havent had a good long rant in a while :-p
cut because this got really long and i know how you bitches dont like long posts on your f-lists
ive just had 2 and a half hours of fashion on tv. i feel extremely shallow right now. i watched 2 episodes of project runway. Tina and Emmie - if you guys are reading this i think sweet p needs to be adopted by us, only because i think sweet pea and tina look alike and tina and i look alike :-p. anyway, after pr i watched this weird documentary about marc jacobs and his work for louis vuitton. first of all, i dont like most louis vuitton and i like just about as much marc jacobs. i hate hate hate having brand monograms plastered all over everything. its tacky. to me its like the middle aged millionaire in california. he goes out and buys a red ferrari just to scream to the world that he's got money when in reality having 3 million dollares in l.a. or the bay area is nothing. it gets you an ok house and maybe an ok view. having LV all over a bag, shoes or whatever just seems like ridiculous insecurity to me. "hey look at me! im cool! ive got an LV bag and i want the whole goddamned world to know that ive got this bag and hey look its made by LV! im cool right? right guys?" gah. its stupid.
so yeah. at one point in the documentary the camera/film maker people were talking to marc jacobs in this gorgeous hotel room in tokyo. i dont remember what the exact question was but he was saying that some artist in new york makes him feel better about himself because he basically doesnt feel that fashion in important. he feels that art, well...fine Art (yes there is a difference between art and Art) is so much more important and valuable than fashion. that got to me because i feel so close to the clothing sometimes. its that same fight with being shallow that i keep comming back to with myself. ive felt like ive been going through an identity crisis for 4-5 years and the only way to come out of that is to buy clothing. it seems wrong to be so materialistic when i could be spending my time, money and energy on something REALLY important like helping the homeless, volunteering to hold babies at a hospital, working to make changes in how big of an ecological footprint people leave on the world. you know, noble crap like that. of course i find all of that important and im whole life ive been the type to get upset about being helpless to make those sorts of necessary changes and yet i find myself completely uninpsired to go and actually do something about it. i feel COMPLETELY guilty that if i ahd the money i'd probably have enough clothing and other useless material goods that would equal in value enough food to feed a whole town of people in need.
i just dont know how to reconcile those two things. i love clothing. i love the costume-ish way clothing is, that i can potentially wake up and be a new character every day simply but putting on different pants. i love the craftsmanship of couture, of expensive shoes and one of a kind things people make. i also really really struggle with the fact that in lots of alternative lifestyle scenes people tend to be very hypocritical about dress. one has to look the part to fit in and if you dont you obviously dont get "it." this is ridiculous because it takes just as much time and energy to really LOOK hip hop, goth, punk, skater, lolita, indie/emo or whatever as it does to collect lots of abercrombie and look very mainstream. part of the problem im sure is that i have ecclectic tastes. i want the new alexander mcqueen shoes, i want that damned innocent world bag shaped like a house and i'd probably drag around a babyphat bag while wearing a vintage 60's cocktail dress. i hate to admit it because its shallow and frivolous but struggling to come to terms with the fact that its ok that i LOVE clothing is emotionally draining.
in fact, im having equal struggles with Art. santa cruz ruined me there. fine Art is useless, pretentious bullshit. the messages artists have tried to convey over the last 100 years has been so encrypted within the language that only Art people speak that its alienated the world it seeks to change. i mean, hell, you have to waste $40k and get a degree like i did before you can understand why yves klein (who is an arrogant piece of shit, btw) is important. all he did was "invent" a new blue paint and ask some models to roll around in it then onto canvas. he irritates me more than mark rothko and jackson pollack combined. the art world is ridiculously exclusive and incestuous and it pisses me off but i still want to be a part of it! it makes no sense! this is another world that is full of people buying and making material goods that are completely useless and only serve to make more money to make more useless frivolity. a 5 foot solid blue canvas is not going to solve hunger problems, its not going to fix darfur, its not going give back the ozone we've killed but i, just like millions of other people still spend the $6-8 bucks in gas to drive to the train station to pay the $11 to get to san francisco to pay $12 to go and see single color canvases and a turn of the century urinal signed in a fake name. thats about $40 i could have spent on 3 coats of children who needed them. i just dont get what drives me or anyone else to do this kind of thing.
now, i will say that creativity is what makes us human. fashion and art are equally creative processes but the end product seems so useless. yeah fashion is an outward expression of an inner personality but i have a hard time with the idea that those stupid ultramarine suede pumps with the big buckle at macys were on clearance and that by spending my time and money on shoes and makeup im turning my back on things that are important. for a while i wanted to change the world with my photography. i liked the idea that i could produce images that were gritty, full of decay and hopefully emotionally charged. i dont think i ever did actually produce anything that was what i wanted art to actually do - to reach out and punch you in the chest. thats my own fault and still have the means to do it really im just lazy and unmotivated most of the time not to mention scared to do it. the fact that i actually tried to make images that meant something in a visual language that was accessible to normal people is comforting, which now that i think about it is the only reason why i never had a problem in making pictures. i had some vague idea of showing some world that people ignore. like those evil peta people who stand outside grocery stores with pictures of slaughter houses to get people to sign petitions. i will never deny them the right to do that but to me its damn near terrorism. i actually like that they force that particular truth on to people. i wish they wouldnt do it to me, but whatever. growing up in a town that was constantly full of the absolute bottom rung of society but having family across the country who own more than one luxury car (my uncle has a porche and a jag and their house is 3 stories, 4.5 baths, 6 bedrooms...you get the picture) made me always want to throw that in people's faces. if i were living in the same situation as i was when i was 10 i'd have a full portfolio of meth head portraits and the decay that that particular addiction causes not only to people but to their environments. that neighborhood has improved somewhat in terms of drug use (gangs, poverty and ignorance are another story) and all of that sort of thing is not as visible anymore but i can honestly say if i were a braver person that is exactly the sort of environment i would thrive in as a photographer. people would hate me and call me exploitative i know it but its still something they need to see.
all of what i just said just makes me feel even more confused about myself. i have all of these ideas, albeit they stem from bitterness, about how i actually could change the world with art and still an ill fitting pair of jeans can ruin my day and make me miserable. it bothers me that a physical object could have so much impact on my mood and even how i feel about myself as a person. i constantly ask myself if my passion for clothing and costume (because thats what it is, which i hate to say) makes me a bad person even if i do wear jeans most days. i know im not completely stupid but there is a stigma attached to having a collectors mentality with clothing. if you have an overfull closet you must be an idiot. beside being stupid you're dull and useless. ive been called an oxymoron before and im fine with that in every aspect of myself but this. its the only part of me that i cant explain. at the end of the day jeans are just jeans, shoes are just shoes, a tshirt is just a tshirt. none of these things will last forever. wearing them wont give me some sort of super powers that will effect change but god help me if i will ever step out of the house in a baggy mens suit made out of chartreuse silk or something else just as ridiculous. why should it matter what i have on as long as my body is protected? why should it matter how other people perceive me? ive yet to hear a first impression of me that was even close to being right.
anyway, enough of that. my stream of consciousness has run out.
if anyone has gotten to the end of this and actually read the whole thing then i commend you :-p
edit: also, guys, seriously if you read this whole thing and have some sort of thoughts then tell me! even if you think they're stupid. i hate writing big ol long things like this and not getting a response. ive got no one else to talk to but the internet! im THAT sad of a person lol!