MUTANT CURE FOUND!
CHICAGO (AP) - Scientists have long suggested that the genetic x-factor that causes mutations to develop in certain children was the beginning of an evolutionary leap forward, from homo sapiens into homo superior. However, the factions within the pharmaceutical research and development industry who have long decried it as a plague that needed to be cured now have evidence to support their claims.
Dr. Kavita Rao of Benetech Pharmaceuticals has claimed that she and her team of geneticists have not only isolated the mutant gene, but also developed a means to remove it entirely, to "restore mutants to normalcy." The treatment has been put on the fast track and immediately approved by the Food and Drug Administration.
The initial dispensing of this new 'mutant cure' has begun in twelve locations throughout the country, and the response has been overwhelming within the mutant community. Lines are forming around the block at every clinic, with mutants of all kinds patiently hoping to have their abilities removed.
"I had to drop out of school because the kids would... they beat me with baseball bats once when I tried out for the team. The coach pretended he didn't know what was going on," said Terrence Phillips of Seattle, a mutant whose only apparent change is a third ear on the back of his neck. "Maybe they'll let me on the team if I get this cleared up."
This is not just a matter of overcoming peer pressure and avoiding prejudice. Some parents are hopeful, too, that their children can be given the ability to live normally, when mutancy renders them unable to function properly.
"My daughter has lungs that are... alive," said Bonnie Carville of Atlanta. "And they won't breathe for her unless she feeds them constantly through the hole they've chewed through her stomach. It's an absolute nightmare. This will be a miracle if it works. It'll give my Suzie her life back."
All indications so far show that the new treatment does indeed remove mutancy from its subjects, with only a three percent ineffectual rate and .02 percent chance of "unnatural discharge."
Dr. Rao herself called it a triumph.
"The disease suffered by mutantkind is finally at an end. We'll be able to return mutantkind to normalcy and restore the natural order in this world, and we'll end all the suffering that the mutant x-factor has caused, which is immeasurable. Once we've finished dispensing the treatment in urban areas, we'll extend our reach throughout the rest of the nation, and then throughout the world."
"But for now," Rao said, "it's time to breathe a sigh of relief, America. The nightmare is almost over, and your children can be freed from their curse."
Dr. Kavita Rao of Benetech Pharmaceuticals has claimed that she and her team of geneticists have not only isolated the mutant gene, but also developed a means to remove it entirely, to "restore mutants to normalcy." The treatment has been put on the fast track and immediately approved by the Food and Drug Administration.
The initial dispensing of this new 'mutant cure' has begun in twelve locations throughout the country, and the response has been overwhelming within the mutant community. Lines are forming around the block at every clinic, with mutants of all kinds patiently hoping to have their abilities removed.
"I had to drop out of school because the kids would... they beat me with baseball bats once when I tried out for the team. The coach pretended he didn't know what was going on," said Terrence Phillips of Seattle, a mutant whose only apparent change is a third ear on the back of his neck. "Maybe they'll let me on the team if I get this cleared up."
This is not just a matter of overcoming peer pressure and avoiding prejudice. Some parents are hopeful, too, that their children can be given the ability to live normally, when mutancy renders them unable to function properly.
"My daughter has lungs that are... alive," said Bonnie Carville of Atlanta. "And they won't breathe for her unless she feeds them constantly through the hole they've chewed through her stomach. It's an absolute nightmare. This will be a miracle if it works. It'll give my Suzie her life back."
All indications so far show that the new treatment does indeed remove mutancy from its subjects, with only a three percent ineffectual rate and .02 percent chance of "unnatural discharge."
Dr. Rao herself called it a triumph.
"The disease suffered by mutantkind is finally at an end. We'll be able to return mutantkind to normalcy and restore the natural order in this world, and we'll end all the suffering that the mutant x-factor has caused, which is immeasurable. Once we've finished dispensing the treatment in urban areas, we'll extend our reach throughout the rest of the nation, and then throughout the world."
"But for now," Rao said, "it's time to breathe a sigh of relief, America. The nightmare is almost over, and your children can be freed from their curse."