i feel....

[marvinlover84]

out of place in my own home. Craig and i are fighting alot again. it really sucks, he didnt come to bed last night after a "discussion" till 6 am or so. im not happy at all. can you tell? after i went to bed, he went to the store and bought junk food, of course we cant afford for me to buy ANYTHING but we can afford for him to go buy junk a few times a week, not to mention other "reading materials" every so often. last time i checked we had 5 mags, now we have a stack 6 inches tall. yeah i know its inspiration for his donations, but damnit i should be that inspiration! im sick of a passionless marriage. im sick of a sexless marriage. im sick of the GRRR feelings around here. im sick of not being able to spend good quality time with him in order for us to keep a good marriage. we are about 3 months away from the "wedding" and everything is being put on hold. why do i have this strange feeling that none of this is goig to happen? i feel that im dreaming of a day that will never happen. dreaming of a life that doesnt exist. dreaming of a marriage and a partnership but i feel like my marriage is a fraud. we got engaged hastily, we got married hastily, we had a baby hastily. everything is hasty. we dont sit down and make a plan. it bothers me. i find myself escaping in my dreams. lately its that Prof. Snape will come and take me to Hogwarts and make me his wife, and Potions mistress, making lots of little Snapelets. and being really happy in a PASSIONATE marriage. he says he loves me. but he rarely shows it. at least physically. he is our financial rock, he works his ass off in a warehouse every night, then comes home and works here, then when he wakes up he busts ass to get shit moved, and yet he has no time for me i feel. his Kisses are empty, he never touches me unless he is begging for sex. why would i have sex with someone who shows no interest in me otherwise? who yells at me for eating too much while he is gone or "not looking" and is "tired of supporting me? why would i want to fuck him? i dont, and when i do now a days i dream of other men to keep me going. everyone has done it, dreamed of your favorite actor or actress instead of your partner for that added bit of fantasy. mine is Alan Rickman. i dont care if he is 40 years my senior, hes what is getting me through. i know it sounds wrong, but its true. i wish i was as turned on by Craig now as i was 3 years ago. where we could go for hours and hours and hours, and id still feel him hours or days after we stopped. now its like a dream of a far off land.

i need help. i need to feel like i once did. its only 8 months into a lifetime and i feel like im ready to get out already. i really dont want to divorce, i feel that its admitting defeat, and giving up hope on something that has a small light at the end of the tunnel. i dont know. would someone be willing to babysit on saturday so that we might be able to do something that could bring us together again. any help would be great.

cheer me up please.