An Account of the Love of My Life
Last April I thought I would never be capable of loving anyone. It had been two years since I was raped and I was still reeling from it. I was a complete mess when it came to love. I refused to let anyone get close to me and sabotaged every relationship at the first sign of intimacy.
Then Charles came along. Two days after the two year anniversary of that night, we had our first date. He picked me up at 830 in that awesome Mercury Cougar and we went to see American Dreamz at Short Pump. On the way we discovered how much we had in common. For example we both played french horn, did gymnastics, and were middle children. The movie was cute, not a great movie by any means but still funny. Mandy Moore is awesome. Afterwards, we talked for hours. We pretty much told each other our life stories and laid out all of our baggage first so we knew what we were getting into. He talked about his Aplastic Anemia and his strained relationship with his family and I talked about my Epilepsy, anxiety, and former drug problems. We were both blown away by how comfortable we felt around each other and how open and honest we could be.
From that night on, our relationship quickly progressed. He gave me butterflies everytime I was with him and made me happier than I had been in years. We spent every evening together for a week. Then he spent some time in the hospital after he came down with tonsilitis. But as soon as he got out, we were inseperable again.
I wish that I hadn't taken that stupid job in Fredericksburg last year. I didn't know at the time that I would have someone in Richmond worth sticking around for. I spent all week back home with my family but spent almost every weekend down here with him. Charles even came to visit me a couple of times and stayed with me at my parents' house. I'm glad he was able to do that. He told me that he had never met a boyfriend's parents before and was blown away by how my mom and dad loved him and welcomed him into the family. He really loved hanging out with my brothers. When he came to a party at the YMCA waterpark, he spent almost the whole night playing football in the pool with them. He opened my eyes to how awesome my own family is when he told me that they gave him the chance to experience how a family is supposed to love each other.
I realized after a few months that I had fallen so in love with Charles that I had comletely forgotten all about life before him. About my fear of intimacy, about my depression, about my rapist. He loved me enough to make all of that disappear. All of those worries seemed completely trivial.
I was crushed when we broke up in October after six months together. It hurt so much because I never stopped loving him. Sure, I had been kinda distant and preoccupied with school, but that was al something we could have easily worked out. What couldn't be worked out, though, was the fact that he was scheduled to get his bone marrow transplant as eary as November. I told him I was willing to stick with him while he was in the hospital. He told me that it wasn't fair to me and that he didn't want to be in a relationship while he was trying to recover. I had avoided this conversation numerous times before because I knew that this was what he wanted. Charles left me with two options, stay with him for another month until he went in for the surgery or break up then and having time to adjust to being just friends. Even though he was pushing for the former, I chose the latter. I couldn't see myself staying in a relationship that had an expiration date.
Being friends was hard. I was still in love with him. It was hard to see him and not feel heartbroken. I kept my distance for a couple weeks and focused on my school work. November came and went without a date being set for the operation. Then December. I was furious at him. He had told me that we only had a month left. I thought a month was just enough time to adjust to being friends. Two months was just painful. We both were having problems seeing each other. Things got awkward between us. He took me off of his top friends on Myspace and replaced me with Gnarls Barkley (this was before his entire friends list was bands). He deleted all references to me from his page. It broke my heart. One of our friends told me that he did it because looking at my picture everyday was too painful for him.
I tried to ease the pain this broken relationship was causing by seeing other people. However, every guy I went out with just ended up reminding me how much I still loved Charles. As January moved on, I wondered what life would have been like if we had never split. In those three months, could we have grown to a point in our relationship that he would have let me stay with him through his recovery? We managed to spend more time together in the last weeks before he went into the hospital. Two days before he was admitted, we managed to find a night to do our favorite things. Drink wine, watch Heroes, and have a photo shoot. That night I felt whole again, like nothing had ever changed between us.
Unfortunately, I came down with a nasty cold on the day Charles began his hospital stay. I talked to him on the phone and online but was unable to visit him for fear of making him sick. By mid-February I was feeling much better and was ready to go see him for the first time. Unfortunately, before I could, he took a turn for the worse and ended up in the ICU.
I was devastated, not only by his condition, but also by the fact that it took his friends 5 days to tell me. I cursed myself for letting myself become so estranged from them that I would be one of the last to know. It made me realize how intense my love for Charles still was and I secretly began to plan on staying in Richmond after graduation so that I could make things work and maybe marry him one day. I realized he was the only one for me.
After almost two weeks in the ICU, he started breathing on his own again and went back to his old room. I still didn't visit him though because we were told to keep visitors to a minimum and I just figured I would see him when he was feeling better. I never got that chance though, he took a drastic turn for the worse last Monday and his body completely rejected his transplant. I was told on Tuesday that I should come say goodbye. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. I pray that he heard me when I told him how much I loved him. I wish I could know for sure how he felt about me.
He died on Wednesday night. I stayed by his side the entire time. I couldn't bring myself to let go of his hand. He is the only man I have ever loved and he just might be the last. I am completely lost without him. I don't know how to function in life. I go through every day in a haze. My friends tell me that he would want me to be happy and want to to find love again but I think they might be wrong. Charles told me that he wanted me to date other guys when he was in the hospital but made it clear that I was not to fall in love. I don't really want to do either now. Right now I'm just waiting for the day I will see him again. And when that happens, I will never let him go.
Then Charles came along. Two days after the two year anniversary of that night, we had our first date. He picked me up at 830 in that awesome Mercury Cougar and we went to see American Dreamz at Short Pump. On the way we discovered how much we had in common. For example we both played french horn, did gymnastics, and were middle children. The movie was cute, not a great movie by any means but still funny. Mandy Moore is awesome. Afterwards, we talked for hours. We pretty much told each other our life stories and laid out all of our baggage first so we knew what we were getting into. He talked about his Aplastic Anemia and his strained relationship with his family and I talked about my Epilepsy, anxiety, and former drug problems. We were both blown away by how comfortable we felt around each other and how open and honest we could be.
From that night on, our relationship quickly progressed. He gave me butterflies everytime I was with him and made me happier than I had been in years. We spent every evening together for a week. Then he spent some time in the hospital after he came down with tonsilitis. But as soon as he got out, we were inseperable again.
I wish that I hadn't taken that stupid job in Fredericksburg last year. I didn't know at the time that I would have someone in Richmond worth sticking around for. I spent all week back home with my family but spent almost every weekend down here with him. Charles even came to visit me a couple of times and stayed with me at my parents' house. I'm glad he was able to do that. He told me that he had never met a boyfriend's parents before and was blown away by how my mom and dad loved him and welcomed him into the family. He really loved hanging out with my brothers. When he came to a party at the YMCA waterpark, he spent almost the whole night playing football in the pool with them. He opened my eyes to how awesome my own family is when he told me that they gave him the chance to experience how a family is supposed to love each other.
I realized after a few months that I had fallen so in love with Charles that I had comletely forgotten all about life before him. About my fear of intimacy, about my depression, about my rapist. He loved me enough to make all of that disappear. All of those worries seemed completely trivial.
I was crushed when we broke up in October after six months together. It hurt so much because I never stopped loving him. Sure, I had been kinda distant and preoccupied with school, but that was al something we could have easily worked out. What couldn't be worked out, though, was the fact that he was scheduled to get his bone marrow transplant as eary as November. I told him I was willing to stick with him while he was in the hospital. He told me that it wasn't fair to me and that he didn't want to be in a relationship while he was trying to recover. I had avoided this conversation numerous times before because I knew that this was what he wanted. Charles left me with two options, stay with him for another month until he went in for the surgery or break up then and having time to adjust to being just friends. Even though he was pushing for the former, I chose the latter. I couldn't see myself staying in a relationship that had an expiration date.
Being friends was hard. I was still in love with him. It was hard to see him and not feel heartbroken. I kept my distance for a couple weeks and focused on my school work. November came and went without a date being set for the operation. Then December. I was furious at him. He had told me that we only had a month left. I thought a month was just enough time to adjust to being friends. Two months was just painful. We both were having problems seeing each other. Things got awkward between us. He took me off of his top friends on Myspace and replaced me with Gnarls Barkley (this was before his entire friends list was bands). He deleted all references to me from his page. It broke my heart. One of our friends told me that he did it because looking at my picture everyday was too painful for him.
I tried to ease the pain this broken relationship was causing by seeing other people. However, every guy I went out with just ended up reminding me how much I still loved Charles. As January moved on, I wondered what life would have been like if we had never split. In those three months, could we have grown to a point in our relationship that he would have let me stay with him through his recovery? We managed to spend more time together in the last weeks before he went into the hospital. Two days before he was admitted, we managed to find a night to do our favorite things. Drink wine, watch Heroes, and have a photo shoot. That night I felt whole again, like nothing had ever changed between us.
Unfortunately, I came down with a nasty cold on the day Charles began his hospital stay. I talked to him on the phone and online but was unable to visit him for fear of making him sick. By mid-February I was feeling much better and was ready to go see him for the first time. Unfortunately, before I could, he took a turn for the worse and ended up in the ICU.
I was devastated, not only by his condition, but also by the fact that it took his friends 5 days to tell me. I cursed myself for letting myself become so estranged from them that I would be one of the last to know. It made me realize how intense my love for Charles still was and I secretly began to plan on staying in Richmond after graduation so that I could make things work and maybe marry him one day. I realized he was the only one for me.
After almost two weeks in the ICU, he started breathing on his own again and went back to his old room. I still didn't visit him though because we were told to keep visitors to a minimum and I just figured I would see him when he was feeling better. I never got that chance though, he took a drastic turn for the worse last Monday and his body completely rejected his transplant. I was told on Tuesday that I should come say goodbye. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. I pray that he heard me when I told him how much I loved him. I wish I could know for sure how he felt about me.
He died on Wednesday night. I stayed by his side the entire time. I couldn't bring myself to let go of his hand. He is the only man I have ever loved and he just might be the last. I am completely lost without him. I don't know how to function in life. I go through every day in a haze. My friends tell me that he would want me to be happy and want to to find love again but I think they might be wrong. Charles told me that he wanted me to date other guys when he was in the hospital but made it clear that I was not to fall in love. I don't really want to do either now. Right now I'm just waiting for the day I will see him again. And when that happens, I will never let him go.