(no subject)

[marworth]

I've been thinking a lot lately. Is it normal for a 21 year old to be nostalgic? For him to look back on a meager 21 years and already be disappointed by what he sees? I had so many things that I wanted to do in this portion of my life, wanted to become and experience and I've only gotten to so few of them. I look back and see a wake of mistakes, wrong turns, right turns, and still a lot of very happy times, but its those regrets, I don't know maybe its just because a number of my close friends, the people who I've known since I've gotten here and in some ways looked up to are leaving, and its making me think. I mean I've gone separate ways from friends before, but that was high school and I knew, or at least I thought that we'd always still have a place together to call home so we would never be completely separated. This time though, I mean I'll hopefully, maybe see Andy over the summer, or at least occasionally over the summer, and then maybe once in a while if he moves to Madison. Indy, I'll maybe see at GenCon this summer and who knows after that. I'm almost positive I won't see any of the others again. I guess maybe that's only part of it. I spend a lot of time listening to music and it tends to affect my feelings and thoughts because music, to me, is pure emotion. As far as I'm concerned, even if the words don't always fit that well, music will always be able to convey feelings and emotions better than anything else, and the elicit things in me when I listen to it. I just downloaded partial soundtracks to the first 5 seasons of Scrubs and there's a lot of music in there that evokes feelings of nostalgia or reminds me of one of the images I had in my head from before college of what I wanted or rather how I wanted things to be. Its kinda hard to explain, but the image is of me basically in a place like java joint drinking tea spending time with people having deep meaningful conversations, doing homework and generally being successful here in college, and honestly none of that really has happened. Occasionally I have a deep and meaningful conversation but not like that. I just look back and see so many things I wish I had done differently. I wanted to read a lot in high school and in college. The only things I've really read in the last 7 years for enjoyment have been Harry Potter and Dresden Files. I just feel like I've gotten so many things wrong. I've forgotten to live life. I've just been kind of drifting through and yea I've enjoyed things but I feel like life and I have just been passing each other by. I've made so many mistakes and taken so many things, so many people for granted. I suppose if I'm going to get a start on changing things though this is as good a place as any to start. To those of you, my friends and those of you who were more to me, or I wished had been more: I'm sorry. I took many of you for granted and didn't treat you as well as you deserved. Some of you I've treated down right terribly at times. There's a question I've always held in the back of my mind, never sure of my answer. Its always been important to be and then one day I randomly found it under a drink cap and I knew for some reason it always would be important to me, though I don't know if I'll ever have an answer. The cap says: Would you travel back in time to change your fate?, but I prefer to think of it as, "If you could, would you go back in time and do things differently this time?" As much as I want time travel to be possible I doubt it ever will be and even if it is changing the past is far to dangerous. So I've always thought of it as a reminder to live life in such a way that I don't ever want to go back and change something. Somewhere along the line I forgot this, and I've paid dearly for it. I've lost things, lost people dear to me. I suppose in a way I didn't live the worst way I could have. Looking back you could call what I did living for the moment like there wasn't any tomorrow but even that isn't quite true. I still took her for granted. I failed at life I guess you could say. Because as much as I don't know what kind of person I'd end up being, there are a lot of things I'd change if I could go back. High school not so much, even though there's a lot of regret for me there too, all of that turned out for the best. The last 3 years though...they've turned out well, but not like I planned, not like I wanted and certainly not like they should have. Knowing how it affected me, there are a lot of things I'd go back and change. All the way back to freshman year there are things. Fewer the farther I go back, but plenty never the less. Even if I only got one second chance and I had to live with the consequences of whatever happened this time, I'd do it. Because just living through the wonderful memories of the last three years again would be enough to do it, and the changes I'd make, I think would only make me happier in the long run, and the people around me too. I'm sure some of you will judge me or think less of me for it but...I wish I could go back and start my time at Beloit over again. I know the things I would change. What I would and wouldn't do this time. I just wish I could. Instead, unless I wake up tomorrow and I've gotten my wish, I'll have to find a different way to do it. I think its something that will take a long time to accomplish but it's long past time to start living life again. Somewhere along the way I lost my fire, my passion for life. I have to go find it again, because the one place I know with that much fire and passion that's around I can't go near. I'll just get burned again. So I guess I have a new quest. I must find something in life that I can be so passionate about again that my fire comes back. Yea...

Here's to Exalting as a Fire Aspect...