(no subject)
It's so weird being home. I had a wonderful time last night, going to Rocky, and seeing everyone again, but today has just been blah at best. I don't know how to describe how I feel being back here right now. I sit looking at the door to the room I lived in with my best friend for three years, and it hurts to know I can't just walk in because I live there, because someone else lives there now. I walk the halls and see the people and it makes me smile, but it all still feels wrong too. I don't know how to describe it. I still have close friends here, people that I can't call anything but family, but the people that I loved, the things I associate with Beloit, with BSFFA that were just part of life and I was never without, are gone. Rookie, Caitlin, Jinx, Dan, Ben, Ted, Paul, Rehab, Gelf, Becca, Victoria, Zim, Andy, Indy, and so many others, left a few at a time, and every time it was weird, but this place was still home because I always had Nick and Claudia and Carly...but now...everyone's gone. The things that always were for me here, no longer are, and it's just hard to wrap my head around. The traditions that I came into are mostly gone, new ones have sprung up, but so many of the things that I look back on and smile are nowhere to be found, and the things that can be are not things I can enjoy just by randomly visiting on weekends. The true joy of living in tower was the random late night hanging out in lounge, and the weekly showings of tv shows and weekly games that happened mostly during the week. I was so sure that coming back would bring me joy and give me some contentment to get me through the droll that is my daily life at home, but I realize that the joy I love, and that I miss so much is gone and there's no way to get it back by visiting. I have to find that joy somewhere else now.
To that end I think I've decided to try and move to Madison, perhaps next fall. I've gotten an email or two from businesses in Madison that have found me through Beloit, also I've got the option of transferring to the Madison Woodman's. It would mean probably living with old friends and getting to seem them, and those who have not yet died, more often. For now, however, I am going to try and make the most of what remains of my short weekend in Beloit.
To that end I think I've decided to try and move to Madison, perhaps next fall. I've gotten an email or two from businesses in Madison that have found me through Beloit, also I've got the option of transferring to the Madison Woodman's. It would mean probably living with old friends and getting to seem them, and those who have not yet died, more often. For now, however, I am going to try and make the most of what remains of my short weekend in Beloit.