YYH/KH AU High School fic Mary Sue goodness!
Okay! Long time Lurker, first time poster here with what I think is a rather good first find!
Story Or Series Title: Love Triangle
Fandom: Yu Yu Hakusho and Kingdom Hearts >.>; With OC extra's that the author admits barrow their names from Ayashi no Ceres, DN Angel, Fushigi Yuugi, and Full Moon wo Sagashite to boot.
Culprit Author's Name: RedRoseKitsune
Full Name (plus titles if any): Rose Knight, Kayla Smith and Risa
Full Species(es): Human. Kayla and Rose are also American Transfer Student Sues. Kayla and Risa are also "Rival"/Mean Girl Sues.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Rose: Long and Brown, Kayla: Icy Blue, Risa: Long and Red
Eye Color (include adjectives): Rose: Pale Blue, Kayla: Pink Risa: Undescribed.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: none that I noticed.
Special Possessions (if any): Kurama and Riku's canon personalities in a jar somewhere. Probably more, but I could only stand to read up to chapter 9.
Annoying Origin: The author's brain
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Riku and Kurama both fall in love with Rose, thus the "love triangle," while Kayla is already established as liking Riku when she's first introduced and Risa is established as liking Kurama. Also Kairi, Namine and Botan become her posse` of girlfriends. I guess it's sorta refreshing to see a Suethor who doesn't bitchify Kairi, so I guess that's one good thing about including Mean Girl Sues.
Annoying Special Abilities: Rose, apperently has the ability to teach people valuble life lessons without actually doing anything and only shortly after she met them. She also has the ablity to become very sick suddenly and for no reason at all except to cause drama. Plus she has the usual other sue traits of making characters act OOC and have her favorite boys fall in love with her when they've only known her for like one day. The other sues have the power to be annoying Mean Girl types.
Other Annoying Traits: Aside from what's already been discribed, not much except of course the nonsensical, totally unexplainable AU High School fic crossover that this all takes place in.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Kayla looked at Risa and they both began walking towards Rose, Kurama, and the others. Kayla stopped by Riku, and Risa stopped by Kurama. Kayla took Riku’s hand.
“Riku,” Kayla giggled and smiled sweetly, “come sit at my table. You must be bored sitting with these losers.” as she said this, she cast Rose a glare overflowing with hate and malice. This caused Rose to shiver, and Kurama took her hand.
Risa noticed this, and her face became flushed with anger and jealousy.
“Kurama…” she tried to talk sweetly, but her voice came across rather icy, “You must be bored too. Come sit with me.” she reached for his hand, but Kurama pushed hers away.
“Sorry…” Kurama replied, “but I want to sit with my friends.”
Riku pried his hand from Kayla’s grip. “Same goes for me. And by the way, they’re not losers.” he looked at Kayla and Risa, whose faces were both completely flushed with anger. Kayla clenched her fists.
“SO THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE?! YOU’VE NEVER SAID NO TO ME BEFORE, NOT UNTIL SHE,” Kayla pointed her finger at Rose, “CAME TO THIS SCHOOL!!!” she screamed.
Everyone else in the lunchroom, even the teachers, stopped talking to watch the scene unfolding before them.
“Rose,” Riku replied coolly, “taught me not to be scared of you, or of any other people who think they’re better than me.”
Kurama nodded and added, “She also taught me that true friends are the only people that should matter in our lives.”
Risa and Kayla flinched as if Kurama and Riku had struck them. Kayla pointed at Rose and whispered, “Then that girl,” she spat the words out as if they were poison, “will pay.” Kayla stalked away, and Risa watched her for a minute before reluctantly following.
Rose was shaking. “I-I didn’t… want anything like this to happen! Now, the most popular girl in the school hates me, and all of you are in danger now too!” tears began streaming down Rose’s face.
“Rose…” Kurama took her hand again. She slapped it away and stood up.
“NO! I’ll just cause problems for all of you! It’ll be better if I just stayed away from you!” Rose screamed. She then turned, tears flying off her face, and ran out of the lunchroom.
“Rose!” all of her friends shouted in unison.
Kurama and Riku stood up, and ran after her. Kairi and Naminé tried to also, but Sora and Roxas held them back. Sora shook his head, and the girls understood. They reluctantly sat back down, as the atmosphere of the lunchroom returned to normal.
----------------------
“Rose!” Kurama and Riku’s voices rang through the empty school as they followed her through the hallways.“Why can’t they just leave me alone?!” Rose sobbed inside her head as she picked up speed. She eventually came to the stairs that led to the roof, and began to climb up them as quickly as possible.
She was breathing heavily. “Why am I so tired?” she thought to herself. She opened the exit door, and stepped out. She staggered over to the edge of the roof, and collapsed against the wall, her face flushed and heart beating fast.
“What’s wrong with me? I feel… sick! Please, make this pain stop!” Rose screamed inside her head. Her sight was fading.
“KURAMA! RIKU! Help me…” her voice went from a scream to a whisper, as she blacked out. At that moment, Kurama and Riku burst through the exit. They saw Rose lying, unconscious, on the ground.
“Rose?!” they gasped as they ran over to her. Kurama lifted up her back so she was sitting upright, leaning against his arm. Riku kneeled next to him, worry spreading across his face.
“What’s wrong with her?” Riku asked Kurama.
Kurama leaned over and placed his forehead against hers, feeling the temperature of her forehead. He had the temptation to place his lips against hers, as well, but resisted it. He jumped slightly in surprise. She was burning up!
“Her temperature is extremely high…” Kurama mumbled. “Riku! Go get the nurse, and hurry!” Kurama ordered.
Riku sat there in a daze a moment before nodding his head and whispering, “Sure.” He jumped up and quickly disappeared behind the door.
Kurama brushed Rose’s bangs out of her face, and gently wiped the sweat from her forehead. Rose’s head shifted, and she groaned. Kurama jumped.
“Rose?” he whispered.
Rose slowly opened her eyes, but she only had enough strength to make them little slits. “Kur…ama?” Rose struggled to say his name.
“Are you alright?” a mixture of happiness and worry was on his face.
“I don’t feel so good. I can’t move, my whole body aches, and I feel like I’m burning…!” Rose started to slip again, but Kurama squeezed her hand.
“No! You have to stay awake! Help is coming. I can’t lose you, I…” Kurama stopped mid-sentence.
“Kurama?” Rose opened her eyes a little more, to get a better look at his face.
Kurama lifted her head up, so her face was right next to his. He then pressed his lips, passionately, yet gently, against hers.
Shock ran through Rose’s body. Part of her wanted to push him away, but another part didn’t. She was too weak to move, so there wasn’t much she could do. Kurama pulled away, his face completely flushed.
“I love you.” he whispered.
ETA: I just noticed that some troll decided to pretend to be me and linked back to this report. >_> I wonder if I should lock this post? I kinda think the author might not be the sort to cause wank, seeing as she's re-writting a newer story because of someone's critique, but you never know. Just a heads up anyway.
Story Or Series Title: Love Triangle
Fandom: Yu Yu Hakusho and Kingdom Hearts >.>; With OC extra's that the author admits barrow their names from Ayashi no Ceres, DN Angel, Fushigi Yuugi, and Full Moon wo Sagashite to boot.
Culprit Author's Name: RedRoseKitsune
Full Name (plus titles if any): Rose Knight, Kayla Smith and Risa
Full Species(es): Human. Kayla and Rose are also American Transfer Student Sues. Kayla and Risa are also "Rival"/Mean Girl Sues.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Rose: Long and Brown, Kayla: Icy Blue, Risa: Long and Red
Eye Color (include adjectives): Rose: Pale Blue, Kayla: Pink Risa: Undescribed.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: none that I noticed.
Special Possessions (if any): Kurama and Riku's canon personalities in a jar somewhere. Probably more, but I could only stand to read up to chapter 9.
Annoying Origin: The author's brain
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Riku and Kurama both fall in love with Rose, thus the "love triangle," while Kayla is already established as liking Riku when she's first introduced and Risa is established as liking Kurama. Also Kairi, Namine and Botan become her posse` of girlfriends. I guess it's sorta refreshing to see a Suethor who doesn't bitchify Kairi, so I guess that's one good thing about including Mean Girl Sues.
Annoying Special Abilities: Rose, apperently has the ability to teach people valuble life lessons without actually doing anything and only shortly after she met them. She also has the ablity to become very sick suddenly and for no reason at all except to cause drama. Plus she has the usual other sue traits of making characters act OOC and have her favorite boys fall in love with her when they've only known her for like one day. The other sues have the power to be annoying Mean Girl types.
Other Annoying Traits: Aside from what's already been discribed, not much except of course the nonsensical, totally unexplainable AU High School fic crossover that this all takes place in.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Kayla looked at Risa and they both began walking towards Rose, Kurama, and the others. Kayla stopped by Riku, and Risa stopped by Kurama. Kayla took Riku’s hand.
“Riku,” Kayla giggled and smiled sweetly, “come sit at my table. You must be bored sitting with these losers.” as she said this, she cast Rose a glare overflowing with hate and malice. This caused Rose to shiver, and Kurama took her hand.
Risa noticed this, and her face became flushed with anger and jealousy.
“Kurama…” she tried to talk sweetly, but her voice came across rather icy, “You must be bored too. Come sit with me.” she reached for his hand, but Kurama pushed hers away.
“Sorry…” Kurama replied, “but I want to sit with my friends.”
Riku pried his hand from Kayla’s grip. “Same goes for me. And by the way, they’re not losers.” he looked at Kayla and Risa, whose faces were both completely flushed with anger. Kayla clenched her fists.
“SO THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE?! YOU’VE NEVER SAID NO TO ME BEFORE, NOT UNTIL SHE,” Kayla pointed her finger at Rose, “CAME TO THIS SCHOOL!!!” she screamed.
Everyone else in the lunchroom, even the teachers, stopped talking to watch the scene unfolding before them.
“Rose,” Riku replied coolly, “taught me not to be scared of you, or of any other people who think they’re better than me.”
Kurama nodded and added, “She also taught me that true friends are the only people that should matter in our lives.”
Risa and Kayla flinched as if Kurama and Riku had struck them. Kayla pointed at Rose and whispered, “Then that girl,” she spat the words out as if they were poison, “will pay.” Kayla stalked away, and Risa watched her for a minute before reluctantly following.
Rose was shaking. “I-I didn’t… want anything like this to happen! Now, the most popular girl in the school hates me, and all of you are in danger now too!” tears began streaming down Rose’s face.
“Rose…” Kurama took her hand again. She slapped it away and stood up.
“NO! I’ll just cause problems for all of you! It’ll be better if I just stayed away from you!” Rose screamed. She then turned, tears flying off her face, and ran out of the lunchroom.
“Rose!” all of her friends shouted in unison.
Kurama and Riku stood up, and ran after her. Kairi and Naminé tried to also, but Sora and Roxas held them back. Sora shook his head, and the girls understood. They reluctantly sat back down, as the atmosphere of the lunchroom returned to normal.
----------------------
“Rose!” Kurama and Riku’s voices rang through the empty school as they followed her through the hallways.“Why can’t they just leave me alone?!” Rose sobbed inside her head as she picked up speed. She eventually came to the stairs that led to the roof, and began to climb up them as quickly as possible.
She was breathing heavily. “Why am I so tired?” she thought to herself. She opened the exit door, and stepped out. She staggered over to the edge of the roof, and collapsed against the wall, her face flushed and heart beating fast.
“What’s wrong with me? I feel… sick! Please, make this pain stop!” Rose screamed inside her head. Her sight was fading.
“KURAMA! RIKU! Help me…” her voice went from a scream to a whisper, as she blacked out. At that moment, Kurama and Riku burst through the exit. They saw Rose lying, unconscious, on the ground.
“Rose?!” they gasped as they ran over to her. Kurama lifted up her back so she was sitting upright, leaning against his arm. Riku kneeled next to him, worry spreading across his face.
“What’s wrong with her?” Riku asked Kurama.
Kurama leaned over and placed his forehead against hers, feeling the temperature of her forehead. He had the temptation to place his lips against hers, as well, but resisted it. He jumped slightly in surprise. She was burning up!
“Her temperature is extremely high…” Kurama mumbled. “Riku! Go get the nurse, and hurry!” Kurama ordered.
Riku sat there in a daze a moment before nodding his head and whispering, “Sure.” He jumped up and quickly disappeared behind the door.
Kurama brushed Rose’s bangs out of her face, and gently wiped the sweat from her forehead. Rose’s head shifted, and she groaned. Kurama jumped.
“Rose?” he whispered.
Rose slowly opened her eyes, but she only had enough strength to make them little slits. “Kur…ama?” Rose struggled to say his name.
“Are you alright?” a mixture of happiness and worry was on his face.
“I don’t feel so good. I can’t move, my whole body aches, and I feel like I’m burning…!” Rose started to slip again, but Kurama squeezed her hand.
“No! You have to stay awake! Help is coming. I can’t lose you, I…” Kurama stopped mid-sentence.
“Kurama?” Rose opened her eyes a little more, to get a better look at his face.
Kurama lifted her head up, so her face was right next to his. He then pressed his lips, passionately, yet gently, against hers.
Shock ran through Rose’s body. Part of her wanted to push him away, but another part didn’t. She was too weak to move, so there wasn’t much she could do. Kurama pulled away, his face completely flushed.
“I love you.” he whispered.
ETA: I just noticed that some troll decided to pretend to be me and linked back to this report. >_> I wonder if I should lock this post? I kinda think the author might not be the sort to cause wank, seeing as she's re-writting a newer story because of someone's critique, but you never know. Just a heads up anyway.