give me a minute a mans got a limit i cant get a life if my hearts not in it

Feb 28, 2007 08:42

I have been feeling the urge to write about what has been going on in my life but it is such a cliched thing nowadays to be downtrodden that i doubt there is anything i can say that hasnt already been shouted from the rooftops. But then again it's the truth and the venting will probably help me.

This entire month has been filled with hope and disappointment. Hope for a life that I am proud of. hope for contentment and love of myself that is more than superficial. Disappointment because I was forced to see that I have made a number of bad decisions based solely on proving my own worth which was complicated by others pointing out limitations that I was trying desperately to ignore out of existence.

"I thought you could do it, mare. I thought you were stronger than that"

My body hates me and the hatred I have for it has grown exponentially in the last few months/years. I'm tired of being in pain 24 hours a day and sleep would be nice once in a while.

How do you explain to people that you dont care about anything - not just them. That when you snap it isnt the first or second or even third time you thought it. its really hard to not take it out on everyone else because they just dont know. Unfortunately i'm the only person that has any idea and it's frustrating and lonely and fuckingPAINFULLLLLL so i'm sorry if i'm a bit moody. i dont want to be a jerkface in fact i really just want to be a good person and have a simple life.

but how am i supposed to work to pay bills and go to school and have a life that i enjoy when i dont ever see an end to the bullshit. I only see things going downhill healthwise thus downhill financially and there it all goes.

I no longer dream of changing the world or even going to grad school. I would like to just get out of debt before i die. and for what? classes I never go to and a degree that wont get me more than a position in a psychward. This whole live to work thing is not my idea of a life worth living.

I cant live my life the way i want to and i cant even have some backwards satisfaction from living it the way other people want me to either. I'm stuck in this damn limbo area where if i could only reach a little farther or give up completely things would be ok but i cant and i cant figure out what to do about it.

and while all of this is running through my head I think about the people that i love (and that obviously love me very much to let me trek halfway across the world in search of something i'm never going to find) and how guilty i feel for not being more cheerful, more energetic, more... everything. I think of how much they give me and the stress i put them through. how i feel guilty for wanting to die. how I look forward to a day that most people fear and wish i would also.

i dont know whether i can handle waking up to my body everyday. I mean i HAVE to... but that doesnt make it easy or enjoyable or even tolerable. i have this rage that i cant get rid of that follows me where ever i go and gets taken out on unsuspecting passersby that happen to question my ability.

The worst part is having people tell you to go to therapy. i've been to therapy and i've talked and talked and talked. let me tell you something about talking that may come as a suprise - it often makes things worse not better. I could talk about everything that is bothering me until the fucking moon melts but it hasnt and will not fix a single thing. Talking wont give me my life back. talking wont pay my bills. talking wont cure my pain. talking will however give other people the wrong idea.

haha i was just thinking about this stupid little thing about my life that is annoying the hell out of me. Nancy Jablonski from the study abroad office has been emailing me about returning from Vietnam and all the financial repercussion that comes along with and she kept saying "enjoy your break" ....... WTF?! Does this sound like a motherfucking VACATION!? I owe thousands of dollars to a program i left! I cant make it through the day without crying! I cant sleep at night! i'm in CONSTANT PAIN! I want to strangle everyone that isnt in my close cluster of friends! i feel worthless! i have no job! i have a shitty car that's going to leave me stranded somewhere between here and ann arbor probably at the most inconvenient time imaginable!

a break is definitely what i need. i didnt get it. so dont rub it in and smear it around like you have the best magic stain cleaner because its fucking redwine bitchezzzzzzzz and it's never coming out so just forget it.

im out.

life?

Previous post Next post
Up