God is still good.
so im updating a lot lately but today is very important.
im realizing that my family is quite dysfunctional. i always knew that it was far from perfect, but i didnt see that it could be this bad. and while im not starving in africa while my parents die of AIDS its still not as comfortable as id like it to be.
today michael threatened once again to kill himself. its like, once everything in life is good, something has to go wrong. things cant just stay alright. i mean for the past 5 years its been matt in and out of jail, in and out of correctional places, in and out of school. and so life was always rocky, you never knew when he would blow up and leave. and it was hardly the way i wanted to live. so finally we send him to a christian based place and he starts a relationship with God and his life is radically changed for the better. and its so comforting to know that your brother doesnt want to do drugs and keep messing up. its so reassuring that you will find him in heaven now. and so when everything starts to look good here comes michael with his suicidal thoughts and threats. and just the thought of losing him tears me up inside. i cant bear the thought.
i guess ill just tell you what happened today. we went out on the boat and were having a good time. But the gas starts to get low so we decide to turn off the engine, swim for a while, and then pack up and go inside. so while we are swimming, michael gets a bottle of water and is basically wasting it by spitting it out of his mouth into the lake. and i tell him to stop wasting water... drink the good water and then you can play with the bottle or whatever. so he does, and he tosses the empty bottle at me... so i start to fill it up and just mess around with it... and so he comes (he has no life jacket and i do) and starts to hold himself up by me.. but it ends up pushing me down (every action force has an equal but opposite reaction force... newtons 3rd law... haha) and so i ask him to stop but he wont. so i get the bottle and squirt the water into his face. and he retaliates and splashes me which totally ruins me not wanting to get my hair wet, but really its not that big of a deal. but my mom sees, and she tells michael how unacceptable that was and he just blows up. he goes on talking about how she always takes MY side and how he hates it and how he doesnt want to live with us and hes just going to kill himself. and then my mom did something really stupid. she laughs. but i dont think she was laughing about WHAT he said, but was laughing at HOW he said it. so then he goes off about how she doesnt love him and wouldnt care if he killed himself bc she just laughs at the thought or something like that... and i cant take it bc of what happened last saturday and just thinking about not having a little brother. so in between tears i just tell him to get in the boat (by now my parents are threatening to call the cops if he doesnt). so eventually he does and we ride back in silence.
but its really hard for me bc i know that im partly the reason he is feeling like this. i mean, hes right, my mom really does always take my side, but really, its because im right. and like, its hard to do the right thing and have your brother hate you for it. because if i do the wrong thing he will see that im not perfect (which i know i am not) but then i will be sinning, or just disobeying which in turn is sin. so i have no idea how to fix this, how i can show him how imperfect i am and still do what is right. its like im caught in the middle and cant get out of the trap because both ways may lead to some regret.
so right now i just have to put all my trust in God. i know that He has a plan that is without error and even when things arent always looking good i can still know that He is watching over me and that His plan is BIGGER than all this. and that He can see the bigger picture and that im blinded from that.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
This verse has helped me out so much. It reminds me that i can look to God whenever im in trouble, and that when im facing something big, that i cant really control, God can control it. And nothing will happen to me that God doesnt know about or let happen to me. And all these trials are tests. And that once im finished with them, then i can be complete.
im realizing that my family is quite dysfunctional. i always knew that it was far from perfect, but i didnt see that it could be this bad. and while im not starving in africa while my parents die of AIDS its still not as comfortable as id like it to be.
today michael threatened once again to kill himself. its like, once everything in life is good, something has to go wrong. things cant just stay alright. i mean for the past 5 years its been matt in and out of jail, in and out of correctional places, in and out of school. and so life was always rocky, you never knew when he would blow up and leave. and it was hardly the way i wanted to live. so finally we send him to a christian based place and he starts a relationship with God and his life is radically changed for the better. and its so comforting to know that your brother doesnt want to do drugs and keep messing up. its so reassuring that you will find him in heaven now. and so when everything starts to look good here comes michael with his suicidal thoughts and threats. and just the thought of losing him tears me up inside. i cant bear the thought.
i guess ill just tell you what happened today. we went out on the boat and were having a good time. But the gas starts to get low so we decide to turn off the engine, swim for a while, and then pack up and go inside. so while we are swimming, michael gets a bottle of water and is basically wasting it by spitting it out of his mouth into the lake. and i tell him to stop wasting water... drink the good water and then you can play with the bottle or whatever. so he does, and he tosses the empty bottle at me... so i start to fill it up and just mess around with it... and so he comes (he has no life jacket and i do) and starts to hold himself up by me.. but it ends up pushing me down (every action force has an equal but opposite reaction force... newtons 3rd law... haha) and so i ask him to stop but he wont. so i get the bottle and squirt the water into his face. and he retaliates and splashes me which totally ruins me not wanting to get my hair wet, but really its not that big of a deal. but my mom sees, and she tells michael how unacceptable that was and he just blows up. he goes on talking about how she always takes MY side and how he hates it and how he doesnt want to live with us and hes just going to kill himself. and then my mom did something really stupid. she laughs. but i dont think she was laughing about WHAT he said, but was laughing at HOW he said it. so then he goes off about how she doesnt love him and wouldnt care if he killed himself bc she just laughs at the thought or something like that... and i cant take it bc of what happened last saturday and just thinking about not having a little brother. so in between tears i just tell him to get in the boat (by now my parents are threatening to call the cops if he doesnt). so eventually he does and we ride back in silence.
but its really hard for me bc i know that im partly the reason he is feeling like this. i mean, hes right, my mom really does always take my side, but really, its because im right. and like, its hard to do the right thing and have your brother hate you for it. because if i do the wrong thing he will see that im not perfect (which i know i am not) but then i will be sinning, or just disobeying which in turn is sin. so i have no idea how to fix this, how i can show him how imperfect i am and still do what is right. its like im caught in the middle and cant get out of the trap because both ways may lead to some regret.
so right now i just have to put all my trust in God. i know that He has a plan that is without error and even when things arent always looking good i can still know that He is watching over me and that His plan is BIGGER than all this. and that He can see the bigger picture and that im blinded from that.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
This verse has helped me out so much. It reminds me that i can look to God whenever im in trouble, and that when im facing something big, that i cant really control, God can control it. And nothing will happen to me that God doesnt know about or let happen to me. And all these trials are tests. And that once im finished with them, then i can be complete.