Re-Cap: King Arthur
Whatever, Jerry. Whatever.
Uh, sort of image heavy.
Our story starts with Lancelot on voiceover, telling us that the Romans are wimpy bastards who snatch Samaritan boys for their army. In the first of many flashbacks to come, Lil Lance is taken away to do his duty, but nevermind, it's only for fifteen years. Cut forward to fifteen (*gasp*) years later, when Lancelot is galloping along with the other boys to save some bishop dude from the Nac Mac Feegle. Man, Lil Lance is all growed up now. Also, they're in Britain aka Stinky Little Island, which everyone hates. But they're gonna get their Freedom Papers like any day now, so they can return home. No problem at all.
OMGWTF, Merlin is a Nac Mac Feegle! Merlin's sole purpose is staring at Arthur from afar. But as the whole movie is pretty pointless, no one cares. Lancelot is amused and Tristan has a hawk, yay! They all ride to their base camp to celebrate their impending freedom.
Arthur is being awesome, because Arthur is being Clive Owen, dude. Even Sulky Kid Lancelot thinks so, and they share a totally non-homoerotic moment. Also, OMG SEAN GILDER *squees* However, Lancelot has cause to go on sulking, as...
Mister Holy decrees that they won't get their Freedom Papers just yet. Are you all surprised? Thought so. Waaayyy north, beyond Hadrian's Wall, there lives a boy the Pope totally digs in an eww way. The knights have to save the little boytoy and bring him to the Safe South. Of course, going to save the little slut means entering Nac Mac Feegle Country, which is also under siege by the Saxons. Uh-oh.
Borsy's girl sings everyone a sad, sad tune about Home and how great Home is and how happy everyone will be once they're Home. It seems to depress people. Especially Arthur, who now has to tell the boys they're not going Home, but on a suicide mission. The boys take it, well, badly.
Arthur and Lancelot share a totally non-homoerotic scene in a stable, including Lancelot telling Arthur to stop this praying shit and rather have faith in him, and they talk a bit about stuff to do when you're on your knees. Apart from that, Lancelot is pretty pissed off with Arthur and glowers at him prettily.
Bad Saxon Dude and Sonny Bad Saxon.
Up north, they meet up with BoyToy's family, whose main hobby is torturing the natives. Arthur is not amused, but look, pretty snow! Having seen the violence inherent in the system, they free the native slaves, including Skinny Ginny. Arthur, being the idiot that he is, confuses not for the last time heroics with sheer idiocy and takes everyone along for the ride back to the Wall. Which, like, slows them down. Which, like, means they'll be overtaken by the Saxons.
Also, Lancelot is absolutely not jealous of Ginny. Nu-uh.
After running into a naked Ginny, a sulking Lancelot watches as Arthur follows the little trampslut into the forest. Poor Baby :( In the forest, Merlin, who knows Ginny (I get the feeling *everyone* knows Ginny. Probably even in the biblical sense.) tells Arthur that Arthur is Harry Potter. I'm not lying.
It's Ginny being kick-ass in a pretty dress! Arthur approves, and so does Lancelot, who probably figures they'll get rid of the girl by tomorrow, so no sense in spoiling Arthur's fun. Oh, poor Lancelot. Also, Arthur shares a totally non-homoerotic moment with the BoyToy. Eww.
Bonus:
The knights plus Ginny face down the Saxon army under guidance of Sonny Bad Saxon. On a frozen lake. They sort of win, which means that lots of Saxons get killed, but just one knight. There's also more Lancelot-Ginny banter, which is awesome:
Lancelot: "You look frightened. There's a lot of lonely men out there."
Ginny: "Don't worry, I won't let them rape you."
Pwnd!
Holy Man is happy to see the knights have returned with BoyToy and hands them the Freedom Papers. However, freedom doesn't seem quite so sweet to the boys now, being minus one. Aww :(
Ginny gives Arthur a pep talk about how the Stinky Little Island he hates so much is his home really and that he's totally king here. Again: uh-oh.
Bad news! The Saxons are camping outside the gates. As the knights are free men now, it's not their concern. Due to the stupid pep talk Arthur feels responsible though, and tells the knights to ride off, while he'll stay to protect the natives. Lancelot is not amused.
Lancelot runs after Arthur to have their big totally non-homoerotic scene. Lancelot is all: "OMG think of all we have together, you can't throw it away! I love you!" Arthur angsts back: "I love you, too, which is why you need to leave and be free and happy and remember me and it'll be almost as good, since I have to stay here and be noble and die." So, Arthur is basically the Doctor, and Lancelot is Rose. Lancelot also calls bullshit, but Arthur will not be swayed. They grope at each other a bit. Lancelot, being the most intelligent one of the gang, knows whose fault this is and glowers at Ginny, who has the decency to look ashamed.
After a night of sexing with Ginny (Dear Keira, I honestly think you're cute, but please remember for the next time that a good sex scene consists of more than just opening your mouth, kthxbye.), Arthur sees off his knights, who all look a bit gloomy. Hey, at least Tristan still has his hawk.
Lancelot and Arthur share one tearful last look. Don't look at me like that, I've just got something in my eye.
Arthur and Bad Saxon Dude have a heart to heart. They decide not to have a go right then, so just one person dies, but rather bring the armies in, so everyone dies. Good plan. At the same time the horses of the knights, who are really killed warriors and obviously ashamed of the boys just leaving Arthur behind, won't go on. So, the boys turn back to join Arthur. Silly boys.
Tristan hasn't got a hawk anymore :( That's a bad omen. Also, Bad Saxon Dude and Sonny Bad Saxon are starting to feel bad about the whole gig.
The knights are together again, huzzah! What could possibly go wrong? Arthur gives them a pep talk about how Home is not back home, but in your soul as long as you're free (or some shit like this, I didn't listen), and we get a nice shiny Excalibur moment. Also, Ginny and the Nac Mac Feegle attack. Yay, battle! *yawns*
Dooooom! Lancelot spies Ginny being in danger of getting gutted by Sonny Bad Saxon. After confirming that Arthur is busy elsewhere, Lancelot gets softhearted and decides to rescue his boyfriend's girlfriend. Which turns out to be a bad idea, because Lancelot gets stabnated. Oh noez! But as he's totally hardcore, he manages to kill Sonny Bad Saxon while he's dying himself. Goodnight, sweet prince *sniffles* I SAID I'VE JUST GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE, OH-KAY?!
Arthur proceeds to end Bad Saxon Dude, who just ended Tristan. Told you losing the hawk was a bad omen :( So, the battle is over. See me cheer.
WOE!! Lancelot has truly been offed! Arthur now hates his god and does some cradling and a bit more angsting. Ginny looks crestfallen as well, probably because she was secretly hoping for a threesome. It's all so so sad.
Lancelot and Tristan get burnated, and everyone looks pouty. At least Gawain and Galahad are still there, so one canonically gay couple survives. Out of options, Arthur marries Ginny. Well, if you squint a bit, she looks like Lancelot, so it's cool. Speaking of Lancelot - Voiceover!Ghost!Lancelot tells us it's all cool, cause Dagonet, Tristan, and him are famous heroes now and live on as horses, which is totally awesome. And I seriously need to get this something out of my eyes now. Bye.