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Well... It's time for another ending in my life. God, I hate endings. I know I won't even realize how much I miss New Era untill it's over, either. But at least there is next year. Still, so many days without seeing Jamie Reed, Jerry, Matt, Matt's cute mother Cheryl, Chelsea, all the instructors, Shawna... ok you get the point. I'm not gonna list everyone because I will miss everyone so much in their own ways. Even Steph I probably won't see as often as I do now; every weekend!! Man, we have to hang out still. I wish I could say that for everyone but I know for a fact that I will probably see very few New Era-ians between now and next season, and some never again. Anyway, time to dedicate this post to Cedric since I just found out that people still actually talk to him!! Man, that's like being one of the apostles after Jesus died and hearing that people had seen Jesus again and didn't even think much of it. I just want to say goodbye. I don't even know why... I just don't feel right with him up and leaving and me admiring him and looking up to him so much then BAM!!! Oh, guess what... I'll never see him again... No big deal, right?? Well it was. I don't know why, but it was. I found these things that I have kept that remind me of him. This is a poem I wrote during the last few days of colorguard at Skyview, before I knew I was gonna do Drum Corps or New Era. This is when I thought it was all over:
When it's all over
I've never done something so worthwhile before
It's the little things that have made it my passion
Like saying "Dana" with Missy in outdoor
And hearing Cedric's concerns about fashion
But I still never knew how important it was
To spend so much time with these people each day
And now I can see it's my passion because
It hurts so much to know that it's going away
I just wanted to do Colorguard
I never thought it would make me cry
And now I'm scared it's gonna be hard
I'm so afraid to say goodbye
It began at band camp in the sun
The hours were long, things were hard to do
But I was dancing and it was fun
I made friends, but still I never knew
Somewhere in time things changed for me
Now I'm happier here than anywhere
And though I know it can't always be
I still wish this would last forever
How did I get so close to you all?
When did it become so much more?
I'm scared to think I'll never be called
Mary Christmas like I was before
It can't be over, I can't be done
I feel like I have just begun
I want to dance again in the sun
I want to do run after run after run
I always thought I would feel relief
After finishing my senior year
But now all I feel is disbelief
Like I belong nowhere but here
The feeling of magic after a show
Is one of the best I'll ever know
When we gave it our greatest fight
And everything just felt so right
I want to hear Patrick say "Diva" and "yesss!"
When we finally do a phrase very good
And tell us we're moving like Molassas
When we reset slower than we should
I want to see Daeryck do more silly dances
And make fun of me in a squeaky voice
I want to watch him smile as he prances
I don't want this to end, but I have no choice
I want Cedric to keep helping me with the rifle
I want him to tell us more random facts
About Peptides, and retarded brothers, and Grendell
And prepare for a show as he helps us relax
I'll never dance on our glowing blue floor
I'll never throw my rifle too high
I'll never wait in the stands for our score
I'll never hear Cedric say "Boy's lie"
I'll never forget a costume at home
I'll never hide with no flag in a show
I'll never miss a grand march all alone
I'll never do any of this again, but I know
I'll never forget how good it felt
To hear I was doing some rifle work right
I'll never forget how good Cedric smelt
When he passed me at rehearsal each night
And though there have been some hard times from the start
I'll never forget how I conquered my fears
The people I've met will always be in my heart
I'll never forget these past two years
I wrote this poem for myself, but a few days after I wrote it Cedric gave us all this assignment to write about what Passion was and if Winterguard was our passion.... so I added that begining part about passion and used this as my letter. He wrote us all letters back and it was really cute and I still have mine and I know Steph still has hers and I think Sarah also still has hers... pretty much everyone kept theirs because it meant a lot at the time and it still means a lot... here is his letter to me:
Mary -
There aren't many of my students that I admire as much as you. No one will ever be able to touch your work ethic! Your inward beauty shines above the crowd and that's why everyone loves you! Never Change! Your letter was the high point of the assignment for me. I will miss you terribly! - Cedric
P.S. So do you wanna come to drum corps??
Then I went!!! And it was flippin sweet. And I was reading this old journal of mine last sunday and I found another poem I wrote a few months after southwind was over and I finally accepted that I would never see Cedric again and I realized that the reason that this made me feel so sad was because he is the first person I really think saw something in me, saw a passion and a potential. And I had such bad self esteem and confidence untill I met him... now I feel like I can be someone, not just in colorguard, but in life. And I don't think he even knew what effect he had. Anyway, I wrote this poem a long time ago and I thought it sucked really bad then, but looking back I think it is good. Oh yea, it's also after I found out about him lying about money for my tuition and whatever else:
Cedric
I know you've done things wrong
But that doesn't mean shit
I love you because
I see you're alive
In a world where so few are
And you're gone
You'll always be gone
But part of you is still here
What if you knew
I bought a postcard
With a black hand holding white
Because it reminded me
Of how you held me up
Showed me I was worth something
What if you knew
You meant the world to me
And sometimes I'm so ashamed of myself
But I hold onto the memory
Of you and what you gave me
And I see I may still have in me
What you thought you saw
When you called me Christmas
Ok, that's about it I suppose. I need to move on, but at the same time I don't. I think I am starting to realize that people will leave... I just thought I knew it already because my birthmom, grandpa, sister, and dogs died. But whatever... this is different. Definitely not worse, but not much better. I found these other two poems about my mother when I found that last one because I wrote them the same day:
Don't
I don't need you to understand me
But please pretend you do
I don't need you to be confident I'll succeed
But don't tell me I won't
I don't need you home every night
But please show me you care
I just wish I felt
More like you were there
And less like
You wanted me to know
That life is hard
And bad
And the most I can hope for
Is occasional peace
And maybe a good night's sleep
Once in awhile
Why don't you see
there's so much more?
Maybe your flame's gone out
But please don't smother mine
Mommy
Me and my Mom
She comes home at 2 AM
and into my room, says hi to the dog
I ask her where she's been
"I'll tell you tomorrow" she says
I know she's been out drinking
Pretending things are
Everything they're not
But I don't blame her
Because I've been somewhere too
I've been alone
And I've been hurting
Because nothing fills me up
It never will
I don't know what I'm missing
But I know it's gone from her, too
We both have holes
I hope she can't see mine
When I tell her goodnight
Pretending things are
Everything they're not
Well, that's about it. Those poems were pretty sad, and I know they aren't true all of the time. I will always know that my mother loves me and supports me and that she is the best mom I could ever possibly have. I think that is the reason I never really felt so upset about my birth mom. Because when it comes down to it, I don't think it would be possible for me to be raised by anyone better than the mom I have, the only mom I have ever had. I love her so much, but it seems like she isn't as happy as she could be, like she's given up on life or something... and that's sad. But I don't know what she could do to have a better life or 'live' more, whatever that means. It just seems like she is so empty sometimes and I hope she's not really, underneath. I hope that I read her wrong. I don't feel shaky anymore.... that makes me happy! And I made some jello earlier and I'm gonna go see if it's set yet. I think it should be!!! I haven't eaten jello in years, I'm pretty excited.
When it's all over
I've never done something so worthwhile before
It's the little things that have made it my passion
Like saying "Dana" with Missy in outdoor
And hearing Cedric's concerns about fashion
But I still never knew how important it was
To spend so much time with these people each day
And now I can see it's my passion because
It hurts so much to know that it's going away
I just wanted to do Colorguard
I never thought it would make me cry
And now I'm scared it's gonna be hard
I'm so afraid to say goodbye
It began at band camp in the sun
The hours were long, things were hard to do
But I was dancing and it was fun
I made friends, but still I never knew
Somewhere in time things changed for me
Now I'm happier here than anywhere
And though I know it can't always be
I still wish this would last forever
How did I get so close to you all?
When did it become so much more?
I'm scared to think I'll never be called
Mary Christmas like I was before
It can't be over, I can't be done
I feel like I have just begun
I want to dance again in the sun
I want to do run after run after run
I always thought I would feel relief
After finishing my senior year
But now all I feel is disbelief
Like I belong nowhere but here
The feeling of magic after a show
Is one of the best I'll ever know
When we gave it our greatest fight
And everything just felt so right
I want to hear Patrick say "Diva" and "yesss!"
When we finally do a phrase very good
And tell us we're moving like Molassas
When we reset slower than we should
I want to see Daeryck do more silly dances
And make fun of me in a squeaky voice
I want to watch him smile as he prances
I don't want this to end, but I have no choice
I want Cedric to keep helping me with the rifle
I want him to tell us more random facts
About Peptides, and retarded brothers, and Grendell
And prepare for a show as he helps us relax
I'll never dance on our glowing blue floor
I'll never throw my rifle too high
I'll never wait in the stands for our score
I'll never hear Cedric say "Boy's lie"
I'll never forget a costume at home
I'll never hide with no flag in a show
I'll never miss a grand march all alone
I'll never do any of this again, but I know
I'll never forget how good it felt
To hear I was doing some rifle work right
I'll never forget how good Cedric smelt
When he passed me at rehearsal each night
And though there have been some hard times from the start
I'll never forget how I conquered my fears
The people I've met will always be in my heart
I'll never forget these past two years
I wrote this poem for myself, but a few days after I wrote it Cedric gave us all this assignment to write about what Passion was and if Winterguard was our passion.... so I added that begining part about passion and used this as my letter. He wrote us all letters back and it was really cute and I still have mine and I know Steph still has hers and I think Sarah also still has hers... pretty much everyone kept theirs because it meant a lot at the time and it still means a lot... here is his letter to me:
Mary -
There aren't many of my students that I admire as much as you. No one will ever be able to touch your work ethic! Your inward beauty shines above the crowd and that's why everyone loves you! Never Change! Your letter was the high point of the assignment for me. I will miss you terribly! - Cedric
P.S. So do you wanna come to drum corps??
Then I went!!! And it was flippin sweet. And I was reading this old journal of mine last sunday and I found another poem I wrote a few months after southwind was over and I finally accepted that I would never see Cedric again and I realized that the reason that this made me feel so sad was because he is the first person I really think saw something in me, saw a passion and a potential. And I had such bad self esteem and confidence untill I met him... now I feel like I can be someone, not just in colorguard, but in life. And I don't think he even knew what effect he had. Anyway, I wrote this poem a long time ago and I thought it sucked really bad then, but looking back I think it is good. Oh yea, it's also after I found out about him lying about money for my tuition and whatever else:
Cedric
I know you've done things wrong
But that doesn't mean shit
I love you because
I see you're alive
In a world where so few are
And you're gone
You'll always be gone
But part of you is still here
What if you knew
I bought a postcard
With a black hand holding white
Because it reminded me
Of how you held me up
Showed me I was worth something
What if you knew
You meant the world to me
And sometimes I'm so ashamed of myself
But I hold onto the memory
Of you and what you gave me
And I see I may still have in me
What you thought you saw
When you called me Christmas
Ok, that's about it I suppose. I need to move on, but at the same time I don't. I think I am starting to realize that people will leave... I just thought I knew it already because my birthmom, grandpa, sister, and dogs died. But whatever... this is different. Definitely not worse, but not much better. I found these other two poems about my mother when I found that last one because I wrote them the same day:
Don't
I don't need you to understand me
But please pretend you do
I don't need you to be confident I'll succeed
But don't tell me I won't
I don't need you home every night
But please show me you care
I just wish I felt
More like you were there
And less like
You wanted me to know
That life is hard
And bad
And the most I can hope for
Is occasional peace
And maybe a good night's sleep
Once in awhile
Why don't you see
there's so much more?
Maybe your flame's gone out
But please don't smother mine
Mommy
Me and my Mom
She comes home at 2 AM
and into my room, says hi to the dog
I ask her where she's been
"I'll tell you tomorrow" she says
I know she's been out drinking
Pretending things are
Everything they're not
But I don't blame her
Because I've been somewhere too
I've been alone
And I've been hurting
Because nothing fills me up
It never will
I don't know what I'm missing
But I know it's gone from her, too
We both have holes
I hope she can't see mine
When I tell her goodnight
Pretending things are
Everything they're not
Well, that's about it. Those poems were pretty sad, and I know they aren't true all of the time. I will always know that my mother loves me and supports me and that she is the best mom I could ever possibly have. I think that is the reason I never really felt so upset about my birth mom. Because when it comes down to it, I don't think it would be possible for me to be raised by anyone better than the mom I have, the only mom I have ever had. I love her so much, but it seems like she isn't as happy as she could be, like she's given up on life or something... and that's sad. But I don't know what she could do to have a better life or 'live' more, whatever that means. It just seems like she is so empty sometimes and I hope she's not really, underneath. I hope that I read her wrong. I don't feel shaky anymore.... that makes me happy! And I made some jello earlier and I'm gonna go see if it's set yet. I think it should be!!! I haven't eaten jello in years, I'm pretty excited.