what about...
this weekend was probably one of the most emotional i have had in a while. i have felt jealous, angry, hurt, depressed, sad, happy, wonderful, bouncy, and empty but whole inside. does that make sense to anyone? let me start from the beginning, and this will be long so brace yourselves.
i guess to really understand i would have to start at summer advantage this past july. this with my last boyfriend, alexander were still a bit rocky. he was supposed to help me move in for my summer classes and it ended up being my friend jordan instead. which hurt enough already. but more importantly i saw going away to college almost as a new chapter in my life. a time to just start over where nobody from my high school knew me. as if nobody could judge me for what i used to but more for what i let them. and thats where i was wrong. all my friends back home and even those i dont know that well know that i never lie. as if i am not able to. i feel horrid when i do and go into a great state of depression whenever i end up lieing and then not even a few hours later i end up telling the truth anyways because it kills me that much. i dont like being on bad terms with anyone. that kills me just as much as lieing does. so anyways, i didnt have any hopes of finding someone because well it usually never happens anyways. i was never really thought of as a cute girl in high school but the geek that nobody but other geeks really paid attention to. then i saw him. it was like the moment in west side story at the dance. everything goes hazy, nobody else is really in the room, and they cant stop looking at each other. even though that moment with him lasted maybe a second, it was still there. that evening there i had so much to compete with. so many beautiful girls there and then there was me. the odd geeky girl with glasses. there would be no way that he would actually pick me out from all the blondes in the mini skirts with matching tops and shoes and purses. here i was dressed up in whatever i could find that sorta matched and having only tennis shoes to wear, but i liked it that way. the walk up to the fraternity apartment seeming so long and then on the steps was the main reason i was there. i had yet another moment like before where i didnt care who i was with or who i was going to meet as long as i could just look at him for even a second longer. i know it sounds like obsession and part stalker but i dont care. until you have that moment with someone you will never really understand i guess. the whole night i was mingling around hoping to see him across the way. and i did. the first time he passed me he touched my arm which caught me by surprise and as he walked past i touched him back, which made him turn around slightly and give the most warming smile i have ever seen. and i knew the smile was directed to me and me alone. i can honestly say that is one of the best memories of summer advantage with him. after that moment everytime we passed he would touch me in some way. which of course made me all bubbly and hope that we would run into each other every second of every minute we were there. at with each touch he gave me that smile. that perfect evening was broken up by the cops and was moved to a different place. i went over there alone, but with his cap on my head. it didnt fit or match what i was wearing but i didnt care. it was his. that he allowed me to take from him and wear. several people knowing that it was in fact his. later after he came to the party he went with me to escort some drunken girls that were my suitemates back to the apartments where we were staying. on the way he invited me to go with him to his friends house for a bit. i went of course and after being there for a while he and i went into the kitchen and talked about everything. we had so much in common. from our hearing problems that were almost identical to me sorta impressing him being a computer geek. after standing there for several hours he walked me back. not even half way back he stops and turns to me and said "im sorry, but can i kiss you?" that kiss was amazing. it was unlike any that i had up to that moment nor one that i have had since. it was with so much passion that i wouldnt be able to give it justice with any description that i could muster. nothing on this planet has brought me that much happiness. on the space in front of the steps he took me in his arms and kissed me again and finally ask me to be his girlfriend. the next evening was the fourth of july. i went over to his apartment and watched as they did a power hour. he left to go up to his room and i followed just so i could give him a kiss... well we just decided to go to bed since we were up there. yes, we made love. i say that we made love because it was just that. nothing more. i think that evening sticks out in my mind and has a place in my heart not because of the sex, but more the after sex. he just layed there over me, stroking my hair. telling me his feelings. he told me he loved me. that i threw him for a loop. and he asked me to white rose. he mentioned marriage, which i know thats sudden but at that moment he had my heart, and i loved him. i got to fall asleep in the arms of the one i loved and who loved me and to be woken up gently by him as well. what made that morning better is that i didnt have to do the walk of shame. he walked hand in hand with me... well for a bit til we couldnt because people were around. now there was a reason behind this, he wasnt ashamed of me, his job would be at stake because he was helping with summer advantage. so we went to class and ran into each other again at the bookstore while getting our books for classes. the smiles that we exchanged the entire time and especially when we first saw each other could have told everyone in the store that we were deeply in love and didnt care who knew about it. so to cut out more details, the rest of the relationship went along about the same. and then, thursday while he was playing volleyball he got a call that he needed to go see dr. norton; the lady in charge of summer advantage. he went to have a meeting and i went up to my room to do whatever. later that evening i went and saw him only to find out that he lost his job according to him. (only to find out that he was given a choice to pick between working for the rest of the time and me, and of course he choose me) anyways to cut this section even shorter we got in a fight and broke up. it was on semi-good terms but i said something i still hate myself for saying and i didnt mean. we were still friends and i still loved him very much. a few days later, the worst thing that has happened to me while i have been attending this school happened. someone didnt like the fact that we were still friends and told him that i was saying shit about him as well as his fraternity. which if you knew me, you would know i would never do that. if i loved him as i did and still do and loved being around all his frat brothers and hung out there why would i do something that stupid? this is why i hate this school, because people have to start drama. so you can imagine that he and i havent really spoken since.
now that you know the history, lets go to this weekend. i miss him. yes, still. every second that i see him all of what you read before comes crashing on me like a ton of bricks. and i must admit thats the most amount of pain i have ever felt. we stare at each other almost everytime we pass. i start to tear up when i think about him and everything thats happened. i will admit that i cried a few times because i saw him at the party both friday and saturday because i missed him so much that i couldnt take it anymore. it hurt too much. i even snapped at my best friend kendra because of being so upset. which in turn didnt make me feel any better. this feb. 4th will kill me. as most 4ths of the month do. but this upcoming month would have made it 6 for us if none of that horrid stuff had happened. i think thats what gets me the most. and of course that just happens to be the night of snowball. nice huh? i think what gets me the most is that of anyone he believes all the rumors and hasnt once asked for what i am actually saying about him. now yea i said i didnt start rumors, and what i say about him are hardly rumors. since we have been together all i have said was that i missed him and still loved him. that i wish things would be okay with us again, that we could be together again... or just that i could just spend 5 minutes let along 5 seconds with just him, because i miss him that much. again, i just wish he knew... anyways, this weekend wasnt as fun as it should have been.
on top of all that my parents are no longer coming to see me in cabaret. they are going to go see my sister instead. even though they promised to be here, they are breaking a promise like that to me... again. they arent even sure if they want to come see crucible. guess thats just the cherry ontop of my sucky weekend. lets hope the week will start with lance and i talking/making up/"talking" or getting back together and ending with my parents keeping their word... but when i wake up from that dream of the perfect week maybe the real one wont be as horrid as im dreading.
sorry for the rant but hey, i did warn you.
i guess to really understand i would have to start at summer advantage this past july. this with my last boyfriend, alexander were still a bit rocky. he was supposed to help me move in for my summer classes and it ended up being my friend jordan instead. which hurt enough already. but more importantly i saw going away to college almost as a new chapter in my life. a time to just start over where nobody from my high school knew me. as if nobody could judge me for what i used to but more for what i let them. and thats where i was wrong. all my friends back home and even those i dont know that well know that i never lie. as if i am not able to. i feel horrid when i do and go into a great state of depression whenever i end up lieing and then not even a few hours later i end up telling the truth anyways because it kills me that much. i dont like being on bad terms with anyone. that kills me just as much as lieing does. so anyways, i didnt have any hopes of finding someone because well it usually never happens anyways. i was never really thought of as a cute girl in high school but the geek that nobody but other geeks really paid attention to. then i saw him. it was like the moment in west side story at the dance. everything goes hazy, nobody else is really in the room, and they cant stop looking at each other. even though that moment with him lasted maybe a second, it was still there. that evening there i had so much to compete with. so many beautiful girls there and then there was me. the odd geeky girl with glasses. there would be no way that he would actually pick me out from all the blondes in the mini skirts with matching tops and shoes and purses. here i was dressed up in whatever i could find that sorta matched and having only tennis shoes to wear, but i liked it that way. the walk up to the fraternity apartment seeming so long and then on the steps was the main reason i was there. i had yet another moment like before where i didnt care who i was with or who i was going to meet as long as i could just look at him for even a second longer. i know it sounds like obsession and part stalker but i dont care. until you have that moment with someone you will never really understand i guess. the whole night i was mingling around hoping to see him across the way. and i did. the first time he passed me he touched my arm which caught me by surprise and as he walked past i touched him back, which made him turn around slightly and give the most warming smile i have ever seen. and i knew the smile was directed to me and me alone. i can honestly say that is one of the best memories of summer advantage with him. after that moment everytime we passed he would touch me in some way. which of course made me all bubbly and hope that we would run into each other every second of every minute we were there. at with each touch he gave me that smile. that perfect evening was broken up by the cops and was moved to a different place. i went over there alone, but with his cap on my head. it didnt fit or match what i was wearing but i didnt care. it was his. that he allowed me to take from him and wear. several people knowing that it was in fact his. later after he came to the party he went with me to escort some drunken girls that were my suitemates back to the apartments where we were staying. on the way he invited me to go with him to his friends house for a bit. i went of course and after being there for a while he and i went into the kitchen and talked about everything. we had so much in common. from our hearing problems that were almost identical to me sorta impressing him being a computer geek. after standing there for several hours he walked me back. not even half way back he stops and turns to me and said "im sorry, but can i kiss you?" that kiss was amazing. it was unlike any that i had up to that moment nor one that i have had since. it was with so much passion that i wouldnt be able to give it justice with any description that i could muster. nothing on this planet has brought me that much happiness. on the space in front of the steps he took me in his arms and kissed me again and finally ask me to be his girlfriend. the next evening was the fourth of july. i went over to his apartment and watched as they did a power hour. he left to go up to his room and i followed just so i could give him a kiss... well we just decided to go to bed since we were up there. yes, we made love. i say that we made love because it was just that. nothing more. i think that evening sticks out in my mind and has a place in my heart not because of the sex, but more the after sex. he just layed there over me, stroking my hair. telling me his feelings. he told me he loved me. that i threw him for a loop. and he asked me to white rose. he mentioned marriage, which i know thats sudden but at that moment he had my heart, and i loved him. i got to fall asleep in the arms of the one i loved and who loved me and to be woken up gently by him as well. what made that morning better is that i didnt have to do the walk of shame. he walked hand in hand with me... well for a bit til we couldnt because people were around. now there was a reason behind this, he wasnt ashamed of me, his job would be at stake because he was helping with summer advantage. so we went to class and ran into each other again at the bookstore while getting our books for classes. the smiles that we exchanged the entire time and especially when we first saw each other could have told everyone in the store that we were deeply in love and didnt care who knew about it. so to cut out more details, the rest of the relationship went along about the same. and then, thursday while he was playing volleyball he got a call that he needed to go see dr. norton; the lady in charge of summer advantage. he went to have a meeting and i went up to my room to do whatever. later that evening i went and saw him only to find out that he lost his job according to him. (only to find out that he was given a choice to pick between working for the rest of the time and me, and of course he choose me) anyways to cut this section even shorter we got in a fight and broke up. it was on semi-good terms but i said something i still hate myself for saying and i didnt mean. we were still friends and i still loved him very much. a few days later, the worst thing that has happened to me while i have been attending this school happened. someone didnt like the fact that we were still friends and told him that i was saying shit about him as well as his fraternity. which if you knew me, you would know i would never do that. if i loved him as i did and still do and loved being around all his frat brothers and hung out there why would i do something that stupid? this is why i hate this school, because people have to start drama. so you can imagine that he and i havent really spoken since.
now that you know the history, lets go to this weekend. i miss him. yes, still. every second that i see him all of what you read before comes crashing on me like a ton of bricks. and i must admit thats the most amount of pain i have ever felt. we stare at each other almost everytime we pass. i start to tear up when i think about him and everything thats happened. i will admit that i cried a few times because i saw him at the party both friday and saturday because i missed him so much that i couldnt take it anymore. it hurt too much. i even snapped at my best friend kendra because of being so upset. which in turn didnt make me feel any better. this feb. 4th will kill me. as most 4ths of the month do. but this upcoming month would have made it 6 for us if none of that horrid stuff had happened. i think thats what gets me the most. and of course that just happens to be the night of snowball. nice huh? i think what gets me the most is that of anyone he believes all the rumors and hasnt once asked for what i am actually saying about him. now yea i said i didnt start rumors, and what i say about him are hardly rumors. since we have been together all i have said was that i missed him and still loved him. that i wish things would be okay with us again, that we could be together again... or just that i could just spend 5 minutes let along 5 seconds with just him, because i miss him that much. again, i just wish he knew... anyways, this weekend wasnt as fun as it should have been.
on top of all that my parents are no longer coming to see me in cabaret. they are going to go see my sister instead. even though they promised to be here, they are breaking a promise like that to me... again. they arent even sure if they want to come see crucible. guess thats just the cherry ontop of my sucky weekend. lets hope the week will start with lance and i talking/making up/"talking" or getting back together and ending with my parents keeping their word... but when i wake up from that dream of the perfect week maybe the real one wont be as horrid as im dreading.
sorry for the rant but hey, i did warn you.