quarantine thoughts
Even as recently as a month ago, I would say to nearly anyone who asked that moving to Barcelona was the best decision I could have made. One year ago, I was working from my condo that I shared with my husband - and we were separating. It was incredibly isolating - I spent much of my day on Zoom as my co-workers were in different time-zones across the globe. The life and path I had been on was gone and I couldn’t go back home to live with my aging parents in Wisconsin, but I was also afraid to move too far from them in case something happened, as my siblings are in different states.
I moved to the one location where I'd at least be among people all day - the last 5+ years of my life were gone but at least I didn't have to get a new job and I was getting back to a new normal. Back in the US, everyone noted how much happier I was starting to look in photos of me with my new co-workers and eventually, new BCN friends.
Nine months later, now that I’m back to work-from-home 100%, it feels like PTSD of what my life was a year ago. It isn’t shocking I spiraled so quickly, now that I’ve started typing it out. My work is more demanding than ever with my bosses being unrealistic with their expectations of me. They state otherwise and act like they are being benevolent to everyone, and then contradict themselves directly to me, plus add pressure as if I have control over the profit of the company (I control revenue, not profits) and now that we are no longer profitable, imply I am indirectly responsible if other people will lose their jobs. This is not me being hyperbolic, it is the last conversation I had with my boss before I took the last two workdays off.
The anxiety of my work is overwhelming me and I've lost perspective. I’m told by literally everyone to not quit my job (since I keep threatening to) but I no longer have a physical support network here in BCN except for one person - Daniel. And I guess he was told by someone at the company that we should not be seeing each other during this because that implies we are breaking the quarantine rules (going back and forth to each other’s apartments to see each other.) But we have no one else here - so I find that expectation outrageous. Without him, I'd be truly isolated and I'd have lost it weeks ago.
Donny’s death hit me really hard. He was such a good person. It means anyone could die, no matter how cautious (Donny was smart, he wouldn't have been a dumbass American risking shit) or young. I guess I already did the thought experiment of what I’d do if my parents got sick/died... after 2011 with my Dad, this is a regular conversation in the Brannen family… my mother plans a vacation and we literally have to discuss logistics every single time for EITHER of them... but it became more real when it could also be Betsy, Michael, or Donnchadh.
I know they also have had to think about what they’d do if it happened to me.
I moved to the one location where I'd at least be among people all day - the last 5+ years of my life were gone but at least I didn't have to get a new job and I was getting back to a new normal. Back in the US, everyone noted how much happier I was starting to look in photos of me with my new co-workers and eventually, new BCN friends.
Nine months later, now that I’m back to work-from-home 100%, it feels like PTSD of what my life was a year ago. It isn’t shocking I spiraled so quickly, now that I’ve started typing it out. My work is more demanding than ever with my bosses being unrealistic with their expectations of me. They state otherwise and act like they are being benevolent to everyone, and then contradict themselves directly to me, plus add pressure as if I have control over the profit of the company (I control revenue, not profits) and now that we are no longer profitable, imply I am indirectly responsible if other people will lose their jobs. This is not me being hyperbolic, it is the last conversation I had with my boss before I took the last two workdays off.
The anxiety of my work is overwhelming me and I've lost perspective. I’m told by literally everyone to not quit my job (since I keep threatening to) but I no longer have a physical support network here in BCN except for one person - Daniel. And I guess he was told by someone at the company that we should not be seeing each other during this because that implies we are breaking the quarantine rules (going back and forth to each other’s apartments to see each other.) But we have no one else here - so I find that expectation outrageous. Without him, I'd be truly isolated and I'd have lost it weeks ago.
Donny’s death hit me really hard. He was such a good person. It means anyone could die, no matter how cautious (Donny was smart, he wouldn't have been a dumbass American risking shit) or young. I guess I already did the thought experiment of what I’d do if my parents got sick/died... after 2011 with my Dad, this is a regular conversation in the Brannen family… my mother plans a vacation and we literally have to discuss logistics every single time for EITHER of them... but it became more real when it could also be Betsy, Michael, or Donnchadh.
I know they also have had to think about what they’d do if it happened to me.