Some excepts from a private entry
I want life to make more sense, I want it to be less complicated and less full of drama. but I guess that's the thing that no one is ever willing to tell the angsty teenager. Life is always complicated and full of drama. Life never changes, you just learn to deal with it better. hell if you told that to a high schooler, they'd never grow out of the angst. The lies we must tell.
I miss everyone so much. even the other people. laudani, eric, brendan, emilee, jesse (previously mentioned: Amanda, Shantelle, and Thode) even though I've seen them. well not emilee but hell I've seen the first three in the last few days. I miss the way we all used to be. I miss the fun, the laughs, the insanity that we had. in the last 24 hours I've remembered and forgotten again so many things about those days, but every time I remembered something new I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't say which 4 years was better, college or high school. they were both so amazing yet both so different I could never really compare them other than to say that while yes there are things that some days I wish I could go back and change, sometimes I really wish I could change, I wouldn't give up those times for anything. Those memories mean more to me than even Carly. Not because she means less, but because they represent so much of who I am, because no matter how much some of it sucked there was so much joy there too. is it wrong that I'm not even 22 yet and I'm already nostalgic? it feels kinda pathetic. I already want to go to a reunion and see everyone again, shoot the breeze, reminisce, have that cheesy sentimental song playing in the background as the clip show of those lost years plays in my head. I already feel so old I can't fathom another 20 years of memory and thinking back on now, and all the times past, let alone the 60 or 70 that I'll probably live. Time is rushing by so fast. I can still remember elementary school, assemblies, choir concerts, class, those fun recreational days we used to have where we'd sign up for like 3 or 4 things. i just found one of the cards for one of those, I think I threw it out though. I still remember the joy I felt at the end of a school year when I knew I was leaving for disneyworld the next day. so much joy. I don't really have any of the fun stories to tell that most people do. those ones that start with "so this one time..." and end with everyone laughing their asses off at something stupid you or an old friend did or something like that. i don't have those. and while I really wish I did, what I do have is hundreds of stories of joy and happiness that while I don't think anyone will ever want to hear them will always mean so much to me. whats weird is that the older memories are clearer than the newer ones. I could talk for hours about billy, matt, eric, brendan, amanda, shantelle, everyone from middle school and high school, but I can't really remember college. I know it was fun. but I don't feel like there's as many memories there as there are from high school. maybe they are. the more I think the more I can come up with, maybe my mind is just flooded with nostalgia for older days so its harder to come up with more recent things right now. that's somethinh I hope gets invented someday. something that allows you to share memories and relive them for yourself. yea it could be abused but I don't care about that right now. I'm just imagining how wonderful it would be to be able to go back and relive it all in you mind like a dream. it would be amazing.
I miss everyone so much. even the other people. laudani, eric, brendan, emilee, jesse (previously mentioned: Amanda, Shantelle, and Thode) even though I've seen them. well not emilee but hell I've seen the first three in the last few days. I miss the way we all used to be. I miss the fun, the laughs, the insanity that we had. in the last 24 hours I've remembered and forgotten again so many things about those days, but every time I remembered something new I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't say which 4 years was better, college or high school. they were both so amazing yet both so different I could never really compare them other than to say that while yes there are things that some days I wish I could go back and change, sometimes I really wish I could change, I wouldn't give up those times for anything. Those memories mean more to me than even Carly. Not because she means less, but because they represent so much of who I am, because no matter how much some of it sucked there was so much joy there too. is it wrong that I'm not even 22 yet and I'm already nostalgic? it feels kinda pathetic. I already want to go to a reunion and see everyone again, shoot the breeze, reminisce, have that cheesy sentimental song playing in the background as the clip show of those lost years plays in my head. I already feel so old I can't fathom another 20 years of memory and thinking back on now, and all the times past, let alone the 60 or 70 that I'll probably live. Time is rushing by so fast. I can still remember elementary school, assemblies, choir concerts, class, those fun recreational days we used to have where we'd sign up for like 3 or 4 things. i just found one of the cards for one of those, I think I threw it out though. I still remember the joy I felt at the end of a school year when I knew I was leaving for disneyworld the next day. so much joy. I don't really have any of the fun stories to tell that most people do. those ones that start with "so this one time..." and end with everyone laughing their asses off at something stupid you or an old friend did or something like that. i don't have those. and while I really wish I did, what I do have is hundreds of stories of joy and happiness that while I don't think anyone will ever want to hear them will always mean so much to me. whats weird is that the older memories are clearer than the newer ones. I could talk for hours about billy, matt, eric, brendan, amanda, shantelle, everyone from middle school and high school, but I can't really remember college. I know it was fun. but I don't feel like there's as many memories there as there are from high school. maybe they are. the more I think the more I can come up with, maybe my mind is just flooded with nostalgia for older days so its harder to come up with more recent things right now. that's somethinh I hope gets invented someday. something that allows you to share memories and relive them for yourself. yea it could be abused but I don't care about that right now. I'm just imagining how wonderful it would be to be able to go back and relive it all in you mind like a dream. it would be amazing.