustled along platform 9 and 10 of kings cross station. Long sentence is loooooong. But the reason this trolley brought more attention to it's self itself is one word no matter what Word says, was not it's contents, or the continuous screeching of the owl, but the person concealed in an ankle length black cloak with the hood over the head behind the trolleys end, but this sentence too seems to go on for long time taking much long to reach its end. A girl, though you couldn't tell, of no older then the age of eleven, draped in an attire completely of black, gave off an eerie feeling of doubt and uncertainty as she made her way along the platform. Stopping abruptly in front of the pillar (in the middle of the platform) between platforms 9 and 10, the girl placed her pale hand deep into her cloaks pocket and withdrew a crumpled piece of parchment.
Eyes darting over the parchment for the umpteenth time, the young girl returned the parchment to her pocket then stared thoughtfully at the confronting pillar. A fresh wave of doubt nothing like that new doubt smell battered the girl from all corners of her mind, for how could a place like this so called Hogwarts exist. It's unexplainable, it's wonderful, but then how could it be there, for when was the last time she had had a chance at a home. Not just a roof over her head but a chance at friends. Glancing at the clock above and noticing the time of 10:45 she knew it was now or never. Tightening her grip on the trolley, she slowly started towards the solid brick wall of platform 9 and 10. For the note, which was now settled in her pocket, had instructed her to walk straight though the wall. And you will do as the note commands! 'Run if she wanted,' was the P.S at the base of the letter.
Closing her eyes tight she began to run almost full out half of her body screamed STOP, this is ridiculous your going to make a fool of yourself while the other screamed just give it a try what have you got to lose now. I'm sorry... what?
Chapter Two:
The little girl glanced into each compartment as she slowly made her way along the train, dragging her belongings behind her. (As) The minutes dragged on and still no empty compartment presented it's self again one word, hope for being alone was slimming very quickly. Now nearing the rear and with still no seat, the little girl made a deal with herself that if she couldn't find a compartment vacant she would grab the first seat on offer….. Or she could just sit in the hall, well when she thought about it, the hall was a lot more welcoming then her usually choices or allies, under bridges or city door frames. These sentences get longer and longer as the story gets more and more angsty Pushing past a wave of fresh memories that were threatening to drown her, you will not drown me this time sad past the girl approached the last compartment and poked her head around the door… then stared dumbstruck at her luck as no giggling, stuttering, rambling or in fact any other type of child presented them selves.
Finally seated with all her luggage in the rack above her, the girl glanced out the window and studied the parents bustling ushering the last of the children through the trains slamming doors. Whistles blew and the last door slammed as the last kid boarded as a lurch forwards signalled the depart of the train as an awkward useof conjunctions enters the sentence. Just before rounding the bend out sight, the girl stole one last look at her old life and hoped never to look back again.
Leaning her head back against the chair, the little girl began to fantasise about the adventure that had begun to show it's face. Thoughts of towering buildings, flying creatures and finally people worthy to call friend were abruptly interrupted by three voices flooding through the compartment's open door. I wonder who that could be in a Marauder's fic?
"This one looks empty."
"Ramus, lol, Ramus, extra funny becuase she is a Lupin fan and I did point it out to her when I read her draft let me ask, how many times have you said," the boy finished the sentence with a mocking tone, "This one looks empty?"
"Your right to ask James." A second opinion on the intention of this sentence would be helpful... I do not know what she means: You're or your?
"And how many are empty?"
"None." This came from the one called Remus to the girls understanding. At this James replied with
"Exactly my point, and what makes you think that this one will give us anymore luck?" Remus responded sheepishly with.
Awkward sentence structure, spaced in the wrong places. The speech patterns are a result of the way that she talks which causes her to make her characters talk like that. We call them bethisms. Better examples of them come a bit later, identifiable by all the "ain't's", "ya's" and any other things that are not that common in regular speech.
"Lucky last."
"Weak Remus, real weak." The girl automatically pictured the other boy shaking his head, she smiled at the thought then continued to listen.
"Sirius, what do you think?"
"I think… give it a try and." The something seemed to be throwing his back towards the front of the train. " That Peter should hurry up." A fourth voice joined the conversation.
"I'm coming, I'm coming."
"Just don't expect me to come and carry your stuff again, my arms are already killing me I don't want them to drop off." Sirius, to the girl, seemed to be the type to whinge.
"Let's just sit inside this one and it doesn't matter who's in there kay," voiced James. A hand appeared on the door as a boy's head popped around the frame. The boy seemed to have never even laid hands on a hair brush in his life, with his hair going in all directions, giving him a scruffy appearance. The expression of disappointment spreading across his face. " YOU JINXED IT!" The girl was now placing names to faces as two more boys popped their heads around the door. Both boys were of medium build; one with brown hair, the other with black. Their eyes darted around the compartment and finally landed on the girl. "Could we possibly have those back?"
"What! How on earth did I jinx this?" Brown head, who(m) to the girl's knowledge was Remus announced.
"I have to agree with James, Remus the evidence is extremely thick," said Sirius thoughtfully.
"What evidence?" inquired Remus.
The Rest....
I love how even after I edited it for her at school, she didn't fix any of it. My main nitpick with this chapter is the assumption that they were friends before they started school. It is highly unlikely that James and Sirius would have been chummy like this given his family background. I will take into account that they may have met on the train but the portayal suggests they are more than newly made friends. There is also copius amounts of Peter bashing, now he may be deserving of it now but he hadn't done anything back then.
And as for Snape...
"Understandable, I mean I wouldn't want these guys butting in on my personal life." This comment wouldn't have bothered her if it had come by either James, Sirius, Remus or Peter but all of them had their attention glued to the boy in the compartment door. Because she knows them so well (A) The feeble boy gave of the impression -according to Vivvian - of a greasy parrot boy parrot is not the first adjective i would think of who had fallen into a pit of oil. The image was created by his shoulder length black hair which fell in curtains around a hallow hollow face topped off with bottomless pit eyes as black as night. that is a big description for someone who is not your friend
"I really don't mind, I might, maybe, one day will to ask questions that will unnerve them." Again, I would like outside input as to what this means Vivvian didn't mind and wasn't sure why the boy was getting involved. But the boy continued ignoring Vivvian.
" You know you don't have any right to just go around and ask about people's pasts, or a person's past." The whole compartment was taken aback then James spoke up. Again with awkward breaks
"Well at least we know you'll be forever only saying that for other people….. Why you ask. I do not believe he did I have a feeling absolutely no one is going to be slightly interested in your greasy life Lily was," retorted James. that is a bit much since you just met the guy
"Yeah." Yeyah The (followed) remark was added by Peter who suddenly seemed to be trying to sink into his seat. Vivvian wouldn't blame him, for the greasy look (though she was sure he couldn't appear any greasier) Parrot boy was giving Peter was freaking her out?.
"Well, you're all rude.and you smell," One at a time the parrot boy pointed to each, including Vivvian. Sirius was trying, but failing, to stifle his laugh, James had an amused look on his face, Remus finally chuckled and even Peter couldn't help but smile.
"Weak, I mean seriously." Remus attempted to mimic the boy with much successshe has also made Remus ntoa bit of an arse. "You're all rude." Adding a large emphasis(e) on the rude, Remus leaned back into his chair smiling at his triumph wasn't really much of a win as the whole carriage burst into laughter, even Vivvian couldn't stop herself for the boy in the boy attempted to pout and by hell was it a dud. ok what?
"Yeah poofy enough for ya?" James' added comment caused Sirius to double over in uncontrollable fits. The compartments reaction was (defiantly) definitly not what Parrot bot lol, now he is a virus had excepted and by Joe did it show, the boy shifted uneasily on his feet, alternating weight left to right and back again with a thrown look on his face. Then twirling on his feet the boy stalked off with a "Humph" and (a) puffed out (of) his chest, once again (to) with little success.
"Ummm who's Parrot boy?" Vivvian just had to ask and now wished she hadn't as all the boys glanced at each other then once again they all burst into fits of laughter.
This is where they make best buddies with her, in the next chapter she plays a prank on Snape at the boats, earning her another tick on the Sue Litmus test.
Other:
The Sorting: Starts typically enough with a girl that has a last name that starts with 'A'. Then goes on to have her character Vivvian gaining the attention of the entire Great Hall when she is called up to be sorted and they cannot pronounce her surname. There is also the fact that she won't remove her hood so the hat can sort her better.
Excerpt: The process continued on with Sirius, James and Remus all landing in Gryffindor they were flying? but for a reason coz they don't like him Peter ended in Hufflepuff. The group thinned till only Vivvian was left.
"Vivvian You spell your characters name funny, spell it right. Ze…erm, Zerth-" Vivvian cut in on the professor.
"Don't bother, not many can pronounce my last name." What was left of Vivvian's confidence faded quickly as she sat on the stool.
"Please remove your hood." Vivvian all of a sudden felt intimidated scared. They kinda mean same thing don't they?
"Why?" Vivvian was in no mood to remove her hood.
"The sorting hat will have a little bit of difficulty trying to sort you through the material." Surely the skull is thicker than a cloak Instinctively she pulled the hood tighter and hunched her back. The Professor glanced up at the main table towards an elderly man with a long silver beard, pleading with a facial expression for help I know you can do this but the phrasing is wrong. She was abruptly replied with a nod and a wave of his hand signalling to proceed. Sighing, the hat was placed half heartily soup? on Vivian's head.
"Oh how interesting. How, very, interesting, there, need, not, be, that, many, commas" Vivvian was in utter shock and couldn't help but shudder at a thought . "yes I can read your mind and look into your memories," She sat bolt upright and remained stock still so there is soup. "Where to put you, you ain't aren't the most powerful I've seen, yet you obviously aren't the dumbest. Yes far from that. You have a lot of cunning but oh, wow. This soup is delicious That's it! The thing I was looking for." She managed to make the Sorting Hat OOC... That is impressive
Anyhow, through further grammatical errors, the hat ends up sorting her in Gryffindor where she further makes a spectacle of herself
Their conversation was cut short by the headmaster's announcement of 'let the feast begin'. Hundreds of plates instantly appeared along all the tables with pleasing sounds coming from all the students. Vivvian was overwhelmed, it had been a least six or even 7 years since her last square meal. I have no comment
"Let's eat." Sirius' comment went unheard for Vivian had drove into a pyramid pile of chicken wings. Out of my way pedestrians!! That chicken is mine!!!!
Barley fifteen minutes into the luxurious feast, Vivvian was reaching for her 3rd portionof roast beef as Remus tapped her on the shoulder.
"A-are you ok?" Vivvian glanced up to find Sirius, James, Remus and several other unknown people starring Oh, starry night at her. Some in disgust, some in amusement and some that their face was unreadable. To shorten: "The occupants of the table stared at her, some in digust with others in amusement, a few unreadlable looks thrown in the mix."
"What?" Vivvian didn't understand what was so interesting about watching someone eat.
"If you want, we can leave half the feast for you. I mean, I haven't seen someone eat so much so quickly since Bellatrix forgot to feed the dog." A smile followed Sirius' comment.
"Oh, I guess I'm eating too much." The problem was that Vivvian was still starving and she felt like she could eat half the feast though she knew she shouldn't.
"No, I mean eat if you're hungry. I gather there's more food else where one word as well," Remus indicated to the food. "It's just odd to see a girl of your," there was a slight pause, as if he was thinking of how to put it, "build eat so much." Vivvian sat there as a level of self conscious thought started to bubble and would soon overwhelm her.
"I've always eaten a lot it's just, but… Hey what you mean my build!" This defensiveness is very much her, so a bit of author insert into the story... in most of the characters Vivian pointed a finger dangerously at Remus She is the evil monkey who would have fallen off his seat weren't it for James' quick reflexes. Sirius roared with laughter at the situation of course.
There were also some insults at Snape a few lines after that read like 'Yo Momma' jokes. I think I will leave that there. The character has really come out of her shell in the space of a few minutes... She sure warmed up to them fast
If you can get past the spelling grammar and many cliches then I suppose it's not too bad.... despite being a Sue
Thank you for not being mean about my lack of cuts, I was not aware of that feature. Hopefully it worked this time around.