Day Three
So today I started keeping a journal. Of everything, grief over G, grief over my Dad, my pain in the ass mother. I'm sure that some of my friends are sick of hearing me talk about it already, and I know some aren't. It's kind of just coming up as verbal garbage and I'm used to talking to G about everytime I'm upset. I'm just so blind sided, I'm trying to pick out the red flags that I may have missed, but what he did in the last like week or two just does NOT indicate it at all. Coming to the lib to study with me, fixing my coat, going out with me Saturday, taking care of me friday, getting insanely angry when someone upset me, have sex with me the weekend prior. NOTHING.
Goddammit
This is going to be the worst holiday season for me even WITH G in the picture, and now...now it's completely ruined. NYE is just going to be shitty as hell, everyone I want to be with is going to be at his birthday party and someone mentioned that I should go too...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That wont even be a whole two weeks after the break up that I'll have to see him? No way.
I listed in detail to AJ all of the things I heard G complain about in the past couple months, his dad, his finan. sitch, his roommates are unhappy and bring him down, his grades weren't what he wanted, he feels his band doesn't necessarily accept him as a full member and may want the old guitarist back. All of these things, all of them I listened and supported and tried to cheer him up and I'm the one that gets dropped. That doesn't seem fair...or right.
It's not like having stress in your life doesn't lead to anxiety about your relationships, lord knows when things got crappy in my life I got anxious about my relationship(about all the relationships in my life)...after all I am generally an anxious person. I've gone through stages where I'm kind of depressed and my feelings for things aren't as clear as they could be, but the thing is I worked through it and then things were brighter.
I feel slighted that I'm the thing that gets dropped, that I'm the thing that gets blamed for his unhappiness when all I wanted was for him to be happy.
Alright here is my Positive and Negative of the Day:
Negative:
-I'm horny
-I spent 2.5 hours shoveling the driveway
-I cried
-I have a perma-tummy ache
-I got snowed in
-Mother yelled at me
Positive:
-I made an awesome feel good play list for the treadmill and life
-I actually felt okay for a little bit of the day
-I talked to AJ
-I started a journal
-I'm down an undisclosed amount of weight, but lets just say it's a nice number
-I laughed
Goddammit
This is going to be the worst holiday season for me even WITH G in the picture, and now...now it's completely ruined. NYE is just going to be shitty as hell, everyone I want to be with is going to be at his birthday party and someone mentioned that I should go too...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That wont even be a whole two weeks after the break up that I'll have to see him? No way.
I listed in detail to AJ all of the things I heard G complain about in the past couple months, his dad, his finan. sitch, his roommates are unhappy and bring him down, his grades weren't what he wanted, he feels his band doesn't necessarily accept him as a full member and may want the old guitarist back. All of these things, all of them I listened and supported and tried to cheer him up and I'm the one that gets dropped. That doesn't seem fair...or right.
It's not like having stress in your life doesn't lead to anxiety about your relationships, lord knows when things got crappy in my life I got anxious about my relationship(about all the relationships in my life)...after all I am generally an anxious person. I've gone through stages where I'm kind of depressed and my feelings for things aren't as clear as they could be, but the thing is I worked through it and then things were brighter.
I feel slighted that I'm the thing that gets dropped, that I'm the thing that gets blamed for his unhappiness when all I wanted was for him to be happy.
Alright here is my Positive and Negative of the Day:
Negative:
-I'm horny
-I spent 2.5 hours shoveling the driveway
-I cried
-I have a perma-tummy ache
-I got snowed in
-Mother yelled at me
Positive:
-I made an awesome feel good play list for the treadmill and life
-I actually felt okay for a little bit of the day
-I talked to AJ
-I started a journal
-I'm down an undisclosed amount of weight, but lets just say it's a nice number
-I laughed