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i miss my mom. a lot. and i feel like such a horrible person as i look back on last summer. i left the country the day before she went into the hospital. i was gone for two weeks. i barely stayed home to be with her. at least thats what it seems like. it feels like i was always gone. that whole summer. i was out everyday. and then school and dance. i was even at dance the night before she died. i went to bed, easily too. and my dad came and woke me up to tell me. and i just fell back to sleep. i went out the day she died. and pretty much everyday before and after. i didnt even pay my last respects to my own mother. the day before she died, the girls came over to visit and pretty much say goodbye. i stayed outside the whole time except to go into the kitchen and eat. and i took my food back outside. i swept dirt off the sidewalk in front of my house.all my friends went in to sit with my mom. even though she was asleep. i just stayed outside. i remember jessica spent a lot of time in there with my mom. i was mad at that fact at that moment. but now i look back and think how awesome she was to have done that. i went out to eat with my friends. i went to dance. i came home. i sat in front of the computer. what else do i ever do with my life. i talked to the nurse that had to stay up all night with her. i wish i had just sat for a couple minutes and talked to her. idk if she would have been able to hear me. i said "i love you mummy" and i kissed her like i did all the time and then i just went to bed. i didnt stay up. i didnt do anything. i slept. my dad woke me up a few hours later and she was gone. i went back to sleep. i barely woke up in the first place. i didnt get up, i didnt go downstairs to be with my family. or even with her. nothing. i woke up in the morning and stayed in my room. i heard everyone downstairs but didnt wanna go down. everyone was in good spirits. which was a good thing. i called jess and all the girls were there asap. i went down and i laid on her hospital bed. thats weird i know but it made me feel better. my little neice sat with me and i just hugged her for as long as she would let me.for some reason, i see so much of my mom in her. probly cuz my mom used to watch her everyday for awhile and thats how i remember seeing my neice, with my mom. i remember how uncomfortable courtney was walking into my house that day. but i was so grateful cuz she still came for me. i remember me and leila just held each other crying cuz there wasnt much else we could do. i cracked jokes im sure. then we all went to laurens. will met me there and he had been by my house too. i love that kid. he did everything he could to make me feel better. i talked to amanda and kassandra on the phone and i remember amanda just crying. im not too good with the whole family thing. will came to visit me a lot for that next couple days. i wasnt in school and i didnt have much else to do. monday was the wake. me and i think, jess drove over. i didnt even go with my fam in the limo. i stayed outside the whole time. except for when the youth group came to say the rosary and i was forced to go inside. i walked home with the girls and a bunch of us ate food in my room, esp. michele, and watched growing up gotti. jess and erica slept over. next morning was the funeral. i remember will standing there telling stories and jokes that he knew would make me laugh. after they make all the people leave before the church, they made me just sit there. i dont think i ever went up to kneel or anything. i didnt wanna be near my dad or anyone from my fam cuz i didnt know what was gunna happen. i served the mass at the church and when i went to go say peace to my dad, that was the first time i ever saw him cry. i thought the only things my dad could do were be happy or quiet, or yell until my mom told me that he has feelings too at my neices wake. i remember seeing all my friends who came to be there for me. i almost started crying when i saw my dad crying. but i didnt. i felt the need to be strong and hold it all back. and i remember leilas mom breaking down and begging me not to be so strong. i couldnt help it. i didnt cry much when people were around. i didnt cry much at all. friday, the day before she died, i remember almost breaking down in tears to amy in the middle of shakespeare while trying to tell her that my mom was terminally ill. then i think it was the next period, i was in physics, my dad dismissed me and i remember just looking at kassi and andreia and saying "my mum." and i didnt know what had happened. i was dismissed so i could go get the priest at the church to give my mother last rites. i laughed and smiled and picked flowers with will at the cemetery. and i was loud and obnoxious at the reception after. i feel like i neglected my mother. the only time i ever cried with her since i was younger was after i came home from the DR and she explained everything to me and she asked me to forgive her for leaving me cuz she didnt know when it would be. and she told me how much she loved me and how me and my dad coming into her life saved her. and how proud of me she was.
my dad bought two cameras on my moms birthday. he knew it would be her last. we took a lot of pictures. and he took one of me and her. "his two girls" . thats what he said when he took it. and i lost that camera because i just had to bring it with me to the DR and i left it on the plane. lauren told me not to even try to get it back cuz they probly threw it out. i dont think ill ever be able to forgive myself for that. i was never able to tell my mom. and i still havent told my dad. i cant even forgive myself after saying it in confession.
i found a note that my mom wrote to me a long time ago. i cry when i read it.
im araid that im gunna forget her. it'll be one year on sunday. one year that i was able to get through. but another year that i grow away from her. erica helped me a lot tonight by telling me to look at all the little things i can look at that will remind me of her. i started looking around the room, and just looking at our green counter makes me think of her. thats her favorite color and she really liked that counter. and the tiles. and the tile that her boss brought her from bermuda thats leaning against the wall. her foxwoods snowglobe on the window sill above the sink. her candles that my nephew bought her one christmas. one of the many certificates i made her for "best mother" on mothers day. pictures, obv. and even looking at the bare walls where her stenciled flowers were before my dad had the kitched painted over. her spot at the table. the little folding table she bought my dad so he could eat dinner in the living room that is now filled with all my stuff and is next to the computer. i could probably go on. but i needed to get this out. and i dont know why.
this helped me a lot. i was feeling really down on myself cuz i feel like i neglected her. typing all of it out really helped. if you read all that, thank you, i guess. my mother didnt do anything spectacular with her life. but she was my mother. i miss everything about her. i miss her yelling at me. i miss her telling me to fuck off or something with fuck in it and me laughing at her cuz im immature like that. i miss her always swearing. but i dont miss seeing her in pain all the time. and i mean all the time. for years, there wasnt one day where my mom wasnt in pain. except for maybe when we were on our cruise in february 2004. the doctors gave her steroids so she would have energy and stuff. and she ate soo much which was awesome. she was always at the buffet.
i love my mother. always have. always will. she lives in my heart now. thanks for reading this. like i said, it helped me to get all this out.