The Daily Bugle

Jun 21, 2008 10:46

WAKING UP MUTANT
AN EDITORIAL BY J. JONAH JAMESON, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF of THE DAILY BUGLE

In the sea of shoddy yellow journalism that is the American media, as usual, it falls to me to be the voice of reason in this, the most recent wave of ignorant human paranoia in regards to the poor saps who have the audacity to be born frighteningly and disturbingly different than the "perfectly acceptable" barnacles on the soul of our species, such as vapid pornographic heiresses and ignorant popular music stars who are so routinely and inexplicably celebrated by the bored-in-line-at-Walgreens public and the media jackals who feed it.

Kevin Ford is a 16-year-old kid, just like any other. His head was filled with thoughts of getting his driver's license, gazing at the cheerleader in his science class, popping zits in the mirror every morning and simultaneously thinking he knows everything while knowing that he knows nothing. That's every teenage boy in the world, at least every one that's lucky enough to have an educational system in their country that allows them science classes and cheerleaders.

Rather than rehash the story about how he suddenly found himself tragically cursed with an insane mutant power - and believe you me, reported mutant powers grow more and more insane by the day - instead, you, the reader, will be put in this boy's shoes for one day. You know, the shoes you need to walk a mile in before you pass judgment on his soul.

Think back to when you were a teenager. Maybe it was yesterday, maybe it was when Buddy Holly was all the rage at the sock hops. Remember just how awkward and confused you were. You were horny all the time with only a loose understanding of how all the changes in your body worked, you were constantly struggling with your appearance, your social group and the perceptions of said social group with other social groups who were all worried about their perceptions from yours, adults keep telling you to learn how to do math with letters instead of numbers, and your parents keep telling you what to do even though you're convinced you're adult enough not to have to listen to them.

Imagine an argument you had with your parents, because every kid has an argument with them at least once. Let's say it's about something as simple as your father refusing to lend you the car to go hang out with you friends at the mall or the basketball courts or the sodajerk counter to share a phosphate with your best girl. Being an impetuous teenager, you manage to sneak the keys away from your dad and head outside, your pulse pounding with disobedience and minor rebellion as you try to get away, only to find out your father is onto you, and he slaps a hand on your shoulder to stop you.

Now you've seen decades of TV sitcoms and movies about this kind of thing, and you've likely lived it yourself at some point. This is where the teenaged you turns around and fires off some line about how you shouldn't be treated like a kid, or how Bobby's parents let him do it. Telling off your father is a time-honored tradition and a major turning point on the way to adulthood. Your heart races as you bristle under that authority, and you know you're going to get in serious trouble for it later, but you need that moment. It's one you'll remember no matter how old you get.

Now imagine that instead of posturing in your greaser jacket, popping your collar or shaking your emo hair out of your face during this moment where you prove to your father that you're growing up and able to take care of yourself, you suddenly have some absolutely unpredictable science-fiction insanity barge into the scene, and in less than ten seconds, you discover that the man who was once your role model, bane and protector, who loved you unconditionally, is now nothing more than a pile of dust in the driveway. Gone forever. In an instant. Out of nowhere. Imagine how that must feel. Then add to that absolute shock and horror the knowledge that the absolutely unpredictable science-fiction insanity came from you.

Mutant powers manifest during early adolescence, and they are triggered by moments of tremendous stress. The source of the stress doesn't matter - saving your sister from a runaway thresher, or just getting caught trying to sneak out in your dad's station wagon - it all works the same way. You have no way of knowing you are a mutant until this happens. You never saw it on "The Cosby Show," but imagine how horrible Theo Huxtable would feel if an argument over cleaning up his room suddenly resulted in accidentally vaporizing Bill Cosby.

All evidence suggests that Kevin Ford had absolutely no idea he was a mutant until the day he lost his father forever. His terrified reactions that witnesses attested to show that there was absolutely no intent to do this, and now he's a teenage boy living on the streets, on the run from the law, with no father to protect him anymore. He's likely stopping every half an hour to cry his eyes out, unjustly blaming himself for what happened thanks to every newspaper in the city calling for his head on a pike, equating him with the Menendez Brothers or the Columbine kids. He had no reason to expect this and there was no way he could have prevented it. His life has been absolutely destroyed by circumstances entirely beyond his control.

America wants to hang him for it. If it happened in your home, America would want to hang your baby, too.

This is no longer the home of the brave.

shard, josiah x, "crisis of faith", hollow, cyclops, jubilee, j. jonah jameson, justice, fever pitch, professor x

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