(no subject)
Gah. My stepmom wrote me all worked up because I haven't been in touch much lately. I don't have enough time to fill them in... I have nothing good to tell them. :-( I am going to see dad saturday. That will be nice, I think. I just feel like I don't want to talk about it and I am too full of stuff to say and think to be able to put it into censored parent talk right now. I have a hard enough time spending time with and for me right now, that calling the parentals is suddenly such more of an enormous chore. I just feel like absolute crap. I just want to live in a small black hole for many, many weeks. I just want KK to want me like I want her. I miss it so much. I hate crying myself to sleep. I hate this limbo I am stuck in, unable to move up or down, forward or back. I am suspended here, waiting for absolute destruction or possible savior. I am trying to prepare myself to get through horrible destruction, but the seed of hope sits firmly within me that things really might be ok. Am I just a naive idiot? Should I already be able to tell it's clearly ended? Am I stupid for beleiving I still have a chance? I want to have a chance. I would give anything for it. I feel like such an empty shell- capable of happiness on my own, with my own individual existence and purpose, but now that I have felt what it's like to be full and complete, this void is almost unbearable.
My distraction has failed me as well. Right now I feel like I might not ever be able to find what I had again in anyone. I have trouble believing that I will reach those heights with anyone else ever again, and I am not ready to let them go yet. I feel pushed around and perhaps a little spat on by fate. i feel confused and stagnated and terrified and struck down, and overwhelmed and run down, and broken. That has been my word and feeling lately- just broken. If you picked me up shook me I feel like I would sound full of broken glass.
I feel defeated and vanquished by my own hunt, and I am so saddened by that. After last night, I have even less faith that I will ever find the kind of person I am looking for. I found, I had, and now I get to remember, and that has to be good enough. I have a job, clothes, a car and a bed, I try to keep food in my belly, and I find my salvation in henry, but I still feel ... miserable. Just depressed. Just lost, incomplete. I am just repeating myself; who cares anyway.
I don't want to have to talk to my parents. There isn't much I want to do lately that is an option. I wish I could cave up in a small room for the rest of the summer. I think it would hurt less. Lot's less. I just need more time to digest and think, and eventually, the verdict will come in, and I can finally heal, let go or be kept, just one or the other and finally move forward in my life my own way, not waiting on her every movement and thought, praying it might indicate the love I crave to receive and fear I will never again experience.
Last night I straight out told her what I think about all this, and what i think it really boils down to. She couldn't argue either. All she could say was, "I don't have the words... I .. I will think about that." But there is no use focussing on that aspect- it's much too much of a painful one. God this last half hour is crawling, inching by torturously slow. I want it to be friday already!
I am worried about rachal and I feel like crap and I feel like no one cares, and I know they do, but sometimes the person you want to care, you need to care, it just not available for you.
Work is dragging... I want to withdraw from it all, lose myself in some books or something engulfing and entrancing. I am tired of this routine, it is a sad and lonely one.
I watched her sleep this morning. Her lips were gently puckered open and I remembered so many sweet mornings waking next to her and sliding closer to her, listening to her content little sighs. How could I ever be ready to let her go?
My distraction has failed me as well. Right now I feel like I might not ever be able to find what I had again in anyone. I have trouble believing that I will reach those heights with anyone else ever again, and I am not ready to let them go yet. I feel pushed around and perhaps a little spat on by fate. i feel confused and stagnated and terrified and struck down, and overwhelmed and run down, and broken. That has been my word and feeling lately- just broken. If you picked me up shook me I feel like I would sound full of broken glass.
I feel defeated and vanquished by my own hunt, and I am so saddened by that. After last night, I have even less faith that I will ever find the kind of person I am looking for. I found, I had, and now I get to remember, and that has to be good enough. I have a job, clothes, a car and a bed, I try to keep food in my belly, and I find my salvation in henry, but I still feel ... miserable. Just depressed. Just lost, incomplete. I am just repeating myself; who cares anyway.
I don't want to have to talk to my parents. There isn't much I want to do lately that is an option. I wish I could cave up in a small room for the rest of the summer. I think it would hurt less. Lot's less. I just need more time to digest and think, and eventually, the verdict will come in, and I can finally heal, let go or be kept, just one or the other and finally move forward in my life my own way, not waiting on her every movement and thought, praying it might indicate the love I crave to receive and fear I will never again experience.
Last night I straight out told her what I think about all this, and what i think it really boils down to. She couldn't argue either. All she could say was, "I don't have the words... I .. I will think about that." But there is no use focussing on that aspect- it's much too much of a painful one. God this last half hour is crawling, inching by torturously slow. I want it to be friday already!
I am worried about rachal and I feel like crap and I feel like no one cares, and I know they do, but sometimes the person you want to care, you need to care, it just not available for you.
Work is dragging... I want to withdraw from it all, lose myself in some books or something engulfing and entrancing. I am tired of this routine, it is a sad and lonely one.
I watched her sleep this morning. Her lips were gently puckered open and I remembered so many sweet mornings waking next to her and sliding closer to her, listening to her content little sighs. How could I ever be ready to let her go?