Is it back again?...
*it's a translation of the post to my Russian blog on August, 30th
So I didn't go to the club. Because my date freaked out about some girl he was dancing with last time. He found out she was going there again that night and he would just feel embarassed to go there with me because last time he told her he was straight. It's not that he was planning to date her (or maybe it is?). He told me it was just that he still was shy of showing his sexuality. So I stayed home as well. And that's what he wrote me next morning:
'Ihor, I am sooo sorry. But you have to understand me. I didn't know how to act in such situation. I think I gonna have to get determined and brave. If we had gone to that club and that girl had been there, I wouldn't have let myself to ask you for a dance or just hug you. You would get bored. Oh crap, why'd they have to go there this time?.. I don't wanna lose you, I like you. I want to make things right. You can set the next time for a club and I'll pay the entrance fee. Just don't be mad'
Isn't that pathetic to be embarassed to go to a gay club with a boy? It isn't some straight fomal dinner party after all. And what's that cunt in front of which he is so freaked out to show with me? She isn't even his acquaintance - she just was there last time and asked him for a dance. Then some guy from the dating site turned out to be her friend and that's how Vlad found out she was going. It's all just stupid.
For some reason I was so worried to go there, though. So I felt a slight relief when I didn't. It was just like some kind of a bad premonition. I wonder if everything was OK that Friday night.
Later that evening I'd let my memories of Tom arise. And... It's unbelivable to me but I got really sad and nostalgic about him. I have almost forgotten what a burden was that obsession about him and now I remember only that there was no one as worth as him. And there still isn't. And I wonder how much dull guys and different sorts of freaks I have to meet and reject before there will be. I of course might just endow him with imaginary good qualities and be blind to his bad qualities (and to be honest, I'm almost sure I actually do). And from general point of view he is pretty freak himself, but... Well that's kinda freak I like. I don't mean I want someone exactly like him (hopefully this whole Tom thing haven't become some out-of-rich ideal).
Yes I know how pathetic it must seem for me to start obessing about him again. The whole idea of unrequited feelings seems so wrong. And no I don't actually think of myself as pathetic. Quite the contrary I'm sure that strong feelings are strong because they are firmly deep inside... Like some precious thing you keep. And I am strong (at least since recently I claim to be) because I am capable of feelings like that. Meanwhile I have to manage those feelings, set some boundaries so that they don't unleash and turn me into some miserable person who suffers from never getting the love he wants. And even if Tom will stay the greatest man I've ever met until the end of my days, well, that's kind of tragically noble. Like Petrarch and his Beatrice. And it's even pretty convenient. I don't have time for love life. I don't enjoy casual sex. The type of people I like is very rare. So this precious feeling inside is a good alternative to dates and whatever goes with it. At least for guys like me. For guys who in the closest nine months plan being a total geek, because they want that fucking degree. And even more, I want to enter post-graduate course (something you'd never say about me back to the freshman year).
So if those feelings to Tom are ever to come back... Ah what the hell, it's actually happening. So right now I tell myself I'm OK with that. It's not gonna hurt, it doesn't mean I'm weak and pathetic, it's not gonna destroy me. It will just be somewhere deep inside. I won't think of him that much. Even though he isn't my classmate anymore he once gave me that inspiration, and it goes on. So I won't miss my classes, I'll do every homework, perfect all my projects and be brilliant on practicals never mind of my degree work. And only after everything is done for a day and I'm in my bed under my blanket rolled up comfortably - only then I will let myself think about him for a little while because then it will not interfere with daytime vanity. And maybe for some seconds between dream and reality I'll feel his warm arms around me.