(no subject)
So I just finished watching the finale of Scrubs. You know I really have always liked that show, even if it was sometimes painfully embarrassing to watch, but the finale was...wow...that's all I've really be able to say since I finished watching it like 20 minutes ago.
I've never really been afraid of the future. I've always just been able to see things coming and have never really been taken aback by much. Don't get me wrong, I'm afraid of losing the present, of losing what I have now, but I'm not afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I guess maybe its because I turned 21 today, or maybe its just all finally sinking in. I'm practically an adult. Its almost time for me to get out on my own and make a life for myself, and I'm excited for it, I really am, but I'm also terrified. I've always had these images, hopes and dreams for the future...I guess I am afraid, I'm afraid I'll be wrong. "Who can tell me that my fantasies wont come true...just this once" I want to be married, have kids, do holidays with the people that matter most to me, have a hang out that we all go to after work sometimes or just whenever to get a beer, talk and just enjoy each other's company. I want so many things, to keep my friends, to not have to lose them, have a job that I enjoy, have a family that I love, just to have a good life, and I know it seems silly and there are those of you who are reading this are probably thinking I'm just being emo, or depressed or something, possibly because you're out living your lives right now and you'll tell me it isn't going to be as hard as I think it will be, but that isn't going to change anything.
Maybe it makes me kinda pathetic, maybe it doesn't but I've never quite felt like I've belonged here. Not like in Beloit or Germantown, or with my friends. I don't feel like I fit in this world. I always feel like I'd fit better in a sitcom or a sci-fi or fantasy novel/tv show/etc. Maybe its just escapism, maybe its just what I do to keep sane, I don't really know. What I do know is that I want so much to have that happy ending. I want to know that my life is going to turn out like I want it too, even if not every detail is right, just that I get the big things. The last few minutes of the Finale are a kind of clip show of JD's fantasy future, mostly of the things I mentioned before and the quote is from right after the clips stop. I just wish I could believe that my fantasies will will come true. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better and this all wont feel so big, but right now it feels huge. My future is here. Claudia pointed out earlier tonight that in 10 months I graduate and have to leave the one place that has felt more like a home than any other place I have ever been in my life, even if I've only been there for 3 years. My friends are all moving on to start their own lives. I don't even know if I'll ever see them again. I mean sure I'll see Sarah in October when we road trip down to Disney to visit, but when after that. Andy leave to go home to Maine in a little more than 2 weeks. I honestly don't know if I'll ever see him again, and just thinking about leaving all of this behind is making me start to cry. I mean sure even if I live at home next year or in Madison I can come and visit, but that just isn't the same. Just visiting someplace that you called home for almost the entirety of 4 years of my life, someplace where I loved more deeply than I ever had before, and lost just as hard, made friends who even if I wanted to and tried could never forget, and just lived and enjoyed life more than I ever have before and quite possibly ever will. Beloit is the most wonderful place I have ever known, and to my dying breath I will never forget all the wonderful memories I made here, even the painful ones. I couldn't if I tried, because forgetting this place would take away so much of who I am now I don't even know what would be left.
To all of you, Beloiters mostly, and those of you from home too, most of you know that I've never really liked my actual family all that much, and I don't care how corny or cheesy it is. I am proud to call all of you, who I care most about and were there no matter how briefly in my life, family. You all are my family, and honestly I could never have asked for a better one. Not in my wildest dreams, fantasies, or wishes could I find more amazing people that I would be more happy to have known. I love each and every one of you, and I will never forget whatever time we did share. Thank you my friends...my family...and while I'm not leaving yet I will miss you all terribly if I don't already. Thank you for being part of my life, you have each left your mark on me, all for the better, and I will never forget any of you for it, and while I may not know what the future holds, I do have one more thing to add to the list of things I want in it. I want to know more people like all of you.
I've never really been afraid of the future. I've always just been able to see things coming and have never really been taken aback by much. Don't get me wrong, I'm afraid of losing the present, of losing what I have now, but I'm not afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I guess maybe its because I turned 21 today, or maybe its just all finally sinking in. I'm practically an adult. Its almost time for me to get out on my own and make a life for myself, and I'm excited for it, I really am, but I'm also terrified. I've always had these images, hopes and dreams for the future...I guess I am afraid, I'm afraid I'll be wrong. "Who can tell me that my fantasies wont come true...just this once" I want to be married, have kids, do holidays with the people that matter most to me, have a hang out that we all go to after work sometimes or just whenever to get a beer, talk and just enjoy each other's company. I want so many things, to keep my friends, to not have to lose them, have a job that I enjoy, have a family that I love, just to have a good life, and I know it seems silly and there are those of you who are reading this are probably thinking I'm just being emo, or depressed or something, possibly because you're out living your lives right now and you'll tell me it isn't going to be as hard as I think it will be, but that isn't going to change anything.
Maybe it makes me kinda pathetic, maybe it doesn't but I've never quite felt like I've belonged here. Not like in Beloit or Germantown, or with my friends. I don't feel like I fit in this world. I always feel like I'd fit better in a sitcom or a sci-fi or fantasy novel/tv show/etc. Maybe its just escapism, maybe its just what I do to keep sane, I don't really know. What I do know is that I want so much to have that happy ending. I want to know that my life is going to turn out like I want it too, even if not every detail is right, just that I get the big things. The last few minutes of the Finale are a kind of clip show of JD's fantasy future, mostly of the things I mentioned before and the quote is from right after the clips stop. I just wish I could believe that my fantasies will will come true. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better and this all wont feel so big, but right now it feels huge. My future is here. Claudia pointed out earlier tonight that in 10 months I graduate and have to leave the one place that has felt more like a home than any other place I have ever been in my life, even if I've only been there for 3 years. My friends are all moving on to start their own lives. I don't even know if I'll ever see them again. I mean sure I'll see Sarah in October when we road trip down to Disney to visit, but when after that. Andy leave to go home to Maine in a little more than 2 weeks. I honestly don't know if I'll ever see him again, and just thinking about leaving all of this behind is making me start to cry. I mean sure even if I live at home next year or in Madison I can come and visit, but that just isn't the same. Just visiting someplace that you called home for almost the entirety of 4 years of my life, someplace where I loved more deeply than I ever had before, and lost just as hard, made friends who even if I wanted to and tried could never forget, and just lived and enjoyed life more than I ever have before and quite possibly ever will. Beloit is the most wonderful place I have ever known, and to my dying breath I will never forget all the wonderful memories I made here, even the painful ones. I couldn't if I tried, because forgetting this place would take away so much of who I am now I don't even know what would be left.
To all of you, Beloiters mostly, and those of you from home too, most of you know that I've never really liked my actual family all that much, and I don't care how corny or cheesy it is. I am proud to call all of you, who I care most about and were there no matter how briefly in my life, family. You all are my family, and honestly I could never have asked for a better one. Not in my wildest dreams, fantasies, or wishes could I find more amazing people that I would be more happy to have known. I love each and every one of you, and I will never forget whatever time we did share. Thank you my friends...my family...and while I'm not leaving yet I will miss you all terribly if I don't already. Thank you for being part of my life, you have each left your mark on me, all for the better, and I will never forget any of you for it, and while I may not know what the future holds, I do have one more thing to add to the list of things I want in it. I want to know more people like all of you.