The Battle of the Five Armies: or, Wrong Universe, Dude!
I have not been able to find any sporking of the third "Hobbit" film, so here is my effort. As you'll know from my earlier review, I love Fili and Kili, so this movie made me sad. The book does, also, but in a good way. The movie was a mixed bag, IMHO. Comments are welcome! Here goes-
The Battle of the Five Armies
(or, Wrong UNIVERSE, dude!)
As told by Fili, Kili (in part from the Halls of Mandos in Valinor), Biblo, and sundry other characters.
When we left our heroes, they had sorely provoked a huge dragon.
Smaug: I am sorely provoked. But forget those miserable dwarves and their rabbit-creature. I can take care of them later. I burn to have revenge on Laketown!
Bilbo: I’m horribly afraid Laketown will burn, as well.
(Smaug flies to Laketown and much hot action ensues. Bard the bowman ends up standing with his son atop a tower. He uses the boy’s shoulder to steady the black arrow as he aims.)
Bain: Dad? There’s something I don’t understand. Isn’t this a scene from another legend?
Bard: Quiet, son. Don’t be scared. Look at me.
Bain: But, I mean, isn’t there some story about another dad
shooting an apple off his son’s head?
Bard: Quiet now, son. I’m concentrating. Always remember
things could be worse.
Bain: Um - okay. How, though? This tower is on fire and
there’s an enormous dragon flying toward us.
Bard: I could be shooting that dragon off your head. Look at
me, now, son. Stand very still.
Thrush: Is this where I give you the message about the gap in
the dragon’s armor?
Bard: No.
Smaug: Hah! You pathetic humans! I will tear that child’s
head right off!
Bard and Bain, in chorus: You wish!
(Smaug rears up and exposes the gap in his armor. Bard shoots, and Smaug crashes onto the town.)
(The refugees from Laketown get their boats ashore, and
Bard takes charge of relief efforts. In the meantime, word gets out
that the dragon is dead.)
Bard: The dragon is dead. We can go back to Dale and rebuild it,
with help from those dwarves. We helped them before.
Turnabout is fair play.
Bilbo: That’s good common sense. But I’m afraid I can’t say common sense is the dwarves’
strong suit.
Fili, Kili, and Balin: Hey! We have common sense!
Bilbo: Very likely. But I wasn’t talking about you.
I was talking about Thorin.
Thorin: Pretty Arkenstone! We wants it, precious!
Thranduil: Pretty pearls and emeralds! We wants them!
Alfrid: Pretty gold coins! We wants them!
Bard and older Laketown woman: Who are you?
(Alfrid shrugs and steals someone’s sandwich.)
(Fili and Dori get in a boat to go back to the mountain now that the dragon is dead. Kili gives his runestone to Tauriel to keep her safe.)
Fili: Little bro? You know that sense of foreboding I had earlier? It’s just gotten stronger.
Audience: Ours, too.
(Meantime, in a mountain not far away, a king is making
bad decisions.)
Thorin: I must have the arkenstone. My evil relatives have stolen it from me! Bilbo, I trust you. If you spot anyone with it, tell me at once. That person will suffer, I promise you.
Bilbo: (Does his best to look serious and trustworthy. When Thorin goes, he pulls the arkenstone out of his jacket and looks at it.)
Bilbo: What am I going to do with this thing? Somehow I don’t think it’s a good idea to let Thorin have it. The mere idea of it seems to be sending him round the bend.
Smaug: (from the bottom of the lake) Mwuhahaha! They all have dragon sickness! And they had the nerve to think they could defeat me! Watch what happens now.
Bilbo: Um, Thorin? There are some people who want to talk to you.
Bard: I killed the dragon, and we have lost our homes. I think you should give us a share of your treasure.
Thorin: Why? It was never yours. And besides, you’ve got that elf with you. I’m not giving him anything.
Bard: We helped you, and now you should help us. Turn about is fair play.
Thorin: What? What are you talking about? All Thranduil helped me to was a prison cell and a lot of cold water.
Thranduil: I would be happy to help you to more of the same, stubborn dwarf.
Thorin: Leave, or I’ll have Kili shoot you.
Kili: Um - Uncle? I don’t really want to shoot my girlfriend’s boss.
Thorin: All right. I’ll do it myself.
Gandalf: Um - Thorin?
Bilbo: Gandalf! You’re back! Maybe Thorin will listen to you.
Thorin: Not if you’re with that elf. Now will you all leave? I want to brood about the arkenstone and send secret messages to my cousin Dain.
Bilbo: This is hopeless. Thorin will never see reason, but maybe if I give the surrounding armies the arkenstone, he’ll be willing to pay them to get it back. Also, I’ll be rid of it, so he won’t kill me for keeping it from him.
(Bilbo climbs down handy rope and gives arkenstone to the
surrounding armies. Thranduil, Bard, and Gandalf are
all impressed. Thorin is not.)
Thorin: Thief! Baggins! I hates you forever! Now I am going to kill you for keeping the arkenstone from me.
Bilbo: Eep! I didn’t mean to, I promise. You must remember, when you sent me down that tunnel, I didn’t even know what the arkenstone was. Anyway, I’ve got my own toxic magical jewelry.
Gandalf: Thorin, stop being so stubborn and listen to me.
Thorin: I can’t. Stubborn is my middle name.
Gandalf: These armies that are surrounding you aren’t the only ones that want your treasure. Remember Azog the defiler?
Thorin: Certainly I do. My cousin Dain killed him in the battle where I, also a youth, earned my nickname.
Fili and Kili: Uncle. That was in the book. This is a movie.
Gandalf: Exactly. He’s headed this way, and he’s got some nasty surprises planned.
Thorin: Good. So do I. You think you have us surrounded, but here comes my aforementioned cousin Dain riding his war piggy with several thousand hardened warriors behind him.
Bilbo: War piggy? This I have to see. (looks) Actually - it’s kind of cute.
Legolas and Tauriel: Let us travel to the witch realm of Angmar to discover what Azog and Bolg are up to. Yes, we know. It’s 800 miles round trip, and we aren’t going to discover anything that Thranduil and the others won’t find out all too soon. But - pretty scenery! Running elves! Scary orcs and wargs and bats and-
(Meanwhile, near a mountain about 400 miles away)
Gandalf, Bard and Thranduil:: Immense, stone-devouring worms! Are we on Arrakis?
Fili and Kili I don’t think so.
Bilbo: I think that’s a different universe.
(In the meantime, Azog appears with a bat’leth attached to his
arm in place of his missing hand.)
Worf: (from a galaxy far, far away) Who is that creature, and why is he wielding a bat’leth? He has not earned the right to use a Klingon blade!
Fili, Kili, and Bilbo, in chorus: I don’t think he cares.
Worf: That creature has no honor!
Fili, Kili, and Bilbo: As we said, he doesn’t care.
Worf: (Growls)
Bilbo (innocently) Are you a skin changer? Do you know Beorn?
I wonder where Beorn is, by the way. Has anyone
seen him?
(Much mayhem ensues. It goes on for a long time. Parts are rather
sad. For example:)
Dain: Alas! My war piggy is dead!
Thranduil: Alas! My war elk is dead!
Thorin, Fili, Kili, and Dwalin: Alas! Our war mountain goats are
dead!
Thorin: Alas! My nephews are dead.
Fili and Kili (from the halls of Mandos in Valinor):
Seriously? What happened? We were supposed to die defending you with shield and body, not in these random battles.
Thorin: (entering the halls) I know, sister-sons. But, as has been said, that was in the book. This is a movie.
Fili: Little bro, you shouldn’t have given your runestone to that elf.
Kili: Yes, I should. She survived.
Fili: Fair enough. But I think her heart is broken.
Thranduil: That proves her love was true. Legolas, my heart has been broken since the orcs kidnapped your mother and tortured her in their dungeons-
Legolas: Um-Dad? What are you talking about? That happened to Elrond’s wife. I’m not Arwen, even if I am surpassingly beautiful.
Thranduil: True. You’re not Elladan or Elrohir, either. I beg your pardon. When you live for thousands of years, sometimes you lose track of events.
(Beorn finally arrives, the eagles come, and the battle is won.)
Legolas: Dad, I’m depressed. Tauriel doesn’t love me. I want to travel.
Thranduil: Good idea. Head north. You might meet an interesting person in Elrond’s house. He is called Strider.
Worf: (from a galaxy far, far away) I was not aware these people had the capacity for time travel.
Legolas: Strider? You mean that little boy? The one they call Estel? He’s a nice kid, but why would I want to meet him? He’s ten years old! Have you lost track of events again, Dad?
Thranduil: Certainly not. Keep an eye on that boy. He may be important someday.
Legolas: Oh, all right, Dad. Whatever you say. Can someone tell me what’s going to happen to Tauriel? I’m worried about her. I think she needs to travel even more than I do.
Thranduil: She’s not travelling with you, so forget about it.
(People begin rebuilding, and Bilbo and Gandalf head back to the
Shire.)
Gandalf: Now, about that ring-
Bilbo: What ring? Oh, that little trinket I picked up in the Misty Mountains? I lost it in the battle.
Fili: Dude! Why are you lying to Gandalf? You didn’t do that in the book.
Kili: It’s like you told me, bro. That was the book. This is a movie.
Thorin: (Sighs) Alas, yes.
Fin. Really.
A few actual review-type comments: I pretty much loved the first
half of the movie, which stayed close to the book. The fight with the
dragon was terrific, and I liked Kili and Dwalin calling Thorin out
on his pig-headed behavior. But the second half was sometimes
tiresome to me, and often frustrating. I don’t know why we
couldn’t’ have seem more of Beorn. That scene with Legolas and the
bat was just plain silly. Those bats are perhaps twice the size of
actual flying foxes. The maximum weight of a Flying fox is
no more than four or five pounds. How is a creature weighing
ten pounds (4 kilos) at most, supposed to fly all that distance
carrying a full-grown elf? And Bilbo’s lying to Gandalf was
the crown jewel of silliness. It is more character assassination,
such as there was far too much of in LOTR, the movies.
The whole point of this book is that Bilbo is NOT corrupted.
After his first tall tale to the dwarves, he doesn’t lie. He has the
ring for 60 years and, at the end of that time, it is just starting to
get to him. He’s a hero! But NOT an action hero!
The Battle of the Five Armies
(or, Wrong UNIVERSE, dude!)
As told by Fili, Kili (in part from the Halls of Mandos in Valinor), Biblo, and sundry other characters.
When we left our heroes, they had sorely provoked a huge dragon.
Smaug: I am sorely provoked. But forget those miserable dwarves and their rabbit-creature. I can take care of them later. I burn to have revenge on Laketown!
Bilbo: I’m horribly afraid Laketown will burn, as well.
(Smaug flies to Laketown and much hot action ensues. Bard the bowman ends up standing with his son atop a tower. He uses the boy’s shoulder to steady the black arrow as he aims.)
Bain: Dad? There’s something I don’t understand. Isn’t this a scene from another legend?
Bard: Quiet, son. Don’t be scared. Look at me.
Bain: But, I mean, isn’t there some story about another dad
shooting an apple off his son’s head?
Bard: Quiet now, son. I’m concentrating. Always remember
things could be worse.
Bain: Um - okay. How, though? This tower is on fire and
there’s an enormous dragon flying toward us.
Bard: I could be shooting that dragon off your head. Look at
me, now, son. Stand very still.
Thrush: Is this where I give you the message about the gap in
the dragon’s armor?
Bard: No.
Smaug: Hah! You pathetic humans! I will tear that child’s
head right off!
Bard and Bain, in chorus: You wish!
(Smaug rears up and exposes the gap in his armor. Bard shoots, and Smaug crashes onto the town.)
(The refugees from Laketown get their boats ashore, and
Bard takes charge of relief efforts. In the meantime, word gets out
that the dragon is dead.)
Bard: The dragon is dead. We can go back to Dale and rebuild it,
with help from those dwarves. We helped them before.
Turnabout is fair play.
Bilbo: That’s good common sense. But I’m afraid I can’t say common sense is the dwarves’
strong suit.
Fili, Kili, and Balin: Hey! We have common sense!
Bilbo: Very likely. But I wasn’t talking about you.
I was talking about Thorin.
Thorin: Pretty Arkenstone! We wants it, precious!
Thranduil: Pretty pearls and emeralds! We wants them!
Alfrid: Pretty gold coins! We wants them!
Bard and older Laketown woman: Who are you?
(Alfrid shrugs and steals someone’s sandwich.)
(Fili and Dori get in a boat to go back to the mountain now that the dragon is dead. Kili gives his runestone to Tauriel to keep her safe.)
Fili: Little bro? You know that sense of foreboding I had earlier? It’s just gotten stronger.
Audience: Ours, too.
(Meantime, in a mountain not far away, a king is making
bad decisions.)
Thorin: I must have the arkenstone. My evil relatives have stolen it from me! Bilbo, I trust you. If you spot anyone with it, tell me at once. That person will suffer, I promise you.
Bilbo: (Does his best to look serious and trustworthy. When Thorin goes, he pulls the arkenstone out of his jacket and looks at it.)
Bilbo: What am I going to do with this thing? Somehow I don’t think it’s a good idea to let Thorin have it. The mere idea of it seems to be sending him round the bend.
Smaug: (from the bottom of the lake) Mwuhahaha! They all have dragon sickness! And they had the nerve to think they could defeat me! Watch what happens now.
Bilbo: Um, Thorin? There are some people who want to talk to you.
Bard: I killed the dragon, and we have lost our homes. I think you should give us a share of your treasure.
Thorin: Why? It was never yours. And besides, you’ve got that elf with you. I’m not giving him anything.
Bard: We helped you, and now you should help us. Turn about is fair play.
Thorin: What? What are you talking about? All Thranduil helped me to was a prison cell and a lot of cold water.
Thranduil: I would be happy to help you to more of the same, stubborn dwarf.
Thorin: Leave, or I’ll have Kili shoot you.
Kili: Um - Uncle? I don’t really want to shoot my girlfriend’s boss.
Thorin: All right. I’ll do it myself.
Gandalf: Um - Thorin?
Bilbo: Gandalf! You’re back! Maybe Thorin will listen to you.
Thorin: Not if you’re with that elf. Now will you all leave? I want to brood about the arkenstone and send secret messages to my cousin Dain.
Bilbo: This is hopeless. Thorin will never see reason, but maybe if I give the surrounding armies the arkenstone, he’ll be willing to pay them to get it back. Also, I’ll be rid of it, so he won’t kill me for keeping it from him.
(Bilbo climbs down handy rope and gives arkenstone to the
surrounding armies. Thranduil, Bard, and Gandalf are
all impressed. Thorin is not.)
Thorin: Thief! Baggins! I hates you forever! Now I am going to kill you for keeping the arkenstone from me.
Bilbo: Eep! I didn’t mean to, I promise. You must remember, when you sent me down that tunnel, I didn’t even know what the arkenstone was. Anyway, I’ve got my own toxic magical jewelry.
Gandalf: Thorin, stop being so stubborn and listen to me.
Thorin: I can’t. Stubborn is my middle name.
Gandalf: These armies that are surrounding you aren’t the only ones that want your treasure. Remember Azog the defiler?
Thorin: Certainly I do. My cousin Dain killed him in the battle where I, also a youth, earned my nickname.
Fili and Kili: Uncle. That was in the book. This is a movie.
Gandalf: Exactly. He’s headed this way, and he’s got some nasty surprises planned.
Thorin: Good. So do I. You think you have us surrounded, but here comes my aforementioned cousin Dain riding his war piggy with several thousand hardened warriors behind him.
Bilbo: War piggy? This I have to see. (looks) Actually - it’s kind of cute.
Legolas and Tauriel: Let us travel to the witch realm of Angmar to discover what Azog and Bolg are up to. Yes, we know. It’s 800 miles round trip, and we aren’t going to discover anything that Thranduil and the others won’t find out all too soon. But - pretty scenery! Running elves! Scary orcs and wargs and bats and-
(Meanwhile, near a mountain about 400 miles away)
Gandalf, Bard and Thranduil:: Immense, stone-devouring worms! Are we on Arrakis?
Fili and Kili I don’t think so.
Bilbo: I think that’s a different universe.
(In the meantime, Azog appears with a bat’leth attached to his
arm in place of his missing hand.)
Worf: (from a galaxy far, far away) Who is that creature, and why is he wielding a bat’leth? He has not earned the right to use a Klingon blade!
Fili, Kili, and Bilbo, in chorus: I don’t think he cares.
Worf: That creature has no honor!
Fili, Kili, and Bilbo: As we said, he doesn’t care.
Worf: (Growls)
Bilbo (innocently) Are you a skin changer? Do you know Beorn?
I wonder where Beorn is, by the way. Has anyone
seen him?
(Much mayhem ensues. It goes on for a long time. Parts are rather
sad. For example:)
Dain: Alas! My war piggy is dead!
Thranduil: Alas! My war elk is dead!
Thorin, Fili, Kili, and Dwalin: Alas! Our war mountain goats are
dead!
Thorin: Alas! My nephews are dead.
Fili and Kili (from the halls of Mandos in Valinor):
Seriously? What happened? We were supposed to die defending you with shield and body, not in these random battles.
Thorin: (entering the halls) I know, sister-sons. But, as has been said, that was in the book. This is a movie.
Fili: Little bro, you shouldn’t have given your runestone to that elf.
Kili: Yes, I should. She survived.
Fili: Fair enough. But I think her heart is broken.
Thranduil: That proves her love was true. Legolas, my heart has been broken since the orcs kidnapped your mother and tortured her in their dungeons-
Legolas: Um-Dad? What are you talking about? That happened to Elrond’s wife. I’m not Arwen, even if I am surpassingly beautiful.
Thranduil: True. You’re not Elladan or Elrohir, either. I beg your pardon. When you live for thousands of years, sometimes you lose track of events.
(Beorn finally arrives, the eagles come, and the battle is won.)
Legolas: Dad, I’m depressed. Tauriel doesn’t love me. I want to travel.
Thranduil: Good idea. Head north. You might meet an interesting person in Elrond’s house. He is called Strider.
Worf: (from a galaxy far, far away) I was not aware these people had the capacity for time travel.
Legolas: Strider? You mean that little boy? The one they call Estel? He’s a nice kid, but why would I want to meet him? He’s ten years old! Have you lost track of events again, Dad?
Thranduil: Certainly not. Keep an eye on that boy. He may be important someday.
Legolas: Oh, all right, Dad. Whatever you say. Can someone tell me what’s going to happen to Tauriel? I’m worried about her. I think she needs to travel even more than I do.
Thranduil: She’s not travelling with you, so forget about it.
(People begin rebuilding, and Bilbo and Gandalf head back to the
Shire.)
Gandalf: Now, about that ring-
Bilbo: What ring? Oh, that little trinket I picked up in the Misty Mountains? I lost it in the battle.
Fili: Dude! Why are you lying to Gandalf? You didn’t do that in the book.
Kili: It’s like you told me, bro. That was the book. This is a movie.
Thorin: (Sighs) Alas, yes.
Fin. Really.
A few actual review-type comments: I pretty much loved the first
half of the movie, which stayed close to the book. The fight with the
dragon was terrific, and I liked Kili and Dwalin calling Thorin out
on his pig-headed behavior. But the second half was sometimes
tiresome to me, and often frustrating. I don’t know why we
couldn’t’ have seem more of Beorn. That scene with Legolas and the
bat was just plain silly. Those bats are perhaps twice the size of
actual flying foxes. The maximum weight of a Flying fox is
no more than four or five pounds. How is a creature weighing
ten pounds (4 kilos) at most, supposed to fly all that distance
carrying a full-grown elf? And Bilbo’s lying to Gandalf was
the crown jewel of silliness. It is more character assassination,
such as there was far too much of in LOTR, the movies.
The whole point of this book is that Bilbo is NOT corrupted.
After his first tall tale to the dwarves, he doesn’t lie. He has the
ring for 60 years and, at the end of that time, it is just starting to
get to him. He’s a hero! But NOT an action hero!