(no subject)
I'd kill right now for a shoulder to cry on. I need some sort of physical comfort and have nowhere to turn. Haven't had for a while.
I'm so very close to done with my parents. I've put a ton of distance between me and mom. I can't support her if she never (ever ever ever) chooses me. If she always chooses him ahead of me, despite what he's done. Done to her. To me. You'd never forgive him if he didn't let you go to the wedding? Huh, that kinda implies that you *have* forgiven him for what he's done before. Like making me anorexic. Like exacerbating my mental issues a thousand percent. Like everything I can't talk about, even here. I've told her as much. She has excuses. They're not good enough for me.
"Burn everything you love and burn the ashes"
"You all assume I'm safe here in my room"
There's so much I can destroy if I'm pushed too far. They don't understand how dangerous I can be.
I don't matter. I'm not worth fighting for. No one will ever love me.
"You are what you love, not who loves you." That would be more comforting if there was anything I loved any more. I've been broken of my passion for sports. Crochet has become an obligation. I still have some slight interest in tapestry weaving, but that'll probably blow over soon. I'm so much more empty than ever before.
I actually considered talking to the transitional deacon at our church. He's taken a liking to me for no apparent reason - told me he likes seeing me on the altar, that I look so pious. Given that I've been crying at Mass pretty much every week for, well, a while, and that the weeks I'm not crying, I'm numb and cold, I don't know where he's gotten that. Maybe it's just that I'm the one EM near his age. I probably won't actually talk to him since he knows (for a vague definition of the word) mom, but having that as an option is slightly soothing.
My co-worker's son died very suddenly a few weeks ago. My father expressed irritation that my co-worker took 'so long' to get back to work after - six business days. He also had little patience for his friend whose son committed suicide a few years ago.
It struck me this afternoon that perhaps his lack of sympathy reflects how little he'd care if anything happened to his only child.
(Mom also claimed she'd be back to work within a week. This is not the best thing to tell a child with a history of depression and low self-worth. I mean, unless you're *trying* to reinforce that child's feeling that they don't matter.)
I'm just so alone. But how can I reach out when I don't matter? Why bother if no one will ever love me? I always have that little voice in my head that says "No one cares." It's why I can't bring myself to participate in...anything, really. It's why I can never put myself out. Not in the manor. Not on the Toast. Hell, not even in real life. I'm ok here and on twitter because I know I'm just shouting into the void - I'm not bothering anyone. But anywhere else, I just get this image of someone wrinkling their nose and going "Who is this? Go away."
Why put forth any effort, when nothing matters anyway?
"Everything collides
My childhood spat back out the monster that you see"
I'm so very close to done with my parents. I've put a ton of distance between me and mom. I can't support her if she never (ever ever ever) chooses me. If she always chooses him ahead of me, despite what he's done. Done to her. To me. You'd never forgive him if he didn't let you go to the wedding? Huh, that kinda implies that you *have* forgiven him for what he's done before. Like making me anorexic. Like exacerbating my mental issues a thousand percent. Like everything I can't talk about, even here. I've told her as much. She has excuses. They're not good enough for me.
"Burn everything you love and burn the ashes"
"You all assume I'm safe here in my room"
There's so much I can destroy if I'm pushed too far. They don't understand how dangerous I can be.
I don't matter. I'm not worth fighting for. No one will ever love me.
"You are what you love, not who loves you." That would be more comforting if there was anything I loved any more. I've been broken of my passion for sports. Crochet has become an obligation. I still have some slight interest in tapestry weaving, but that'll probably blow over soon. I'm so much more empty than ever before.
I actually considered talking to the transitional deacon at our church. He's taken a liking to me for no apparent reason - told me he likes seeing me on the altar, that I look so pious. Given that I've been crying at Mass pretty much every week for, well, a while, and that the weeks I'm not crying, I'm numb and cold, I don't know where he's gotten that. Maybe it's just that I'm the one EM near his age. I probably won't actually talk to him since he knows (for a vague definition of the word) mom, but having that as an option is slightly soothing.
My co-worker's son died very suddenly a few weeks ago. My father expressed irritation that my co-worker took 'so long' to get back to work after - six business days. He also had little patience for his friend whose son committed suicide a few years ago.
It struck me this afternoon that perhaps his lack of sympathy reflects how little he'd care if anything happened to his only child.
(Mom also claimed she'd be back to work within a week. This is not the best thing to tell a child with a history of depression and low self-worth. I mean, unless you're *trying* to reinforce that child's feeling that they don't matter.)
I'm just so alone. But how can I reach out when I don't matter? Why bother if no one will ever love me? I always have that little voice in my head that says "No one cares." It's why I can't bring myself to participate in...anything, really. It's why I can never put myself out. Not in the manor. Not on the Toast. Hell, not even in real life. I'm ok here and on twitter because I know I'm just shouting into the void - I'm not bothering anyone. But anywhere else, I just get this image of someone wrinkling their nose and going "Who is this? Go away."
Why put forth any effort, when nothing matters anyway?
"Everything collides
My childhood spat back out the monster that you see"